You know you're a cat person when ...

January 25, 2019

Cats are unique and exquisite creatures - yet they have quirks that make even the most understanding of humans scratch their heads. A cat is the only pet that will destroy your couch and then blame you for its demise. Cats are easy to love but these aberrations can be hard to understand. It is with that appreciation, admiration, and love for our feline friends that I share how you know you're a cat person.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A CAT PERSON WHEN ...

😼 You have entire conversations with your cats and you - at least at one point - say "I know, I know."

😼 You have a conversation with your cat, and you hear them they talk back to you and ask questions.

😼 Cats lose their toys ... we lose our keys. Yet you're most excited about finding the cat toys.

😼 You accidentally step on your cat ... and spend the next half hour chasing it around apologizing and making sure it's not hurt, meanwhile traumatizing the poor cat further.

😼 You meet someone new, the first question you ask yourself is "Will my cat like them?"

😼 The majority of the exercise you get in any given day is chasing the cats around.

😼 You don't hesitate to talk about your cat's potty habits and if they're regular - even around non-cat people.

😼 The first thing that comes to mind after seeing some cool trinket is, "I wonder how long it would take my cats to destroy that?" Skip right over the, "WHOA! That's cool! I have to have that!" When you love something, you should let it go and be enjoyed in houses without furry terrorists.

😼 You know how skittish cats may be; also "crazies" is a noun, verb and adjective.

😼 You know the cat being adorable isn't justification for waking him up, fawning over her or otherwise disturbing a cat - especially if that disturbance is from a nap.

😼 Butt checks and breathing checks are a thing.

😼 You don't know what to do without fur - on your clothes, in your food ... everywhere. The world just doesn't shine as brightly without cat fur.

😼 You put something on the floor and the cat lays on it - and you don't have the heart to make the cat move until he's good and ready.

😼 You know hissing happens. And clawing. And biting. And fur. And fang marks.

😼 You know the cat didn't do it. Ever.

😼 You know leaving anything lying around is a challenge to the feline of the house to knock it off, or otherwise confiscate it.

😼 You walk into a room and aren't alarmed that a cat is on the table or counter, etc. Likewise, you no longer freak out when little furry things jump out at you and you are used to that dark ball that's almost constantly stalking you through the house.

😼 You see something on the floor, but you don't bend over to see what it is - assuming it's just a cat toy.

😼 You are secure in the knowledge that cats' tastes change - and the wet food variety you fed your cat 5,338,046 times will be tomorrow's nose-up - ESPECIALLY after you buy a case.

😼 You know that any food bowl less than 98.39762% full is actually EMPTY and death by starvation is imminent.

😼 You know with almost certainty that a cat's absolute favorite mousie is the EXACT SAME in appearance as the second favorite mousie - but the cat can and will tell them apart. Trying to substitute one mousie for another will not save you from inevitably dragging favorite mousie from under the couch.

😼 You know cats are ferocious and brutal; therefore laughing when they hiss or bite at you is insulting to their savage nature. This is an act of war.

😼 You recognize "toy" is in the eye of the beholder. If a cat can bat it, it better be bolted down if you want to keep it.

😼 You learn play time is over when the cat says so. And perhaps, even before it starts.

😼 You learn that sometimes "playing" is a relative term that involves a human waving a cat toy around and a cat to ignore it.

😼 You accept that your cat must supervise everything you do and you accept his desire to "help." There is no such thing as "privacy" when you share your home with a cat. Also, the cat knows what you're NOT supposed to do and he'll remind you ... loudly.

😼 You know that when your cat wants attention he'll come to you - and you initiate contact anyway because he's sitting there so adorably.

😼 You know the way to a cat's heart is food, food, and more food. ESPECIALLY if the food is tuna. It doesn't matter WHOSE food it is. If the cat wants it ... the cat gets it.

😼 You know boxes are gold. A cat trap is as simple as putting a box on the floor.

😼 Forty pounds of cat litter and twenty pounds of cat food don't seem like a lot.

😼 You know when the cat wants to be invisible, you better treat him that way or you'll be sorry.

