EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
Vet tech: Vet tech at our veterinarian's
Vet: Veterinarian
BC: {grooming himself} She's ONCE! TWICE! THREE TIMES A TORTIE! And I loooove ...
EM: {thinking to herself} Great. He's singing in the shower. AGAIN. I don't feel bad at all to interrupt ...
{Pause}
EM: Psst!
BC: Who?
EM: YOU!
BC: ME!?!?
EM: Do you see any other YOUS around here?
BC: Now that you mention it ...
EM: Don't look, but there's some kind of monster behind you.
BC: {GASP} {GULP} {whispering} What kind of monster?
EM: The really mean kind!
BC: With lots of sharp teeth and sharp claws?
EM: How'd you know?
BC: I KNEW it! My luscious loins are coveted across the universe. Wait ... Momma clipped my claws last night! I can't defend myself!
EM: I think you should run.
BC: Good idea.
{Pause}
BC: {running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{THUNK!}
BC: It hit me! That's IT! This is war. I dare you to hit me again!
EM: {thinking to herself} Or you ran into the wall ...
BC: {running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! {running back the other way} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
BC: {taking a break to catch his breath} Is it {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} still behind me?
EM: I can't look!
BC: Is it that bad?
EM: RUN!!!!!
BC: {running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! HELP! Is it off ...
{THUNK!}
BC: Whatever this is, it's got a mean right hook! Shake it off. Shake it off.
EM: {thinking to herself} Or you ran into the wall again genius ... no wonder you're "special."
BC: {running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! {ricocheting off the couch} {running} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
BC: {taking a break to catch his breath} Is it {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} still behind me?
{Pause}
BC: Wait a MINUTE! Why aren't YOU running from the evil monster? You're not afraid of the monster? It could eat you! Then again, you're not nearly as tasty as I ....
{Momma snatches Bear}
BC: PUT ME DOWN! THE MONSTER'S GOT ME! THE MONSTER'S GOT ME! Get Momma! And my lawyer! And Momma's lawyer! And HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLPP!
MK: Relax, Bear. It's just me.
BC: YOU'RE the monster?
MK: Yep.
BC: Hmph. I buy that. I mean ... LOOK AT YOU!
EM: Hahahahahaha. {To Bear} You should see the look on your face!
{Momma sets Bear down in the carrier and then quickly zips it up}
BC: HEY! You never said anything about prison! LET ME OUT!!!!! I swear! Let me out or I'm going to total this carrier and anyone touching it!
MK: That was a good idea, Ellie. Tire him out from running so I can grab him and put him in the carrier.
BC: WHAT!?!? SMELLIE is behind this? I'm not going to forget this! I'm going to kill you once! And then again ... for effect! LET ME OUT OF HERE!
MK: Sorry, Bear. Time for your yearly check up.
BC: I KNEW IT! Momma was stalking my poop for a week! I should've known she's not making litter castles - but looking for poop to bring with me.
EM: Because you're not enough poop yourself? You don't have enough poopy ideas?
BC: HEY! Now don't act like your poop doesn't ...
{Pause}
BC: HEY?!? Why isn't Smellie coming?
MK: She had her yearly six months ago. Now it's your turn.
BC: That's so un ... wait. That's good!
EM: Huh?
BC: When Smellie goes she complains and talks the whole time. She tries to drown me out and I can't get a word in edgewise! But don't think this lets you off the hook, Smellie! I'm going to rearrange every part of you until your teeth stick out your butt!
MK: All right. Time to go.
BC: Put me down!!! I REALLY REALLY HATE YOU! This is the LAST straw! And Smellie's going to pay!
EM: BITE ME! Oh! Right. You can't. Because you're in a carrier going to the vet! Hahahaha.
{Momma closes the front door}
BC: Is it my imagination or is she getting worse? Taunting me?!?
MK: Alright, buddy. Let's strap you in.
BC: Momma? Why are we going so slow?
