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Bear's Tasty Whole Flightless Bird Ranch

Bear's got a new get-rich-quick scam to raise the capital for his Tasty Whole Flightless Bird Ranch (tasty whole chickens, emus and penguins). Of course, this puts Ellie Mae squarely in his sights as a potential mark. All that stands in his way is Momma [and the fact that Ellie doesn't have any money]!
BC: Bear Cat Kat [handsome tabby cat] 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat [black, gorgeously floofy cat] 
MK: Momma Kat [Bear and Ellie's human Momma, named Kat] 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 
BC: Momma, would you like to donate to charity?
MK: What charity?
BC: My Tasty Whole Flightless Bird Ranch. 
MK: Do you plan to rehabilitate hurt birds?
BC: Of course not! I plan to EAT them! But we can say we "rehabilitate" them in our literature ... rehabilitate ... in my tummy! And the best part?!? THEY CAN'T FLY AWAY!!!
MK: This is wrong on so many levels!
BC: I've applied for 501(c)(3) status.
MK: You WHAT?!
BC: Well, it's not REALLY a charity. Unless you consider it charitable on my behalf ... since I have to put up with Smellie and The Boy.
MK: And where are you going to house this Tasty Whole Flightless Bird Ranch?
BC: You're not using the second bedroom.
MK: Bear, that bedroom is too small for even three chickens.
BC: And several emus ... and a handful of penguins.
MK: No.
BC: When you say no ... do you mean NEVER or just not until I have the money?
MK: NEVER!
BC: Hmm ... so you won't donate to my charity?
MK: NO!
BC: FINE! I'll find another way to get the money!

{Bear huffs and walks away}
{An hour passes}
BC: Psst! Momma!
MK: Hi, Bear.
BC: How much is Smellie worth?
MK: Don't hold your sister hostage again. I'm not paying a ransom.
BC: She means that little to you?
MK: No. I don't negotiate with terrorists - even the furry purry - and often hissy p!ssy kind!
BC: Does Smellie have any money?
MK: I don't think so.
BC: So you don't give her allowance or anything?
MK: No! Do you get an allowance?
BC: No.
MK: See?
BC: I just take what I want.
MK: Oh, really? And how much of a "ransom" did you get last time you held your sister hostage?
BC: That's not the point.
MK: That's the ENTIRE point. You THINK you take what you want, but then you end up hidden away under the bed with your sister - who won't shut up - and who you can't stand for more than five minutes - so you end up offering ME money to take her off your hands.
BC: That's not how it happened.
MK: Uh huh.
BC: I offered you money to take her off my PAWS. I don't have hands. And I couldn't stand her for even three minutes. She kept asking me where the snacks were.
MK: Terrorist seems like an appropriate term.
BC: For Smellie? Yeah! I think that's accurate ... Smellie is a terrorist! Hmm ... maybe I could convince Smellie to commit to a payment plan.

MK: For what?
{Silence}
MK: Bear?
{Turning around}
MK: Bear?! BEAR?!?! Where'd you go?! YOU BETTER NOT SHAKEDOWN YOUR SISTER FOR SOMETHING BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY MONEY! AND IF YOU TAKE HER HOSTAGE AGAIN, I SWEAR ALL THE CRAP UNDER THE BED WILL NOT PROTECT YOU FROM MY WRATH!!!
{Two hours pass in silence and Momma totally forgets about the prior conversation}
EM: Erm ... Momma? Bear said I have to pay him for protection.
MK: From what?
EM: Umm ... I don't know. Hold on. I'll go ask him.
MK: Ellie, Ellie?! She's already gone!!
{A few minutes pass}
EM: Bear says he'll protect me from zombies, the Canadians and other assorted bad guys that might try to eat me.
MK: How many bad guys have tried to eat you since you moved here?
EM: Hold on.
MK: NO! WAIT!
{Pause}
MK: This is ridiculous.
{Five minutes pass}
EM: Bear said I've almost been eaten by three monsters, a midget and a canary.
BC: {from the other room} AND THE RUSSIANS!!! BLAMING THE RUSSIANS IS ALWAYS A SAFE BET!
MK: No one has tried to eat you!
EM: Are you sure?
MK: Fairly certain.
EM: Because I hide under the bed before they can get me?
MK: No. Because no one here has almost been eaten by anything. Daddy and I don't fit under the bed.
EM: So no one's going to eat me?
MK: No.
BC: {from the other room} ASK MOMMA WHAT HAPPENED TO KITTY!
EM: What happened to Kitty?
MK: She got old and sick and she went to a happy place.
EM: A happy place? Like with tuna and tons of friends and love and laps and bazookas and all that good stuff?
MK: Ellie, you have nothing to worry about!
EM: But Bear said I need protection!

