Bear’s Adventures in Catting, part 2

December 22, 2020

Cats are inimitable and magnificent creatures - yet they possess quirks that cause even the most knowledgeable humans to scratch their heads. While cats are easy to love, these peculiarities can be challenging to comprehend. Do you ever get the sense your cat lives by a set of rules that you can’t even begin to identify? Do you use the term “cat stuff” to describe the things your cat does that you don’t understand?

In this post, Bear shares his adventures, rules and lessons learned – while catting. What is “catting” exactly? “Catting” includes all the delightful and less-than-agreeable iterations and quirks of being a cat. Bear’s catting adventures highlight the humorous and entertaining aspects of sharing one’s life with a cat. What’s humor if not the absurd, the puzzling and the irrepressible nature of our beloved felines?

I write this post with appreciation, admiration and love for Bear’s larger-than-life presence. If you’d seen the frightened and vulnerable kitten I met while he hid under a deck in the rain, you’d be as amazed and awed by the force of nature that I named Bear. He’s an unapologetic Momma’s boy – despite possessing enough cat to shore up his street cred. He saved my life and taught me not to be frightened and insecure – even though that’s the exact circumstance in which I met him. How many of these more strongly worded observations do you suspect come from Bear’s competing need to shore up his street cred?

In our last post, Bear’s Adventures in Catting, part 1, Bear shared his food-related adventures and his guide to human/feline relations. Today's post tackles inter-cat concerns, killing activities, recreation, the Bear facts and the complex questions Bear ponders while grooming or in the litter box.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Bear's disclaimer ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

These rules and observations from my catting journey are subject to change at any time - without notice - at the cat’s discretion. You might call me fickle, but I prefer to describe myself as “emotionally whimsical.”

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🐱😼🐱😼 Inter-cat relations [if we must] 😼🐱😼🐱

😼 My [really annoying] sister's shadow's name is “Smellie.” Everyone else calls my sister Ellie Mae – but that name is every bit as boring as she is!

🐱 At all times, no matter what either of us is doing, my sister WILL be in the way.

😼 Having a sister is like having a kid continually pulling on your shirt, asking inane questions, getting all up in your grill and calling that “bonding.” The only bonding I’ll do with my sister is over her dead body.

🐱 If you see Smellie and I touch, you should get your eyes checked. Your whole squealing thing isn’t cute. We ARE NOT friends … except where both our efforts will bring about the behavior we desire from you.

😼 Sisters should be seen and not heard. No, wait. Sisters shouldn’t be seen or heard!

🐱 Sisters are NOT forever. HOPEFULLY. I’m still working on it.

😼 My sister is a first-class kiss up. She's too sweet for her own good [though I enjoy taking advantage of her naivete!].

🐱 A cat may kill paper bags, facial tissue boxes, toys, etc ... but you can’t kill your sister without upsetting your people. Thus, any attempt to kill one’s sister must appear accidental.

😼 I prefer to suspect my fursib is stupid rather than for her to open her mouth and remove all doubt.

🐱 I’ll be in a better mood at some point. Tomorrow, my sister will still be Smellie and ugly.

😼 Food always tastes better when it’s on the other cat’s plate.

🐱 There is no such thing as too much catnip, too much food or too many toys. But any sister count more than zero is way too many sisters.

😼 No one likes a copycat. Despite what you’ve heard, imitation isn’t flattery: it’s annoying.

🐱 If you’re confused about who did something, my sister did.

😼 Sisters are convenient – but only under particular circumstances.
Circumstance 1: A sister is convenient to take the blame when I misbehave.
Circumstance 2: A sister is convenient when I don’t want to be bothered with snuggling with the humans [no more excuses that you need a kitty and I’m the only one around].
Circumstance 3: A sister is convenient when I want something [two cats working together doesn’t equal two individual cats’ power. Unionization exponentially increases the chance that the cats will get what they want].

🐱 My sister has no respect; she loves to chase my tail. I suppose this is incrementally LESS dumb than chasing her own tail - but still.

😼 Nicknames for my sister: Smellie, Smellie Belly, Yellie, Smellie Neigh, Ellie-phant, Ellie-Vader and a selection of "R-rated" names.

