ForBEARance

July 17, 2018

BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: Momma’s fiancé
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae

BC: Meow … mrow … HIIIISSS … PUUUURRRRR … HIIISSSSSS … MROOOW! Meow … meow … HIIIISSS … PUUUURRRRR … HIIISSSSSS … (tail flips wildly). *&^%$@! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSS!
{Bear farts}
The Boy: HIT THE DECK!!! He’s going to blow!
MK: What?
The Boy: Your cat is broken …
MK: Funny how he's MY cat when he gets like this.
The Boy: Take cover! He's going to blow in a spectacular show of claws and fangs!
MK: AGAIN? I still have the scars from last time.
{Pause}
The Boy: Well, I mean, he's broken ... even for him. And steam is coming out of his ears. Maybe he’s overheating?

MK: Maybe he’s sick. He didn’t destroy anything last night. And he didn’t wake me up with a claw to the nostril this morning.
BC: Hardy har har. You all are so funny. Now if you don’t mind … I’m BUSY with important cat business.
The Boy: Our new ottoman?
BC: Phht. You underestimate me. I can see how you'd think that though ... being a slacker yourself and all. I aspire for more.
The Boy: HEY!
BC: It’s not even worth my time. All Momma has to do is sit on it, and it will be flat. Learning to delegate is one of the skills cats struggle with the most. We like to control … to get our fangs and claws in things …
EM: Speak for yourself. I’m a NICE cat. I keep my claws and fangs to myself. I don’t dig my claws and fangs in anything.
BC: You bring shame to cats everywhere. Your claws are too busy up your own butt.
EM: Because I have a huge PAIN in my butt.
BC: It’s not nice to talk about The Boy that way. If you can’t say anything nice …
The Boy: If you were more like Ellie, this house would run smoothly.
BC: You mean if I kiss up and do everything you tell me to and nothing you don’t? Don’t look now, but your tyranny is showing.
{Pause}
BC: Phht. I’m a claws and fangs kind of cat. That’s how I express my inner artiste.
The Boy: And here I thought you were just a jerk!
BC: I'm me. My standards are different from most.
The Boy: And your shark?
BC: Phht. Same thing. My shark has many talents.
The Boy: Your Momma’s an enabler. She’s put up with and loved you despite your claws and fangs so you think that’s okay.
BC: She loves me at least partially BECAUSE of my claws and fangs and my way of being me. She admires how I am me and never feel the need to ask questions later.
The Boy: Yeah. You're so stubborn that if you got the idea in your head, you'd go headfirst through a wall and then admire the Bear-sized hole afterward.
{Pause}
MK: Technically, he has gone headfirst into the wall ... he didn't go though it though.
The Boy: I didn't mean LITERALLY.
BC: That never happened! Unless the wall jumped out in my way just to mess with me. Then I'd let it know what I'm capable of.

{Pause}
BC: But back to delegating … it’s also true that if you want it done right, you should do it yourself. Even so, to keep up with my beauty sleep and rigorous sleeping and eating schedule, I frequently find myself with not enough hours in the day. A cat’s job is never done ... so much to destroy and eat and sleep and be annoying and show everyone who’s boss and look adorable. This level of awesome is high maintenance.
The Boy: Yeah. It’s your AWESOME that is high maintenance.
BC: Would you like to meet my little friends?
The Boy: We’re already well acquainted, thank you. I have no idea why your Momma continues to brush your teeth when you just use those teeth as little terrorists.
BC: WHAT?!?! I could lose my teeth?!?! That would be like the worst thing ever! Life wouldn’t be worth living! To never be able to say, “I’m the shark,” again and back it up to howls of pain.
MK: So are you going to stop fighting me when I brush your teeth?
BC: Umm… you’ve reached Bear Cat Kat. I’m not home right now. Don’t leave a message or I’ll shove that stupid toothbrush where the sun don’t shine …
EM: He thinks he’s so funny … but he always forgets the …
BC: RATS! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
{Pause}
BC: NOW! Silence in the peanut gallery! I need to concentrate.
The Boy: Ah. THAT’S why he was overheating.
BC: Oh, shut up. Who asked you?
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm … torties are … VA VA VOOM. And tasty whole chickens are, well … tasty and chickens. Enough said. Tanks and bazookas come in handy … since I have Dweeble Dumb and Dweeble Dumber to keep in line. But tiaras are pretty … and I AM Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!! Hahahahahahahaha. I don’t know. I can’t live without torties and chickens and tanks and bazookas … because for real, what’s the point? But I appreciate beauty like any other cat.