MK: Because I haven't started the car yet.
BC: RATS! I was hoping this was almost over. They should have a drive through vet - cats and dogs don't even have to get out of their cars!
MK: Alright. Off we ...
BC: Momma? Why are we going so slow? At this rate, it's going to take fifteen minutes to get there!
MK: It always takes us fifteen minutes.
BC: WHAT?!?!
MK: We're not even out of the neighborhood.
{Five minutes pass}
BC: Why are we stopping? Are we there yet?
MK: People are crossing the street.
BC: Well, just run them over! Show them not to get in a two thousand pound vehicle's way.
MK: Bear, that's not very nice ...
BC: I'M A CAT! I don't DO nice! Now run them over so we can get this whole thing over with!
{Pause}
BC: Are we there yet?
MK: No. We stopped for a red light.
BC: I thought this was a DRIVE in a CAR not a STOP. More driving and less stopping!
MK: Bear, there are rules of the road that I have to follow.
BC: Says who?
MK: The police!
BC: Let me at 'em. I'll set them straight.
MK: That's kind of what I'm afraid of.
BC: One hasn't really lived until he gets a Bear smack-down. Are we there yet?
MK: A few more minutes.
{Pause}
MK: That will seem like an eternity because ...
BC: HEY! You went around a turn there!
MK: I thought you wanted to get there faster.
BC: You forget you clipped my claws so I have nothing to use to hang on!
MK: Oh, for ... fifteen minutes is TOO LONG! I barely survive!
{Pause}
MK: We're HERE!
BC: REALLY?! Aren't YOU a genius! I couldn't tell ... you know, since the car stopped moving.
{Momma and Bear walk in the front door}
MK: Hi. Bear Cat Kat for the vet.
BC: I'm going to #@$% your *&@% so good, you won't know which end is @(!*% up!
{Pause}
BC: Why does it smell like dog?
{A dog barks twice}
BC: Oh, that's just *#&@ing GREAT! I dare you to come anywhere near my carrier punk! I'll rearrange your ...
Vet tech: Let's go to room two. You have a lot to say, handsome.
BC: Phht. You should hear my sister! She's always talking and I can't get a word in edgewise!
Vet tech: Would you have really fought that dog?
BC: You better believe ...
MK: He has no problem antagonizing a dog from the safety of his carrier - but it's a different story when he's face to face.
BC: HEY! I'm not scared of ANYTHING! Put me in a room with that *^*@ dog and I'll %*!& him up!
{The dog barks from the other room}
BC: GREAT! Just like my sister! The dog never shuts up!
{The vet tech giggles}
BC: GREAT! I have Giggles McGiggly as a vet tech.
Vet tech: Let's get a weight on this handsome boy. {picking Bear up} Oh, my. You're a big boy!
BC: That's what my girlfriends say! I have a lot of those!
Vet tech: I'm sure you do.
BC: My Momma calls me her Handsome Stripe-y Pants.
Vet tech: Okay. Got a weight.
BC: WAIT?!?! Wait what?
MK: W ... E ... I ... G ... H ... T. She got your weight.
Vet tech: And you're a BIG boy!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... you're referring to my WEIGHT and not my masculine prowess? Let me tell YOU something Giggles McGiggly ... you have no room to talk about how big I am when you have a bigger doughnut butt than my Momma! And that's saying something!
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
Vet tech: Don't worry. I'm used to grumpy cats. They just don't like the vet.
BC: Wait wait wait wait wait ... McGiggles IS the vet?!? I'm SCREWED!
{Pause}
BC: For your information, I'm always like this. But you shove me in a tiny box to go to a place where I'm called a big boy and where you poke and prod me all up in my grill and insult me and disrespect me and I'm supposed to NOT be grumpy?
Vet tech: You say your sister talks a lot? Genetics.
BC: Well, she's not ACTUALLY my sister. Nope. That would be extra annoying. Not to mention I'd have to scrub my DNA with lots of bleach. If you met my sister, you'd understand.
