BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
BC: Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun dun dun dun ... DUN DAH dun de dun.
EM: Ummm ... Momma? What's Bear doing?
MK: SHHHHHHHH!
EM: But ...
MK: Every night about this time he has the crazies and goes slinking around like a bad-@$$ spy.
EM: Double-O-Dumb@$$? But what's he DOING?
MK: He's staking out the house for his wet food treat. I can tell the time precisely when he does this.
EM: Can I try it? How does it go again?
BC: {in his own world} Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun dun dun dun ... DUN DAH dun de dun.
EM: OH! I think I got it! Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb. Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb. DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB!
MK: Hahahaha. That sounds about right.
EM: Bear?
MK: NO! If he knows you see him he'll start over again! Just pretend he's not here.
EM: I've had plenty of practice. I do that all day long.
The Boy: {walking into the room} Why is Bear slinking around and humming the James Bond theme?
MK: SHHHHHH!
EM: Pretend you can't see him.
The Boy: But I can't! He's not very slick. And he's a little ... hard to miss. When I walked out here, his entire backside was hanging out from under the curtain!
EM: Err ... well, I know how easy that can happen. You can't really hold it against him ... it happens to me all the time.
The Boy: Right.
MK: He's stalking around for any hint that his wet food treat is coming. SHHHH! GO!
The Boy: GO? Go where? I LIVE here!
MK: SHHHHHHHHH!
The Boy: You indulge that stupid cat more than you have to.
EM: She's a smart Momma. You've heard the happy wife, happy life concept? Well, it's especially true that a happy cat means a happy life. You know what they say.
The Boy: Who?
EM: THEM.
The Boy: Who? About what?
EM: Minimize strife, happy life. Pick your battles!
The Boy: I'm not going to be manipulated by a piece of ...
BC: FREEZE! Make my day, dumbnuts!
The Boy: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BC: Didn't know I was here ... huh? I got skillz. I got power. I'm a bad-@$$ mother-meower who doesn't take crap from no one!
EM: Does No One have a litter box? Because that could be the reason.
BC: WHAT?
EM: Never mind.
BC: {staring at Momma from his spot on the kitchen table} Hi, Momma.
MK: Oh. Hi, Bear.
The Boy: I have someplace to be ...
BC: You mean ...
MK: BEAR! Don't say it.
BC: How did you know what I was going to ...
MK: Say?
EM: WHOA.
BC: Umm ...
{Pause}
BC: {AHEM!} {AHEM!}
MK: Are you okay?
BC: How nice of you to notice.
MK: Notice what?
BC: Tick tock tick tock.
MK: Bear, I don't have time for riddles.
BC: You have time for cookies.
MK: I'm eating them WHILE I work.
BC: It must be nice to have food.
MK: Ah.
BC: My wet food treat time was like five hundred hours ago and my physique is wasting away with my patience.
EM: Really? Because you could stand to lose a little more ...
MK: You could always eat some kibble.
BC: Don't tell me the bowls are full. After Smellie's done ...
MK: Come on, Bear. She doesn't eat more than you do.
BC: Then she's starving too!
EM: I am? OH NO!
MK: NO! No one is starving!
BC: YES, I am!
MK: I can walk back there and I bet the bowls are both more than 90% full.
BC: Oh. So you have time to walk back to our kibble bowls, but you don't have time to feed us our wet food treat?
EM: YEAH!
BC: We should get worker's compensation.
MK: You don't work.
BC: Just because you don't appreciate my work doesn't mean that it is not work.
MK: You sleep sixteen hours a day!
BC: Exactly! I'm exhausted too! Around here, between Smellie, the paw-parazzi, and Mr. Can't Keep His Hands to Himself - there's no peace.
MK: Bear, I'm trying to finish this blog post!
BC: I'm trying to make my 11:17 nap!
MK: So take an 11:47 nap!
EM: {GASP}!
BC: Oh, no she didn't.
EM: SHE DID! She DEFINITELY did!
BC: I have a very strict routine. I take even thirty more seconds in the litter box and my day is RUINED!
EM: Which means MY day is ruined because he beats me up.
MK: You can wait fifteen minutes for your wet food treat.
BC: Yeah. Why don't you wait fifteen minutes for your cookies?
MK: Because I'm the boss.
BC: Of the No-Life people? The village idiots? THE BOY? Yeah. Talk about low-hanging fruit!
EM: I can't believe Momma really thinks she's the boss of us.
BC: I know! She woke me up last night when I napped on my bed! She thought SHE should have that spot when I was clearly there first!
{Silence}
BC: Momma?
EM: MOMMA?!?!
MK: I'm ignoring you both until I get my work done.
EM: Awww. That's fair.
BC: WHAT?!?! FAIR?!?! Fair to HER. We're still starving!
