BC: Bear Cat Kat [handsome tabby cat and Momma's Handsome Stripe-y Pants]
EM: Ellie Mae Kat [black, gorgeously floofy cat]
MK: Momma Kat [Bear and Ellie's human Momma, named Kat]
The Boy: Momma's fiance
The Boy: Hi! I'm home!
MK: Hi! We missed you!
The Boy: You would not believe the day I had! Everything went wrong! EVERY. THING.
EM: DADDY!
The Boy: Hi, Baby ...
EM: NOPE!
The Boy: But I've been gone for over twelve hours!
EM: You were? WHOA! I have more to catch you up on than I thought!
The Boy: You didn't notice I was gone?
EM: Err ... it was Momma time!
The Boy: All the time is Momma time!
MK: Lucky me!
BC: What's that supposed to mean?
MK: My favorite part of the day is when I'm squeezed in a two-inch wide swath of the bed - Bear on one side, The Boy on the other, and Ellie decides it's time to climb Mount Momma.
EM: I'm not as young as I used to be.
BC: That's the dumbest ... NO ONE is as young as they used to be. Hmm ... thanks to Momma, no one is as sane either ... but I tigress.
MK: Digress?
BC: That's what I said!
MK: No, you didn't.
BC: Whatever.
{Pause}
BC: To be fair, Mount Momma IS ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Err ... amply-built.
MK: Thanks, Bear. I feed you, you know.
BC: You couldn't starve your cute, sweet, innocent little kitty cat!
EM: YEAH! You couldn't starve me!
The Boy: Ellie, you're not little. Or innocent.
EM: HEY!
BC: I was talking about ME!
The Boy: You're not little or innocent either.
BC: But I'm handsome and manly.
MK: Then why do you squeal like a little girl when I pick you up to brush your teeth?
BC: What?
MK: You know what I'm talking about. You've squealed since I adopted you.
BC: I do not squeal! I'm no rat! Stitches get snitches!
EM: Wait, what?
MK: Snitches get stitches?
EM: What's that have to do with rats?
MK: Never mind.
BC: However, I do have some information you might be interested in ... you wouldn't believe what Smellie did in the corner!
EM: {GASP!} How did you know about that?
MK: Ellie, don't admit anything! You spend a lot of time in the cat tree corner. He doesn't have any information, he's just guessing you did something in the cat tree corner worth telling me about since you spend so much time there.
EM: Wait ... explain that again?
BC: Dumb ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: I didn't even call Smellie a ...
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: Momma knows all my tricks! I'm SCREWED!
EM: Wow. You have A LOT of tricks. Momma knows them all?
BC: Well, I do have a few up my handsome stripe-y sleeves that she doesn't know yet ...
EM: Like what?
BC: Well ... WAIT a minute! Nice, Smellie. Nice. Momma's taught you all her evil tricks.
EM: Momma doesn't have even a hair of evilness! She's my Momma!
BC: If only she was only as smart as you are.
EM: I'm smart?
BC: Insults don't pack quite as much of a punch when the target doesn't get them.
MK: Bear, maybe you should tell on yourself.
BC: All this squealing nonsense. You make me sound ... GIRLY. Phht. I'm more man in my little claw than ...
EM: Didn't Momma clip your claws today?
BC: RATS!!
{Pause}
BC: I think you should clarify for all the torties out there that I'm HUNG.
EM: Out to dry?
BC: NO! HUNG!
EM: Isn't that a bad thing?
BC: Do you want me to show you?
MK: NO!
EM: So you survived?
BC: That's right! My manparts swing in the wind!
EM: Because you were hung?
BC: ARE hung.
EM: You don't look hung anymore.
MK: Oh, for the love ...
BC: It's clear that Momma had never met a real man before me. Sounds like Smellie's in the same boat.
EM: I'm in a boat? I HATE WATER! I better not get wet ... or drown!
MK: Bear ...
BC: When I was intact, I could've taught you a thing or two, Smellie.
