Bear goes to college

March 17, 2020

Bear has a new scheme for meeting torties! Momma isn't so sure about Bear's plans - and Ellie Mae can't help but be just a little irritated with Bear for always making fun of her. What does Bear plan on studying? And what's in Bear's suitcase?

BC: Bear Cat Kat [handsome tabby cat and Momma's Handsome Stripe-y Pants]

EM: Ellie Mae Kat [black, gorgeously floofy cat]

MK: Momma Kat [Bear and Ellie's human Momma, named Kat]

The Boy: Momma's fiance

MK: {walking through the house} Do de do ...
{Momma halts when she sees ...}

MK: BEAR!
BC: I DIDN'T DO IT?
MK: Let's try that again ... BEAR?!
BC: Err ... I'm not home.
EM: YES, you are! You just stole my spot on the couch next to Daddy's cushions!
BC: Will you just SHUT UP for once in your life?
EM: I will. When you just STOP BEING A JERK-FACE for once in your life!
BC: I'd rather be a jerk-face than a ...
MK: THAT'S ENOUGH!
{Pause}
MK: Why's there a suitcase by the front door?
BC: It's not mine.
EM: A suitcase? Can I sit in it?
MK: Okay. Let's review this. "Tasty whole chicken farm or bust."
EM: That makes no sense! Why would one want a tasty whole chicken farm when one could have a tasty whole tuna farm?
MK: Okay. So that rules out Ellie. "Have you kissed a Ginger today?"
BC: WHAT?!?! The sticker I bought said ...
EM: {GASP!!!}
BC: @*(!*@! RATS!
MK: Going somewhere?
BC: YEAH! Where I don't have a Momma that tricks me and sticks me!
EM: My scratcher better not be in your suitcase! Or my tuna!
MK: Which begs the question ... how did you pack without your sister climbing in the suitcase? Because I can't pack without her supervising.
BC: I waited until she screwed around with the puzzle feeder. She's too lazy to whack it more than a couple inches at a time - so for her to get enough to eat, it takes her like half an hour.

EM: IT DOES NOT!
BC: Which is why she should just go to our regular food bowls! It's the same kibble!
EM: NO, IT'S NOT!
{Pause}
EM: At least I don't THINK it's the same.
BC: This is how it goes ... small whack ... "OH! A piece of kibble! Food! This is great!" CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH. "I'm still hungry!" She keeps getting distracted by one piece of kibble.
EM: That's not true! Sometimes it's TWO pieces of kibble!
MK: To be fair, you're the one that showed her how to whack it really hard down the hall and then you ate half the kibble she worked for while she was busy eating the other half.
EM: YEAH!
{Pause}
EM: Wait ... WHAT?!?! HE DID?!?!?
BC: Here's a clue ... the stuff in the ball? IT'S THE SAME STUFF THAT'S IN THE FOOD BOWL!
EM: I don't like you very much right now.
BC: I don't like you, EVER.
EM: I'm tired of being the butt of all your jokes!
BC: Move over!
EM: WHAT? NO! You JUST kicked me off the couch!
BC: Well, now I want the love seat.
EM: I'm not moving.
BC: FINE!
{Pause}
BC: If you don't want to be the butt of all my jokes, maybe you shouldn't be a butt - maybe you shouldn't eat everything within a ten mile radius!
EM: If MY butt is big, what does it say about YOUR butt that you sit on me and I move?
BC: My butt has nothing to do with it. You just don't want me to groom you.
EM: I know where your tongue's been!
BC: Roughly the same place as yours.
EM: MY butt!
BC: Why isn't your tongue as offensive as my tongue given we lick the same real estate?
MK: Maybe her butt is cleaner?
EM: HE LICKS MY BUTT TOO!

MK: Oh. Gross.
EM: I KNOW!
BC: HEY! Don't knock it until you try it!
EM: I HAVE tried it!
MK: That's a little weird, Bear.
BC: I see you making kissy face with The Boy!
EM: EWWW! At least Bear doesn't make kissy face with me!
BC: I have standards.
EM: So do I!
MK: YOU TWO have standards? Don't even get me started!
{The front door opens}
The Boy: I'm hom ... OOF! Who put this suitcase here?
MK: Guess.
The Boy: "Striped and Proud. In Tabbies We Trust?"
BC: I'm going to college.
MK: WHAT?
The Boy: Huh?
BC: Phht. Given your vocabulary, you two might take a clue.
EM: I want to go to college!
BC: Phht. You'd never get in.
EM: I would too!
MK: What college allows cats?
BC: The ones worth one's money. Clearly, college didn't do much for you, Momma.
EM: But Momma's always telling everyone how smart you are!
BC: REALLY?! I didn't know anyone appreciated my ...
MK: Umm ... not quite. I tell everyone what a smart-ASS he is.
EM: His ass is smart? Is that why it's so big?
BC: How rude!
{Pause}
BC: See? Here's my admission letter!
MK: This is just a bunch of scribbles!
BC: That's a bona fide institution of higher education!
EM: But why would a cat college have bones? And higher education? Like higher than our cat tree?

