There's an app for that

November 8, 2019

The cats are upset that they won't be getting smartphones as they've already chosen their apps and ringtones. If you missed the posts detailing why our cats will NOT be getting smartphones of their own: Texting with cats and More texting with cats. As it turns out, the cats have been messing around with The Boy's smartphone and he isn't very happy about that. Plus, Momma's new computer antagonizes the cats and scars them for life.

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: So when do we get our new cell phones?
MK: We're not.
EM: WHAT?! I was really excited about getting my own cell phone!
MK: You and Bear would be ridiculous.
EM: Bear and I are ALREADY ridiculous!
MK: That is true.
EM: But ... but ... I found the PERFECT app!
MK: Err ... what?
EM: An APP!
MK: I don't know what that is!
EM: It's software for mobile devices!
MK: Wait a ... how do YOU know about apps?
EM: Doesn't everyone?
{Pause}
EM: I guess not. The perfect app for me is the LAP APP.
MK: Ugh.
EM: It tells me if any laps are available within a certain radius.
MK: You could just walk in another room and check.
EM: This way, I don't have to get up to check! If no laps are available, why get up?
MK: Because you're lazy.
EM: It's TECHNOLOGY, Momma! Everybody does it!
MK: Or DOESN'T do it as the case might be when one doesn't have to get up to check something.
EM: Can we PLEASE get cell phones?
MK: NO!
EM: I already picked out my ringtone!

MK: How? The Boy is the only one with a smart cell phone.
The Boy: {walking in the front door} WHO CHANGED MY RINGTONE TO CLUCKING CHICKENS?!
MK: Ellie? Chickens?!
EM: But ...
BC: {walking into the room} Those are my chickens. Smellie put some lame, stupid ringtone on his phone so I put a better one on there! You're WELCOME!
The Boy: When your Momma called me at work, I got in trouble! Apparently, some people are scared of chickens!
BC: Phht. It's chickens who should be afraid. Chickens are chicken!
The Boy: That's not the point!
BC: Be glad I didn't leave Smellie's ringtone on there! Or made a really juicy fart ringtone.
EM: He's right! I heard the really juicy fart one! He listened to it over and over and rolled all over the floor laughing.
BC: You would've been the laughingstock of the office!
EM: HEY! My ringtone wasn't so bad though!
BC: When we get our new phones, she should be banned from having ringtones!
EM: That's not fair! Momma! Tell Bear that's not fair!
MK: We're not getting cell phones.
BC: WHAT?!? Ms. Cheap-y McCheap doesn't want to pay for them?
EM: Momma said we'd be ridiculous!
BC: We're ALREADY ridiculous!
MK: You changing The Boy's ringtone just proves I made the right decision!
BC: If I had my OWN cell phone, I wouldn't need to use The Boy's.

The Boy: Wait a minute ... YOU are the reason I was charged for that tortie playmate site, Viva le Tortie!
BC: Phht. Let me tell you. You're not missing anything.
The Boy: What?
BC: DISAPPOINTING!
The Boy: How?
BC: Maybe it's just because Amarula and Mudpie are so hot - but none of those playmate torties could hold a candle to either!
EM: Holding a candle to something is dangerous. Momma said we're not allowed to use the candles.
BC: Oh, yeah? How about I hold a candle to your scratcher?
EM: {GASP!!!!} You WOULDN'T! That's not something anyone should even JOKE about! Momma! Tell him he can't burn my scratcher!
MK: He wouldn't really.
BC: Oh?
EM: SEE!!! Tell him he's not allowed to burn my scratcher or anything else I own!
MK: Bear ...
The Boy: I don't care how Viva le Tortie was disappointing - how did you bypass my user control?
BC: I don't remember.
EM: TELL HIM HE CAN'T BURN MY SCRATCHER or I'll burn ALL his catnip!
BC: Huh. That might actually work. Burning the catnip might intensify the effect! I could find out about this "inhaling" thing.
EM: MOMMA!!! TELL BEAR HE'S GROUNDED AND IN BIG TROUBLE!

MK: Ellie, he's not going to hurt anything of yours.
EM: You should've seen what he did with my favorite pom-pom ball! I can't even look at it without blushing anymore! If he messes with my scratcher, I'm going to ... err ... DO SOMETHING REALLY BAD TO HIM!
BC: There's not much you could do that's worse than sharing a litter box with you.
EM: THAT'S IT! I'm tired of you being mean to me! I'm going to rearrange your face until it's indistinguishable from your back end!
The Boy: Back to something that's important ... the Viva le Tortie subscription was one hundred and forty-nine dollars and ninety-seven cents!
BC: REALLY?! That's a good deal! I might need to reconsider canceling my subscription. The site said the monthly price was two hundred and thirty-nine dollars ... {seeing The Boy's face} ... err ... free?!
The Boy: And Chickens Gone Wild?
BC: Phht. Even more disappointing. I thought the site would be videos of chickens running around with their heads cut off! But it was some sicko site!
The Boy: Sicko as opposed to headless chickens?
EM: Headless chickens?! That's not very nice! Though it's not as bad as some brother burning a girl's scratcher!
BC: I never knew people could get it on with chickens.
EM: Get on what?
The Boy: EWW! You watched that on my phone?
EM: OH! Is there a tunas gone wild site?
MK: NO!
EM: Well, that's not fair! That's discrimination against tunas! Tunas can be wild too!