Vet tech: Black cat? Floofy tail? I remember her! She's pretty. I think her name was Ellie?
BC: Actually, it's SMELLIE. But she also goes by Smellie Neigh, Yellie, and Smellie Belly. I bet you said she was a big girl too. Because let me tell you ... she's the size of a rhinoceros. And she never shuts up.
Vet tech: So you've said. The vet will be in in a moment.
BC: I swear. Everyone is so talkative and I can barely get a word in edgewise. And I'm SMART when I talk! I don't drivel on about ...
Vet: {walking into the exam room} Well, aren't you a big handsome boy!
BC: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT?!?! You're not exactly thin yourself!
MK: BEAR!
Vet: He certainly isn't missing any meals.
BC: Say that again to my face and ...
Vet: How's he doing?
BC: HELLO! I'm right HERE! And I talk, Dimwit! Isn't that what we're here to find out? I mean, if my Momma knew I was doing well, she wouldn't need you!
Vet: No, I'm trying to see if your Momma noticed any problems.
BC: Let's see ... problems. I have a stupid sister that never shuts up. A Boy who insists we're friends. And a Momma who crams me into a tiny box to drag me here! It took FOREVER to get here because my Momma drives like a turtle.
MK: I went five over the speed limit the entire way!
BC: As I said, she drives slow. And Giggly McGiggles here insulted me! Oh, and she tried to pass herself off as the vet! You better watch out ... she's after your job. So what can you do about my problems? I'm all ears.
MK: Would you prefer I get pulled over? Then you can hang out in the car for another fifteen minutes.
BC: Phht. I'd tell the police you cat-napped me. Then he'd haul you off to jail and I'd get a tasty whole chicken buffet. Do cops use bazookas? Or tanks? Because that just seems like a match made in ... heck, I'll get arrested if it means I get access to bazookas and tanks.
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Watch it! I don't like you like that! That's my unmentionables! You'd better respect me in the morning or I'll stick that up your butt!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Stop poking me or I'll @#(* you up!
MK: It's okay, Bear. You're almost done.
BC: I love my Momma. She's not much to look at ... she can't cook ... she can't sing ... you should see her dance ... and she often won't shut up ... and you'd better stay out of her butt trajectory when she sits down ... but she's mostly a good Momma. She brushes my teeth and clips my claws. Let me tell you ... she's got HIGH. PAIN. TOLERANCE.
Vet: I told her to brush your teeth because you have a genetic proclivity to ...
BC: So you didn't tell her to clip my claws?
Vet: No.
BC: BUSTED!
MK: Oh, for crying ...
BC: Bad Momma! BAD!
MK: If you didn't use them, I wouldn't have to clip them!
BC: I wouldn't use them if you didn't clip them.
Vet: Err ... I'll just give you two a minute of privacy ...
BC: Phht. You can just tell her the truth - that's she's being completely irrational! FEMALES!
Vet: {closing the door behind him} Bye.
BC: Look what you did! You scared the vet away! Now I won't get home any time before Smellie's raid on our food bowls.
MK: Bear ... I swear sometimes ... you're just such a ... a ... CAT!
BC: Ooooooh. That one hurt. You're a person!
{Pause}
BC: No, wait. What I said was actually an insult.
MK: But you're my Handsome Stripe-y Pants.
BC: I do have pretty handsome stripe-y pants, don't I?
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Save it for a few hours from now when I'm no longer mad at you.
MK: Deal.
Featured posts:
BC: Is it my imagination or is she getting worse? Taunting me?!?
MK: Alright, buddy. Let's strap you in.
BC: Momma? Why are we going so slow?
MK: Because I haven't started the car yet.
BC: RATS! I was hoping this was almost over. They should have a drive through vet - cats and dogs don't even have to get out of their cars!
MK: Alright. Off we ...
