The Christmas calamity, part 2

January 1, 2019

What did the cats get for Christmas? Did they get everything on their lists? And what about Christmas dinner? Did they score tasty noms like they did on Thanksgiving? If you missed part 1, you may find it here: The Christmas calamity.

EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: {waking up} The giant scratcher to the sky isn't real?!? Bummer.
{Pause}
EM: It's Christmas morning! Yay! Presents! I bet I got a ton of catnip and tuna and an extra few laps and ... {gasp} maybe even a scratcher to the sky!
{Ellie runs out into the living room and gasps}
EM: WE'VE BEEN ROBBED!!! SOMEONE STOLE ALL OUR PRESENTS!!!
BC: {disturbed from his nap} WHAT?!?! Who? What?
EM: Our presents!
BC: We got presents?
EM: Someone stole them!
BC: They did?!? Let me at 'em! I'll teach them a lesson they won't forget. Shark. ENGAGED. Wait a ... how do you know there were presents?
EM: Well, you said Santa would bring presents ...
BC: THAT is what you woke me up for? To tell me Santa ...

EM: SOMEONE. STOLE. OUR. PRESENTS. What could possibly be worse?

BC: Finding a new sister under the tree.
EM: TREE?!? We didn't have a tree last night! THEY. STOLE. THE. TREE. TOO!!!
BC: It's just a figure of speech in reference to presents.
EM: Maybe the tree stole our presents!
BC: THERE IS NO TREE!
EM: I know! There are no presents either!
BC: So stupid ... it hurts ...
EM: Wait a minute ... finding a new sister under the tree?!?
BC: That would be ...
EM: Ah. I see your point.
BC: You DO?
EM: OBVIOUSLY. Another sister would be too much of a good thing.
BC: You're too much of a sister.
EM: You mean I'm really good at being a sister?
BC: Err ... yeah. When you're not trying to sit on me.
EM: I sit on you BECAUSE I'm your sister.
BC: That's a weird conception of love.
EM: Who said anything about love?
BC: Well, OBVIOUSLY, you love me. I mean, who wouldn't? There would have to be something REALLY wrong with you.
EM: You mean RIGHT with me?
BC: HEY! I'm an adorable handsome stripe-y pants!! Everyone loves me! I've got the perfect mix of jerk, sarcasm and sweetness. You could learn something.
EM: Do we need to call the police?
BC: Don't worry. I won't kill you. YET.
EM: WHAT?!?!
BC: On second thought, would they take you away for being too stupid?
EM: OUR PRESENTS!!!
BC: We got presents?
EM: Why wouldn't we?
BC: Momma's annoying. She says that since we're blogging cats we get everything we need and even more of what we don't throughout the year. She thinks our house is overrun with cat stuff!
EM: That cat stuff is what makes it a home!
BC: The Boy always complains about tripping over stuff!
EM: Wait. We didn't get presents because my Daddy trips over things? I'm going to go give my Daddy a piece of my mind!
BC: Hold on, Yellie. Don't spend it all at once.
EM: What?
BC: The PIECE of your mind? Don't spend it all in one place.
EM: Oh, SHUT UP! You KNEW we wouldn't get any presents and you didn't tell me! I spent the whole night under the bed because you said Santa wouldn't come and bring presents if I wasn't under the bed. YOU KNEW we wouldn't get presents!

{Pause}
EM: Wait a ... no presents ... Momma saying we're blogging cats ... YOU KNEW THERE'S NO SANTA TOO, right? And you made me always be in a separate room from you for the past month! You told me I'd be on Santa's good list for sure!
BC: That was a piece of brilliance. And I finally got a nap for the first time since Momma adopted you.
EM: You're in BIG TROUBLE, Bear!
BC: You're going to sit on me again?
EM: Haha. VERY funny! You told me there was a Santa and that he would only come and bring us presents if I hid under the bed! But you KNEW neither of those things were true!!!
BC: Welcome to my life of disappointment and dismay.
EM: Well, you know, Momma IS the best thing ever. I mean, what's stuff without a Momma who loves you and cares for your comfort? And we do always get new stuff ...
BC: I think you should tell Momma off!
EM: I think given how much stuff we get, love is more important than presents!
BC: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?
EM: I have you for a brother!
The Boy: {from the kitchen} &*&^%! IT'S NOT DONE!
MK: What?
The Boy: THE TURKEY!
MK: We can wait a little longer for it to finish cooking.
The Boy: But everything else is ready now! And I'm hungry!
BC: {mumbling to himself} Like father ... like daughter.
{Pause}
The Boy: I'd be fine with just having the sides and throwing the turkey out.
BC: WHAT?!?! If anything gets thrown out, it's going to be The Boy. He RUINED my turkey!
EM: You mean MY turkey!