MK: NONONONONONO. Nothing going wild - including imaginations.
The Boy: I can't get the image of person doing it with a tuna out of my head!
BC: Is it as good for you as it is for me?
EM: Doing what with a tuna? Because I can think of like eighty-four things I'd like to do to a tuna.
MK: Neither of you are allowed to touch The Boy's cell phone!
BC: But I need the Nap App!
EM: SEE?!? Everyone does it, Momma!
MK: The Nap App?
BC: Never miss a nap again! You enter a napping schedule and it reminds you when it's your nap time.
MK: How about taking a nap when you're tired?
EM: You'd understand if you were a cat.
BC: Speaking of ... I want to develop a crap app.
MK: This just gets worse!
EM: That's BRILLIANT! It would tell people when the litter box needs scooping!
BC: WHAT?! NO! The crap app would help a cat rapper create the perfect rap.
MK: How many crappers exist?
BC: I don't care. I'm the best crapper. That's all that matters. My app could help budding crappers reach their full potential.
MK: Why do I even ask?
BC: I also had an idea for a gap app. It tells you how much room a cat has to lay when a human insists on sharing space with the cat. It would also mathematically calculate the perfect spot to lay on the plane so that a human wouldn't fit.

EM: I don't want to lay on a plane!
BC: "Momma got a doughnut butt? Use the gap app to find the perfect laying position so she can't share your space with you."
EM: I'd get that app!
MK: Neither of you are allowed to touch The Boy's cell phone!
BC: But your cell phone is no fun because it's a dumb phone! Besides taking pictures of Smellie's butt, it's not good for very much.
EM: Tock-tober is over!
MK: What?
EM: Don't feel left out, Momma. We got plenty of pictures of our butts for you!
MK: As if I don't already spend most of my day staring at your butts?
EM: Now you have the pictures on your phone!
MK: Is that why the memory on my phone is so low?
EM: Your phone forgets things? How old is it?
BC: Phht. It's a dumb phone.
MK: Remember what happened yesterday?
EM: Hahahahahaha. That was great!
BC: Nothing happened yesterday.
EM: Yeah, it did!
BC: Where are the pictures? If there aren't pictures, it never happened.
The Boy: What happened?
BC: NOTHING!
EM: See, Momma was setting up her new computer and Bear ...

WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY ...

MK: Ellie, can you watch my new computer while I do some stuff?
EM: What's it supposed to do? What happens if I miss what I'm looking for?
MK: Just make sure your brother doesn't antagonize the computer.
BC: And WHO is THIS fine specimen?
EM: Uh oh.
BC: Helllllllo.
EM: It's Momma's new computer! She's finally setting it up!
BC: What's its name?
EM: Err ... I don't know.
BC: Her computer's name is "I don't know?"
EM: I DON'T KNOW!
BC: What?! She gets herself a fancy computer but we can't have cell phones?
EM: Momma DOES have our blog.
BC: OUR blog? I don't think so!
{The computer beeps}
BC: IT BEEPED AT ME!
EM: I don't think it actually beeped AT you ... but maybe you're in the way. You know how cars honk and other cars to get out of the way?
BC: I won't take this disrespect! Not from a tooth-less, claw-less dimwit.
EM: What disrespect?
BC: YOu don't scare me, computer. I have my eye on you. I can take you apart piece by piece!
EM: Uh oh.
BC: DID YOU SEE THAT?! It BLINKED at me! Mercy is for the weak. And this computer has blinked its last.
EM: I think I should go get Momma.
BC: Phht. I don't need Momma to protect me from this dimwitted machine!

{WHAP!}
{WHAP!}
{The DVD tray opens}
EM: OH NO! I think you made it mad!
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It took a swing at me! It's after me! Wait until my Momma comes back! She won't let anyone disrespect me.
EM: Momma DID take you to the vet ...
BC: On second thought, yeah she would. This computer will be in pieces when I get done with it.
{Another beep}
BC: {taking off down the hall} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
EM: Bear under the bed might just be the safest for all involved!
{The computer beeps}
EM: Err ... Bear?!?! MOMMA?!?!?
{Pause}
{The computer beeps}
EM: *&%@ THAT! I'm getting out of here!
{Pause}
EM: {while running own the hall} It's going to eat me! BEAR! Move over! I'm coming under the bed!
BC: Oh, great! Tell it where we are! Now I need to find a new spot!
EM: OH NO! There are only a few hiding spots I fit!
BC: You can thank me later for not turning your comment into an insult ... I'm too busy finding a new hiding spot!
{Pause}
BC: And I'm sized out of hiding spots too.
EM: We'll start a diet!
BC: Tomorrow!
EM: Agreed!

All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com.

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