BC: Momma? Why are we going so slow? At this rate, it's going to take fifteen minutes to get there!
MK: It always takes us fifteen minutes.
BC: WHAT?!?!
MK: We're not even out of the neighborhood.
{Five minutes pass}
BC: Why are we stopping? Are we there yet?
MK: People are crossing the street.
BC: Well, just run them over! Show them not to get in a two thousand pound vehicle's way.
MK: Bear, that's not very nice ...
BC: I'M A CAT! I don't DO nice! Now run them over so we can get this whole thing over with!
{Pause}
BC: Are we there yet?
MK: No. We stopped for a red light.
BC: I thought this was a DRIVE in a CAR not a STOP. More driving and less stopping!
MK: Bear, there are rules of the road that I have to follow.
BC: Says who?
MK: The police!
BC: Let me at 'em. I'll set them straight.
MK: That's kind of what I'm afraid of.
BC: One hasn't really lived until he gets a Bear smack-down. Are we there yet?
MK: A few more minutes.
{Pause}
MK: That will seem like an eternity because ...
BC: HEY! You went around a turn there!
MK: I thought you wanted to get there faster.
BC: You forget you clipped my claws so I have nothing to use to hang on!
MK: Oh, for ... fifteen minutes is TOO LONG! I barely survive!
{Pause}
MK: We're HERE!
BC: REALLY?! Aren't YOU a genius! I couldn't tell ... you know, since the car stopped moving.
{Momma and Bear walk in the front door}
MK: Hi. Bear Cat Kat for the vet.
BC: I'm going to #@$% your *&@% so good, you won't know which end is @(!*% up!
{Pause}
BC: Why does it smell like dog?
{A dog barks twice}
BC: Oh, that's just *#&@ing GREAT! I dare you to come anywhere near my carrier punk! I'll rearrange your ...
Vet tech: Let's go to room two. You have a lot to say, handsome.
BC: Phht. You should hear my sister! She's always talking and I can't get a word in edgewise!
Vet tech: Would you have really fought that dog?
BC: You better believe ...
MK: He has no problem antagonizing a dog from the safety of his carrier - but it's a different story when he's face to face.
BC: HEY! I'm not scared of ANYTHING! Put me in a room with that *^*@ dog and I'll %*!& him up!
{The dog barks from the other room}
BC: GREAT! Just like my sister! The dog never shuts up!
{The vet tech giggles}
BC: GREAT! I have Giggles McGiggly as a vet tech.
Vet tech: Let's get a weight on this handsome boy. {picking Bear up} Oh, my. You're a big boy!
BC: That's what my girlfriends say! I have a lot of those!
Vet tech: I'm sure you do.
BC: My Momma calls me her Handsome Stripe-y Pants.
Vet tech: Okay. Got a weight.
BC: WAIT?!?! Wait what?
MK: W ... E ... I ... G ... H ... T. She got your weight.
Vet tech: And you're a BIG boy!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... you're referring to my WEIGHT and not my masculine prowess? Let me tell YOU something Giggles McGiggly ... you have no room to talk about how big I am when you have a bigger doughnut butt than my Momma! And that's saying something!
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
Vet tech: Don't worry. I'm used to grumpy cats. They just don't like the vet.
BC: Wait wait wait wait wait ... McGiggles IS the vet?!? I'm SCREWED!
{Pause}
BC: For your information, I'm always like this. But you shove me in a tiny box to go to a place where I'm called a big boy and where you poke and prod me all up in my grill and insult me and disrespect me and I'm supposed to NOT be grumpy?
Vet tech: You say your sister talks a lot? Genetics.
BC: Well, she's not ACTUALLY my sister. Nope. That would be extra annoying. Not to mention I'd have to scrub my DNA with lots of bleach. If you met my sister, you'd understand.
Vet tech: Black cat? Floofy tail? I remember her! She's pretty. I think her name was Ellie?