😼 You know that if your cat can't see you - he expects you don't see him.

😼 You recognize you are there at your cat's discretion - not the other way around.

😼 You know boobs and bellies make good shelves for cats.

😼 You check to make sure the cat is on the proper side of the door when you exit and enter the premises, walk into or out of rooms, and open closets or the pantry.

😼 You know the appearance of your reaction is motivation enough for the cat to misbehave.

😼 You don't even bother to tell your cat to stop misbehaving. You know he'll do what he wants and that he'll make you watch. You also know if you ignore him, you are opening a crap storm on yourself.

😼 You know everything your cat does is the result of a careful and complex decision process. At times, his actions might appear like random whims ... but he knows what he's doing.

😼 You know what your cat is capable of - after watching him kill the same mousie 953 times. You watch with awe and a growing fear that you might be next.

😼 You don't even think to warn visitors you have a cat - it's just the way it is - your reality.

😼 You walk around the house in a way an outsider would think was bizarre (a series of odd stops, sideways movements, skips, and leaps): 1) so as not to provoke your cat's hunting instinct, or 2) so as to avoid stepping on a cat lounging in the middle of the room or hallway (especially in the dark), or 3) for the times when your friend is following you everywhere to avoid tripping over (or stepping on) the cat (or his tail). Bonus points if you've had to go to the doctor because of these antics - and you told the truth of how you got hurt (ie exhibiting resignation).

😼 You accept that no home decorating project is complete without the "modifications" and feedback of your cat. Because "cat-safe" spots are at a premium (and don't receive sunlight) many pretty things must be left in their boxes, in the closets, and plants are not allowed (unless you enjoy waking up in the morning to a pot tipped over and a pile of dirt - with no trace of the plant or its roots). Also, the cat is a humbug when it comes to holiday decorations so you no longer even attempt to be festive (preventing the cat's need to be "festive" himself). You give up on holiday decorations even for "safe" real estate because the cat spends so much time staring at them and seemingly plotting ways to "redecorate" them, that you become paranoid and put them away anyway.

😼 You know that no matter how adorable your cat is, you ARE NOT to touch her after she grooms herself lest you contaminate her perfectly manicured fur.

😼 You never close any door. EVER.

😼 You can sleep with your face covered by a sleeping cat.

😼 You sleep better with a cat sleeping on your bladder, with a claw in your side.

😼 A cat on your lap means you don't get up despite having to pee, with half of your body asleep, and really late to go somewhere. Trying to get up will only provoke the nasty look we all know our cats are capable of.

😼 You know that nasty look is also provoked when one gets the cat wet in any capacity - actually, you don't have to be involved at all. If it's water and she get's it in her fur - even if it's not your fault and you have no idea what's going on - you can bet the cat will blame you.

😼 You know that you can buy all the expensive beds, toys, accessories you want - but if the cat refuses to use them, you better get over it.

😼 You're not phased by the alarming noises made when a cat's barfing.

😼 You know the venus-hand trap maneuver - namely the promised land of the cat shown for your benefit - that you just can't resist touching - and the cat can't resist biting you for.

😼 Your vocabulary includes the kind of words uttered when one steps in a pile of barf. But otherwise you don't even flinch.

😼 Your vocabulary includes the kind of words uttered when one steps on a hard cat toy.

😼 Everything smells like fish (90% of the wet food you give the cat is fish - by demand). EVERYTHING. The cat's breath (and sneezes), the cat's creations, etc. are ALL fish. The thought of eating fish yourself causes you to want to make a "creation" of your own.

😼 You know every pull and scratched up spot of carpet in the house and you vacuum as if you're in a field of land mines.

😼 Every time you see a kitty - even one that owns you - your voice goes up two octaves and you say, "It's a kitty!!!"

😼 You say hello and/or good-bye to your cat[s] every time the cat[s] walk in to or out of the room.

😼 You have fifteen ... THOUSAND nicknames for your cat[s] and you regularly come up with new ones. About three-fourths of these are embarrassing to the cat.

