Bear Cat: The Boob

Momma's trying to sleep, but Bear has other plans. Bear's organizing a show of our household's greatest talents. Unfortunately, the show he and Ellie are waiting for ends before it even begins because Bear gets in a fight with his manager.

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: Momma!
{tap}
MK: STOP TAPPING MY EYELID WHEN IT'S CLOSED! Your claws are too long - but I'll take care of that later. I'm trying to sleep.
BC: You should try harder.
MK: You mean by locking you out of the room?
BC: {GASP!} That's not something you should EVER joke about! You know I need to be in here with you to protect you from ...
MK: Tasty whole chickens?
BC: Exactly! Then again, if there were tasty whole chickens in here, they'd need protection from me!
MK: From under the bed?
BC: What?!?!

MK: Because the last time you thought you heard a tasty whole chicken ...
BC: SHHHHH! We agreed we'd never speak of that again!
MK: Were you SCARED? Of a CHICKEN?
BC: NO!
MK: Were YOU a chicken?
BC: Oh, shut up.
MK: Says the cat that's annoying me.
BC: It's time for the show.
MK: What show? I don't care to see your butt at the moment.
BC: THE show.
MK: Please tell me Ellie isn't pole dancing again.
BC: No. Her pole dancing shows are the consummate example of what one sees that one will never forget.
{Pause}
BC: Though it WAS funny that one time she fell off the cat tree while attending to her pole. I gave her a tip for that one!
MK: A tip?
BC: To make her stop.
MK: But you don't have any money.
BC: It wasn't THAT kind of tip. It was the kind of tip that says knock it off or you'll regret it.
MK: Poor Ellie.
BC: Poor ELLIE?!?! I have images in my brain that I will never get rid of!
The Boy: {walking into the room} That's not pole dancing!
BC: You would know.

The Boy: She's a lady ...
{Pause}
The Boy: Wait ... WHAT?!
{Pause}
The Boy: How ... {talking to Kat} How does he know about that?
BC: Momma tells me everything.
The Boy: {face turning white} Err ... EVERYTHING?
{Pause}
The Boy: Like what?
BC: You go first and tell me something Momma might have told me and then I'll tell you whether she did.
The Boy: Wait a ...
MK: TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!!!! Can you two take this somewhere else?
The Boy: Why would you tell him about ...
BC: Phht. She tells me everything. Like all of the sixteen hundred and eighty-four times you broke up with her.
The Boy: I didn't break up with her that many times!
{Pause}
The Boy: SO WHAT?! What else did she tell you?
MK: Can you two do this somewhere else? I need to sleep!
The Boy: You've been in bed for ten hours already!
MK: And Bear's been tapping me on the eyelid for four.
BC: It's time for the show!
The Boy: What show?
BC: THE show. Like you don't know!

{Pause}
BC: Hmmm ... while we're on the topic of dirt, is it true you ...
MK: BEAR!
The Boy: You told him about that?
MK: LARRY! Trying to sleep!
The Boy: What did she tell you? It was an accident!
BC: I'm sure.
The Boy: I couldn't have known I'd be ...
{Pause}
The Boy: Wait a minute! She DIDN'T tell you and you're trying to trick me into telling you.
BC: You're so smart! My tricks never work on such a smart guy like you!
MK: Take his temperature.
The Boy: HA! You thought you'd trick me into admitting ... {mumbling}.
BC: AHA!
The Boy: Aha what?
BC: {mumbling}.
The Boy: How did you know?
BC: A ginormous birdy told me.

The Boy: Wait a ... I told you! You didn't know!
EM: {walking into the room} Bear, do I have time for a snack before the show?
MK: Oh, for PETE'S SAKE!
EM: No. Technically the show is for my sake. I even found some coins in the couch to stuff in Bear's handsome stripe-y pants.
BC: I also take checks and credit.
EM: Momma? Could I borrow your credit card?
MK: Oh, for the LOVE! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!
EM: Why would you want to sleep through Bear-a-palooza?
MK: Excuse me?
{Pause}
MK: Never mind. I don't want to know! I want to sleep!
EM: Bear said that if we don't like the show, we can get our money back.
MK: Wait ... wait ... MONEY??! You PAID to see Bear's show?
BC: BEAR-A-PALOOZA!
EM: No. I made a deal with him that my admission charge would equal the commission on your and Daddy's tickets.
MK: This has gone on long enough!
EM: I agree! I need a snack before the show.
BC: Don't worry. I'll hook you up during the show. They'll be concessions.

EM: Like my favorite tuna snacks?
BC: Of course!
EM: COOL! This show gets better and better.
{Pause}
EM: Awww. But I don't have any money!
BC: Don't worry. I'll put it on The Boy's credit card like the admission price for him and Momma.
The Boy: What?!?
MK: Hahahaha. I will attend the show after all, if The Boy's buying!
The Boy: WHAT?!? No wait! Where did you get my credit card?
BC: Phht. It doesn't matter WHERE one gets a credit card, only how you use it.
{Momma snickers}
The Boy: {looking at Momma} YOU! He's only taking MY credit card because you have yours locked up!
MK: I learn quickly.
EM: Hurry up! Hurry up! I can't wait until the "I'm too sexy" song! That one's my favorite! Take it off!!! Take it ALL off!
BC: Patience!
EM: Sorry. I was just practicing.
The Boy: Have you noticed that Bear's mean to her all the time and yet she adores him? It's like he's her idol or something.
EM: He's so dreamy! Especially up on stage.
BC: The chicks dig me!
EM: Well, that doesn't make sense.

