Bear's tip jar

June 29, 2021

Bear left a "tip jar" with his sisfur. Today, we share Bear's last nuggets of wisdom in the form of common sayings - "Bear-i-fied." Bear might be in the next life, but his shadow continues to loom large over our grieving household. Yet, at times, it seems as if he's still with us - in the things he taught his sisfer and the way he trained his humans. As usual, Ellie's a bit slow and not exactly the star pupil - but she knows how to bring it when necessary.

BC: Bear Cat Kat [handsome tabby cat]

EM: Ellie Mae Kat [black, gorgeously floofy cat]

MK: Momma Kat [Bear and Ellie's human Momma, named Kat]

The Boy: Momma's fiance

MK: {walking into a room} El ...

EM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

MK: What?

EM: You scared me!

MK: Because you're doing something you shouldn't be doing?

EM: Hmm. Yeah, I guess living with Bear taught you that lesson.

MK: What's behind your back?

EM: Erm ... nothing?

MK: You'll have to do better than that.

EM: Erm ... I ... But Bear always said whatever he was up to was nothing!

MK: I know. And I never believed him.

EM: I'm NOT going to tell you, Momma. So don't even try, no matter how many times you interrogate me!

MK: Okay.

EM: Erm ... I ... I can't take your interrogation anymore! IT'S BEAR!

MK: You have Bear ... in a jar.

EM: Don't be ridiculous. He couldn't fit. The JAR is Bear's.

MK: Okay.

EM: Okay.

MK: No, that was an invitation to tell me how you got a jar that belongs to Bear.

EM: Well, see, I was in my rescue's enclosure at the pet supply store, and you came up to the window ...

MK: I know your adoption story and how you met Bear, Ellie! Fast forward to the jar!

EM: So I put a dollar in Bear's tip jar.

MK: What about the jar?

EM: Yeah.

MK: Wait. Where did you get a dollar?

EM: Erm ... if I tell you, you have to promise to not be mad.

MK: Okay. Where did you get a dollar?

EM: I found it in your purse and I didn't want it to go to waste!

MK: What's this have to do with the jar? Rewind a bit.

EM: Erm ... I went to the litter box and Bear yelled at me because I had a non-stinky poop in the stinky poop side of the litter box.

MK: ELLIE! Just start at the beginning ...

EM: God made heaven and earth ...

MK: ABOUT THE JAR!

EM: Stop yelling at me!

MK: Please tell me what you know about Bear's jar.

EM: I got up from a nap and went to the bedroom to find Bear and he was there with this jar and a bunch of paper and stuff. I asked him what he's doing and he told me to leave him alone. So I told him his Momma looks like a man. And he said "so!?"

MK: I look like a man?

EM: NO! BEAR'S Momma looks like a man.

MK: I'm Bear's Momma too.

EM: Oh. Yeah. Anyway, I told him I was going to sit there and hold my breath until he told me what he was doing.

MK: Let me guess ... he ignored you and you almost passed out.

EM: WHOA! It's like you were THERE!

MK: {sigh}.

EM: So I asked Bear again what he was doing and he said he was making a tip jar.

MK: A tip jar? Like for people paying him tips?

EM: I don't think so. He said I could get a tip if I put a dollar in the jar. OH! And look! There's my dollar in the jar!

MK: Ellie, how many times have I told you not to give Bear money?

EM: Well, see, the joke's on him because he couldn't take it with him! So I got ALL the tips, the jar AND my dollar!

MK: Ellie ...

EM: Besides, there's plenty more where that came from.

MK: More what?

EM: Dollar bills.

MK: FROM WHERE?!?

EM: Daddy gives me money when Bear's mean to me.

MK: {screeching} HE DOES WHAT?

EM: Though, technically, since Bear isn't here anymore, I won't be getting any more money. But it's okay because I got my dollar back - at least I got it back by getting the jar.

MK: YOUR dollar?

EM: Is that a trick question? I found it.

MK: Okay okay. So what happened after you gave him a dollar?

EM: He put it in the jar. See?! There it is - in the jar.

MK: {sigh} Okay ...

EM: Okay.
MK: And then ...
EM: I picked a piece of paper out of the jar. I got a tip - just like he promised! You always told me he's trying to scam me - but I got what I paid for!
MK: What'd the piece of paper say?
EM: You mean, what did I READ on the piece of paper? Because paper doesn't actually say anything.
MK: Yes!

EM: The tip was: "It takes two to tango – but cats don’t dance."

MK: Ugh.

EM: I told him that was a crappy tip and I wanted my money back. He refused. But he said I could have another tip for free!

MK: Okay. What did that one say?

EM: "Don’t toot your own horn. Unless you're in your sibling's favorite bed." I told him that was stupid too. Then he asked me to watch his jar for him. I just wanted my dollar back - but technically, possessing the jar meant the dollar was mine - so I agreed to watch the jar for him.

MK: Then why is the dollar still in the jar?

EM: Stupid opposable thumbs ... I don't have any! I couldn't get the dollar out of the jar!

MK: And you never wondered what the rest of Bear's "tips" said?

EM: I figured they were ALL stupid like the first two. And then, while I watched the jar, I fell asleep.

MK: Wait. Is this why you refused to leave the bedroom for two days?

EM: I must've missed whatever Bear was asking me to watch. So I just put the jar away in a safe spot. When I came out of the bedroom, Bear was gone! It's like he was trying to distract me from him leaving!

