Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 2

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and perpetrating crimes exacerbated by proximity and amount of time spent together. This new series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household. If you missed the first installment of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series, you may find it here: Crimes and Misdemeanors.

The Boy: Momma's fiance
BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat

The Boy: I'm home!
BC: {from somewhere in the house} Great. I keep hoping he'll get lost on his way home ... There goes the neighborhood.
EM: Phht. That boat sailed when you moved in, Bear.
The Boy: I'm SOOOO glad to be home with my favorite kitties!
BC: I'll have you know I made this neighborhood b!+chen! You missed the line of hot chicks that went around the corner. All to get a look at me and share googly eyes!
EM: You're the biggest ...
The Boy: Speaking of my kitties ... where's my BuddyBear? Baby girl? HELLO?
BC: {whispering} Pretend you're asleep! Then he won't bug you!
EM: OH! That's smart! For all those times you really want a Momma but all you have is a Not-the-Momma.
BC: On second thought, never mind. He wakes me up all the time.
{Silence}
The Boy: Nobody's glad that I'm home?
MK: I'm glad you're home.
The Boy: You don't count!
MK: WHAT?!
BC: {whispering} Hahaha. He doesn't even realize ... he's about to get a $#!+ storm dumped on him.

MK: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON'T COUNT?
The Boy: My baby girl? Bear?
MK: WHAT. DO. YOU. MEAN. I. DON'T. COUNT?
{Silence}
The Boy: Well, don't all crowd around me at once! Your enthusiasm is touching.
MK: YOU SAID I DON'T COUNT!
The Boy: Err ... no, I didn't.
BC: Umm ... YEAH, you did!
The Boy: You're not helping!
BC: You. I'm not helping YOU. Well, unless I help you out the door.
MK: And now you're ignoring me like I don't count!
The Boy: Honey ...
BC: He he he. Only tuna popcorn could make this better!
MK: Fine. Whatever. I don't count.
The Boy: That's not what I meant!
MK: It's what you said!
The Boy: Some times I say stupid stuff!
BC: Some times? THAT'S an understatement!
The Boy: I usually don't mean it!
BC: Usually ... she's going to rip him apart like a bored puppy with a cheap pillow!
MK: I meet you at the door and all you care about is that the cats don't care that you're home?
The Boy: Well, you're a given and easy! I have to romance the ...
{THWACK!}
BC: That sounded like it hurt.
EM: HEY! That's my Not-the-Momma! Err ... I mean my Daddy!
The Boy: If I matter so much to you, you could've come out right away to greet me.
EM: Err ... well ... I mean ... you're not Momma or anything - I mean, I come out for her ... if it makes you feel better, you make a good "Not-the-Momma."

The Boy: Just a "Not-the-Momma?"
MK: FINE! Just keep ignoring me! The cats can make your dinner! And wash your clothes. And clean.
EM: That's a lot of licking!
BC: HUH? She doesn't mean LITERALLY! Besides, I don't work. Well, unless there's a tasty whole chicken farm in it for me. But I demand payment in advance.
The Boy: No! It's just that the cats are furry and cuddly.
MK: EXCUSE ME?
BC: D@mn! Keep digging, moron!
The Boy: I mean ...
{Pause as The Boy sees Momma's face}
The Boy: I'm going to go change my clothes in the bedroom.
MK: Why are you telling me? I. DON'T. COUNT. Remember?
The Boy: That's not what I ...
BC: Hahahahahahaha. She got him there.
MK: And I'm not cuddly.
BC: The Boy's Smackdown, part 309,284,923! I should charge admission. YOU TELL HIM, MOMMA!
MK: Bear, you're not helping.
BC: Not helping HIM anyway. Throw the bookcase at him! Make him pay for disrespecting me! Err ... you! Err ... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
The Boy: {from the bedroom} Honey? What's wrong with Bear?
BC: {thinking} What do you mean what's wrong with me? The better question for you is what's RIGHT with you!
MK: I thought I didn't count.
The Boy: I said that ONCE ... by accident ... I didn't mean ...
{Pause}
The Boy: {from the bedroom} Bear's not breathing!
BC: I'm not? QUICK! I need CPR! Call 911! And cue up the, "who's the less-est evil to give Bear mouth-to-mouth?"
EM: That's not good. No, wait. Then I'd be an only child! All the laps, sparkle balls and food would be mine!
BC: That's cold! I wouldn't let you give me mouth-to-mouth even if I stopped breathing.
EM: Oh, yeah? "Less-est" ISN'T a word!
MK: Bear's out here on his shelf! He's not on the bed!
The Boy: Then who ... BEAR-Y!
BC: WHAT?!?! YOU. THOUGHT. I. WAS. MOMMA'S. HEATHEN. STUFFED. BEAR? What's wrong with you? Wasn't it bad enough that you gave him to her?
EM: That was pretty cold.

