Momma's home

June 19, 2018

MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat

Momma's home from the Cat Writer's Conference ... what do the cats think about her being home?

MK: {as she opens the front door} I'm SOOO excited to see my babies ...
{Momma and The Boy walk in the front door}
MK: HIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Momma's home from the Cat Writer's Conference! Where are my kittens!?!
{Silence}
MK: HELLO?
{Silence}
MK: Bear? Ellie? Where are Momma's kittens?
{Momma narrows her eyes at The Boy}
MK: What did you do to them?
The Boy: WHAT?!?
MK: WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. TO. THEM.!?!
The Boy: Nothing! Why does everyone keep accusing me of that?
MK: Accusing you of what?
The Boy: Bear was convinced that I did something to you.
MK: Awww. He missed me.
The Boy: Not "aww!" He threatened me!
MK: So what did you do to him?
The Boy: Nothing! They were out here ignoring me when I left to pick you up! I swear!
MK: Where are my cats?
The Boy: I didn't do anything to them! Not that I wasn't tempted at times ... Did you know Bear woke me up one night just to threaten me by sitting on my chest and glaring at me? Then the cats started all this monkey business! They fought OVER me!
MK: Awww! They fought over you because they love you!
The Boy: NO! They literally fought OVER ... as in ... ON TOP of me. I couldn't sleep with all the "MROW"s and hisses! I've barely slept in DAYS. There was always SOMETHING.
MK: Huh. I slept well. For once.
The Boy: Because you weren't here with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb. I need a vacation. Two words. SENSITIVITY TRAINING.
BC: {from the other room} You think you can be trained to be sensitive to our needs?!

The Boy: I meant for you and Ellie to be sensitive to MY feelings and needs.
BC: {still from the other room} Phht. Like THAT would happen. We train you.
The Boy: You mean like how you ride roughshod all over your Momma. She never complains. She just lets you be your dictatorial and ornery self.
MK: In his defense, he IS cute ...
BC: {still from the other room} Yeah, you're right. You can't be sensitive to our needs.
The Boy: "Sensitive to our needs." Is that what you call what you put your Momma through?
BC: I wear the stripe-y pants around here.
EM: And yes ... they make your butt look big.
BC: Shut up, Smellie! The Boy ... you're right!
The Boy: That's what I THOUGHT ...
BC: No sensitivity training for you. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
The Boy: HEY!
MK: BEAR! Come out and see me! Please come out from your window?! I want to pet you!
{Silence}
MK: {to The Boy} I'm sorry they didn't cut you any slack.
The Boy: That's ONE way of describing it.
BC: {still from the other room} We did cut you though!
The Boy: Yeah, I remember. LOOK! I'm going to have SCARS!
BC: {still from the other room} But we were supposed to cut you slack? What's that?

The Boy: He can't be serious.
{Pause}
The Boy: Touche. You two certainly have enforcement power.
BC: {from the other room} It's not MY fault you didn't stop when you were ahead.
The Boy: I WAS NEVER AHEAD!
BC: {from the other room} Huh. You're right. You bring up the rear and are an ass. Literally. Hahahahahaha. Now if you'll excuse me ...
{Pause}
BC: {from the other room} She's ONCE {lick} ... TWICE {lick lick} ... THREE TIMES a TORTIE {lick lick lick} ... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU! {lots of licking sounds}.
The Boy: What in the ...
MK: He's singing in the shower.

BC: {to the tune of "I'm a little teapot"} Smellie Belly pig out.
Short and stout.
There is her pig tail, there is her snout.
When she gets all steamed up she will shout ...
EM: BEAR, YOU JERK!!! I'LL TAKE YOU OUT.
BC: {from the other room} Hmph. Not exactly what I was thinking ... not bad ... I mean, it's a little violent ... but it gets your general ill-temper across.
EM: ILL TEMPER?!?! ILL TEMPER?!?! I'm not the one with the attitude problem. I put up with your nonsense for almost a year before I straightened you out.
BC: Phht. As long as everything is my way, I don't have an attitude.
EM: And YOU'RE complaining about violence? You beat up anything that doesn't move ... like facial tissue boxes!
BC: I AM the shark. I like a captive victim. I'm against violence toward me.
EM: Figures.
The Boy: {trying to change the subject} While you were gone, Ellie walked around mewing forlornly and looking for you.
EM: I did, Momma! I was looking for you because I like your lap the best.
The Boy: HEY! You told me you liked MY lap best!
EM: Well, yeah. When I'm in your lap, it's the best lap ever - otherwise Momma's lap is the best lap ever.
The Boy: After all I put up with when your Momma was gone?
EM: Phht. She puts up with Bear's nonsense ALL WEEK, ALL DAY. For twelve YEARS.
BC: {from the other room} HEY!
MK: Bear?! Come out!
{Silence}
MK: I saw you in the window! Come say hi!
{Silence}
MK: PLEASE come out! I missed you!
{Silence}
MK: Are you mad because I left you with the Dweeb ... I mean, The Boy and Smell ... err ... Ellie?
BC: {from the other room} HMPH.
MK: PLEASE?!
BC: {from the other room} SERVES YOU RIGHT! I'm not coming out EVER!