EM: Like what?
MK: DON'T YOU DARE!
BC: When I was intact ...
EM: Intact? Where's the rest of you?
BC: ... I had to beat Kitty off with a stick.
MK: Bear, she handed you your butt on a platter just for looking at her funny!
EM: So his butt is removable? Because he's no longer intact? Does he have it all now? Because it looks pretty big in those stripes.
BC: That was foreplay.
EM: What's the difference between regular play and foreplay?
MK: Bear, if you had dared to get to know her in another way, she would've neutered you herself with two paws tied behind her back.
EM: In what way?
BC: Some women are scared of real men.
MK: Have you re-written your entire past?
BC: If you must know ... when you found me, I worked for the CIA.
EM: REALLY?
BC: YEAH!
EM: Wait ... what's the CIA?
The Boy: Certainly NOT the Cat intelligence agency.
EM: OH! Daddy! You're home!
The Boy: WHAT?! I already ...
BC: Phht. We cats don't need an intelligence agency.
EM: I had a bad day.
The Boy: I had a bad day too!
BC: Oh, you two have NO IDEA! Momma tried to smother me with blankets as I slept.
MK: WHAT?
BC: I was sleeping on the bed next to you and you threw the covers over me to get up! SHE TRIED TO MURDER ME! I had but one breath left to breathe!
EM: {mumbling to herself} So close ...
MK: Yes, and I've apologized sixty times! As soon as I saw your lump under the blanket, I uncovered you.
BC: My lifeless, almost breath-less limp lump! Almost murdered! By my own Momma!
MK: Don't tempt me.
EM: Limp lump? Is that because you were hung?
BC: ARE hung!
{Pause}
BC: Did you hear that?
EM: No.
BC: SEE!? She admits trying to smother me! And after I saved her life! Just call her the Bear-slayer!
The Boy: At work, I had a bunch of birds that needed repairs.
BC: I KNEW it! Where are they?
The Boy: What?
BC: The birds that you're hiding from me! Can you say ... tasty whole chickens?
The Boy: NO! Airplanes.
BC: Do they taste like tasty whole chickens?
The Boy: No.
BC: Never mind.
EM: HELLO!!!! WHY'S EVERYONE IGNORING ME!? I HAD A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE DAY AND NO ONE CARES!
BC: Uh oh. I'm out of here.
The Boy: Why did you have a bad day, Ellie?
BC: As riveting as this is going to be, you're going to regret asking her that.
The Boy: I had a bad day too! We can be there for each other.
EM: YOU had a bad day? YOU had a bad day? I DON'T THINK SO!
The Boy: But ... {seeing Ellie's face} ... Err ... nothing like yours.
EM: You heard?
The Boy: No. Maybe you could tell me ...
EM: I thought you'd never ask!
The Boy: I ...
EM: Right after you left for work, I lost my favorite ball!
The Boy: The red sparkle one?
EM: What?
The Boy: Your favorite ball is the red sparkle one.
EM: No.
The Boy: It used to be.
EM: No, it wasn't.
MK: She's talking about her purple yarn ball.
EM: YEAH! I was so busy trying to rescue Ple, that I didn't notice Momma scooped the litter box. Bear beat me in the box and had a stinky poop ... and I stepped in it!
The Boy: You stepped in a stinky poop?
EM: Are you listening?
The Boy: Ye ...
BC: {from the other room} How many times have I told you stinky poops go in the stinky poop side?! If you don't want to step in a stinky poop, stand in the other side!
EM: How do I know the stinky poop side? Is it length-wise side or width-wise side?
BC: {from the other room} LEFT! LEFT is the stinky poop side!
EM: From which perspective?
BC: {from the other room} {sigh} Alternatively, you could just sniff around the litter box and find the stinky poop so you can avoid stepping in it.
EM: That makes a lot of sense! I don't have to remember which side is which!
BC: {from the other room} You're welcome.
