How did Bear honor his Valentines? Despite his efforts to be romantic ... he somehow keeps missing the bar. Perhaps it's time for Bear to join The Boy in the doghouse?
BC: Bear Cat Kat [handsome tabby cat]
EM: Ellie Mae Kat [black, gorgeously floofy cat]
MK: Momma Kat [Bear and Ellie's human Momma, named Kat]
The Boy: Momma's fiance
BC: Momma, I need your help.
{Silence}
BC: Momma?!?
MK: I was waiting for the punch line.
BC: I already punched Smellie a few minutes ago. But no one else was in line.
MK: Never mind. What do you need help with?
BC: I want to send homemade Valentines to my favorite torties.
MK: AWWWWW! That's so SWEET!
BC: There's nothing SWEET about it! I want to get in some tortie's pants for Valentine's Day.
MK: Are your handsome stripe-y pants too small?
BC: Hahaha. Not.
MK: What kind of Valentine?
BC: I'm thinking a poem. I worked REALLY hard last night and I think I've found the perfect poem!
{Pause}
BC: {AHEM!} Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, There's no other tortie quite like you!
MK: Ummm ... what's the other one?
BC: The other what?
MK: Mudpie. Amarula. That's TWO poems.
BC: I'll give them the same poem.
MK: Bear, you can't give them the same poem.
BC: Why not?
MK: You say, "There's no other tortie like you," but you say that about two torties?
BC: So?
MK: What if Mudpie and Amarula talk? Or share notes?
BC: Cats don't take notes ... we don't have thumbs! And cats don't talk either.
MK: For a cat not talking, you and your sister never shut up.
BC: Do you like the poem?
MK: Ummm ... it's not exactly original.
BC: What do you mean?!? I wrote it myself!
MK: Umm ... yeah. That's the problem.
BC: WHAT?!? I crap [cat rap] for my bling!
MK: Don't ever repeat that. Though it's true: you are a better cat rapper than a poet.
BC: THANK YOU!
MK: That wasn't a compliment in any way, shape or form.
BC: OH! I have a new one!
MK: {mumbling under her breath} Great.
BC: Roses are red, Violets are blue. I love Smellie so much, I'm sending her to you!
MK: Bear, you can't give away your sister.
BC: When you say "can't" do you mean I'm not allowed to give away my sister or it's somehow impossible for me to put her in the mail because she's oversized?
MK: No.
BC: Don't you think Mudpie is lonely?
MK: Does this really have anything to do with Mudpie or do you just want to get rid of your sister?
BC: You make it sound so ... sleazy.
MK: Smellie ... I mean, ELLIE is staying right here!
EM: Mail! Me?!? Where am I going!?! I wanna go on a trip, Momma! PLEASE!!!!!
MK: NO! You hate car rides.
EM: Oh. We have to go by car.
MK: How else would you get there?
{Silence}
MK: Bear, let's think of some things you can send your lady friends that don't involve poetry? You are a cat with many talents.
BC: You are modest. I'm an artiste.
MK: What were you thinking?
BC: I've almost completed my fourteen-year masterpiece on the loveseat. Could we pack it up and mail it to Mudpie?
MK: Why would Mudpie want a shredded loveseat?
BC: Because I made it!
MK: Ummm ... correction. You didn't MAKE it. You DESTROYED it.
BC: Make. Destroy. Fine little details of perspective only.
MK: How about you send your girlfriends something that the rest of us don't use?
BC: Like a hairball?
MK: NO! That's a horrible idea!
BC: Well, YOU don't seem to appreciate them!
MK: Have you ever stepped in a hairball?
BC: EW! NO! That's gross! That's even worse than the time I accidentally peed on my tail!
MK: There are some things I don't need to know.
BC: Correction: there are A LOT of things you DON'T know.
MK: Here's something I DO know: you can't mail your torties hairballs, barfage, our furniture or your sister.
BC: What about Smellie's scratching post?
MK: NO!
BC: The Boy?
MK: What do you think?
BC: Erm ... is that a trick question? You WERE mad at him ...
MK: Yes, sometimes I get upset with The Boy - but I never want him to leave.
EM: Why not?
The Boy: HEY!
EM: Erm ... I didn't realize you were here.
The Boy: What do you mean?!?! I've been sitting here for hours!!
EM: Oops?
The Boy: You wouldn't miss your Momma sitting on the couch for hours! You'd come over and snuggle with her!
BC: To be fair, it's kind of hard to miss Momma anywhere. I mean, her butt ...
MK: I'm sure you can think of something else to give your torties.
EM: Tuna? No. I want the tuna myself. How about you give your torties crabs?
{Momma spits out her drink}
BC: HEY! You almost spit that on me! Gross!
MK: Now you understand how I feel about your barfage.
BC: You say no to everything I can think to send my ladies for Valentine's Day!
MK: Maybe you should ask The Boy for advice.
BC: Why? In the four years he's lived here, he's gotten you TWO stuffed bears for Valentine's Day.
MK: I LOVE those bears!
BC: You WOULD! You don't see the warning he was giving me?
MK: Umm ... that you're replaceable?
BC: NO! That bears - by virtue of being stuffed - should be seen and not heard!
