The lap of luxury

October 15, 2019

We're BAAAAACK! And ~~better~~ ... err ... crazier than ever! What did Momma do for the past week when only the sound of crickets was heard on our blog? Plus, Ellie becomes obsessed with the lap of luxury and Bear and The Boy end up in the doghouse.

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: You changed the password for my blog!
MK: No, I didn't!
BC: Phht. Yeah, you did.
MK: You don't even know the password!
BC: You changed it!
MK: NO! It's been 7y30 ...
BC: YES?
MK: Nice try.
BC: RATS!
MK: What do you want to use the computer for?
BC: This is entirely hypothetical ... but if a cat wanted to sell his sister online, he would do that where?
MK: He'd sell his sister from groundedforlife DOT com.
BC: REALLY?! I've never heard of that ...
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... VERY funny.
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm ... is there a sellyourkitty DOT com?
EM: I think I saw a sellyourpussy DOT com.
MK: WHAT?!? Where?!?
EM: Err ... if I tell you, will you promise I won't get in trouble?
MK: Okay.
EM: Daddy ...
BC: OH! He should be grounded too!

MK: Bear, you're on your own.
BC: But I want to know the blog password!
EM: I know the password!
MK: ELLIE!
EM: Uh oh. I can't tell you because then Momma would be mad.
BC: SHE knows your password and I don't?! I'm calling my lawyer!
EM: {whispering} Err ... she fired you yesterday.
BC: Phht. She didn't fire ME ... I fired HER.
{Ellie rolls her eyes}
BC: Smellie, can you come to my office?
EM: {looking around} ME?!
BC: YES!
EM: I'm not sure we both fit in the litter box.
BC: I know! I said "come TO my office," NOT "come IN my office." Don't you funk the litter box up enough?
EM: That's not very ...
BC: Hold on a minute ... I have to get ...
EM: You have a notebook stored behind the litter box?
BC: And my pen ...
EM: Holy cow nuts, how many pens do you have in there? I think I know where all Momma's missing pens went.
BC: Hey. I don't knock your creative process.
EM: What else do you have back there? Any tuna?
BC: Oh, wait. You don't have any creativity.
EM: HEY, NOW!
BC: I have a favor to ask my favorite sister.

EM: I thought I was your only sister?!
BC: Same difference.
EM: Err ... not really. But okay.
BC: Momma's password ...
EM: I'm not going to tell you what her password is!
BC: No! No! That's fine! I don't think you should tell me the password. Maybe just give me a hint?
EM: Like what?
BC: Like the last twelve characters.
EM: Umm ...
BC: I wouldn't be able to use the password because I'd still need the first four characters.
EM: I don't know ...
BC: Come on!
EM: Fine. U ...
BC: Uh huh. Uh huh.
EM: ... R ...
BC: R ... okay.
EM: ... at sign ...
BC: Yeah.
EM: ... number sign ...
BC: Uh huh. Uh huh.
EM: ... the number one ...
BC: OH! This is complex! Numbers, letters AND special characters.

EM: ... D ...
BC: Okay.
EM: ... U ...
BC: Got it.
EM: ... M ...
BC: {writing furiosly} Uh huh. Uh huh.
EM: ... B ...
BC: Yep.
EM: ... at sign ...
BC: Okay.
EM: ... dollar sign ...
BC: Oh. That's my favorite!
EM: ... dollar sign.
BC: Wait! Let me repeat that back to you ... U - R - at sign - number sign - one - D - U - M - B - at sign - dollar sign - dollar sign. Is that right?
EM: Yep!
BC: I can't wait to try this! {looking over the written characters} UR@#1DUMB@$$.
{Ellie giggles}
BC: {reading over the characters again} Wait a ...
{Pause}
BC: Ha. Ha. We'll see who laughs last.

{Pause as Bear hears Momma laughing too}
BC: Haha. More fodder for the litter box.
EM: As if you ever use the fodder to cover your business.
BC: I'm the alpha cat! I boldly claim what is mine.
EM: Phht. One whiff and we all know what's yours.
BC: I consider that success. As long as Momma gets the message.
EM: Message? Why would you need to tell Momma that you're the alpha cat?
BC: That isn't the message.
EM: Wait ... what?
BC: I leave coded messages in my poop for Momma.
EM: Are you sure that's not a medical problem? I can call the vet. Heck. I'll drive you myself!
BC: {completely ignoring his sister} About half the time, The Boy scoops my poop before Momma gets to it, so I have to reformulate and poop again.
EM: I can see why Momma doesn't want you writing our blog.
BC: Phht. Poop messages are the only secure method of communication with you and The Boy around.
EM: Like what kind of ...
{Pause}
EM: Never mind. I don't want to know.
BC: I wouldn't tell you anyway!
{Pause as Bear thinks}
BC: Momma! Speaking of our blog, did you post on my blog again without my permission?
MK: What?
BC: You didn't ask me to approve any posts for last week. What lies are you spreading about your sweet innocent cuddly kitty cat on my blog?
EM: LIES!? Who's lying about me?! I'll teach them a lesson! And I mean business!

