Duck ... duck ... GOOSE!

March 12, 2019

The Boy's got some good news, Momma's excited by the prospect of petting ducks, and the cats are ... itching for a fight and dragging The Boy and Momma into their own disagreement.

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
EM: Ellie Mae Kat

MK: That's so exciting! Congratulations!
BC: WHAT? What are you congratulating The Boy on? Is he LEAVING? Hopefully? Because he could leave and I'd have my Momma to myself.
EM: HEY!
MK: NO! He's not leaving.
BC: Did he get a clue? Find a brain? Grow a pair? Abduct aliens?
The Boy: I got a new job!
EM: WHAT?!?! Daddy's not going to be my Daddy anymore?
The Boy: What are you talking about?
EM: Your job is to be my Daddy!
BC: Barf.
EM: And being my Daddy means chasing me and scooping my litter box and giving me a lap when I don't want Momma's lap.
BC: You can't be that stupid to not know you just insulted him!
EM: How?
BC: As I said ... you ARE that stupid. You said, "When I don't want Momma's!" That implies Momma's your first choice.
EM: What's so wrong with ...
The Boy: HEY!
EM: You're quitting being my Daddy because I like Momma more?

The Boy: NO! Wait a minute ... you like Momma more than you like me?
BC: DING DING DING, Ding Dong!
EM: So whose Daddy are you now?
BC: The monkey's uncle!
EM: Monkey? What monkey? What uncle? You chose a monkey's uncle over me?
The Boy: I'm still your Daddy!
EM: So you're still going to scoop my litter box and chase me ...
The Boy: And give you a lap when you don't want Momma's lap? You already mentioned that.
EM: But you said you had a new job!
The Boy: Where I go during the day!
EM: You're gone during the day?
{Silence}
BC: D@mn! She really IS that stupid.
EM: Though I guess that makes sense. The litter box jockey is not very prompt during the day. And I spend a lot of the day sleeping and taking care of Momma. At least Momma's the keeper of the food so we won't starve.
The Boy: Your Momma and I were about to talk about taking a trip before I start my new job.
BC: Well, that half works.
The Boy: What?
BC: Instead of Momma, you should take Smellie!
EM: I'd love to go on vacation! Maybe somewhere that has tuna?
The Boy: No. It would be just me and your Momma.
EM: Awwww! And I get left behind AGAIN! With BEAR no less!

BC: At least I know which side of the litter box is the stinky poop side.
EM: I know which side of the litter box is the stinky poop side. I just don't care.
BC: I'm not staying here with HER.
EM: GOOD! I'm not staying here with YOU!
The Boy: Neither of you are going anywhere!
MK: So we'll see the ducks?
BC: DUCKS? What ducks?
EM: Are you cheating on us?
The Boy: One of the hotels we're looking at has a team of ducks.
MK: And I want to pet them!
BC: After twelve years of Miss Grabby Hands, I ALMOST feel sorry for those ducks. They have no idea what she's capable of.
EM: The ducks better not sit on my lap!
BC: What? Didn't you listen? They're leaving us here!
EM: My lap is Momma's lap because I own it.
The Boy: HEY!
BC: Phht. Momma's lap is MY lap.
The Boy: HEY! What am I? Chopped liver?
BC: That might be tasty!
{Pause}
BC: So you are good for something!

EM: My Daddy's good at scooping our litter box, and chasing me around, and as a backup lap.
The Boy: Backup?
{Pause}
The Boy: But Kat, they won't let you pet the ducks!
MK: Then I'll make friends with the ducks.
BC: Better you with her than me. I still haven't lived down her momma-goose honking and flapping her wings ... err ... arms ...
MK: To keep the goslings away from a busy road!
BC: That's what the mother goose is for!
{Pause}
BC: Then again, if I had eleven babies, I wouldn't mind a few getting run over.
MK: BEAR!
BC: I'm kidding!
{Pause}
BC: Mostly.
MK: Then I guess it's good you never fathered kittens.
BC: Excuse me? I'm too bad-@$$ to be a father. I'm like a bad penny. I get around. And no one can keep me in their pockets.
MK: I think it takes a special kind of guy to be a good daddy.
BC: That's RIGHT! I'm masculine and virile and I fathered all kinds of kittens ...

EM: Any of the real kind?
BC: Oh, shut up! And I fathered all kinds of kittens by a lot of chicks!
EM: You got together with a chicken? Isn't that kind of a conflict of interest because of your love for eating tasty whole chickens? Would you eat your own chittens?
BC: I hear an annoying noise ...
EM: Get it? Chittens? A cross of kittens and chicken. Or is that kicken?
BC: The annoying noise is getting louder.
MK: Funny. I remember you running from the other cats when you were homeless. You actually got up close to a female?
BC: Err ... making babies is a powerful motivator.
MK: Uh huh. I saw a female look at you that one time and you took off.
BC: She was sketchy!
The Boy: Phht. Aren't all women?
MK: Oh, REALLY?
The Boy: Err ... except you, honey.
EM: HEY!
The Boy: And you, Ellie.
BC: But there are other ways to father kittens that don't involve getting near ladies.
MK: Are we talking about the same thing? I don't know of any way to father kittens where you don't get up close and personal.
BC: That's not how babies are made!
MK: Oh?
BC: Babies are usually made by rubbing up against each other ...
EM: WHAT? YOU MEAN I COULD BE PREGNANT?