BC: Actually, it's SMELLIE. But she also goes by Smellie Neigh, Yellie, and Smellie Belly. I bet you said she was a big girl too. Because let me tell you ... she's the size of a rhinoceros. And she never shuts up.
Vet tech: So you've said. The vet will be in in a moment.
BC: I swear. Everyone is so talkative and I can barely get a word in edgewise. And I'm SMART when I talk! I don't drivel on about ...
Vet: {walking into the exam room} Well, aren't you a big handsome boy!
BC: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT?!?! You're not exactly thin yourself!
MK: BEAR!
Vet: He certainly isn't missing any meals.
BC: Say that again to my face and ...
Vet: How's he doing?
BC: HELLO! I'm right HERE! And I talk, Dimwit! Isn't that what we're here to find out? I mean, if my Momma knew I was doing well, she wouldn't need you!
Vet: No, I'm trying to see if your Momma noticed any problems.
BC: Let's see ... problems. I have a stupid sister that never shuts up. A Boy who insists we're friends. And a Momma who crams me into a tiny box to drag me here! It took FOREVER to get here because my Momma drives like a turtle.
MK: I went five over the speed limit the entire way!
BC: As I said, she drives slow. And Giggly McGiggles here insulted me! Oh, and she tried to pass herself off as the vet! You better watch out ... she's after your job. So what can you do about my problems? I'm all ears.
MK: Would you prefer I get pulled over? Then you can hang out in the car for another fifteen minutes.
BC: Phht. I'd tell the police you cat-napped me. Then he'd haul you off to jail and I'd get a tasty whole chicken buffet. Do cops use bazookas? Or tanks? Because that just seems like a match made in ... heck, I'll get arrested if it means I get access to bazookas and tanks.
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Watch it! I don't like you like that! That's my unmentionables! You'd better respect me in the morning or I'll stick that up your butt!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Stop poking me or I'll @#(* you up!
MK: It's okay, Bear. You're almost done.
BC: I love my Momma. She's not much to look at ... she can't cook ... she can't sing ... you should see her dance ... and she often won't shut up ... and you'd better stay out of her butt trajectory when she sits down ... but she's mostly a good Momma. She brushes my teeth and clips my claws. Let me tell you ... she's got HIGH. PAIN. TOLERANCE.
Vet: I told her to brush your teeth because you have a genetic proclivity to ...
BC: So you didn't tell her to clip my claws?
Vet: No.
BC: BUSTED!
MK: Oh, for crying ...
BC: Bad Momma! BAD!
MK: If you didn't use them, I wouldn't have to clip them!
BC: I wouldn't use them if you didn't clip them.
Vet: Err ... I'll just give you two a minute of privacy ...
BC: Phht. You can just tell her the truth - that's she's being completely irrational! FEMALES!
Vet: {closing the door behind him} Bye.
BC: Look what you did! You scared the vet away! Now I won't get home any time before Smellie's raid on our food bowls.
MK: Bear ... I swear sometimes ... you're just such a ... a ... CAT!
BC: Ooooooh. That one hurt. You're a person!
{Pause}
BC: No, wait. What I said was actually an insult.
MK: But you're my Handsome Stripe-y Pants.
BC: I do have pretty handsome stripe-y pants, don't I?
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Save it for a few hours from now when I'm no longer mad at you.
MK: Deal.
Featured posts:
- To read about previous visits to the vet ...
- Coordinated holding cells.
- Are we there yet?
- Bear's [beyond] bad day.
- Bear's [beyond, then NOT] bad day, Part 2.
- Meow McQuacky-Pants & Bear's Food Time.
- Bear's complained about Momma's singing and dancing before ... Imitation: the sincerest form of flattery.
What is it about the fall?! Humans seem to want to send all of us pussycats off to the Aliens this time of year. I think I saw flashy lights last night in the sky. That must've been them headed in your direction. But it sounds like you didn't let their human assistants bully you into getting aboard their flying saucer. I think they want to steal the technologies from your Sleepy Podship, Bear, and use them for their own devices and to take over the world! Tee hee hee. Winky winks.