BC: Catskill College.
EM: I don't kill! So "cats kill" is a little ...
BC: CAT SKILL COLLEGE.
The Boy: Cats have skills? Like what? How many rooms a cat can barf in in one twenty-four hour period?
MK: And who's paying for your education?
BC: Well, see, I have a lot of "paws on" life experience so I'm actually at the graduate school level. So I get to be a TA.
EM: Total ass? You're a total ass here!
MK: Bear, TA's have to work. They assist the teachers. Teacher Assistant.
BC: Wash your mouth out using that foul language! WORK! Clearly, any cat who works would never get into a school like Catskill.
MK: What do you help teach? Scratching 101?
BC: See!? Now, this proves exactly what I was saying. You humans are simple. YOUR first class in scratching would be 101. But us cats think globally. Scratching 808.
MK: What are you studying?
BC: Physical education.
MK: The most exercise you get is walking to the litter box.
BC: What does that have to do with anything. PHYSICAL. EDUCATION. We all know torties represent the perfect feline physical specimen. Tortie hotties ... here Bear comes!
The Boy: Hahahaha. I ... {seeing Momma's face} ... err ...
BC: Then there's social studies.
MK: Does this involve ogling torties too?
BC: Ogling? No. This is the paws on component. SOCIALIZING with torties - like dating.
MK: Why don't they call it Tortie U?
BC: Phht. Not EVERYTHING is about torties.

MK: Like what?
BC: MATH!
MK: And what does that entail?
BC: Tabby plus tortie equals a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVE connection.
MK: This is just wrong on so many levels.
EM: I WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE!
MK: Ellie, you don't want to learn this stuff. This is all about Bear chasing ... tail.
EM: You mean like how I chase his tail?
MK: No. Not LITERALLY. This is about Bear chasing ... pussy ... err ... cats.
EM: I'm a pussy cat.
BC: Phht. THAT'S debatable.
EM: Take that back!
BC: No.
EM: You'll be sorry!
BC: Then I guess you don't want to visit my dorm.
EM: Err ...
BC: See, instead of beds, we have laptops. We work and then we sleep. Multi-function!
EM: Ummmm ... Bear said the W word!
BC: And by "work," I mean bedding torties.
EM: Why would you want to make a bed of torties?
BC: Since you refuse to leave my loveseat, I'll be the bigger cat and move.
EM: HEY! I ALWAYS move! And in reality, you ARE the bigger cat!
BC: You DID NOT just go there.
MK: Bear, college isn't only about getting in ladies' pants.
BC: Did you even GO to college?
EM: Wait. Bear's got stripe-y pants, why would he need to wear ladies' pants?
{Pause}
EM: Wait ... is THAT why Bear spends so much time in Momma's closet?
MK: You know the answer to that. Remember? You shredded my homework? And put so many fang marks in my books, I didn't even bother to write my name in them?
BC: Phht. Accounting. Numbers. That's not college. That's ... insomnia treatment.

MK: Says the cat that ensures I never sleep.
BC: I was helping you do your homework.
MK: By breaking my calculator? And dying all the pages in one of my textbooks orange?
BC: YOU put that glass of soda on the floor. You were starting to fall asleep. Because of me, you got your homework done.
MK: For the SECOND time. Because what happened after I completed it the first time?
BC: Err ... you got me there.
EM: WHAT? What happened?
BC: Erm ... is there a tortie sorority?
MK: A Tortority? Like Hubba Hubba Hubba?
BC: Really? Tri-Hub? There is one?
MK: NO! Torties don't go to college!
EM: That's not really fair, I mean, torties are just as smart as other cats, and if Bear got in ...
MK: HE DIDN'T GET IN! Because cats don't go to college!
EM: Because cats aren't as smart as people?
The Boy: Huh. Now you're learning what it's like for ME to live with you. I keep talking and I just get in trouble!
MK: WHAT?
The Boy: Erm ... YOUNG MAN! You aren't leaving this house!
BC: You're not my real dad!
EM: {GASP!} NO! Bear's ADOPTED?
BC: Can't we get rid of her? I mean, you two bring down the average IQ around here ... but she just completely TANKS it.
EM: Like those fish tanks you bought thinking they were heavy artillery tanks?
{Silence}
EM: What?
BC: Shut up.
EM: Why?
BC: BECAUSE I SAID SO!
MK: Wait ... what's in this suitcase?
BC: DON'T TOUCH THAT!
{Momma opens the suitcase}

EM: {GASP!!!!} MY SCRATCHERS!
BC: Well, I tried to fit the couch in there and it wouldn't fit. I guess the scratchers are okay.
EM: THOSE ARE MY SCRATCHERS! AND THEY ARE MORE THAN OKAY!
MK: The Boy's pants?
The Boy: WHAT?
BC: Err ... I figured with me not here, you could relax the "pants required" rule.
EM: ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US?
BC: Hmm. That's a thought.
EM: OH NO!
MK: Don't listen to him. He doesn't mean it.
EM: Are you sure?
MK: Unless Bear's "paws on" life experience has garnered him thumbs, he still needs someone to scoop his litter box and open cans of food.
BC: RATS!

All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2020. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com.

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