BC: Not YOU, you fourth-wit!
EM: Why aren't I the first wit? Who's the first wit, the second wit, and the third wit?
BC: WHAT?
EM: You said I'm the fourth-wit!
BC: ONE FOURTH wit.
EM: Wait. I'm first wit or fourth wit?
BC: One fourth! A fraction!
EM: You know I don't like to talk politics.
BC: WHA?! OH, NEVER MIND! When I referred to a sweet innocent cuddly kitty cat, I was talking about me!
EM: Is it opposite day?
BC: NO!
EM: YOU?!? Sweet?! Hahahaha. Innocent? Hahahahahahaha {snort}. Cuddly? Ha ...
BC: I get your point.
MK: You know that thing where parents say, "I hope you have a child like you when you grow up and then you'll understand what it's like?" That's what Ellie's doing right now - without meaning to.
EM: DADDY?! Bear's my Daddy?
BC: I swear ...
MK: Ellie gives you a taste of your own medicine!
EM: Wait ... what? I thought you gave him his triple fishy flavored medicine?
BC: That's it! You are too stupid to live, you spine-less dimwitted ... err ... twit!
MK: Bear, I didn't write any posts on our blog.
BC: WHAT?! WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
MK: People stuff.
BC: What PEOPLE STUFF?

MK: You tell me I'm not allowed to ask what cat stuff entails ...
BC: Well, YEAH! "Cat stuff" isn't within a human's purview, but "people stuff" is within a cat's purview.
MK: That sounds a little unfair.
BC: Phht! I'm a CAT! Who said anything about FAIR!?
EM: He's right, Momma! Cat stuff is only for cats.
BC: So what have you been doing for the past week? From where I sit, you've spent the last week sleeping and playing games on the computer - and NOT working on our blog.
MK: Err ...
BC: Sheesh. The life of a human. SO HARD!
MK: WHAT?!? I feed you two, scoop your litter, buy your supplies, take you to the vet ... HOW'S THAT THE LAP OF LUXURY?
EM: The LAP of LUXURY? Sounds like my kind of place.
BC: FOCUS!
EM: I AM!
BC: Focus on what Momma's doing - forget the lap of luxury!
EM: Well, it can't hurt ...
BC: Momma, you're FIRED! I give you ONE job!
EM: I think setting Momma on fire is a little extreme.
MK: ONE job?
EM: Err ... Momma's right ... you give her like ten jobs.
BC: Because I know that she'll only do one of them right.
MK: Bear, I was sick and just didn't feel good.
BC: You were well enough to play endless games of ...
MK: BEAR! I wasn't feeling funny.
EM: But you said you were sick! Don't you feel funny when you're sick?
MK: No! I was feeling bad and not like myself. But I also wasn't feeling funny enough to write a post.
BC: That's because you AREN'T funny! That's why you have me!

The Boy: {walking into the room} No. That's why she has me.
BC: Did anyone ask you?
The Boy: No.
BC: You've reached Bear Cat. I don't care if you leave me a message because I won't listen to it.
EM: BEAR!
BC: Wha ... RATS!
{Pause}
BC: BEEP!
MK: So sellyourpussy DOT com?
The Boy: You've reached The Boy, I have to go to work so I can't get your message. BEEP!
EM: But you're right here, Daddy!
MK: Hahahaha.
The Boy: I was looking at sellyourpussyCAT DOT com. I want a ginger kitty.
BC: If you don't watch it, a part of your body will be ginger when Momma gets through with you.
The Boy: Going to work!
BC: That's right! Run away with your tail between your legs!
EM: He must've learned that from you, Bear.
{Silence}
BC: Oh, SHUT UP!
EM: Umm ... this lap of luxury? Where would a cat find that?
BC: Up Momma's ...
MK: BEAR! You're grounded!
BC: But I didn't do anything!
MK: Uh huh.
BC: RATS! What else is new?
EM: Now, this lap of luxury, are there any jerky cats like Bear there?

NOTE: Adopt, not shop! We would not "shop" for cats on the internet if the cats are treated only as inventory. We firmly believe in rescue and going to a local shelter to find your new best friend - though alternatively, there are some great websites dedicated to rescue cats needing homes. The websites mentioned in this post are fabrications of my imagination. We do not endorse or suggest these are reputable pages and highly discourage you from attempting to find out.

All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com.

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