ReplyDeleteGood! Than THEY can go to the vet next time! ~Bear Cat
DeleteI'm glad you had a fun time at the Vet Bear and at least the Vet wasn't bare Bear.
ReplyDelete"FUN?!" That's ONE way of putting it! ~Bear Cat
DeletePeeps are odd taking us to see the vet and then home again in the car. I think mom wants to go see the vet but figures she needs to take me just in case things get outta hand.
ReplyDeleteShoko
We bet you protect her well, Shoks. We bet the vet quakes in his boots when he sees you come in. ~Bear Cat
DeleteThat wasn't very nice of them to be rude about your size, Bear.
ReplyDeleteI KNOW! ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear, Woodrow knows how you feel. He's also a big, handsome boy and everyone says so. Just focus on the handsome, not the big.
ReplyDeleteMy handsomeness is more obvious than my size. I think. ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear! I need you to come with ME when I get stuffed into the PTU and hauled off to see the Vet. I get called everything but the gorgeous girl that I am. They make cracks about my generous size! Pardon moi!
ReplyDeleteAnd they have no room to talk! ~Bear Cat
DeleteTROOF if I ever read it!!!
DeleteBear, your backseat driving cracks me up! And thank you for singing my favorite song ;) --Your favorite tortie
ReplyDeleteErr ... I was supposed to be in the backseat?!? Momma put me in the front! ~Bear Cat
DeleteOh, the indignity. Claw trimming. Stabby Place visits. Will it ever end?
ReplyDeleteNO! Mommas are MEAN! ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear, you really are hysterical. Now I know what my cats are thinking when they have to go to the vet. The good thing about going is that it is so wonderful to get home.
ReplyDeleteThat is true! Home is best! ~Bear Cat
DeleteYou need a new vet. How insulting to say you are noy missing any meals and then not to let you answer the questions about you by yourself.
ReplyDeleteI KNOW! ~Bear Cat
DeleteVet visits can be trying, you handled it beautifully - MOL!
ReplyDeleteOur vet is a pro ;)
DeleteOkay Bear, I can top your rude vet with a story of my own. My vet flipped me on my back, and said I had an immature penis! Yeah! You shudda seen the Glare of Death I shot him. He laughed. Mom laughed. I peed in the carrier in the ride home. That’ll teach Mom for laughing. ~ Herms
ReplyDeleteThat's horrifying!!! I would've grabbed a bazooka and taught that vet a lesson! ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear, I do declare I think you need a diet. Now that may sound harsh, but it will put vet to shame if you look more svelte than they the next time you go in for a consult. Plus, just think of all the TV deals you could get by doing the Bear Diet. The funds could get you a tasty chicken ranch!
ReplyDeletePurrs
ERin
But if I eat all those chickens, I won't be thin anymore! Or ever, really. ~Bear Cat
DeleteThat's an easy one to solve, you only eat the thin chickens!
DeletePurrs
ERin
I love the title!!
ReplyDeleteThank you :)
DeleteAMARULA: How dare they weigh you Bear! Oh course you are a BIG Boy as in Big personality, Big intelligence and Big charisma!! NO mere human-made scale can ever capture all your intangible wonderful BIGNESS!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you ... I think. You make it easy to be big. ~Bear Cat
DeleteSo you're all good Bear? No purroblems or health issues? Glad you made it thru another yearly check up. We hate those. Big hugs
ReplyDeleteLuv ya'
Dezi and Raena
The vet said everything is normal. I told him to stop insulting me! ~Bear Cat
DeleteI hope Bear only has to visit the vet once a year. Whew.
ReplyDeletePoor MK.
This year Rufus sang LOUDLY all the way to the vet's and back. It's a 15 minute drive for us too, but it seemed like so much longer...
xxoo
No kidding! It seems like HOURS!
Delete