MK: I can't really argue with that ...
BC: HEY!
EM: I don't argue with that at all! Bear NEVER shuts up! He just goes on and on and on and on and just when you think he couldn't possibly think of anything else to say, he starts talking about something completely unrelated like ... like ... tuna! Oh. TUNA! Do we have any tuna? Because I'm hungry!
MK: El ...
EM: The tuna doesn't have to have gravy. Just plain tuna is fine. What?! Why are you guys looking at me like that?
MK: OH! I have an idea! Why don't you sing your ladycat friends a song?
BC: That's right! Mudpie and her Mom love Conway Twitter!
MK: Try that again.
BC: Conway ... Birdie? Erm ... Birdie Conway? Way Conbirdy?
EM: TWITTY!
BC: HEY! Take that back! There's no need to make fun of me because I can't think of the last name of some stupid singer!
{Momma and Ellie gasp}
BC: WHAT? Did I shove my back paw in my mouth?
EM: That was even worse than the time you complained about Canadia on our blog - when Amarula is Canadian!
BC: NO, she's not! Frodo's Canadian! Amarula is South African and very exotic!
MK: They have penguins in South Africa.
BC: Oh! Maybe Amarula and I can elope to South Africa and start a flightless bird ranch.
MK: They don't have emus in South Africa.
BC: Flightless birds are flightless birds: low hanging fruit just waiting to be snatched up by a hungry predator.
MK: Bear, you couldn't handle a chicken - much less an emu. You'd be too scared to move.
EM: Yeah! Bear's chicken around chickens!
MK: Bear, you'd end up on the very unfortunate side of a beak even if you weren't frozen with fear.
BC: I'm not scared of some stupid flightless bird. Hey! Maybe I can send Amarula a penguin for Valentine's Day! It would remind her of home and not that terrible Canadia where she's being held against her will!
MK: No.
BC: I'd only have a taste or two before sending it to her!
MK: Bear, you can't take a couple bites out of a present and then gift it!
BC: Why not? Smellie takes a few bites of my barf before you get my gift.
MK: Eww.
EM: Hmm ... yum. I love when I'm walking down the hall and BOOM! Food just appears on the floor! You'd be surprised how many times I don't think I'm hungry until I find of mound of kibble in the middle of the floor.
BC: They should have a flightless bird of the month program! Each month, we're sent a different bird!
EM: OOh! That'd be great! I think February is the best month for tuna.
BC: Tunas aren't birds.
EM: They're not?
BC: My sister.
EM: I'm glad I'm not your girlfriend!
BC: ME TOO!
MK: Bear, why don't you come up with a poem for both Mudpie and Amarula? That means you can't say there's no other tortie like the recipient.
BC: Details. Details.
EM: Can I send a poem to Woodrow?
BC: You couldn't rhyme words if your life depended on it.
EM: Okay. PEAR BEAR.
MK: Don't look at me! You walked right into that one, Bear!
BC: SHH! I'm BUSY!
{A few minutes pass}
{Snoring is heard}
MK: I guess writing poetry is exhausting.
EM: Ohhh! Poetry is A LOT harder than it looks!
MK: Tell me what you have!
EM: Naps, laps and cuteness traps. Hugs, snug and adorable mugs. Woodrow, we like the same things and our siblings call us derpy ...
MK: You can't think of something that rhymes with derpy?
EM: Adorable doesn't rhyme with derpy, right?
MK: No.
EM: Handsome?
MK: No.
EM: Hunky?
MK: Nope.
EM: Studly?
MK: No.
EM: Nuts!
MK: Ellie, poems don't always rhyme.
EM: They don't?
MK: No.
EM: Then what makes a poem a poem?
MK: {looking around} Something about feet?
EM: That's discrimination! Cats can be poets too! Therefore, instead of feet, one should say paws!
MK: Erm ... huh. I just got some tuna snacks at the store!
EM: TUNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Momma, did you know that tuna isn't a bird?
MK: Yes. That is one thing I DID know.
Bear's Valentines
First, a poem for Bear "Call me Casanova" Cat's torties, Amarula from Hairballs and Hissyfits and Mudpie from Melissa's Mochas, Mysteries and Meows:
With hues of brown, black and white,
Torties surpass every known delight.
A tortie's no fool, but with a heart of gold.
The true beauty of her soul, the brightest of any, one beholds.
Her treasures are worth more than money,
One becomes a man when she calls him honey.
A rebel with any cause,
Her passion and determination give foes pause.
Don't be stupid enough to cross a tortie,
Unless you want your tail and your manhood to be shorties.
Disclaimer: It's all fun and games until some cat gets pregnant!!! While it's fun to speculate on what cats might do for and on Valentine's Day, litters of [unwanted] kittens are no joke. Before your cat partakes in Valentine's Day festivities, please make sure he or she is neutered or spayed! In this case, Bear would "Love to Lay" his gorgeous torties down - but only responsibly. Can you imagine the kitten support he'd owe? No, thanks ... SPAY OR NEUTER!
Momma's Valentines:
© 2021 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2021. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com.
