Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 5

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and perpetrating crimes exacerbated by proximity and amount of time spent together. This series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household.

You may find the first installment of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series here: Crimes and Misdemeanors.
The second episode may be found here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 2.
And the third episode in the series may be found here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 3.
The fourth episode may be read here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 4.

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: Where's Daddy? I thought he was home!
MK: He's sleeping. He drove for sixteen hours straight - the last couple hours in icy conditions.
BC: {from down the hall - to the tune of Paul Simon's song} Slip slidin’ away.
Slip slidin’ away.
You know the nearer your destination,
The more you’re slip slidin’ away.
MK: Bear, it's NOT funny.
BC: You're right. If something happened to him Smellie and my lives would be miserable like while The Boy was gone on this trip. NOT funny any all. We should demand hazard pay!
EM: But he didn't chase me!
MK: He was tired.
BC: He's home? I didn't see a big growling ogre ... well, besides Momma.
{Bear gets up from his napping and spot and notices the bedroom door is closed}
BC: {from down that hallway} WHY IS THIS DOOR CLOSED?

MK: BEAR! Shhhh! The Boy's sleeping!
BC: With tasty whole chickens?
EM: SCANDAL!
MK: Who said anything about ...
BC: {THUNK!} LET. {THUNK!} ME. {THUNK!} I KNOW YOU HAVE {THUNK!} TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN IN THERE! {THUNK!}
EM: That one had to hurt.
MK: BEAR! Stop throwing yourself against the door! The Boy is sleeping as he should. He doesn't need to deal with your nonsense.
BC: HEY! If tasty whole chickens are involved, it's never nonsense. But ...
{Pause}
BC: You ARE out here. That means you don't know about the chickens. Can you go in and make sure there aren't tasty whole chickens in there?
MK: Sure ...
{Momma opens the door}
BC: {rushing in to the room} Never mind. You'd lie to me! Here, CHICKENS CHICKENS CHICKENS! Let me love you!
EM: DON'T BELIEVE HIM! HIS WAY OF "LOVING" OTHER LIVING THINGS IS TO BITE THEIR NECKS!

BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! They don't have to know I want to eat them!
{Pause as Ellie snickers}
BC: RATS!
EM: So where are your chickens, Bear?
BC: I bet I JUST missed them! You know those chickens. VERY slippery and tricky. That's the only reason I haven't caught one yet.
The Boy: Wha? BuddyBear?
BC: Err ...
EM: DADDY! Chase me! Chase me!
The Boy: What's going on?
EM: Bear thought there were tasty whole chickens in here and Momma opened the door so he could see for himself.
MK: Not EXACTLY what happened ... but close enough.
EM: Chase me, Daddy!
The Boy: Daddy's tired, Baby Girl.
EM: PLEASE?!?
The Boy: Maybe later.
{Pause}
EM: Like now?
The Boy: This evening?
EM: You promise?
The Boy: Sure.
EM: Are you going to tell Bear off for being mean to me? And Momma for calling me Ellie Bellie?
The Boy: I ...
EM: NOPE! You have to chase me to touch me! BYE!
MK: She's getting really good at that. I'm sorry for all this. Bear! OUT!
BC: But I'm staking out the room for chickens! Don't tell the chickens, but I'm undercover.

MK: No. Daddy's sleeping! You can't be undercover in here.
BC: I don't know why I have to leave the ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Sheesh. Grumpy grumpy.
{Momma closes the door behind her}
BC: Wait a ... YOU LET THE CHICKENS OUT!
EM: {from down the hall - to the tune of The Baha Men's song} Who let the chickens out? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?
BC: Who let The Boy in? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?
MK: What is this? Karaoke day at our house? Bear, can't we leave The Boy alone?
BC: NO! The door is closed! That means there are tasty whole chickens in there and you both are trying to hide them from me!
EM: Did someone say chickens?
BC: YEAH! They're in the bedroom!
EM: What are they doing in there?
BC: NOT being eaten!
EM: What can we do? Call the big bad wolf so he can huff and puff and blow the door down?
MK: Bear, you were JUST in there and there were no chickens.
BC: Phht. THEN.
EM: Maybe they're invisible chickens.
MK: You're not helping.
EM: If chickens are invisible, do you still hear them cluck?
MK: ELLIE!
BC: If we ask the big bad wolf for help, won't he expect a commission of chickens?
EM: If they're invisible he can't count them. Joke's on him.
MK: This is ridiculous. You two are on your own. I'm not waiting around to find out what you two come up with next.
BC: More invisible chickens for us.
{Pause}
BC: {THUNK!} Let. Me. {THUNK!} In. So. I. {THUNK!} Can. Check. {THUNK!} For. Chickens! {THUNK!} I mean it! {THUNK!} I'm going to beat this door down! {THUNK!} Don't try ...

{Pause as the door opens}
BC: WHOA! I knew if I threw my body against it just right ...
The Boy: Bear, I'm sleeping!
BC: {running down the hall} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! The growling ogre's after me! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLP!
EM: We know! With invisible chickens!
The Boy: What?
BC: {running back up the hall} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLP!
EM: Bear! It's just Daddy!
The Boy: Just?
BC: {huffing and puffing} I admit {HUFF} ... big bad wolf {PUFF} ... had {HUFF} skills.
EM: Yeah! But what he did to those little piggies wasn't very nice.
BC: Relatives of yours?
EM: Oh, shut up!
The Boy: If you don't need me, I'm going back to bed.
BC: DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR! I know there are chickens in there!
EM: If they're invisible how will we find them?
BC: Hmmm ... a chicken whistle?
EM: Whoa! They make those?
BC: OBVIOUSLY. How else do you catch invisible chickens?
EM: You are so smart, Bear!
BC: I try not to brag.
{The bedroom door closes again}
BC: HEY! Chickens! Let. Me. In. I must do unspeakable things to those invisible chickens!

EM: {GASP} If chickens are invisible, can you still taste them?
BC: RATS! This is going to require some thought and research.
EM: WHOOOOOOOOOA. Maybe we ALREADY caught the invisible chickens!
BC: Hmmm ... have we caught the invisible chickens ... or have we NOT caught the invisible chickens? That's even more fundamental than, "What came first, the chicken or the egg?"
EM: The chicken!
{Pause}
EM: No! WAIT! The egg!
{Pause}
EM: Err ... that's a tough one. But it brings up a good point. Are invisible chicken hatched from invisible eggs?
BC: Then one could have invisible scrambled eggs!
EM: Invisible omelets!
BC: Whoa! I wonder if making french toast with invisible eggs makes the toast invisible.
EM: This is good! This is good! All the fundamental questions of our day.
BC: Like WHERE ARE MY *&@^! CHICKENS!?

{Pause}
BC: DEPRIVING A CAT OF HIS CHICKENS IS IMMORAL AND UNETHICAL AND JUST PLAIN WRONG! MY LAWYER WILL ...
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} What do lawyers do again?
EM: Lawing?
BC: My lawyer will law you! Ha! Take that!
EM: You have a lawyer?
BC: Will you just shut up? It's called bluffing! Let them think I have a lawyer.
EM: But you don't.
BC: {sigh}.
EM: Unless it's an invisible lawyer.
BC: And I worry about them taking me seriously ... in comparison to you, I'm a flipping genius!
EM: You can do flips? COOL! Show me!
BC: {sigh} Maybe later.
EM: Everyone keeps saying LATER!

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