EM: Well, to be honest, I stopped at the food bowl on the way out here.
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I must decide how to make Momma pay ... Bear Cat Kat does not take this kind of disrespect.
EM: Err ... what kind of disrespect do you take?
BC: Oh, shut up! Thinking ... OH! I know!
MK and EM at the same time: Uh oh.
BC: Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun dun dun dun ... DUN DAH dun de dun.
EM: He's on repeat.
BC: Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun ...
The Boy: {from the other room} OWWWW! What the *@^*! That &#*@ing hurt!
BC: {from the other room} The name's Kat. Bear Cat Kat.
EM: That probably sounded better in his head.
MK: Like most stuff that comes out of his mouth.
EM: Well, yeah. Other than the barf.
The Boy: {from the other room} KAT! Do something! Bear's got me cornered in the bedroom.
MK: Oh, for the love ...
EM: Aren't you going to help Daddy?
MK: He's a big boy.
EM: So's Bear. If you know what I mean.
The Boy: {from the other room} Why can't you be a normal cat!?
BC: There's no such thing. Besides, I sleep most of the day and spend the rest of my time planning to take over the world and impose my will on humanity.
The Boy: You have a point, but I need to get in bed. I have to work tomorrow.
BC: {taking off} Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun dun dun dun ... Dah dun dun dun dun ... DUN DAH dun de dun.
The Boy: He's an odd duck. Err ... shark. Cat. Spy. Pain in the behind ...
BC: Chop chop, Momma! now my wet food treat is 347 hours late.
MK: Earlier you said it was 500 hours late ... now 347?
BC: {jumping on the table} I don't concern myself with details. So feed me.
MK: Just a couple more minutes ...
BC: No. NOW. Because I said so.
MK: Bear ...
BC: Cat. Cookies. Being ignored. She knows how much I HATE to be ignored. Time for some revenge.
{The sound of licking}
MK: HU ... BEAR! You're licking every single cookie! That's gross!
BC: I was hungry!
MK: Oh, no you don't. You had no intention of eating the cookies. You're just hissed off that I made you wait for your wet food treat.
EM: Well, to be honest, we wait all day for our wet food ...
{Bear's still licking the cookies}
MK: Get away from there!
BC: Then get away from your computer. I warned you!
MK: {mumbling to herself} LICKS all the cookies in the bag! What a jerk. All because he had to wait ...
{Momma gets up, feeds the cats their wet food treats}
{While Momma takes care of some other tasks, Bear types furiously on the computer}
BC: Finally! My project is complete!
{Pause}
BC: And just in time too! Here comes Momma.
MK: WHAT THE?!?!
{Pause}
MK: BEAR!
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: You didn't type up the twelve steps for people with cats?
BC: Oh. That. Now repeat after me ... I, Momma Kat ...
MK: Forget it!
BC: NO! You have to introduce yourself and say you're a doubt-a-cat-aholic!
MK: A WHAT?!?
BC: Repeat after me ... I, Momma Kat, take you ...
EM: Err ...
BC: No wait. Wrong one.
{Pause}
BC: In sickness and health, for richer or ...
EM: Ummm ...
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: By the power vested in me ...
EM: My name is ...
BC: @*&! I KNOW! I don't need the little pipsqueak to feed me lines!
{Pause}
BC: Okay for real this time! Repeat after me: My name is Momma Kat and I'm a doubt-a-cat-aholic ...
{Silence}
BC: You can't follow simple instructions from your cat? YOU JUST PROVED MY POINT!
EM: Hmmm ... she IS a doubt-a-cat-aholic.
MK: There's no such thing!
BC: SEE?!?! Further doubting!
MK: So help me, Bear ... {reading the steps} This is ridiculous!
BC: More doubting!
MK: Bear, you can't accuse someone of ... OH, NEVER MIND.
BC: Watch it. Or Smellie and I will start a group for cats affected by doubt-a-cat-aholics.
MK: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can ... And the wisdom to know the difference.
BC: NOW you're getting with the program!
EM: OOH! I want to be the president of the cats affected by doubt-a-cat-aholics group!
BC: Phht. Yeah, right. You're a girl!
MK: Uh oh. Sounds like Bear's a doubt-a-girl-aholic.
EM: He is! He TOTALLY IS!!!!
BC: You can't use my own terms against me!
MK: What's wrong, Bear? Doubting a girl's thoughts? Proving my point?
BC: THAT MAKES NO SENSE! Girls don't even HAVE thoughts! And you can't prove a point that doesn't exist!
EM: NO! She's right!
BC: Grrr ... I HATE YOU! Your cookies are MUSH! Next time you leave them out, I will lick them until they are a soggy mess.
MK: You stay away from my cookies! And so help me ... if I find barf on my pillow again ...
EM: Haha. She knows all your tricks.