EM: Anyway, back to my HORRIBLE day. Then I missed my 12:51 pm nap because I had to wait for the litter box and after I stepped in Bear's poop, I had to clean my foot.
{Pause}
EM: Then, I noticed a bug about to run under the couch near my purple ball ... and I JUST missed it! I tried to get my ball and the bug out, but I couldn't reach either. Then I couldn't find Momma! I thought I lost my people!
The Boy: What about me?
EM: What about you?
The Boy: I'm your person too!
EM: I thought you said you weren't here?!
The Boy: I WASN'T! But it kind of sucks that you didn't notice.
EM: Well, I did notice that someone hadn't scooped the litter box after Bear's stinky poop.
The Boy: Great. You miss the pooper-scooper, but not your Daddy.
MK: BEAR!
BC: {from the other room} How did you know I was going to ...
EM: EXCUSE ME! We're talking about ME here! So then I meowed mournfully because I thought I'd never see my Momma ever again!
BC: {from the other room} At least there's one good thing about all this drivel ... I'm about to fall asleep!
EM: HEY! You have to listen to me!
BC: {from the other room} I've already heard all this six times.
EM: Oh. Yeah. Okay.
The Boy: I've heard all this six ... err ... four times already?
EM: NO, YOU DIDN'T! You just don't want to listen to me!
BC: {from the other room} Just when I think she's hopeless ...
The Boy: {sigh} Continue.
EM: Then ...
To read about the rest of Ellie Mae's bad day, we'll post part two within the next week. Stay tuned!
© 2020 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com.
Featured posts:
- To read about Bear's litter box decisions, see Poopetiquette.
- The Boy finds himself in trouble more often than not ... to read about a few recent examples:
Poor Ellie, it's awful to be ignored all of the time.
ReplyDeleteThat girl gets more attention than I do! Gosh forbid she doesn't get snuggles for five whole minutes! ~Bear Cat
DeleteI think Ellie deserves a bunch of new sparkle balls for being ignored like that!
ReplyDeleteI agree. ~Ellie Mae
DeleteWell, stepping in someone else's poop is a really bad way to start out, just saying...
ReplyDeleteI know! As if I don't already deal with enough of Bear's crap! ~Ellie Mae
DeleteHmmm, maybe Ellie needs a cardboard cutout of the Boy to sound off against whilst he's away, and or a tape recorder so she can make a homecomming message. Now what I really want to know is: these plane loads of birds, do you ever get any of mice? I'm asking for myself and a few friends ;)
ReplyDeletePurrs
ERin
Phht. When I talk to Daddy when he's here, it's LIKE I'm talking to a cardboard cut out! Or a wall! Daddy's little girl. Phht! ~Ellie Mae
DeleteEllie May bless your sweet Princess heart...and the walk in the poop oh my...
ReplyDeleteHugs Cecilia
As if I don't already deal with enough of Bear's crap! ~Ellie Mae
DeleteDear Ellie, you are not alone. There's a lot of us who get less attenshun cuz somebody else in the fam is a huge attenshun hog. ~>namely Rabbit but we aren't naming names. Dori: I weccommend that yoo put the bitey on ankles to get yoor fair share of attenshun. Herman: And I recommend you sit directly in their laps and stare into their eyes, basically putting a mind meld on them. Works for me!
ReplyDeleteI have so much to learn from the wise masters of catdom! ~Ellie Mae
DeleteThat was a bad day, stepping in Bear's stinky poop. I bet he left it there as a booby trap.
ReplyDeleteAs if I don't already deal with enough of Bear's crap! Err ... wouldn't that be a poopy trap? ~Ellie Mae
DeleteEllie, you poor baby! Mudpie meows mournfully when she can't find me in the house either. It's a completely different sound she makes for that reason alone. Breaks my heart to think she cries like that when I'm not home to reassure her.
ReplyDeleteIt gets my Momma too. Maybe she's misunderstanding that though. I find it hard to believe that Smellie wouldn't know where Momma is. ~Bear Cat
DeleteNo one puts Ellie in the corner!