MK: {sigh}.

EM: Do humans really write tips to themselves and put them in jars?

MK: No. Tip jars are for putting monetary tips in when your server's service deserves a tip. As usual, Bear missed the point.

EM: Phht. Like any of us would tip him with money!

MK: You have a point. I guess Bear wasn't so far off in left field.

EM: Where's left field? Is that near the litter box?

MK: Never mind. Let's see what these tips say.

EM: I can't let you do that.

MK: Why not?

EM: Because Bear said I wasn't allowed to let anyone touch his tip jar!

MK: What if I give you your dollar back?

EM: Okay.

MK: {holding out the dollar} Here.

EM: Thanks.

{Pause}

EM: My precious ...

{Pause as the wheels turn in Ellie's head ...}

EM: Hmmm ... WAIT!

MK: What?

EM: You want to read all Bear's tips, right? How about you pay me a dollar per tip?

MK: No.

EM: Fifty cents per tip?

MK: No.

EM: A quarter per tip?

MK: Nope.

EM: A nickel per tip?

MK: Nope.

EM: A nickel for ALL of them?

MK: What do you think?

EM: OH! I get it! "A penny for your thoughts!" You asked what I think ... so you'll pay me a penny to read each tip!

MK: No.

EM: Bear was right. A cat can't make a living with you.

MK: Why would a cat need to make a living when I provide everything you need?

EM: I need a tuna farm.

MK: No, you don't. You WANT a tuna farm.

EM: Yes, and if I could eke out a living, I could BUY a tuna farm.

MK: Bear should be glad he's not here - because if he were, he'd be grounded forever for filling your head with his nonsense.

EM: How many cents is that?

MK: What?

EM: How many cents is noncents? Or are those cents that aren't money?

MK: I'm reading Bear's tips.

EM: Okay. But if Bear asks, you better tell him I didn't let you look at them.

MK: How would Bear ask that?

EM: "Momma, did Smellie let you read my tips in my tip jar?"

MK: NO! How would he ask me now that he's moved on to the other side.

EM: The other side? Of what?

MK: Never mind. Let's see here ... tip number one. "Good things come to those who wait ... said no cat ever."

EM: That's true!
MK: What's this number? Bear 87:9? Like "The Book of Bear, chapter 87, verse 9?"
EM: Bear's bible! The tips are a collection of his wisdom ...
MK: About what? Biting? Being ridiculous?
EM: Is Bear in trouble?
MK: Tip number two. "Biting speaks louder than words." HA! I was right! Ten bucks says there's something in here about being ridiculous.

EM: I know better than to take that bet. Even though ten dollars is kind of a drop in the bucket.

MK: But why Bear 8 1/2:39? It's like he made those up.
EM: I don't know. They sound pretty official.
MK: Ellie, it doesn't matter! You can make something that's all crap sound official!
EM: Oh, yeah. Like Bear calling himself a crapper because he's a cat rapper.

MK: No! No, that doesn't sound official at all! That just sounds stupid!

EM: What about "Share Bear Day?"
MK: WAIT! What do you mean ten dollars is a drop in the bucket? How much money do you have?
EM: Bear said I have twenty dollars.
MK: You LET Bear count your money?
EM: I can't count that high!
MK: Ellie, if you got paid every time Bear was mean to you - 24/7 for three years, you'd have hundreds of dollars.

EM: I would? It's a good thing Bear is dead, I'd kill him myself!

MK: But if you have so much money, as you say, why worry so much over the $1 you gave Bear?
EM: It's the principle of the thing.
MK: Never mind. Bear 6:12 - "Don't yell "chicken" in a crowded theater." Oh, for Pete's ...

EM: Huh. Bear is really smart.

MK: WHAT?!?! Who would yell "chicken" in a crowded theater?

EM: Someone who saw a chicken in a crowded theater. DUH.

MK: Yes, but humans don't care about ... oh, never mind. Let's do another one.
{Pause}
MK: Bear 32:14 - "Where one door shuts, there's a cat waiting on the other side of it."

EM: SEE?!?! He's brilliant! When a door shuts, there's TOTALLY a cat waiting on the other side of it!

MK: Ugh. Maybe. But he missed the entire point of that saying about opportunity.

EM: What says no opportunity like a closed door?

MK: {sigh} One more ... Bear 47:23 - "Every dog has his day - when a cat isn't around."

EM: THESE ARE GREAT! The first two I saw were stupid! But these are DEFINITELY worth a dollar. Words to live by!

{Pause}

EM: Erm ... although, Bear isn't living anymore, so maybe this isn't the best advice ...

MK: We'll put these all away for another time.
EM: But I want to know all the tips from Bear's tip jar!

MK: I'll type them all up for you - but I have other things I need to do today.
EM: Like what?
MK: People things.
EM: Don't make me bite you, Momma. Bear 8 1/2:39: "Biting speaks louder than words."

MK: {mumbling to herself} I bet Bear's laughing his striped butt off! What are you? Bear 2.0?

EM: What does that Bear 2.0 say, Momma?

MK: That one what?

EM: Bear 2.0?

MK: No, not the book of Bear, like a newer version. The first version is one-point-oh. And the second generation is two-point-oh.

EM: If you don't want to tell me, you can just say that instead of making up nonsense.

MK: {sigh}.

The Tips in Bear's Tip Jar [typed by Momma]

All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2021. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com.

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