BC: WHAT?!?! Are you saying I'm not HANDSOME?
EM: Of course not! I'm just not sure why chicks would wield a shovel. And shoveling a cat?! That just sounds dangerous!
{Silence}
MK: So Bear's show ...
EM: BEAR-A-PALOOZA!
MK: Right. Who are the acts in Bear-a-palooza?
The Boy: Well, THAT'S a stupid ...
EM: Featuring B-Cube, The Great Bear Cat, and Naughty by Legislature!
BC: NO! That's Haughty by Nature!
The Boy: I preferred Naughty by Legislature!
BC: Right. Like your opinion matters.
The Boy: All the palooza, without the lol.
BC: You may also call it a Holla-palooza. Holla!
The Boy: That's not exactly what I'd call it.
BC: I excuse you. But I must use the little boy's box before I go on.
EM: You haven't been a little boy since ... since ... err ... whenever you weren't.
The Boy: We get to see the cat rapper B-Cube and Bear's using the litter box? We're getting quite the crap show!
{Pause}
The Boy: On second thought, we could shorten B-Cube to Boob.
BC: That's brilliant! I like that! I'm a Boob!
EM: As your manager, I agree.
The Boy: Bear pays you to be his manager?
EM: Of course not! I pay HIM to be his manager.
The Boy: That's not how it works!
EM: Maybe for lesser stars ... but I'm a manager of the famous B-Cube.

BC: Just call me Boob.
The Boy: Famous B-Cube? Famous or infamous?
BC: It's time.
The Boy: Time? Time for what? Time to give my credit card back? Time to quit this boob show? Time to be grounded?
EM: That'd be bad! If you read the flyer, you'd know there's an aerial component to the show. If he's grounded ...
The Boy: Now I've heard it all.
EM: Besides, you already paid extra for that part. No refunds.
The Boy: EXTRA?! I shouldn't have paid at all!
MK: Wait ... flyer? I never saw any flyer!
BC: I TOLD you she doesn't pay attention! Haven't you noticed the Momma-sized dent in the hall?
EM: Which one?
BC: EXACTLY! Put up an announcement you said ...
MK: Bear, you put up so many signs, I don't see them anymore. It's just better that way.
BC: You would see a "No boys allowed" sign! Or a "No Mommas allowed" sign.
The Boy: That's ironic. The flyers for the crap show can be used at filler for the litter box.
EM: Boob branded toilet paper! I like it!
{Pause}
BC: {AHEM!}
The Boy: What?
BC: {AHEM!!!!!!!!!!!} SMELLIE! The lights!
The Boy: The Boob in concert!
EM: SHHHHHH! I'm also security. Don't make me make you leave.
The Boy: What are you going to do? Kick me out?
EM: If you disturb the talent ...

The Boy: Talent isn't the word I'd use.
BC: SMELLIE! THE LIGHTS!
EM: I can't reach the switch!
BC: Do I have to do everything myself?
EM: I gave you a massage! I got treats for you! And The Boy's credit card! I'm a good manager!
BC: Good help is so hard to find.
EM: Listen here, you little ...
MK: Uh oh.
The Boy: She's gonna blow!!!! RUN!
BC: What about the show?!? I don't give refunds!
EM: Calling you an idiot is an insult to stupid people.
BC: You're a good manager?
EM: And chicks dig you? The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's butt.
BC: Well, that was a little cold ... {seeing Ellie's face} ... err ... but deserved.
EM: Speaking of little boys, you're so large, you could sell shade!

BC: I ... HWK ... HWWK ... HAWK ... sorry!

MK: {in the other room with The Boy }Wow. He apologized.

The Boy: And hawked up a furball in the process. We did get a show after all! And I don't mind paying for it either!

MK: Miss Ellie is super sweet, beyond patient, and doesn't have a mean bone in her body ...

The Boy: But you tick her off ...

EM: I’m jealous of people who don’t know you!

BC: Err ... I guess you don't want to see the show anymore? I even have new verses of the "I'm too sexy" song for you and The Boy!

EM: Don't hurt yourself trying to think. If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.

MK: I think Bear might need some ...

EM: You're so dumb that you got hit by a parked car!

MK: On second thought ... we might be safer back here.

The Boy: She's saved these up for a while! Too bad we don't have popcorn.

MK: You forget the mini-microwave and mini-fridge in my office.

The Boy: I love that walk-in closet. And you are a genius.

MK: As I said before, I learn quickly and Bear's always kept me on my toes.

The Boy: Sounds like Ellie's about to string Bear up by his!

EM: Good help is hard to find?!? Oh, yeah? I'd say so are good employers - but I PAY you to work for you!

BC: And you call me stupid.

EM: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

{Silence}

BC: I hear Momma calling!

EM: That's right! Run away! Don't forget to tuck your tail between your legs!

All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.

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