MK: Ellie, tell BEAR that he'll need protection from me if he keeps trying to con you into giving him stuff.
EM: Okay. Hold on ...
MK: NOT RIGHT NOW! Ellie?!?
{Five minutes pass}
EM: Bear says I need his protection from mean people who might hurt me.
MK: Ellie, who's mean to you?
EM: Well, Bear. And the vet. And you ... when you want to clip my claws or brush my teeth.
BC: {from the other room} YOU THINK THAT'S BAD?! I get TWO shots, THREE sticks, a BUNCH of nasty tasting medicine ... all in one day ... EVERY day!
MK: Will Bear protect you from any of the threats you mentioned, Ellie?
EM: Err ... hold on. I'll go ask him.
MK: NO! My point is that ...
{Pause}
MK: She's gone AGAIN!
{Ten minutes pass}
EM: He said no.
MK: And he's not going to stop being mean to you?
EM: Erm ... hold on!
{A few minutes pass}
EM: No, he's not going to stop being mean to me.
MK: So do you need Bear's protection if Bear's not going to protect you from himself or anything else that has actually hurt you and he's not going to stop being mean to you?
EM: Hold on. I'll go ask him!
MK: ELLIE! I'm asking you!
EM: But I don't know the answer!
MK: And Bear does?
EM: Well, he seems to know more than I do ...
MK: About what?
EM: Let me ask him!
MK: Ellie? ELLIE?!?!
EM: {walking back into the room} He knows more about zombies and aliens ...
BC: {from the other room} AND OPPRESSION! COME BACK, SMELLIE, AND I'LL MAKE YOU AN OFFER FOR PROTECTION THAT YOU CAN'T REFUSE!

MK: Ellie, you can think for yourself!!
EM: I can?!?!
MK: YES!
BC: {from the other room} Protection for fifty percent off!!! FIFTY percent OFF! Going once ... going twice ...
EM: Erm ... I don't know ... it IS fifty percent off! That seems like a great deal!
MK: For something you don't need because it provides you no benefit ...
BC: {from the other room} Last chance!
MK: Shut it, pipsqueak!
EM: I THINK I can ... 
MK: What were the first two words you said?
EM: I. THINK. I think?!?
BC: {from the other room} Oh, great! They'll be no living with her now!
EM: I CAN! think for myself! I think! A ... B ... C ... P ... R ...
BC: {from the other room} I ... D ... I ... O ... T ...
EM: HA! You said 'I' TWICE! 'I' can't be in the alphanet TWICE!
BC: {from the other room} IT'S ALPHA-BET! BET! NOT NET!
EM: AND YOU'RE AN ALPHA-JERK!
MK: Haha. Mildly appropriate.
EM: Thinking is hard. Maybe I should outsource thinking to Bear?
BC: {from the other room} I HAVE ENOUGH BRAINS FOR BOTH OF US!
MK: What about how much trouble he gets himself into?
BC: {from the other room} I've never gotten into any trouble that I couldn't get out of!
MK: Oh, REALLY?!?!
BC: {from the other room} No speako Englaish!
MK: You no speako truthio abouta de jar of peanuto butterio! You no speako truthio abouta de toastero! You no speako truthio abouta de plastico bagio!
EM: STOP TALKING IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE! I can't understand what you guys are saying!

BC: {walking into the room} Really? Because I'd think speaking idiot is right up your alley!MK: Ellie, don't listen to ...
EM: But Bear said ...
MK: What?
EM: He said ...
MK: NO! What did you say before that?
EM: Bear said!
MK: And? What do you know about what Bear says?
EM: He says a lot?
MK: And is it true?
EM: Erm ... sometimes?
BC: {from the other room} ZOMBIES ARE COMING TO EAT YOUR BRAINS!
EM: OH, NO! I DO need his protection!
MK: BEAR! You're NOT helping!
BC: Helping isn't in my job description!
EM: Whoa! You have a job description?
BC: Yes, Ma'am. I'm a heartbreaker and a life-saver!
{Pause}
BC: No, wait. I'm a heart-taker and a life ... RATS!
EM: Does your job description include protecting us from zombies?
BC: All I'm going to say is that you are safe from brain-eating zombies.
EM: Really? You mean, I don't need to pay you to protect me?
BC: RATS!
MK: Too busy insulting your sister to realize you just undercut your own services?
EM: Bear wasn't insulting me! He just said I was safe from brain-eating ...
{Pause}
EM: WAIT. A. MINUTE.
BC: {sigh} Here it comes ...
EM: ARE YOU SAYING A ZOMBIE WOULDN'T EAT MY BRAINS BECAUSE MY BRAINS DON'T TASTE GOOD?
{Momma smacks her forehead with her palm}
BC: Ugh. That surpassed even my expectations.
EM: HA! You didn't think I was smart enough to figure out what you were trying to say!

