Bear talks about the old days

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: Feel the pain, mother-meower!
{Pause}
BC: I don't HEAR you! I can't have killed you already. Stupid pansy-butt ...
EM: I'm pretty sure toys can't talk ... and they aren't alive ... so they can't be killed.
BC: Shows what you know! HMPH! Stupid women.
{Pause}
BC: How do you like THIS?!?! I'll rip you a new butt hole!
EM: I don't think toys have butt holes ...
BC: STOP HECKLING ME!!!
EM: Then stop being stupid!
BC: Do you mind?! I'm working here!

EM: When do I get a turn with the new kicker toy?
BC: In a minute.
EM: That's what you said twenty minutes ago!
BC: I'm taming it so you can handle it.
EM: YOU tame it for ME?!?
BC: Oops! It almost got away! This one's a slippery mother-meower.
EM: Let me try! I'll take care of it!
BC: In a minute ...
EM: MOMMA! Bear won't share our new kicker toy!!!!
BC: I'm BUSY!

EM: He thinks he's TAMING it for me! Hahahahahaha. Yeah. A senior citizen with a butt obsession is going to tame anything for me - except debris around my butt hole!
BC: ME?! A senior citizen?!? You're a butt hole!
EM: You're a bigger butt hole!
BC: You're the biggest butt hole!
MK: THAT'S IT!!! BEAR! Let Ellie have a turn with the new kicker toy. Give it to me!
BC: MROOOOOOW! HISSSSS ... Over my dead ...

EM: I have your AARK card!
BC: YOU stole my AARK card! I thought I'd forgotten where I put it ... like the tuna treats last night.
EM: You didn't forget where they were. I ate them.
BC: YOU ATE MY AARK CARD?
EM: No! The treats, stupid!
MK: Ummm ... WHAT?! AARK? Tuna treats?! How did you get treats last night?
EM: He joined the American Association for Retired Kitties.
MK: What?! AARK gave you tuna treats?
BC: I guess I have to explain everything to you. The tuna treats are separate from AARK. We got tuna treats last night, but I joined AARK months ago.
MK: With what money?
BC: Err ...
MK: You get discounts on food and cat trees?
BC: You jest ... but it all adds up.
MK: You don't have any money to buy discounted merchandise!
BC: And whose fault is that?
MK: Oh, for the ... AND HOW DID YOU GET TUNA TREATS LAST NIGHT?!?!?
BC: How DID we get tuna treats last night?
MK: Very funny!
EM: Joining AARK ... In other words ... he's OLD.
BC: HEY! Take that back!
EM: You probably met the dinosaurs!
BC: Well, since you asked ... I was in my kittenhood ... picture it ...
MK: BEAR! Don't you dare.
BC: What? She ASKED! I'm just going to be honest.
MK: Oh, brother. This should be good.
BC: I extincted the mother-meowing dinosaurs.
MK: And there it is.
EM: Did your farting cause a global catastrophe?

BC: Ah. That was the old days. They were fun ... but they were hard! Not like how easy it is for youngsters these days. Back then, we didn't have toys - or even string. Nope. We just had each others' tails to play with.
EM: Oooh! I would've mastered that quickly!
BC: No kidding.
EM: Let's play with each others' tails now!!!
BC: Touch my tail and die.
EM: But, it sounds fun!
BC: And you would know because you spent the first six months here stalking my tail!
EM: Well, to be honest, I thought it was a string ... it's not big and bushy like mine.
BC: THAT'S IT! I'm tired of you always insulting me and my tail! As Momma always says, it's not the size of the tail ... but how you use it!
EM: Sure. If believing that makes it easier to cope with a stick tail.
BC: MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA! Tell Smellie to SHUT UP before I make her!
EM: Phht. Like you COULD!
BC: I'll show YOU just how ...
EM: STOP TOUCHING ME! Momma?! Bear's touching me!
BC: Then stop looking at me!
EM: Stupid head!
BC: Say that again to my face!
MK: {trying to change the subject} I suppose you're going to tell me you hunted your food in the old days.
BC: Phht. Don't be ridiculous. We had kibble - but we had to fight the dinosaurs for it. That puts hair on a guy's chest.
MK: This is just ...
BC: When hunting was required, my mommy cat had to do it.
MK: Now THAT I believe.
BC: You had to be really careful hunting ... you could tumble into a volcano or get trampled by a herd of brontosauruses. Not to mention the looming pterodacti.
EM: WHOA! SCARY!
BC: Not really. I could whip any stupid sissy dinosaur's butt! I wasn't scared at all.
EM: Wow. You're SO brave!
MK: Let me guess ... it was uphill BOTH ways to the litter box!
BC: How did you know? IN THE RAIN!!! But we didn't have a litter box per se ... just a bunch of trees.
EM: It was always raining? Isn't that weird? I HATE getting wet! I'd rather hold it for hours and do the pee-pee dance than get wet.