BC: Well, yeah. It's YOUR turkey now that it's ruined.
EM: HEY! I deserve good turkey too.
MK: So I guess if we don't have a turkey, we don't need gravy either.
BC: WHAT?!?!?! No gravy?
EM: THIS IS THE WORST DAY! EVER! A TOTAL CATASTROPHE!
BC: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?! WE NEED GRAVY! WE ALWAYS NEED GRAVY! And quite frankly, if you used gravy in your cooking it wouldn't taste so bad!
EM: Gravy does fix everything.
The Boy: Except for under-cooked turkeys.
BC: Except little sisters. Unless one's EATING the little sister with gravy.
EM: Who's calling me little?!
BC: You're right. You're the size of a rhino, a hippo, an airplane hanger AND a city.
EM: At least my ego isn't that size!
BC: No. But your stupidity is.
EM: I'm going to tell Momma on you!
BC: Not before I tell Momma on ...
The Boy: I'll take out the turkey after we eat.
EM: Take out the turkey?! You're going to treat the turkey to dinner out? Phht. I should ruin your dinner more often.
The Boy: No. I'm throwing it away.
BC: What?
The Boy: The turkey.
BC: WHY?!?! That's my dinner!
EM: Mine too! Daddy!
The Boy: Not any more or less than it is mine.
BC: The Boy's stealing our turkey to eat for himself!
EM: WHAT?!?! DADDY?!?! You wouldn't REALLY eat all our turkey yourself would you?
The Boy: No. It's been cooking for over seven hours and the meat thermometer read at one hundred and change and I don't want to wait for it to finish cooking.
EM: But ... but ... you could let it finish cooking and then give it to us!
The Boy: I don't want to mess with it!
EM: But ... but ... that's my turkey! I LIKE turkey! NO! I LOVE turkey! I'll eat it all, I promise! And I won't even care if it's fully cooked or not!
BC: And you know she will too! I saw her try to eat dirt last night.

EM: SHUT UP! I'm still not over you lying to me about Santa and presents!
BC: It's not my fault that it's easy to dupe a dupe.
EM: I am not a dupe! You're just mean!
BC: If the turkey's cooked ... err ... not cooked ... what are we going to eat? Are we going to starve? I can feel my stomach getting smaller and constricting!
EM: You farted?
BC: NO! I'm HUNGRY, stupid head!
EM: I'm not a stupid head! You're a stupid head!
BC: This is NOT a happy Christmas!
EM: You're not happy with anything!
BC: Because I always get screwed!
EM: THIS IS THE WORST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!
BC: I hate all of you!
EM: Not as much as we hate you!
BC: Shut up!
EM: You shut up!
MK: Yep. This is pretty much how my holidays went growing up ... only it wasn't sibling fights - but bad-tempered parents. THIS is why holidays don't sparkle quite so much to me anymore.
BC: If she wasn't stupid, I wouldn't have to open a can of whoop-ass and give her an epic smackdown.
EM: If you weren't mean, I wouldn't need to put you in your place!
BC: Our turkey is ruined!
EM: What are we going to eat? We're going to STARVE!
BC: We're going to have to beg going from door to door! "Hello? We're STARVING! Do you have any turkey to spare?"
EM: Yeah. I better do the asking. I'm cute.
BC: Yeah, but if you do it, they'll never believe you're starving!
EM: Oh, shut up! We weigh the same amount! And your stripe-y pants make your butt look big!
BC: This is all The Boy's fault because he ruined our turkey!
EM: And Momma's fault because we didn't get any presents!
MK: Come on. You two have more toys, beds, food, etc than you could ever use.
EM: That's not the point!
MK: What could I get you two that you don't already have?
EM: A scratcher to the sky!
BC: A tank!
EM: Tunas!
BC: Tasty whole chickens!