🐱 Smellie gets upset when she can’t find our people, and she howls. I always stop what I’m doing and run to Smellie to make sure she doesn’t do something stupid while without human supervision. [The truth: I want to make her feel better (and shut her up)].

😼 SHARE? No. Only sissies who can’t kick some behind to get what they want “share.” My sister can have whatever I don’t want until I want it again (probably shortly after she begins to enjoy it).

🐱 No sharing, any time, ever [just in case you didn't catch that the first time].

😼 Hurt my sister, and I’ll funk you up sixty-four ways to Sunday. Only I can be a jerk to her.

🕷🐭🕷🐭🕷🐭 Killing-related activities 🐭🕷🐭🕷🐭

🐭 Yes, I AM a serial killer, and I’m not sorry. Please don’t ask me about the bodies. If I’m so good at hiding my [less than ten] secret stashes that even I can’t remember where they are - how could you expect me to keep track of the location of so many bodies?

🕷 “Toy” is in the eye of the beholder. If I can bat it, I’ll scat it. Bonus points for me if my toy happens to be the “x” key or the never-going-to-work-again space bar from your laptop. Bonus points on those bonus points if I lose the keyboard key under the furniture and you have to find it before using your laptop to type. In the meantime, I will take a well-deserved nap on your laptop.

🐭 If my favorite toy gets lost under the couch, I demand you recover it for me. Yes, my second favorite mousie is almost indistinguishable from the first, but I CAN TELL. Don’t try to fool me because you’re too lazy to dig my favorite mousie out from under the furniture.

🕷 Hunting time (what you call play-time) is over when I say so – and maybe even before it began. I enjoy hunting with you, and I enjoy showing you how brutal I can be to my toy micey.

🐭 When we “play,” it’s only fair that you get as much exercise as I do. I’ll exercise my eyes watching you run all over like a nut, and you can be the nut.

🕷 I’ve killed every toy I own at least 260,892,977,347.2756 times. I've killed thousands of inanimate objects. Now you know what I’m capable of.

🐭 I love to stalk you ... it’s not personal [ditto with swiping, batting, and biting]. I’m a savage and ferocious hunter.

🕷 Finder’s keepers: if I find a bug – it’s mine. I don’t hunt bugs just for you to swoop in and rescue them at the last moment. And don’t think that means you get to confiscate my mousie when you find it in the toilet.

🐭 Your camera, the vacuum and my carrier are at the very top of my hit list.

🕷 The little red dot is tragic. What’s the point of chasing something around if you can’t dig your claws and fangs into it?

🐭 “Play” is a relative term that involves a human waving a cat toy around and a cat who ignores it.

🕷 If I discover a way to break it, you buy it.

🐭 If you find bug legs, don't ask from whence they came unless you're praising my brutal and ferocious hunting abilities.

🎊😸🎊😸🎊😸🎊 Recreation 🎊😸🎊😸🎊😸🎊

🎊 You will never understand what “doing cat stuff” entails. When you ask me what I’m doing, and I say, “cat stuff,” move along.

😸 To cats, “barf” is a verb, adjective and noun. Ditto with “the crazies.”

🎊 I’m not responsible for losing our rental deposit. I make improvements, so our landlord should thank me.

😸 I reserve the right to venture outside (safely and with supervision). I reserve the right to come back in IMMEDIATELY if I choose [back out, back in - over and over again]. You must recognize the urgency and emergency of being on the wrong side of the door. I often hedge my bets by standing IN the doorway so you can’t close the door, and I can’t find myself on the wrong side of the door.

🎊 Visitors are the perfect ~~victims~~ opportunities to enhance my secret stashes.

😸 Sampling the grass in our front yard is just one of my many feline responsibilities. A cat's job never ends. You're welcome.

🎊 My redecoration skills are second-to-none. I offer professional consultations in exchange for tasty whole chickens.

😸 Whether or not I cover my business in the litter box might seem like a random whim, but there’s a deliberate decision process as to whether I hide my business or not. You may read more about my cover/no cover decision-making process in Poopetiquette.

🎊 I don’t play in the litter box [much]. Though I do bury bodies in there. Don’t ask about these unless you want to be next.

😸 Catnip knocks my stripey pants off and rocks my world.