😼 You know the term "pussy-footing" ... but you also know that putting more than one cat together, you have a pounding herd ... up and down the hall way.

😼 You know it's impossible to go to the bathroom without an audience. In fact, you only notice when you don't have an audience. Yet you still feel mildly guilty for walking into a room and catching your cat licking his butt.

😼 The sound of purring relaxes you.

😼 You know that with cats, quiet is suspicious.

😼 It doesn't phase you anymore to find your cat staring at the wall. For hours.

😼 You're a master at "cat-proofing" your house so the cat can't hurt himself or burn down the house.

😼 When you walk up to another person's house, you look for cats in the windows.

😼 You know your cats are not amused by any jokes - and if you ask the kittens where their mittens are, be prepared for their complete disdain.

😼 It doesn't phase you to have to wipe a cat's butt.

😼 If you accidentally see the cat in the litter box, you pretend you didn't see anything.

😼 You don't leave important papers out anymore ... as the cat takes that as a challenge to prove he shreds better than any machine shredder.

😼 It doesn't phase you when a cat sneezes in your face.

😼 You know the spots where your cat hangs out (litter box, cat tree, while sleeping, or while he is stalking or hunting you) that you are not to disturb them or acknowledge his existence. You accept that there are places your cat hangs out that you are not to disturb him or so much as look at him when he is in those spots.

😼 You grudgingly admit that your cat has at least two hiding spots that you will never find; whenever the cat is in those spots, he's lost to you and not coming out until he feels like it. Therefore, if you MUST take him somewhere (i.e. vet) you have to make sure he doesn't get far enough away from you to slide into one of those spots before you get there (or see).

😼 You aren't phased when you find your cat staring at you ... for hours.

😼 You know cats do exactly what they want, when they want, how they want, where they want.

😼 You know sharing isn't in a cat's vocabulary. It's either HIS or OURS. And while that line might be up for debate, the cat usually wins.

😼 You know the cat can hear the treat bag or the can opening before you even shake or open it.

😼 You spend most of your day staring at a cat butt. And it no longer bothers you (much).

😼 You grow a mustache that looks A LOT like a cat tail on your upper lip.

😼 You can't help but admire your cat aloud when he prances in front of you ... "You're such a pretty girl/handsome boy," "Your tail is so pretty," "You have fantastic stripe-y pants!"

😼 You learn that being on the wrong side of a closed door is a disaster.

😼 You know the cat interprets anything he doesn't want to do (vet visit, claw clipping, etc) as life-threatening and a matter of life and death. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that he would fight accordingly.

😼 You know cats don't have anger management problems - just PERSONALITY.

😼 You know that if you rent your home, you will never ever get your deposit back.

😼 You know that your cat is totally flexible as long as everything is her way.

😼 You know humanity is vastly inferior to felines in just about every way - except in humanity's possession of a thumb. You're reminded of your inferio ... err ... humanity at any time ... by THE LOOK that makes you feel stupider than dirt. Being a higher life form than humanity, you don't even bother to make sense of what cats do or don't do.

😼 You realize that despite the bluster, indignant attitude and wild idiosyncrasies of your feline (and how easy it is to laugh at them), you know your cat has a heart that equals, if not exceeds, the size of even the most loving of people and dogs.

😼 You acknowledge that your cat owns everything, gets first dibs on everything and only lets you use your belongings per his discretion.

😼 You don't need a clock because you live on "cat time." It's time when the cat says it's time and not a minute before or later.

😼 You're owned by a cat and not only do you like it that way - but you wouldn't have it any other way.

😼 You know that while a cat likes to let it all hang out and be himself without worrying about getting in trouble, he'll miss you while you're gone.

😼 You recognize you are there at your cat's discretion - not the other way around.

😼 You realize the house is owned by [a] cat[s] and you don't even fight it anymore.

😼 You dread any time spent at home without your cat - it feels lonely and you constantly panic without thinking because you don't see or hear all the noises that tell you that you are home (purring, pitter pat of little feet, licking, etc.). You have no idea what to do with yourself. And even though he's not there, you continue to talk out loud as if he is.

Did we miss any?