BC: Excuse me?
EM: We rub up on each other all the time! And I rub up on Daddy ... and you rub up on Momma ... there's a lot of baby-making going on around here!
MK: Bear doesn't exactly understand the mechanics.
EM: So I'm not pregnant?
MK: No. You and Bear are both fixed.
EM: You mean I was broken?
BC: Somethings can't be fixed.
MK: Your kitten making parts were removed.
EM: But what if I WANT to get pregnant?
BC: Phht. Yeah. Like anyone would touch you with a ten foot pole.
EM: What does a pole have to do with kitten making?
MK: You don't want to be pregnant. BELIEVE ME.
EM: Have you been pregnant, Momma?
MK: No. I just mean there are enough kitties killed every day in shelters across the country because the shelters don't have room for them.
EM: THAT'S HORRIBLE! Why don't they just build more shelters?
MK: And being a Mom is a huge responsibility.
BC: When you're as virile and masculine as I am ... you just look at chicks and they get pregnant. But let me tell you, kitten support is a *itch.
EM: So I COULD be pregnant? Because Bear gives me dirty looks all the time.
BC: Phht. When I look at you, it's pure disgust at your being a sorry excuse for a cat.

MK: BEAR! That was too far. You crossed a line!
EM: Momma, am I a sorry excuse for a cat?
MK: Not at all. You and Bear just have different ways of being a cat. One isn't any better than any other way. Bear, apologize.
BC: I'm sorry, Momma.
MK: Not to me ...
BC: Do I have to?
EM: So Bear's way of being a cat is being a jerk?
MK: ELLIE!
BC: I'll show you what being a jerk means!
{Pause as Momma thinks up something to say to distract the cats from the brewing cat disagreement}
MK: I really want to make friends with the ducks!
BC: What else is new? Use a fake name and a disguise. I don't want it to get back here that you're fraternizing with ducks. Have you heard what they say about me because of your stint as a momma goose?
MK: They? They WHO?
BC: EVERYONE! They're laughing at me and mocking me!
EM: Like you're sure a facial tissue box is mocking you?
BC: HEY! If you saw the box, you'd understand. Don't listen to me. FINE! But don't come crying to me when the box gets all up in your grill and calls you fat.
EM: YOU get all up in my grill and call me fat.
BC: But I'm not a coward.
EM: I found your spot under the bed.
MK: WHAT?!?!
EM: If you go to the left corner of the bed, there's a little pile of kibble, a few micey, a few items from his secret stash ...
BC: ANY way. Ducks?

EM: And a poster from Viva La Torties magazine with March's centerfolds.
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You don't see me telling Momma about YOUR weaknesses!
EM: Like?
BC: Err ... You don't see me ruining your favorite things!
EM: You've barfed on my scratcher several times!
BC: Err ... you don't see me ruining any of your favorite things - besides the scratcher!
EM: BOTH of my scratchers!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Besides, I get the magazine for the articles! NOT for the centerfolds.
EM: Oh. That makes sense. But you didn't have the articles on a poster. Where are they?
BC: Ummm ...
EM: You barfed on them too, didn't you. If you love it, you must barf on it.
BC: Phht. LOVE has nothing to do with it. More like payback.
MK: Let me see that centerfold poster!
BC: BIG MOUTH!
EM: That's not a nice thing to say about Momma!
BC: I was talking about you!
EM: Oh. In that case, I'll go get the poster for you, Momma.
BC: HEY! Just WAIT until they take their trip!
EM: I'm tired of you lying to me and making me the butt of all your jokes!
BC: Phht. You're ALREADY a huge butt.
EM: I don't like you.
BC: GOOD! Because I don't like you either.
{Ellie leaves and comes back with the poster}
EM: See? Just holding this poster makes me feel dirty!

BC: THAT makes you feel dirty? Not ...

MK: BEAR!

EM: And you might as well know there was a red permanent marker under there. One guess as to who wrote that filth!
MK: Let me see that ... This poster is of Amarula and Mudpie! Do their Moms know about this?

BC: They're both consenting adults! Don't ruin it for me, Momma! Since I can't meet them in person ... err ... catson.

MK: Do you pose for centerfolds?

BC: Phht. OF COURSE NOT. That would make me feel objectified ... and ... exploited!
EM: And who would want to see that? Heck, he lays on his back and lets it all hang out all the time. BELIEVE ME, no one would pay for that.
BC: But you will!
EM: You can't make me!
BC: No. But I can make you pay for the insult.
EM: Oh.
MK: Bear, you can't father kittens and Ellie, you can't be pregnant.
BC: Don't tell me what I can't do!
EM: YEAH!
MK: This might not be the best time for us to take a trip.
BC: Unless you want to be an accessory ...
The Boy: The cats ruin another ...
EM: I didn't ruin anything! It was Bear!
BC: Oh, right. Because you don't want to admit that YOU ruined it!
The Boy: Well, actually ... I know your Momma and I think she'd try to pet the ducks to the extent that she'd end up in jail. I can't take her anywhere!
MK: EXCUSE ME?
The Boy: You can't be trusted around animals.
MK: I'm sorry for loving animals!
BC: Oh! This is getting good!

All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.

Featured posts:

If you missed Bear's flow chart on the cover/no cover decision and the stinky poop side of the litter box: Poopetiquette.
If you missed the episode of Momma pretending to be a momma goose and herding goslings away from a busy road: Momma Kat: tennis pro and goose herder extraordinaire.
Bear's attacked quite a few household items he insisted were mocking him. One of the recent examples involves a facial tissue box: Momma visits a tasty whole chicken farm.
Bear's barf game is well known ... His Royal Beariness.