The Boy Formerly Known as Daddy

The Boy's home from his trip and he doesn't quite get the reception he expects. Bombshells are revealed and The Boy ends up in the doghouse! Welcome home, The Boy Formerly Known as Daddy!

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: DADDY! You're home!
The Boy: Hi, Baby Girl.
BC: Oh, @&^*! He's back!
EM: You wouldn't believe what Momma and Bear did to me!
BC: Yeah. We looked at her.
EM: Shut up!
The Boy: What did they do to the prettiest and sweetest cat ever?
BC: What did I do to myself?
EM: I'M the prettiest and sweetest cat ever ... you're just a ... a ...
The Boy: Jerk?
EM: YEAH!
{Pause}
EM: The other night Momma and Bear took off and went somewhere and I WASN'T INVITED! I thought they'd left me ALL ALONE!
BC: Momma called you several times!
EM: I know ... but I couldn't find you!
BC: Darn.
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: Because you were worried that you wouldn't get your wet food treat?
EM: I was scared!
BC: Phht. Like I am every time I see your face?
EM: OH, SHUT UP! NO ONE ASKED YOU!
The Boy: It's okay, Ellie. Ignore him!
EM: I do! MOST of the time.
BC: HEY!
EM: And then ... and then ... later that night ... Momma got out the toothbrush and Bear saw her first, so he got the hiding spot under the cat tree and he wouldn't let me hide next to him! He was MEAN!
BC: There wasn't enough room! You need a diet.
EM: We weigh about the same! So if I need a diet, you need a diet!

BC: I'm just fluffy!
EM: And I'm big-boned!
MK: Holy crap! They sound like us!
EM: When Momma put out our food plates, Bear got first pick and I had to eat whatever was left over!
MK: Now wait a minute ... I need Bear to eat. Seeing as you eat anything even semi-edible off the floor ...
EM: FAVORITISM! I'm going to found a support group for disadvantaged kitties that have to watch their siblings eat all matters of yumminess while they starve!
BC: As you just said, you weigh just as much as me.
EM: That's irrelevant! I don't like being left out!
MK: Holy *&@$, the longer she's here, the more she turns into Bear.
BC: HEY! She's NOTHING like me!

EM: {at the same time} HEY! He's a bad example! He should be in trouble!

The Boy: Ellie, you just have to realize that for a long time it was just Momma and Bear. They do their thing and it doesn't always include us.
BC: Phht. If I had MY way, it would NEVER include either of you!
The Boy: Really? How many times have you slept between me and your Momma?
EM: WHAT?!?! I got left out of that too? I wasn't invited!
BC: Phht. Invitations are for sissies.
MK: He's right. Bear does what he wants and doesn't wait for anyone to ask.
The Boy: Come sit on my lap?
EM: Erm ... well ... see, it's Momma and my snuggle time. Maybe later?

The Boy: I was just gone for TWO days! And you were JUST complaining about her!
EM: Well, yeah ... but she's my Momma!
BC: Well, TECHNICALLY she's MY Momma. I just loan her out for the services I don't provide.
The Boy: And what am I?
EM: Momma said if I can't say anything nice ...
{The Boy walks over and picks Ellie up off Momma's lap}
EM: {SNIFF} YOU SMELL LIKE ANOTHER CAT, DADDY! HOW COULD YOU?
MK: Uh oh. That didn't take long.
EM: You KNEW that he cheated on me?
MK: I saw the picture.
EM: THERE'S PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF HIM CHEATING ON ME?

The Boy: You see me and Bear all the time!
EM: Well, but the look on Bear's face always says he's just putting up with you.
BC: Huh. She's not as dumb as she looks.
EM: WHAT?
BC: Err ... nothing.
The Boy: Her name is Latte.
EM: YOU'RE ON A FIRST NAME BASIS WITH ANOTHER CAT? YOU ARE NOT THE BESTEST THING EVER! YOU'RE THE WORSTEST THING EVER!
BC: Hey, this Latte chick? Is she a tortie? Because torties ... ARE HOT! And we could trade her for Smellie.
EM: Do you REALLY want to tick me off right now?
BC: Err ... no. I'm with you! How dare he! Have you noticed that your "Daddy" left you? Isn't that worse than not being able to find me and Momma? WE didn't leave you.
{Pause}
BC: {mumbling to himself} Not that I didn't try to talk Momma into it ...
EM: Hmmm ... you're right!
The Boy: HEY!
EM: Don't talk to me, The Boy Formerly Known as Daddy!
The Boy: Wait! So you forgive Momma and not me?
EM: She's the Momma! And I like her ear rubs. And she never smells like other cats!
The Boy: When we go to the park, she never pets any of the dogs either! I love petting the dogs. She's too worried about what you two might smell.
EM: YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH RANDOM DOGS?!
BC: Ooooh! Smellie's about to blow!
EM: I'm not allowed to blow! Remember? Last time I tried to give you a blow job?
{Momma spits out her drink}
{The Boy laughs}
The Boy: What goes on around here when I'm away?
BC: Your breath was stinky! Don't EVER blow on me again!