The Boy: {whispering} What’s he talking about?
MK: Sometimes it’s best not to know.
BC: Then again, life wouldn’t be life without my Momma. Yeah. I think she wins.
MK: I’m afraid to ask what I’ve won. Last time I won something with you, I had to get a shower because you barfed all over me.
BC: Phht. I was showing you how much I love you.
MK: I'm sure.
BC: You know how Smellie’s always saying things are the best things ever?
EM: What I’m doing at the time IS the best thing ever.
MK: Yes. She’s sweet and loves everything that has to do with her humans.
BC: ANYWAY. I was pondering what MY best thing ever is. You are, Momma.
{Silence}
BC: Pick up your jaw from the floor. Yes. You are the best thing ever, Momma. I love you, Momma.
MK: You are my best thing ever too.
EM and The Boy: {at the same time} HEY!
BC: Shut it, you two! Can’t you see Momma and I are having a moment?
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Yeah. Yeah. Don’t let it go to your head. Or for that matter, don’t let it go to your butt. Hahahahahaha.
The Boy: What just happened? One minute Kat was talking about Bear's ... err ... adventures and now she's telling him she loves him?! Like I said, she's an enabler.
MK: I’m better than torties, tasty whole chickens, tiaras, tanks and bazookas?
BC: Is that a trick question because ...
MK: What?
BC: Okay. Okay. I was kidding. Phht. OBVIOUSLY. You keep me in torties and tasty whole chickens. And you keep Dweeble Dumb and Dweeble Dumber in line for the most part.
The Boy: HEY! I wear the pants around here. Your Momma doesn’t keep ME in line.
BC: Yeah. Whatever you have to tell yourself. Just like with Smellie.
EM: What about me?
BC: You all pretend Ellie isn’t short for elephant … but I know better. She’s elephant-sized so that’s the only thing that makes sense.

EM: HEY! Momma said she deleted that picture!
BC: Too bad I know where she keeps the backup!
EM: My foster mom named me and the rest of my siblings after supermodels. My name isn’t short for anything.
BC: Phht. Plus-sized BOVINE supermodels. Ellie-phant. Hahahaha.
EM: Momma! Momma! Bear called me Ellie-phant!
BC: Would you prefer Ellie Vader?

{Pause}
BC: Get it? Ellie Vader … elevator. THE BOY … I am your father. Hahahahaha.
EM: COOL!
MK: Bear, that’s enough.
BC: Maybe Ellie is short for Yellie. You know how she’s always telling you off for leaving her overnight to sleep? Smellie Yellie. Bellie! Smellie Bellie! Hahahahaha.
MK: Her dancing and telling me off is one of the best parts of my day.
BC: You don’t get out much, do you?
EM: Well, Bear’s short for … for … Bear poop? OverBEARing? NO! Bar-BEAR-ian!
The Boy: Overbearing ... hahaha. That's him.
BC: Phht. That implies that there can be too much "bear." I think not.
EM: There's plenty enough to love.
BC: You LOVE me?
EM: There's plenty for MOMMA to love. Your stripe-y pants certainly don't hide how big your butt is.
BC: Leave the size of my stripe-y pants out of this!
EM: Bear is short for ... unBEARable.
The Boy: Makes sense to me.
BC: Hey!
EM: BEAR-y embarassed? BEAR-y terrorist? Forbearance?!
BC: For Bear? What's for me?
The Boy: {ignoring Bear} Forbearance is my favorite. That's probably his full name. A lot of forbearance is required for us when he's around.
BC: WHAT'S FOR ME!!?!?!
EM: NO! Bear is short for "Cross to BEAR!" Hahahaha.
BC: I'm RIGHT HERE! I can hear what you're saying. What's for me?!?! You said, "FOR BEAR!" WHAT'S FOR ME?!?