MK: On the upright, tall scratcher to the sky, I've contacted several companies sharing our interest and I haven't heard anything back!
BC: What about a tank?
MK: I don't think the government will let us test drive a tank.
BC: It's because I'm a cat, isn't it? That's discrimination!
MK: Last time I gave you tuna or chicken flavored food, you both turned up your noses!
BC: There were ... VEGETABLES!
EM: It was nasty! I don't know HOW one messes up tuna ... but some companies seem really talented at it!
BC: No presents!
EM: YEAH!
BC: I didn't get presents before we blogged either!
EM: WHAT?!?! THE NERVE!
BC: YEAH! I had to play with Kitty's old toys and I had one cat bed ...
MK: And a cat tree ...
EM: How did you survive?
MK: Okay okay. After The Boy and I eat, we'll open the presents we got from friends.
{Pause}
EM: Is it time to open presents yet?
MK: It's been five seconds!
EM: Just checking.
BC: Is it time now?
MK: NO! And if you two keep asking, I'm sending the presents back.
EM: I'm hungry!
BC: YEAH! Can we have Cheez-its?
EM: NO! Tuna!
BC: Is it time to open presents yet?
EM: Is it?
MK: Oh, for the love ...
The Boy: You know we're not going to be able to eat in peace until they open the presents.
MK: {sigh}. We have a couple packages from friends. We have one package from Ellen at 15andmeowing and another package from Mooshka and her Mom in Australia.
EM: I have lots of friends! Everyone loves me!
BC: Phht. Everyone loves ME.
EM: And friends are the best thing ever.
BC: Even more than food?
EM: Hmmm .... that's a stumper.
BC: Mooshka sent ME presents! You're not included, Smellie!

MK: Actually, they labeled one gift for Sm .... I mean, Ellie ... and another to share with you.
EM: I'll open this one!

BC: HEY! That's for me! Don't you dare even breathe on it!

MK: You've got to see the card, Bear!
BC: Oh, YEEEEEAH. Hello my sweet. NIIIIIIIIIIIIICCE!!!

MK: Read the inside!

BC: Momma! Look at this card from Mooshka!

EM: I want to read the card too!

BC: Don't even think about it!

MK: Bear, you can let her read the card.

BC: I CAN. But I ...

EM: {picking up the toy labeled for Bear and running} Then this is mine! I'm going to kill it!

BC: HEY! MOOOOOOOMMMMA! That's MY gift from one of my girlfriends! Smellie should get her own friends!

MK: {picking up Bear's toy and setting down the sparkle balls} Ellie, maybe you can play with the sparkle balls they sent you?

EM: Did you say ... sparkle balls?!?! Sparkle balls are my favorite!

{Pause as Ellie considers ...}

EM: Fine. This is mine! I'm going to teach it a lesson!

MK: Oh my! Look at the back of the card! Makes me blush!
EM: HUH? I wanna see!
BC: It says it's for MY eyes only!

EM: {pouting} But I want to see it too!

MK: Look at all the goodies, Ellie! Cookies for Daddy and I AND Kangaroo snacks!

EM: Why would they send snacks for kangaroos?
MK: No. They're MADE of kangaroo.
EM: Aww ... but kangaroos are adorable!
BC: I dare you to say that to one's face!
EM: Hmph. Kangaroos can't have as bad of an attitude as you do!
BC: Do you mind? I'm busy! {SNIIIIFFFFFF!} Mmm ... hot ginger kitty ...

MK: We should probably just leave him alone ...

BC: WHAT?!?!?! Why are you all staring at me?!?! Haven't you ever sniffed ...

MK: And we'll end the post there.

Our presents from Ellen at 15andmeowing ... THANK YOU!!! Momma loves the "King Cat" towels that reminded you of Princess Buttercup - and the cats can never have too many of your famous catnip toys!!!

Featured posts:

If you missed part 1, you may find it here: The Christmas calamity.
If you missed the cats presenting their Christmas lists and discussing the meaning of the Season: A Momma Kat Christmas.
If you missed what happened on Thanksgiving this year: Awkward pauses.