🎊 My secret stashes of collectibles are so secret I don’t remember where I put them. So don’t ask. If you left your toothbrush where I can reach it, that’s on you.

😸 Plastic bags are evil. Period.

🎊 I resent that you bought that paper shredder. Out-sourcing my jobs one by one doesn’t make me obsolete.

😸 While in the slammer [my carrier], I’ll play up my incarceration, so everyone knows I’m a total bad@$$.

🎊 Boxes are totally pedestrian and they certainly don't compliment my best features.

😸 You will never find at least two of my hiding spots. Whenever I’m in those spots, I’m lost to you and not coming out until I feel like it.

🐈🐻🐈🐻🐈🐻 The Bear facts 🐻🐈🐻🐈🐻🐈🐻

🐻 I don’t have an anger management problem - I have a personality – and claws.

🐈 I’m flexible as long as everything goes my way.

🐻 I’d rule the world IF I had thumbs. Just look at how I lead and control my world and the people in it without thumbs! And I’d share my throne with a magnificent, compelling and super hot tortie.

🐈 If something involves water, I won’t like it. That means no petting me with wet hands or bathing me. I choose when I accept getting wet. Two examples of times I might tolerate getting wet for the greater good: when I escape outside in the pouring rain to dare you to get soaked to grab me or when I fancy playing in my water bowl.

🐻 I have the right to update our décor as I see fit. We don’t do seasonal decorations unless you want to give me a merry holiday.

🐈 I don’t HAVE to accept anything.

🐻 What’s mine is mine. What’s yours is mine. If you’re still confused, it’s mine.

🐈 A male princess [AHEM! ME!!!] requires a bazooka, a tank, a tiara and tasty whole chickens.

🐻 I can go from purry furry to hissy pissy in 1.2983 seconds.

🐈 I'm not vain. At all times, a mancat must look his best.

🐻 I do exactly what I want, when I want, how I want and where I want. The concept of Momma grounding me is amusing.

🐈 I LOVE an audience. Being a cat is an art – performance art, to be more exact. You may read about Bear's most [in]famous show in Kitty Diva or Pop "Tart?"

🐻 Despite my bluster, indignant attitude and wild idiosyncrasies, my heart beats with an unfathomable soul. I have a heart that equals, if not exceeds, the size and depth of even the most loving people and dogs.

🐈 I like to sleep around. My many nice comfortable beds deserve some love [plus, then Smellie will smell me on the bed and won't use it]. Don't judge my promiscuity unless you try it; I'm a lover, not a hater.

🐻 Cat beds rock but my favorite spot to sleep is next to my Momma.

🐈 I love to improve popular songs. You're welcome. To peruse my song catalogue, please look for the heading, "Bear's Karaoke" in Bear's Lair.

🐻 Be afraid of furry fury. VERY afraid.

🐈 The warm sun gives me my super-cat abilities.

🐻 Yes, I would jump off a bridge if my friends jumped off a bridge. But only if those friends were tasty whole chickens slathered in gravy.

❓❔❓❔❓ Pondering important questions ❓❔❓❔❓❔

As a cat of extraordinarily gifted intellect, I can’t help but ponder the big questions and the meaning of my nine lives [while I'm bathing or in the litter box, among other places].

❓ Do humans intentionally act stupid to make us look smarter than them, or are humans stupid in reality?

❔ Are humans just over-sized cats? If so, they are the ugliest [most annoying - and least smart] cats I’ve ever met (and remember, I have an ugly and annoying sister, so this is saying a lot).

❓ What does chicken taste like if everything tastes like chicken?

❔ How far must pigs fly to qualify as “when pigs fly?” If one pushed a pig off the roof, could you call that flying?

❓ I don’t know what you accomplish in the room you call a bathroom. The bathroom “chair” doesn’t look comfortable, and the business you do in there must be ominous, or you’d allow me to jump in your lap. How weird is it that you don’t like an audience when you’re in the bathroom? Are you participating in some criminal enterprise?

❔ If the veterinarian’s office is hell, why isn’t it warm there? Does the veterinarian’s office exemplify what humans call “hell freezing over?” Because if so, Momma owes me the tasty whole chicken farm she promised me when hell freezes.

❓ When humans go to the doctor, do they stick a thermometer UP THERE?!