BC: Not the expectation I was referring to.
EM: Everybody thinks I'm stupid, but I'm just as smarter as other cats!
MK: Ellie, we don't think you're stupid.
BC: {muttering under his breath} Because we KNOW it!
EM: WHAT?
BC: Err ... nothing.
MK: Ellie, don't believe anything Bear says.
BC: YEAH! Don't believe anything I say!
EM: Erm ... now, if I listen to Momma, I shouldn't believe Bear when he says not to believe anything he says ...
MK: Think for yourself, Ellie!
EM: Umm ... thinking for myself is really hard! Momma never lies to me ...
BC: Then she lied to me!
MK and EM: WHAT?!?!?!
BC: Yeah! Smellie, all the things I've told you that are lies, Momma told me! I was just repeating what she said!
EM: Momma, YOU told Bear I was discovered in the circus geek show? And you told Bear that I was a dolphin and can swim in the toilet? How could you, Momma?!
MK: What did I say about Bear?
EM: Erm ... you told me not to repeat ...
MK: What did I say?
EM: Bear's a dick?
BC: HEY! That's Major Dick to you!
MK: NO! Well, I DID say Bear's a dick ... but what did I tell you about believing what Bear says?
EM: You said I shouldn't believe anything he says.
MK: So?
EM: Well, if you told him lies, he's not the one I shouldn't believe, it's you!
MK: Ellie, why would I tell you Bear's lying about what he said?
EM: To get Bear in trouble?
BC: HEY! I don't need HELP getting in trouble! I can get in trouble JUST FINE on my own! Smellie, I've told you so many lies and you have no idea that just about everything I tell is complete ...

{Pause}
{Momma giggles}
EM: What's so funny?
BC: Momma, you're a huge pain in my butt!
MK: Bear, you're a huge pain EVERYWHERE!
BC: You always have to outdo me!
EM: Well, to be honest, it's not hard to out-do you when you sleep for 18 hours a day!
BC: Shut up, Smellie!
EM: YOU shut up!
BC: Say that to my face!
EM: SHUT. UP. BEAR.
{Pause}
EM: Oops. I said that to your butt! Turn around so I can say it to your face!
BC: You ARE in my face! What do you mean ...
{Pause}
BC: HEY NOW!
MK: Hahahahahahaha. She got you that time!
EM: I still don't get what was so funny ...
BC: Oh, shut up! Momma, next time you need a cat to save your life, don't look at me!


 © 2020 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2020. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

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44 comments

  1. Eastside CatsJuly 28, 2020 at 8:08 AM

    Bear, time to work on your entrepreneurial knowledge!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)July 29, 2020 at 12:42 AM

      I DID try to go to college ... but Momma said no! I understand supply and demand for food however ...
      ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. ReneJuly 28, 2020 at 8:19 AM

    It doesn't sound promising for your charity. . . just sayin'!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)July 29, 2020 at 12:43 AM

      I strongly believe charity should begin at home ... maybe with a starter chicken set courtesy of Momma? Or a herd of penguins? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  3. Brian's Home BlogJuly 28, 2020 at 8:29 AM

    Charity chickens sounds like a darn good idea Bear!

    ReplyDelete
  4. da tabbies o trout towneJuly 28, 2020 at 9:54 AM

    ellie; you and I know you're the smartest cat in the house and I would like your brother to disprove this fact because he can't and never will so there ~~~~~~ hugs from dai$y =^..*=

    bear, uz boyz will bak yur venture but onlee if ya switch up that menu dood...sorree but we canna
    doe nat ta any thing burd ree lated; itz knot ewe, itz uz ;) ♥♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)July 29, 2020 at 1:54 AM

      Is it really a bird if it can't fly?! Just asking for a friend ... ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  5. Katie IsabellaJuly 28, 2020 at 1:49 PM

    Ellie, gotta say I think you're the one with the common sense in the house. Now, I see it as Bear will have to change his approach just the eensist bit...or maybe a lot, if he wants to sell this idea for fund raising. Meanwhile, You and MK can braid your furs and hair until Bear comes to his senses or...until The Boy helps him plot the sales pitch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)July 29, 2020 at 1:56 AM

      The Boy helps?!? Bear comes to his senses? Have you met us?!? ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  6. Three Chatty CatsJuly 28, 2020 at 2:26 PM

    I'm going to be very surprised if that 501c3 comes through...But I guess you never know!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)July 29, 2020 at 12:45 AM

      I can start a special side-fund for the apprehension of Sophie's purse! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. Memories of Eric and FlynnJuly 28, 2020 at 3:06 PM

    Maybe you should start a Go Fundme. Bear!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Melissa, Mudpie and Angel Truffles (Mochas, Mysteries and Meows)July 28, 2020 at 5:20 PM

    Bear, maybe you could start selling a tortie calendar to raise some funds?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)July 28, 2020 at 11:32 PM

      Would Mudpie volunteer to model for the pictures?!? It would be tasteful, you can trust me! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. Cathy KeishaJuly 28, 2020 at 7:30 PM

    Brilliant. Your "charity" is right up there with my Help Me Foundation.

