Momma's birthday

November 29, 2019

Momma's birthday was this past Monday, and the cats were on their best behav ... Hahaha. I couldn't get that out with a straight face! We'll be celebrating Thanksgiving next week, so stay tuned for the turkey-related shenanigans.

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: Momma? When are you giving birth?
{Momma spits out her drink}
MK: Excuse me?
EM: Bear said ...
MK: Oh, here we go.
EM: Bear said it's your birth day and you're giving birth today. The baby won't eat me, right?
MK: No, Ellie.
EM: PHEW!
MK: No, I mean I'm not giving birth, it was the day I was born.
{Silence}
EM: Bear told me that for you to give birth, I have to be asleep and quiet - like with kids for Santa Claus.
MK: Oh, for Pete's ...
EM: I thought Santa's name was Nick.
MK: It's my birthday.
EM: How can you be born today if you were here yesterday!?
MK: Ellie, I've had over 40 birthdays.
EM: Is it true? Do you feed the babies to the dinosaurs?
MK: Ellie, haven't you learned by now that Bear is a bit ... untrustworthy?
EM: You say that but whenever he says, "Whap me again and you'll be sorry," I whap him again and I AM sorry!
MK: Did he tell you the truth when he told you you were a dolphin and could swim in the toilet?
EM: Well, no.
MK: And did we get you from the circus geek show?
EM: No.
{Pause}
EM: So it's not true that you got Daddy from the flea market?

MK: WHAT?!
EM: I told Bear it didn't make sense that you'd go to a market for fleas. And how can the fleas sell a person that could just step on them?
MK: Ugh.
EM: Is it true that Daddy performed in the flea circus?
MK: Where is Mr. Smarty Pants?
EM: Who?
MK: BEAR!
EM: Oh. Last time I saw him ...
{Pause}
EM: Err ... I don't know where he is.
MK: What was he doing?
EM: You'll be mad.
MK: But not at you.
EM: Well, see, he was phoning the local bakery to find out if they do crab cakes big enough for a tortie to jump out of. He said it was for your birth day.
MK: BIRTHDAY!
EM: That's what I said!
MK: Never mind. Where's he going to get a tortie?
BC: {sauntering into the room} What up?
MK: Bear ...
BC: Good. Whatever. If the doorbell rings, it's for me.
MK: Bear, did you tell Ellie I was giving birth today and giving the baby to the dinosaurs?
BC: No speako Englaish!
MK: You no speako truthio!
EM: I hate it when you all talk in different languages! I can't understand what you're saying!
BC: Do you really understand what we're saying when we speak English?
EM: Well, not always ...
BC: So where are the presents?

MK: What presents?
BC: For your birthday!
MK: There aren't any.
BC: WHAT?!? I have to wait until Christmas for my bow fix?
EM: If he gets the bows, I get the wrapping paper!
MK: One special day at a time ...
BC: But seriously? No presents? HOW RUDE! I deserve pre ...
{Pause}
BC: Err ... Momma deserves presents?
MK: Good catch.
BC: Tasty whole chickens, a bazooka, maybe a tank ...
MK: How nice of you to think of exactly the things I want for my birthday.
EM: Wait ... I thought those were the things Bear wants?
BC: SHE WAS BEING SARCASTIC!
EM: So she's not Momma?
BC: NO! She's Momma! And because she's Momma ... she's sarcastic!
EM: So sarcattic is her middle name?
BC: SAR-CAS-TIC!
EM: That's what I said!
MK: The party has started.
EM: REALLY?! Where is everyone?
BC: She's being ... oh, never mind!
{Pause}
BC: OH! Momma! Since taking care of me is your gift, you can stick a bow on me!
EM: Err ... I saw the last time something got stuck on you and it wasn't pretty.
BC: Well, I didn't mean LITERALLY.
{Pause}
BC: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Momma! You get to share your life with me for another year!
EM: OH! What about me? Do I get to share my life with you?
MK: Of course!
EM: I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to Bear!
BC: It's not your birthday.
EM: Awww.

BC: What did you get Momma, Smellie?
EM: Err ... I didn't get you anything. Well, except for that stinky poop in the litter box.
BC: Oh! That reminds me! I have a well-formulated hairball to bestow upon ...
MK: It's okay. I'll take birthday cuddles.
EM: REALLY?!
MK: Of course!
EM: Cuddling with me is a gift to you? I thought you cuddled with me because I liked it.
BC: Barf.
MK: I like to cuddle with both my cats.
BC: But not at the same time. I have standards.
EM: That's one word for it.
BC: So how old are you, Momma?
EM: Eighty?
BC: One hundred and forty?
MK: You sure know how to make a girl feel special.
BC: You noticed? We underestimated you age to make you feel better.
MK: Great.
BC: Did you know Momma was alive when the dinosaurs ruled the earth?
EM: REALLY?!? Were they scary?
MK: No. Though the fire-breathing dragon was a bit spooky.
EM: WHOA!
MK: My first birthday cake was baked in a dragon's breath.
EM: REALLY?! It didn't have dragon slobber on it?