❔ If Momma grounds me for the rest of my nine lives, exactly how many years is that? And when will I be up for parole? Alternatively, do lady cats like bad boys?

❓ Why don’t humans go to the doctor as often as they make us go to the vet? And why are they so much more concerned with our weight than their own?

❔ If exercising is so important, why don't you exercise?

❓ You call me lazy because I sleep for eighteen hours a day. You sleep for eight hours a day, watch TV for six and stare at your computer for another six hours.

❔ When I shared a home with Kitty, Momma told me I only get one sister, so I’d better be nice to her. Now, I have ANOTHER sister, and I suspect Momma’s a liar.

❓ Why do the people on the other end of a 911 call NOT believe an empty food bowl or an annoying sister is an emergency? Likewise, why do they ignore me when I tell them you’re burying bodies in my litter box. You think I don’t notice – but what could you possibly be doing in my litter box if not hiding bodies?

❔ I hear much about the right to Bear arms. It seems to me that only I have a right to my arms. I suspect this is another example of humans attempting to take what isn’t theirs.

❔ When the veterinarian says I haven’t missed any meals, why does my human get upset when I reply that the vet doesn’t appear to have missed any either?

❓ Why do people snicker when I tell them I’m a crapper? What’s so funny about a rapping cat? Do they think I don’t have the hood factor? Or do they assume I can’t drop more than beats? For more on my crapping talents ... The quack daddy; B-Cube and his posse; Bear's cat rapping show hits the road; Bear's cat rapping show hits the road, part 2.

❔ Why do people assume males can't be princesses? Isn't that discrimination?

❓ Why do humans care so much whether one is in or out of the closet? My closet is the perfect hiding spot, and very comfortable.

❓ When Momma spills treats all over the floor, why doesn’t she thank me for cleaning up her mess? [Yes, I said I don’t get treats earlier … I meant, I don’t get ENOUGH treats … except for when Momma accidentally spills them all over the floor. Then Smellie and I look like the hippos in the Hungry Hungry Hippos game trying to eat as many treats as possible in the least amount of time. Luckily, treats taste better than marbles.].

❔ I always hear about this person who “let the dogs out.” Does that person live in our neighborhood?

❓ Why is my sister silent when accidentally trapped in a room for HOURS - but she won't shut up - howling like a possessed wolf zombie - if our people leave a room for a couple of minutes? And why do her ~~howling fits~~ psycho [her] painful [to me] concerts always happen RIGHT after I fall asleep?

❔ Why does my sister try to get the taste of the cat toothpaste out of her mouth after Momma brushes her teeth, but Smellie freely eats a dollop of toothpaste if it falls on the floor?

❓ Actual "what the funk?!?!?" conversation with my [less than sharp] sister:
Ellie Mae [EM]: Hi, Bear.
Bear Cat [BC]: Meh.
EM: Do you want to play with me?
BC: No.
EM: Why not?!?!
BC: I'm sleeping.
EM: No, you're not! You must be awake because you're talking to me! So why won't you play with me?
BC: I'm dead.
EM: Oh, okay. Rest in peace.

{Ellie finds Momma}
EM: Momma, will you play with me?
MK [Momma Kat]: Give me a minute.
EM: I asked Bear to play with me first.
MK: Okay.
EM: But he can't because he's dead.
MK: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!
EM: Yeah! First, he tried to tell me he couldn't play with me because he's sleeping! He can't pull one over on me anymore! I told him if he's talking to me, he isn't asleep! HA!
MK: He told you that he's dead?
EM: Yes.
MK: Do dead people talk?
EM: I don't know! I've never met a dead person.
MK: Do dead cats talk?
EM: Well, Bear just did, so yes!

Bear's note: That's my ~~pain-in-the-@$$~~ sister, Smellie ... bless her heart. I live with two clueless humans and one clueless cat - my survival is nothing short of miraculous.

If you missed part 1 of this post - or would like to re-read part 1 - you may find it here: Bear’s Adventures in Catting, part 1.

Which of Bear’s lessons learned while catting does your cat[s] agree? With which ones does your cat[s] not agree? Please take a moment to let us know what you think of Bear’s adventures – and whether you think he missed any essential cat experiences (we know there are a few – not the least of which is Bear’s disinterest in boxes)!

All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2020. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com.