MK: I don't know if I'm relieved or confused. Ellie, why would you blow on Bear?
EM: He asked me to!
MK: You know what? I don't want to know.
EM: Bear said he wanted the wind-swept look for his photo shoot!
MK: Photo shoot?
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHH!
EM: For the Banging Hot Torties centerfold!
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: That's not the name of the magazine! It's Kitty Kitty Bang Bang.
MK: WHAT?!?! You don't leave this house! When did this "photo shoot" happen?
{Pause as Bear considers a distraction technique}
BC: The Boy's in the doghouse!
MK: Wait wait ... photo shoot? Kitty Kitty Bang Bang? Is that supposed to be some sick play on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
BC: Shhh! Momma! You're dating yourself!
EM: This is the dog's house? I've never seen the dog. He won't eat me, right? How does he feel about us living here?
MK: WHAT?
EM: Bear said The Boy's in the doghouse! He's here! So this must be the doghouse!
BC: See what brilliance you missed out on?
The Boy: I want kitty cuddles!
BC: Don't look at me!
EM: Nope.
MK: I'm glad you're home.
{Silence}
The Boy: BUT I WANT KITTY SNUGGLES!
BC: Phht. I want a tank.
EM: OH! I like this game! I want a tuna farm!
BC: I want a bazooka!
EM: Err ... I want an endless supply of sparkle balls!
MK: I want a stiff drink, ibuprofen, and to find out why Bear's in Kitty Kitty Bang Bang.
BC: I want to be an only child!
EM: I want to be a dog!

{Silence}
MK: I don't know where to go with that.
EM: Does that mean I win?
{Bear walks up to Ellie and WHAP!}
EM: OWWW!
BC: Did I smack some sense into you?
EM: Cents? I have money? I thought you put money in a piggy bank.
BC: Well, you ARE a piggy.
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: She's hopeless. I bet that Latte cat has more sense in her little claw than my stupid ... {seeing Ellie's face} ... err ... never mind.
{Pause}
BC: Put a leash on her, she's done!
EM: OH! I get my own leash? Do I get a collar? Do I? Do I?
BC: It's almost freakish! Put her and a dog up to a blind taste test and I bet no one could tell the difference.
{Pause}
EM: Do I get my own dog house?
BC: What a GREAT idea! OUTSIDE!
EM: Because I don't think I'd like that. I like being with my people all the time.
BC: I can't believe The Boy snuggled up with another cat. It's an OUTRAGE!
EM: YEAH!
BC: We're not talking to you anymore!
EM: YEAH!
The Boy: But ...
EM: YEAH!
The Boy: Should I leave?
BC: YES!
EM: Err ... I AM with my Momma ... sure. Why not?
The Boy: HEY! I'm your Daddy!
EM: No. You're The Boy Formerly Known as Daddy.
The Boy: You know what that means?
EM: What?
The Boy: If Ellie won't give me snuggles, I have to get them elsewhere.
{Bear turns green}
BC: Err ... Don't even think about it. Smellie, maybe he didn't mean to cheat on you ... or he was framed?

EM: I don't know. I don't see a frame.
The Boy: Come here, lover boy!
BC: HWK! HWK! HW ...
{The Boy drops Bear}
BC: {running away to hide} Thank you very much.
The Boy: Baby girl?
EM: NO!
MK: I'm glad you're home! We could cuddle!?
The Boy: But I want a cat!
MK: Fine. Ask a cat to make your lunch for tomorrow.
The Boy: Uh oh. I should quit while I'm ahead.
BC: {from the other room} You call this ahead?! You shot yourself in two feet, both arms, and dug your own grave! Nothing like a woman scorned ... much less TWO women scorned! Even I'M not THAT stupid!
The Boy: Honey?
{Pause}
The Boy: Honey?!
{Pause}
The Boy: Ellie?
{Pause}
The Boy: Ellie?!?

All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com.