Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 3

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and perpetrating crimes exacerbated by proximity and amount of time spent together. This series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household. If you missed the first installment of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series, you may find it here: Crimes and Misdemeanors. The second episode may be found here: Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 2. The second episode explains why The Boy is in the doghouse.

EM: Ellie Mae

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

EM: Where's Daddy?
BC: In the dog house.
EM: There's a house of dogs around here? Isn't that discrimination if they don't allow cats?
BC: What's WRONG with you? If there are dogs in a house, what cat would want to be there? All that butt sniffing and slobber ... and dog cooties!
EM: I'm just saying ...
BC: No. A DOG HOUSE. A house for a dog.
EM: REALLY?!? Some dogs have their own house? That sounds lonely. One dog and no people? Who lets the dog out? Why's Daddy visiting the dog's house?
BC: NO! He's IN the dog house because of what he said earlier this week. Remember? He said Momma didn't count and wasn't cuddly like us?
EM: I'm sure he didn't mean what he said to me either.
BC: Wait wait wait. Mean WHAT?
EM: He said we should let you outside and "forget" to let you back in.
BC: WHAT?!? I'm going to throw the book at him! NO! The whole bookcase! NO! The library!!!
EM: When's Daddy coming home?

BC: When he learns to keep his mouth shut.
EM: So never? I mean, he's not a Momma or anything ... but still!
{Pause}
EM: Will he have fleas when he comes home?
BC: I've told you over and over again that The Boy has cooties. He probably gave cooties to the dogs. Then again, maybe it's a fair trade.
EM: Hmmm ... maybe I'll take a REALLY stinky poop. He always shows up quickly.
BC: I guess that's what they mean when they talk of summoning the devil.
{Pause}
BC: If he's going to be out doing his thing ... he should get neutered. No accidental babies.
EM: BABIES?!? Would they eat me?
BC: This fear you have about being eaten is just ... hmm ... if you don't leave me alone, I'LL eat you!
EM: Oh, okay!
BC: Hmm ... that was almost too easy.
{Thirty minutes pass}
EM: Meoooooooooooow!? MOW! MURRRRRRRRROW!

{Pause}
EM: MURRRRRRROW!
{Pause}
EM: Mew m'ow!
BC: Do you mind keeping it down over there? I'm trying to dream about a tortie and tasty whole chicken orgy.
EM: Ummm .... I know I shouldn't ... but I'm kind of trying to picture that.
BC: What's all the racket?
EM: I lost my people!
BC: Hmph. The only people here are MY people. Well, except for The Boy. He can be your person.
EM: FINE! I lost your people! And I need a lap!
BC: WHAT?!?! Apparently managing The Boy was too much responsibility for you. I mean, he's too stupid to get in much trouble ... not that I'm judging. He always manages to find his way home though.
EM: Where's Daddy?
BC: I don't know. I haven't seen him since ... DUDE! {gasp} The Boy IS gone! I didn't even notice until just now ...
EM: He's at the dog's house?
BC: He's GONE! FINALLY! Now it's just me and Momma and ... and ...
{Pause as Bear looks at Ellie}
BC: CRAP!

EM: WHAT?!? I didn't poop! I swear! I was joking about the stinky poop!
{Pause}
BC: But still ... after the last post, someone commented about being married over thirty years ... that means I'd have to put up with Dumbnuts for another 28 years! That was close! I really thought I was stuck with him.
{Pause}
BC: One down, one to go.
EM: One what?
BC: One monster.
EM: There are MONSTERS here?
BC: Phht. No. OBVIOUSLY. There's only one monster here. No plural.
EM: {whispering} Do you think it will eat me?
BC: Probably.
EM: OH, NO! It's even more important we find Momma! We need her to protect us!
BC: Phht. I don't need her or anyone else to protect ...
{The doorbell rings}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! They're here! They're here! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLP!
EM: They? They WHO? I'm not sticking around to find out! I'm going to get as far under the bed as I fit!
{Pause as Ellie settles into her hiding spot}
EM: RATS! I curse this bed! I need to go on a diet so I fit under here again.
BC: Not going to comment ... not going to comment ... low hanging fruit ...
EM: I'm not coming out EVER AGAIN! Take THAT stupid monsters!

BC: Don't be ridiculous. Monsters don't speak English so they can't understand you!

EM: Oh. Good point!

BC: Fortunately, I know monster.

EM: You do? COOL! How do you say ...

BC: Booga booga jaq du!

EM: WHOOOOOOA. You really do speak monster! What'd you say? What'd you say?

BC: I told the monster that I wouldn't sacrifice my only sister to save my Momma.

EM: REALLY?! You said that? About ME? You finally ... LOVE me? And enough that you'd choose Momma over me?

BC: Err ...

EM: Can we be best friends? I'll braid your fur! OH! This is going to be so much fun!

BC: Fun isn't the word I'd use.

EM: This is great! I can't wait to tell Momma ... wait a minute! She's been eaten by the monster!