MK: No.
EM: That's cool!
BC: Maybe the dragons can teach Smellie how to eat kibble without slobbering on it. Thank goodness Smellie's breath isn't used to cook anything. NASTY!
EM: Do you EVER shut up?
BC: Look who's talking!
EM: HA! I can't because there aren't any mirrors out here!
BC: {mumbling} Lucky you.
EM: Momma, did you live in a cave?
MK: No. Caves weren't discovered yet.
EM: WHOOOOOA.
BC: Was it before the sun was born?
EM: Momma's older than the sun?
MK: Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me.
EM: Is the baby coming?
{THUNK!}
EM: Momma! Momma! Are you okay? When you hit your head against the wall like that it looked like it hurt!
MK: Not half as much as the preceding conversation.
BC: Whoa! There's a flat mark on your forehead now! Cool! Do it again! Maybe this time around the area of that huge nose of yours?
EM: I like Momma's nose! If it was any smaller, I couldn't bite it. But I guess I could always bite her ear.
MK: You could always just NOT bite me.
BC: What fun is that?
EM: I bite Momma because I love her!

BC: So do I!
MK: Lucky me!
BC: Is anything older than you?
MK: Hmmm ... you know who IS older than me?
BC: Jesus?
EM: The Loch Ness Monster?
MK: I should know better than to ask a question.
EM: Who?
MK: The Boy! He's FIVE years older than me.
EM: WHOA!
MK: You know what else?
EM: WHAT?!
MK: And HIS birthday is Friday!
EM: He has a birth day and babies too?
MK: I quit. I quit! I quit!
{The doorbell rings}
BC: OH! It's for me! It's for me!
MK: So help me ... if there is a gigantic crab cake on our front porch ...
BC: FREAKY! It's like she can see the future ...
MK: Oh! A package!
BC: WHAT?!?! Where's my crab cake?!
EM: Maybe the tortie ate it.
BC: HOW RUDE!

Momma's presents:
Momma Kat can be a bit ... frustrating. Over the years, she's honed the ability to make up stories and sell them well to even the most discriminating of people. You might remember earlier this year when The Boy got up in the morning and asked where Bear was and Momma put on a first-class show of pretending she'd forgotten him outside. When she gets really lucky, the cats play along - as Bear did in this case by sneaking up behind The Boy. This year, The Boy's birthday presents for Momma were delivered while he was at work. He insisted she open them and she gave him a bit of a hard time. The dialogue picks up after Momma opened her first present (a cat sweatshirt) and was approaching the second one. I spent quite a bit of time trying to make the screenshots easier to read, but I will include the text and pictures below each screenshot just in case it's not readable for you.

The Boy: I figure you can wear your cat shirt while you pet your cat and write about cats and dream of being a cat.
MK: Oh! A blender!
The Boy: What???
MK: I missed the second package that didn't fit in between the doors. It's an [brand name] blender!
The Boy: No, really?
MK: The packing slip says so. Big box?
The Boy: Nope. It's not supposed to be.
MK: I don't know! You didn't get me a blender?
The Boy: NO! I got you something a lot smaller!
MK: A mini-blender?
The Boy: NO! You're messing with me.

MK: No. I'm not. Model number BLSTFG-C00-000.
The Boy: Then why do we have blender?
MK: Because clearly you ordered one!
The Boy: No, I didn't! I ordered you something much smaller!
MK: It's right here!
The Boy: They actually delivered a BLENDER??
MK: Isn't that what I said?
The Boy: Yeah. I'm p!$$ed!
MK: IT'S A BLENDER!
The Boy: We got someone else's blender!
MK: Wait ... so I can't use it to make the cat's smoothies?

The Boy: And they got your diamond ring!
MK: Tuna smoothies?
The Boy: Nope!
MK: I found a recipe!
The Boy: Groan. I'm going to text [retailer] when I get home if the other gift is not in the mail. I'm seriously ticked off!
MK: But I have to give back the blender?
The Boy: Yes.
MK: Ellie wants her tuna smoothie. https://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Tuna-Jelly-Protein-Shake
The Boy: We already have a blender and the [brand name] brand is crap. That looks truly nasty! Please tell me there is no blender and you are messing with me.

MK: [picture]

The Boy: If they delivered a blender rather than what I bought you, I am highly angry. No, Ellie, you may not have a tuna smoothie! Because the [brand name] blenders are crap and not worth making anything with. Wait, what is the black box on the table?
MK: [picture]

The Boy: You caught her mid-lick of her nose. Now what is that black box on the table? Three words. No. Tuna. Smoothie. What is that black box on the table???
MK: [picture]

MK: Yes, I like the cat pendant. Thank you. But Ellie's mad at you now.
The Boy: I like Ellie's look there. That's funny. Is it pretty and is there a blender?
MK: Yes. It's pretty. And there is no blender. But I laughed so hard I cried and Bear came out to see what all the commotion was.

MK: But I laughed so hard I cried and Bear came out to see what all the commotion was. [picture]

MK: Now Ellie's licking the label of the envelope.
The Boy: Laughed at what? Ellie, stop that! I posted that picture to Facebook.
MK: Isn't Bear adorable?
The Boy: No.

The Boy's Facebook post:

Back to the dialogue at home ...

BC: What's going on? Oh! Did you get presents?

MK: I already opened what The Boy gave me.BC: WHAT?! And I wasn't included?

MK: There weren't bows or paper. He's at work. But when my presents came, he demanded I open them right away.
EM: Momma got me all excited about tuna smoothies and then The Boy Formerly Known as Daddy broke the news that he hadn't gotten Momma a blender.
BC: Tuna smoothies? That sounds nasty.
EM: So do your farts, but we put up with them.

Pictures of the presents (Ellie excluded):

All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com.

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