MK: Pretty PLEASE?
BC: PRETTY NO!
EM: YAY! I get Momma's lap all to myself! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!
{Ellie jumps in Momma's lap where she stay until wet food treat time.}
BC: {running to the kitchen when he hears the can of wet food open} I get to go first! I get to go first!
EM: Then you should've come out eight hours ago! I already told Momma everything!
BC: I was talking about being first to get wet food. Why?! What did Smellie tell you? Because I didn't do it! You tattled on me?!
MK: I know. It was The Boy's fault.
The Boy: HEY! I didn't do anything!
BC: EXACTLY. We only got a wet food treat ONCE! In THREE nights! One word ... STARVATATION.
EM: I already told her.
BC: But ... but ... I'M the man of the house. I get first dibs on everything ... food, tattling, sharkiness ...

The Boy: I'M the man of the house ...
EM: Tell Momma how I beat you ...
BC: Yeah, right. Anyway ...
{Pause}
BC: In three days, my IQ went down by twenty points!
EM: I don't think you can have a negative IQ ...
BC: Oh, shut ... DWEEBLE.
{A look of horror crosses Bear's face and his jaw drops}
BC: Oh, that's DWEEBLE just great. They rubbed off DWEEBLE on DWEEBLE me! I feel dirty ... used ... what DWEEBLE lady cat will want me DWEEBLE now?
EM: We ... are ... FAM-I-LY ...
BC: This is the WORST day of my entire life!
MK: You said that the day I left.
BC: I know!
MK: And then last week ... twice the week before ... all the way back to the vet and I thinking you were a girl. Remember? When I called you, "Lily?"
{Ellie snickers}
BC: {GASP} You DID NOT DWEEBLE DWEEBLE DWEEBLE DWEEBLE ... ARG!
EM: I'm not so sure he's not a girl now.

{Pause}
BC: You DID NOT tell the story of how you named me ... DWEEBLE!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I'm DWEEBLING! SEE WHAT YOU DID TO ME?
The Boy: You should tell Momma just how much you missed her.
BC: I did! RIGHT in her favorite shoes!
MK: Wait a ... I thought I took them with me ... you must work ...
The Boy: BEAR! You barfed in MY shoes.
BC: Huh. Well, THAT'S a twist I didn't see coming. You see one big foot, you see them all. To-may-toe. To-mah-toe. Either would be appropriate.

The Boy: I woke up to find him sitting on my chest. His look was very menacing. And his claw was in my belly button!

EM: You mean his look was FUNNY-LOOKING? I'd like to rearrange that face. Teach him a thing or two.
MK: Aww ... were you trying to get The Boy's attention?

BC: PHHT. If I wanted his attention, I would've sat eight inches lower.

The Boy: It still hurt!

BC: I have skillz. And claws. Lots of claws.

The Boy: You don't have to tell me!

{The cats eat their wet food ... then Bear jumps on the table next to where Momma works and waits to get Momma's attention}

BC: Cuddles. Or else.
MK: Always. Come on over, Bear.

BC: I wasn't exactly asking a question.
{Bear settles in Momma's lap}
MK: So you're glad I'm home?
BC: As hopeless as you are, The Boy is worse! And he doesn't even try to understand us! He really should get that sensitivity training he mentioned.
The Boy: {from the other room} I MEANT FOR YOU!
BC: Sheesh. What's HIS problem? He acts like he hasn't slept for DAYS and I ran over his puppy.
The Boy: I HAVEN'T slept for days!!!
BC: Hmmm. Good point. But I didn't run over your puppy!
MK: Bear, you COULD be nice. He did feed you and scoop your litter box.
BC: Phht. He's not even fit to shovel my poop!
MK: Bear ...
BC: I missed you, Momma. You saved ... PURR ... my life and ... PURR ... no one is like you. I love ... PURRR ... you ... PURR ... Momma.
The Boy: {from the other room} Don't let him weasel out of this! He should be grounded for the rest of his nine lives!
MK: He's a Momma's boy! And he IS awfully cute ...

BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRR ... YEAH! ... PUURRRRR! ... I'm a MOMMA'S ... PURR ...BOY!
The Boy: That not what I'd call it!
BC: So don't mother-meowing mess with me! My Momma will beat you up!
The Boy: She's an enabler ... all you have to do is let her give you a few ear rubs and then you purr and all's forgiven.
BC: My shark disagrees that all's forgiven.
The Boy: Uh oh ...
BC: Now if you don't mind ... my Momma and I are having a moment.

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