EM: Not so funny when the shoe's on the other foot, right?
BC: What's that have to do with something for me?!?! TELL ME what's for me or I'll shove my foot ...
EM: Momma claims she named him "Pooh Bear" and then dropped the "Pooh" after having to quickly get out his name so he'd stop misbehaving. Maybe she meant she shortened it from,"Cross to Bear."
The Boy: Hahahahahaha.
BC: MOMMA! They're being mean to me!!! They told me they have something "FOR BEAR," but won't tell me what!!!
MK: What did you do to them?
EM: She knows you well.
MK: I'll be back in a few minutes. I have to find something in the closet.
BC: I might not last that long!
EM: What's Daddy short for?
BC: STUPIDHEAD! Besides, that's not his name.
EM: Then what is his name?
The Boy: Don't encourage ...
BC: Dumbpoop! He's a dupe! Hahahahaha.
EM: That RHYMES with dumbpoop - it's not short for it. Besides, you know his name is The Boy.
BC: The Boy is our toy? Skilled in boy annoy-ances?
EM: {flicking her tail} Those RHYME! The Boy is not short for any of them.
BC: Don't you flick your tail at ME, young lady!
EM: Then don't be a menace. Especially toward MY Daddy!
BC: Phht. And you wonder why I choose Momma as my best thing ever. SHE understands me! SHE appreciates me!
MK: {from the other room} BEAR CAT KAT!

BC: I didn't do it!
MK: Wanna bet?
BC: Uh oh. If she asks, you have no idea where I am!
EM: What'd you d ...
BC: BYE! {running off} You didn't see which direction I went either!
EM: {seeing a ticked off Momma looking for Bear} He went THAT way!
BC: {from a region somewhere unknown to others} I HATE YOU!
EM: She looks REALLY po'd!
BC: Why doesn't anyone tell me ahead of time when it's "state the obvious" day!
MK: AHA! Found you!
BC: Oh ... HIIIIIIIIII. I didn't hear you say my name.
MK: You said, "I didn't do it."
BC: Oh. THAT.
{Momma grunts}
BC: You're my favorite! You're my favorite! REMEMBER?!?! You love me?
The Boy: He's one of a kind. He broke the mold.
BC: Then the mold shouldn't have gotten up in my face and disrespected me! I don't break anything that doesn't have it coming.
MK: I noticed. In fact, I just found your ...
BC: RATS! Stop tricking me! I'm innocent! I swear!
The Boy: Bear is short for, "Forbearance."
EM: Agreed.
BC: VERY FUNNY!!! WHAT'S FOR ME?!?!

NOTE: If you don't recognize the hot torties in the picture of Bear and his dilemma of THE BEST THING EVER ...

🐱 HOT TORTIE BACHELORETTE #1 {BOTTOM PICTURE}:

Meet Miss Mudpie from Mochas, Mysteries and Meows; she inspired Bear and Momma's infatuation with torties. Oddly enough, Melissa and Momma share a lot in common and are exactly the same age (err ... 29!)!

🐱 HOT TORTIE BACHELORETTE #2 {TOP PICTURE}:

Meet Miss Amarula from Hairballs & Hissyfits. After our initial mutual infatuation of torties, we met Amarula - and she changed our infatuation to love. Amarula's blog was a finalist for Best Pet Humor Blog at this year's BlogPaws Nose-to-Nose Awards. Amarula and Bear are the female and male versions of the same personality. Okay okay ... we suspect Amarula is actually sweeter than she portrays herself to be on her blog.

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