    ReplyDelete
  10. NormanWilkesJuly 28, 2020 at 9:29 PM

    Nice conversation!

    ReplyDelete
  11. meowmeowmansJuly 28, 2020 at 9:33 PM

    Haha. Ellie got you that time, Bear. And hey, watch out for those emus ... they're huge!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)July 28, 2020 at 11:34 PM

      You're right. It should be an emu farm ... much more bird for the buck! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  12. Kitties BlueJuly 28, 2020 at 9:52 PM

    You two must absolutely exhaust your mom. Poor Ellie is just so gullible and naive, she is a perfect target for Mr. Smarty Pants and his antics. Never a dull moment at your house. XOCK, angel Lily Olivia, angel Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, Cooper Murphy and Sawyer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)July 29, 2020 at 12:47 AM

      Momma says I can't use Smellie for target practice! I swear I'll only use the suction darts and not the sharp ones - but Momma says no! How will I ever catch my flightless birds? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  13. My Mind's EyeJuly 29, 2020 at 9:03 AM

    Simple fact Ellie girlz rule boyz drool
    Hugs Cecilia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)July 29, 2020 at 5:40 PM

      We just let them THINK otherwise ... the devil is in the details ;) ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  14. Tails Around the RanchJuly 29, 2020 at 9:23 AM

    Sounds like Bear puts the con in artist, doesn't he? 🤣

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)July 29, 2020 at 5:40 PM

      You have no idea! Have you ever heard his crapping (cat rapping)? ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  15. ToffeeJuly 29, 2020 at 10:57 AM

    Dear Bear, I'm very interested in your plan for a Flightless Bird Ranch. I would like to contribute towards the start-up costs on condition I can come and stay on the ranch for a couple of holidays a year. I have no money at the moment but I am at present building a trap in the garden to capture my next door neighbour cat. He's an idiot called Rajah. Your ransom idea for your sister might not have worked out quite to plan but I think it could be a goer as regards to Rajah. Let me know how much money you need. Regards, Toffee.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)July 29, 2020 at 5:43 PM

      You are BRILLIANT, Toffee! You have NO IDEA how many lady cats used to bring their milkshakes to my yard! They'd stop by at all times of the day and night ... I should've been trapping and ransoming them ... after the booty call of course! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  16. The Swiss CatsJuly 29, 2020 at 2:49 PM

    You're an entrepreneur now ? How exciting ! That charity sounds like an interesting idea ! Purrs

    ReplyDelete
  17. Lola The Rescued CatJuly 29, 2020 at 3:16 PM

    Our mom might want to donate! She's a sucker for any kind of animal sanctuary.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Feline Opines, the World from a Feline Point of ViewJuly 29, 2020 at 5:45 PM

    Hey Bear, Oliver here.
    I think your tasty flightless bird ranch is a great idea! Since Ellie won't contribute and it sounds like your humans aren't supporting you either, I say, do what the humans do. Start a kickstarter program for this very excellent idea. There are a lot of humans who would probably donate some money to get in on the ground floor of this novel business venture. As I am a cat that lives to eat, I find your idea most excellent!
    Purrs & Head Bonks,
    Oliver

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)July 29, 2020 at 5:47 PM

      I might be able to send you a little sum-thin sum-thin ... perhaps you could be part of my affiliate program? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  19. The Island CatsJuly 29, 2020 at 5:53 PM

    Maybe you should set up a GoFundMe for those chickens, Bear.

    ReplyDelete
  20. pilch92July 29, 2020 at 9:25 PM

    Bear, I admire your ingenuity coming up with the first ever tasty whole flightless bird ranch. I am sure you can find a way to fund it. Your momma and the boy must have credit cards they leave unattended when they sleep :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)July 30, 2020 at 1:36 AM

      They hide them from me! Maybe I can hire Smellie to find them for me - or ask them where they are? I'd have to give her a cut ... but it wouldn't bleed so badly ... ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  21. Jan KAugust 9, 2020 at 6:53 PM

    Penguins?? Really, Bear? As if chickens weren't bad enough....I think you should perhaps meet our crazy guinea fowl! Oh, but they can fly..... :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)August 18, 2020 at 2:53 AM

      Really ... because I thought the term for crazy was a chicken running around with its head chopped off ... you say the guineas can FLY with their heads chopped off?! I can see how that might be messy. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  22. Robert LuwisSeptember 2, 2020 at 12:31 PM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  23. MichaelOctober 6, 2020 at 7:40 AM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete

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