BC: I'm tempted to make a trade. I thought Momma talked a lot ... you haven't shut up since you were born in 2011.
{Pause}
EM: Wait a ... I hear Momma's voice! Where is she?
BC: She got eaten by the monster.
EM: OH NO! Who will feed us? And give me a lap? And ... and ... dig my sparkle balls out? I'VE BEEN ABANDONED! AGAIN!
BC: What?
EM: The first people who adopted me from the rescue left me outside! They abandoned me! That's why I always like to know where my people are! I don't want to be abandoned again! I'm sure they didn't mean it ...
BC: Phht. Keep telling yourself that. They probably got tired of Yellie. Or Smellie. Hahahaha.

EM: That's not very nice! Momma says I'm the sweetest cat she's ever met.
BC: That's an oxymoron.
EM: I'm not an ox moron! You're an ox moron!
BC: NO! OXY-MORON. It means two words that are contradictory but go together. No self-respecting cat wouldn't bite or claw when the whim strikes.
EM: I love my people! I love laps and sparkle balls and tuna and laps and ...
BC: You already said laps!
EM: Well, I REALLY love them! Laps are the bestest thing ever!
BC: Even better than tuna?
EM: Err ... hmmm ... I have to think about that. But I just really like my people ...
BC: {AHEM}.
EM: YOUR people. They're nice and Momma makes sure we're happy kitties. Plus we get all kinds of cool stuff because of our blog. I don't want to be abandoned!
BC: Momma would never abandon you ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I'm stuck with you!
EM: Wait a ... if the monster ate her why do we still hear her voice? It sounds like she's ... SINGING!
BC: That must be some indigestion. Usually her singing just makes the rest of us sick - but that poor monster.
EM: Don't you think we should do something?

BC: What? Like throw a party?
EM: NO! To save her!
BC: Eh.
EM: It's MOMMA we're talking about! Speak some monster or something!
BC: She's just in the shower.
EM: Huh? She's licking herself?
BC: Not quite. That would be funny to watch her try though.
{Pause}
BC: Well, except for the naked part. That would be gross.
{Pause}
BC: Image! I've got the image! Help! Mind bleach! Give me the mind ...
{WHACK!}
BC: What are you whapping me for?
EM: Being stupid.
BC: I'm not stupid!
EM: You're the one talking about Momma being naked.
BC: The image! It's in my head again! Hit me! Hit me!
EM: Nah. You deserve it.
BC: HEY! That's not very nice!
EM: So there's no monster?

BC: Of course ... {GASP} I bet she has tasty whole chickens in there! MOMMA! I'm coming in!
{THUNK!}
BC: LET ME IN RIGHT NOW! I KNOW YOU HAVE TASTY WHOLE CHICKENS IN THERE!
EM: And the visual of the tortie and chicken orgy was disturbing ... but Momma taking a shower with chickens? Sounds foul. Hahahaha.
{THUNK!}
EM: Stop throwing yourself against the door! You ...
{Pause}
EM: Hmmm. Never mind. Knock yourself out.
BC: LET. ME. IN!
{THUNK!}
{THUNK!}
MK: {opening the door} What's wrong?
EM: YOU DIDN'T ABANDON US! Or get eaten by a monster.
MK: Bear!
BC: WHAT? I didn't do it. Not really.
EM: Bear speaks monster! Ask him to say something!
BC: Hmm. I did that.
MK: I can't get a shower without all kinds of craziness going on out here!
EM: I was scared you'd abandoned me!
MK: I would never do that.
BC: And she wouldn't shut up.
MK: I remember a certain tabby cat that used to cry outside the closed bathroom door when I got a shower.
EM: WHO?!? What tabby cat? That might be someone I can be friends with.
MK: And this tabby didn't want me to close the door when he was in the bathroom with me - so I learned how to take a shower with the door open.
BC: I don't know what this has to do with any ...
MK: Oh. And then there were the micey. After Bear decided he wasn't that excited about my shower he started leaving me micey on the other side of the door for when I was done.
EM: WAIT! BEAR?!?! BEAR did that?
BC: HEY! Don't judge.

EM: OH! Tell me more about Bear when he was younger!
BC: Don't you dare! You might give her ideas!
MK: We'll talk about it when I get out of the shower.
BC: Huh. I thought that sudsy look was a little weird.
EM: Where's Daddy? Is he in there too?
BC: EWW!
MK: He's out of town, honey. He'll be back in a few days.
EM: So he's not at the dog's house?
MK: I don't want to know ... though I bet money that it came out of Bear's mouth.
EM: Better that end than the other end. Hahahaha.
BC: VERY FUNNY! HEY! Wait! Are there tasty whole chickens in there?
MK: Do you want to come inspect for chickens?
BC: Don't mind if I do ...
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm ... carry on. I need a nap. But don't get all chicken ideas!
EM: You mean like your tortie and tasty whole chicken orgy?
MK: I don't want to know.
EM: But Bear said ...
MK: NOPE! I don't want to know!
EM: That was kind of rude.
BC: Give life with me another ten years ... then it will make sense.

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