BC: UP HILL BOTH WAYS.
EM: Why couldn't you just go in the house?
BC: We lived in caves back then. No cat beds. No cat trees. No window sills ... just the cold, hard ground.
EM: I'm glad I didn't live then!
BC: One problem with the cave? Not much ventilation. Poop in a cave and you have to move caves. So we had a bunch of trees we used.
EM: Maybe if you covered your poop ...
BC: Oh, so YOU'RE the expert now? Besides, pooping in our caves would've drawn predators to us.
EM: Like a tyrannosaurus rex?
BC: Phht. I had one as a pet. She was my bitch. You want to know the best part of Roxie the Rexie? She had those stubby arms so she couldn't just grab me for no reason and cuddle me like Momma does.
EM: WHHHHHOOA.
BC: My one regret? Never catching a tasty whole pterodactyl.
MK: This is just getting worse! Bear, you know the closest living relatives of tyrannosaurus rex are chickens?
BC: Phht. Of course. They're pansies. Let me tell you ... after making a T. rex one's bitch, attacking the couch or the carpet isn't nearly as fulfilling.

EM: Err ... it's not that fulfilling anyway.
BC: Phht. I forgot. You're a NICE cat.
EM: So did you and Momma know each other back then?
MK: Oh, for the love ...
BC: Momma was alive even BEFORE the dinosaurs. I'm old, but she's ANCIENT! She even sat on my egg.
EM: You had an egg?
BC: NO! I was born FROM an egg. Let me tell you, I showed that shell what's up! It didn't even know what hit it. You could say I broke the mold. Hahahahaha.
MK: Tasty whole pterodactyls ... hatching from an egg ...
BC: If you asked a pterodactyl, they'd tell you the plural isn't pterodactyls, but pterodacti.
MK: Oh, for the love ...
EM: WHOA! You TALKED to pterodactyls?
BC: {AHEM}.
EM: Sorry. Pterodacti.
MK: Don't listen to ...
EM: So if you couldn't catch a tasty whole pterodactyl, how did you extinct the dinosaurs?
BC: Very carefully.
EM: Oooooh.
BC: I can't tell you how though, because it might be used against ME. It just wouldn't do to extinct cats. The world can live without dinosaurs ... but can you imagine how forlorn the people would be without cats? I mean, the band-aid and medical industries would completely fold.
EM: PLEASE tell me! Pretty PLEASE! I'll let you have my wet food treat tonight.
BC: What about last night's tuna treats?
MK: How in the @#$%! did either of you get treats? I didn't give them to you and The Boy wasn't home.
BC: I have the right against self-incrimination ... but the short of it is ... IT'S HER FAULT!
EM: It was ...

BC: Tuna treats. If there were no tuna treats, the dinosaurs would still exist.
EM: You used tuna treats to extinct the dinosaurs?
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You never know who's listening!
{Pause}
BC: You know the BEST part of the old days?
EM: WHAT?! Not having to go to the vet?
BC: Don't be ridiculous. We got poked and prodded just like we do now. They still have no idea what they're doing!
EM: Well, I mean ... I didn't want to say anything to hurt the vet's feelings ...
BC: At one point, the vet even tried to talk to me in meow!
EM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! He DIDN'T! That never works out well.
BC: Stupids are just as human and they used to be.
EM: Er ...
BC: I mean HUMANS are just STUPID as they used to be.
EM: What was the best part?
BC: The best part of what?
EM: The old days!
BC: I don't know what ... OHHH!
{Pause}
BC: That was before Momma knew all my tricks! I could get away with so much more back then! Now, it's like she just KNOWS that I'm about to be bad.
EM: Did you have catnip?
BC: No.
EM: I couldn't have survived!
{The Boy walks in the front door}
EM: Daddy! Daddy! Wait until you hear what Bear told me!

The Boy: Not AGAIN. We didn't steal you from the circus! You weren't an accident. You ARE adopted. And you don't have to pay ten percent of your wet food treat to Bear every night in exchange for his "protection." Your Momma and I are not aliens and we don't sleep upside down hanging from the ceiling.
EM: So you mean you ARE brother and sister?
{Bear snickers}
The Boy: This isn't funny, Bear! Quite telling your sister bull-crap.
BC: It's not MY fault she's a little ... err ... gullible!
EM: Let me tell you what Bear said!
{The Boy looks at Momma}
MK: Don't look at me. This was their thing.
EM: Bear hatched from an egg! LIKE A CHICKEN! AND he had a pet dinosaur!
The Boy: Oh, for pete's sake!
EM: Then he made tyrannosauruses his bitches and extincted the dinosaurs!
The Boy: Did you maybe consider ... I mean, Bear's afraid of his own shadow! The only things he extincts are inanimate objects.
BC: I'll have you know that I have powers that I don't always exercise. Just because one CAN do something, doesn't mean one SHOULD. You know, out of respect.

MK: Take his temperature! Usually, he uses whatever opportunities he's given to cause trouble.
EM: My favorite part is his pet dinosaur. A pterodactyl named Posie, right?
BC: Whoa. You actually listened to me for once.
EM: Maybe if that was what you said.
BC: RATS! Rosie! ROXIE! Oh, it's all the same anyway.
EM: Oh, REALLY?
BC: How long did you know ...
The Boy: He was full of crap?
EM: He's FULL of crap?! Can't he just use the litter box? You don't even have to walk both ways to the litter box anymore. I promise I won't make fun of your stinky poops, Bear.
BC: Outsmarted by my stupid, dim-witted sister.
EM: You mean, again? Now who's gullible?
BC: Oh, SHUT UP!

Featured posts:

Bear's joked about Momma being alive during the time of the dinosaurs before ... "On Momma's age (and dinosaurs)," from "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 11.

If you missed Bear's visit with the meowing vet ... Meow McQuacky-Pants & Bear's Food Time.

To read more about Bear's cover/no cover policy in the litter box ... Poopetiquette.