BC: Oh, SHUT UP!
EM: You're a MEAN doubt-a-girl-aholic!
© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.
We all need to take 12 steps closer to the tasty whole chickens Bear!
ReplyDeleteSo true! So true! ~Bear Cat
DeleteShows you how far behind the times Mrs H is, she thought Bear was playing Mission Impossible music. To be a true spy and agent, one really does need a suit, manners and to be kind to ladies—unless they're spies in which case they can get a nasty comeupancein the final scene ;)
ReplyDeleteBear, have you thought where you all fit in character wise in the Bond movies? Momma could be Miss Moneycent and maybe the Boy could be ?
Have a great week
Purrs
ERin
The Boy could be Dr. No. Hahaha. ~Bear Cat
DeleteNumber one is the best! Humans ARE powerless over us! We rule the world! MOL
ReplyDeleteYep. That's just the way it is.
DeleteActually, I was lost after "bad-@$$ mother-meower"!
ReplyDeleteHahaha :)
Deleteguyz....ewe both due look a bit on de leen side; kibble just dont cut it
ReplyDeletedoez it.. if pree parin wet food seemz a bit much, tell MK and de boy ta start
fryin up N freezin perch slicez....thaw out.. pop in de micro.. boom, reddy dinner
N de 12 stepz roolz bee rockin ~ :) ☺☺♥♥
Humans cook food we'd like? ~Bear Cat
DeleteI totally agree with those 12 steps and luckily so does my mum. I've got her well-trained :)
ReplyDeleteWe've got them straight! ~Bear Cat
DeleteMy mom is half way there already! And I think Bear should turn his considerable attention to an indisputable list of how the Cat mom's and dad's are totally and completely under the sway of the family cat(s). That the world is not right if the cat isn't alright. That everything does revolve around the cat in the household... and Bear can provide several examples that would surely fit a description of every set of human Cat Parents.
ReplyDeleteKatie Isabella, you are brilliant! ~Bear Cat
DeleteUm, uh...what kind of meower was that ?
ReplyDeleteMOTHER meower.
DeleteBear, I *hate* wet food...what am I missing?!?!?! And thank you for sending us the Three Times a Tabby cartoon! --Mudpie
ReplyDeleteOur pleasure :)
DeleteWe can't even believe that Momma thought she could resist giving in to your will, Bear. We gave up on that long ago with both dogs and cats! :)
ReplyDeleteErr ... can I come to live with you? ~Bear Cat
DeleteWow, that is a very... complete... and intensive list, BC.
ReplyDeleteThank you ... I think. ~Bear Cat
DeleteJames Bond Theme? I thought it was the JAWS theme :)
ReplyDeleteGreat list!
That's on my list of favorites too ;) ~Bear Cat
DeleteLook out 007.
ReplyDeleteEveryone should take that advice if Bear gets behind the wheel of a super spy car!
DeletePawsome list ! We agree with those 12 points, and will tell our humans to spread the word ! Purrs
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteAMARULA: BEST LIST EVER!!! i always knew there was something wrong with my human and now I finally have the steps that will help the idiot!! Am printing this out now!!
ReplyDeleteWe all know there's no help for Frodo!
DeleteMOL MOL love the 12 step program...too funny once you give up control over a cat life is a bowl of cherries.
ReplyDeleteHugs Cecilia
Or something like that ;)
DeleteLove the doubt-a-holics list!!
ReplyDeleteShoko
Thank you, Shoks!
DeleteThat 12 step list is purrfect. All humans have to read this.
ReplyDeleteWe agree!
DeleteI'd still eat those cookies. A little cat licking wouldn't stop THIS cookie lover!
ReplyDeleteSHHH! It didn't stop my Momma either. She's obsessed ;) ~Bear Cat
DeleteOMC The boy is on the list. Don't nopawdy call us or our furiends stupid cats. Nope, no way, not havin' it. uh huh. Now bear, we're not sure 'bout this latest venture of yours. Purrhaps you should go back to the drawin' board and come up with another plan. At least ya'll got your wet food treat. Some good did come out of all your pacin'. MOL Big hugs
ReplyDeleteLuv ya'
Dezi and Raena
It took long enough to get my food! ~Bear Cat
DeleteBest 12 step program around, Bear. It should be required reading for all humans!
ReplyDeleteThat is true!
DeleteOh, Bear, I heard they're on a search for a new James Bond for the movies. You would make the best 007 EVER! Or maybe they could give you your own special number that would mean you're 10x better than previous Bonds, 'cause you're a pussycat. Purr purr purr.
ReplyDeleteYou're brilliant! I could demand a tasty whole chicken farm in my trailer! I don't know if they'd agree to the bazooka ... my Momma says chickens and bazookas don't really go together neatly. ~Bear Cat
Delete