BC: You know what? Don't answer that. What's wrong with you? You stole my Momma, gave her my competition AND you made her get Smellie!
The Boy: MADE her? I think your anger is slightly misplaced!
BC: No. It's right here where it always is ... pointed at Smellie!
EM: HEY! I just supported you!
BC: I'll have you know that I'm WAY more handsome than some stupid stuffed bear. That joker is not me. And I have handsome stripe-y pants!
The Boy: It's dark in here! I can't see!
BC: Phht. Like you ever see the light. Talk about the blind leading the blinder.
The Boy: But ...
BC: And by blind, I mean Momma. You would be blinder.
The Boy: She's not the boss of me! She doesn't lead me anywhere!
MK: Oh, REALLY?
BC: My fur even feels more handsome than that straggly fool. That punk ass bear and I look nothing alike.
EM: Umm ... did you guys forget Bear's not breathing?
BC: WHAT?!? They forgot I wasn't breathing? How rude!
EM: Daddy said ...
BC: Oh. They didn't ACTUALLY forget ... The Boy thought I was the stuffed bear and the stuffed bear wasn't breathing.
{Pause}
BC: HMPH! I'm even MORE insulted after repeating it!
EM: Oh, no! Does the stuffed bear need CPR?
BC: More like a huge can of whoop-@$$!
EM: Well, technically ... you are kind of ...
BC: SHUT UP! You're not helping! At least the ground doesn't shake when I waddle down the hall.
EM: At least I don't strut like a cheap street-walker.
BC: What?
EM: Err ...
BC: What are you talking about?
EM: Umm ... I heard Momma say that you strut like a cheap street-walker. I'm not entirely sure what that means ... I mean, doesn't Momma walk on the street? So what's so bad about calling someone a street-walker?

BC: Cheap? CHEAP?!?! I am NOT cheap! Believe me.
EM: So you acknowledge the streetwalker part? I still don't understand why that's an insult. You see people walking down the street all the time!
BC: Only a true idiot could insult me without realizing it. Then again, you'd have to be an idiot to insult me. I've got friends in low places.
EM: Under the couch? Because I've looked there and all I saw was my red sparkle ball.
BC: WHAT?!?!
EM: Or you mean under the bed? I can't fit under there anymore - but I can still see what's under there.
BC: Remind me to get you a shoe horn.
EM: What? I don't wear shoes! And I don't play the horn!
BC: {sigh} NO! Then we can wedge you in there under the bed.
EM: Really? Because since I can't fit anymore, Momma always manages to be able to grab me ...
BC: {mumbling to himself} With any luck, you'll get stuck.
EM: ... When ... when ... I can't even talk about it! I'm too traumatized!
BC: What are you ...
EM: Momma touches me inappropriately! YEAH! She touches my teeth! My teeth aren't for touching, they're for defense! And my claws! She clipped those last night too!
BC: Believe me, there's nothing I'd rather do right now than touch you inappropriately. But I'd get in trouble for beating you up.
EM: Again.
BC: Oh, shut up! It's not my fault you squeal like a flatulent cricket.
EM: You stole my scratcher!
BC: It's not yours! Remember the "s" word you spray around here?
EM: Like you haven't called Momma worse!
BC: The "s" word ... SHARE.
EM: Oh. Haha. I thought it was another word. Momma was so excited when we won the Petmate Jackson Galaxy Constellation Convertible Scratcher from our friends, Lola The Rescued Cat because I'd get a real scratcher. FINALLY. I LOVE scratchers! Scratchers are my best friend.
{The cats think back on their history with the other scratcher}

EM: And then you stole the new scratcher from me!

BC: Hey. All bets are off when catnip is involved and Momma dumped a crap ton of catnip on it. It sure didn't look like the scratcher belonged to you.

EM: But you don't even USE scratchers!

BC: As I said ... all bets are off when catnip is involved ... and Momma made sure it was well-endowed with catnip.

EM: YEAH! To get MY interest! Momma was so excited and couldn't wait for me to love the scratcher and Daddy and Momma were watching TV and the next thing Daddy sees is YOU on the scratcher!

BC: I was warming it up for you.

EM: No. You were rubbing up all over it so it smelled like you!

BC: You're welcome.

EM: You were mean to me when I tried to use the scratcher.

BC: TRIED. You just kept walking around the scratcher. You knew better than to fight me. The scratcher was taken.

EM: You use the couch! You don't use a scratcher!

BC: Catnip changes everything!

EM: I had to make sure it was safe and wouldn't eat me!

BC: You snooze, you lose.

EM: You're a jerk!

BC: Blame the nip.

EM: You didn't even use the scratcher right! You're supposed to scratch it, not lay on it. You half-heartedly pawed at the scratcher ... but that doesn't count!

BC: Oh, so now YOU'RE the expert on proper scratcher etiquette?

EM: More than YOU who thinks he's too good for a scratcher.

BC: I'm too good for a scratcher without catnip. Only chumps use scratchers for scratching. And that one has catnip.

The Boy: {coming out from the bedroom and seeing Bear on his shelf} Hi, BuddyBear!

BC: Hi, Dumbnuts.

The Boy: I can't be that bad. You're letting me pet you.

BC: Are you still here?

The Boy: But ...

BC: Do the other side! Do the other side!

The Boy: Okay ...

BC: NO! STOP! STOP or I'll funk you up like our couch!

The Boy: But you like ...

BC: M'ROW!

The Boy: HONEY! Bear's being ...

BC: WHAT? I'm being WHAT? I DARE you to say it.

The Boy: ... Bear. You're being BEAR!

BC: That's my name. Don't wear it out. M'ROW!

The Boy: OWWWW! Err ... do something, Honey!?!?

MK: What? I thought I didn't count!

BC: Whoop. There it is.

The Boy: Why do I get the feeling this is going to be a long night and I'll actually be HAPPY to go to work tomorrow?

BC: Not as happy as we'll be.

The Boy: I'm getting that.

MK: Like you'd miss me anyway ... I'm not cuddly.

BC: The hits just keep coming!

MK: BEAR!

BC: Throw the whole house at him!

MK: I just have a long memory.

BC: I don't envy him. And not just because he's stupid.

Featured posts:

If you missed the first installment of the Crimes and Misdemeanors series, you might find it here: Crimes and Misdemeanors.
If you missed Ellie's confession about her scratcher: Not my circus, but yes, they are my monkeys.
The cats' scratching battle was discussed in The big bad wolf, alien buffalos, and lots more nonsense.
To read about the last time The Boy gave Momma a teddy bear ...