ReplyDeleteWell, TECHNICALLY, I like to hide in the corner ... but that's not the same thing, right? ~Ellie Mae
DeleteOh no! Stepping in poop certainly is a bad day!
ReplyDeleteAs if I don't already deal with enough of Bear's crap! ~Ellie Mae
DeleteIt's not fair that Daddies have to work, they should be home 24/7 to take care of their little girls!! We know Momma tries....but Bear is a lot to deal with and Momma can only do so much. MOL
ReplyDeleteErm ... keep this to yourself ... but I actually LIKE when Daddy isn't around because then I don't have to compete with him for Momma's attention ;) ~Ellie Mae
DeleteOh poor beautiful Ellie, you really have had a bad day, haven't you?
ReplyDeleteYES! HORRIBLE! ~Ellie Mae
DeleteWithin the next week! You are the second post that is making us wait to find out what happens. We are cats with short attention spans. Sheesh! Ellie Mae, we truly hope your day wasn’t really, really bad. XOCK, angel Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, Cooper Murphy and Sawyer
ReplyDeleteWe think it will be worth the wait!
DeletePoor Ellie. I am sorry that you had a terrible, no good, very bad day.
ReplyDeleteAt least no one thought I was a skunk ;) ~Ellie Mae
Deletemy stars ellie I am ever so sorry you had such a bad day and yes I am listening to you and yes I understand and sometimes it's OK to lose people at least until dinner time but it's never ok to lose cash or your credit card, just tossing this in here and the entire litter box issue is just enough to make you upset for the next....how many days do you want to be upset... so you get extra attention ~~ ?? !!
ReplyDeletehugs from dai$y =^..*= ♥♥
FOREVER! I want extra attention and consideration forever! Unless I don't want it in the moment ... but I'd let you know ;) I don't have a credit card - or cash. Should I include those in the list of my demands for proper treatment? ~Ellie Mae
DeleteAMARULA: Firstly Bear let me say that I know your poos could NEVER be smelly! But then let me say how much I laughed to hear your sister stepped in your poo!! Ha ha! (Let me guess, did you give her a little push?!)
ReplyDeleteI wish! But you know, it serves her right for always being all up in my business! Maybe Frodo could benefit from this approach? ~Bear Cat
Deleteoh Ellie!! Can I kiss you and try and make that horrible day better?
ReplyDeleteI take kisses! And hugs and ear rubs and attention and love and ... and ... stuff. ~Ellie Mae
DeleteInteresting, I had no idea there's a stinky poop side! Perhaps my cats know since they don't step in it.
ReplyDeleteOh, they know. My Momma used to call Bear the litter box Nazi. ~Ellie Mae
DeleteEllie! I was thinking the same as a kitty above me...that someone...who shall remain nameless but who wears stripey pants and a stripey vest, MAY have accidentally (HA!) used you right after you stepped in the litter box! Now I don't know this, because I wasn't;t there but I thought I read or heard snickers all the way through your story! Who in the world else would snicker!?
ReplyDeleteI'll get my revenge ... mark my words ... stripey pants is going down! ~Ellie Mae
DeleteAww, poor Ellie! YOur day does sound like it was pretty rotten, sweet girl. We sure hope everyone will listen to your story. You gotta get that stuff out, right?
ReplyDeleteThey better listen more than once too! ~Ellie Mae
DeletePoor Ellie. Life is tough being such a pretty kitty.
ReplyDeleteDon't you know it! ~Ellie Mae
DeletePoor Ellie ! We hope the rest of the day is better ! Purrs
ReplyDeleteThank you! I need a vacation! ~Ellie Mae
DeleteEllie, since Bear likes to make signs, tell him to make one that indicates the poopy-side of the box. Tee hee hee. Kisses.
ReplyDeleteShe'd still poop in the wrong side of the box - even with a sign! ~Bear Cat
Delete