Featured posts:
- If you missed Bear's rant about Canadia, and Amarula being held there against her will, please see: World war X: Bear style.
- If you missed the details of Ellie's crush on Woodrow of Three Chatty Cats, check out Violators will be hoed.
- Bear loves his torties! For examples, please read:
- If you missed the series on Bear's cat rapping (crapping):
Bear, you made our holiday on Sunday with our special Valentine, and you made our day today with this post! Mudpie is pawsitively swooning over her song the same way I would if Conway were singing it directly to me! But your mom and Ellie are right...calling him "some stupid singer" is fightin' words at our house! MOL
ReplyDeleteI didn't really mean stupid ... I thought Smellie was calling me a TWIT! We're so glad you enjoyed our Valentine's Day messages - they are meant! ~Bear Cat
DeleteYou are such a sweetie heart sweetie guy Bear!
ReplyDeleteDo you think it's enough to get in a tortie's pants? Asking for a friend, because I'm a gentleman! ~Bear Cat
DeleteEllie Mae, Woodrow is gonna take that poem and frame it! He said he'd share his tuna snack with you any day of the week.
ReplyDeleteWOW! That's like the highest compliment! Well, besides sharing one's lap ... but he might not be ready for that yet. ~Ellie Mae
DeleteHee! Hee! Bear! You are my hero! You are so romantic, you made Jo Jo swoon. And Wooing 2 Torties! I, Marvelous don't even have 1 grrl furrend...you are the Man Cat! I loved your poems (all of them) and I don't see why you can't send the same poem to both. Great post! Have a nice day guys. Your happiness is my happiness!
ReplyDeleteWhat good is having girlfriends if you never get laid?! ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear means ... err ... if you can't snuggle up and nap with your lady loves. ~Kat
Happy belated valentine's day! Ellie Mae, you're so cute.
ReplyDeleteI know! ~Ellie Mae
DeleteGreat. Now her head will be as large as the rest of her! ~Bear Cat
Your Momma, Miss Mudpie and Amraula are lucky ladies. My Penny wants to know why you aren't hot for her too- she is a tortie with tortitude. XO
ReplyDeleteDoes Penny put out? ~Bear Cat
DeleteBEAR! Sorry. Bear is as of this comment grounded from commenting on this post. Our apologies for his ... his ... Bear-ness. ~Kat
Those are great Valentines, Bear. But do you really think you should be wooing two lady cats at the same time??
ReplyDeleteTorties are torties ... how can you ever have just one?
DeleteAww, this turned out to be a sweet Valentine's Day post after all. We weren't sure at the start, what with Bear's spartan, one-size-fits-all tortie poem. MOL
ReplyDeleteHope you all had a happy Valentine's Day, pals. XO
My brofur is about as romantic as a ... a ... rock! He even got himself grounded from commenting! ~Ellie Mae
DeleteFun and very sweet!!
ReplyDeleteBear can be a sweetheart!
DeleteBear will you be mine...shhhhh we'll keep it a secret from my Hubby.
ReplyDeleteHugs Cecilia
Ooh! I LIKE that! Send me pictures! ~Bear Cat
DeleteBEAR! No. There's no need to send pictures. I apologize. ~Kat
Proving once again, love can be complicated, especially on Valentine's Day when a certain kitty is so popular with the lady cats.
ReplyDelete"Love" and "complicated" - so true.
Deletedood....noe ...seer ee iz lee.... noe
ReplyDelete" start a flightless bird ranch."
we can give ewe 10 trillion reezon az ta why...KNOT !!!
happee bee lated heartz day oh lovez two all ♥♥♥
I'm starting to see your point believe it or not. But food ... ~Bear Cat
DeleteYou are such a romantic, Bear!
ReplyDeleteSome day the ladies will appreciate me. ~Bear Cat
DeleteAMARULA: Yes!! A million times yes! I will be your Valentine Bear! I would love to return to South Africa (once we figure out how to get the stupid collar and bells off me) and start a flightless bird ranch. Though I will admit I am sadden to see you entertain notions of Mudpie being your Valentine too! I know who your real fav is!! PS You are clearly a talented Valentine's poet- you should contact Hallmark and see if they will hire you! Then you could save up your money from the job so we can escape our humans together!!
ReplyDeleteYou paint a beautiful picture ... flightless birds ... no collars or bells ... me ... you ... COUNT ME IN! ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear, if sisfurs could be shipped off for Valentines, I wudda been gone last year. Wabbit has been trying to mail me off for ages. *coughs into paw* Ellie has my sympathy.
ReplyDeleteWhat? I thought you were Wabbit's assistant! Then again, I guess you're competition for those lizards he wants!
DeleteIt takes him a while to get there, but we think you nailed it in the end, Bear. Don't take that the wrong way either. :)
ReplyDeleteI'd sure be happier if I'd nailed a tortie though!
DeleteI'm sure Mudpie and Amarula were all giddy and dreamy eyed with your words of love on Valentine's Day and your gift of adventure to the isle of the 'Guins. Tee hee hee. I'm wondering, though, do Emus and penguins taste as good as chicken? Tummy tickles.
ReplyDeleteI intend to find out. ~Bear Cat
Delete