Ellie finally has enough

June 1, 2018

EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

EM: What the ...
{Pause}
EM: Hmmm ... maybe I'm sitting in the wrong direction.

{Pause}
EM: No. That's not right.
{Pause as Ellie turns around and lays back down}

EM: How about this?
{Pause}
EM: This isn't right either!!! I just want to sit on a stupid lap and this lap is BROKEN! Now what am I going to do?

{Pause}
EM: Monkey nuts! Stupid pants! This old piece of crap!
BC: {sauntering into the bedroom} What's wrong?
EM: THIS. LAP. IS. BROKEN.
BC: HA! That one never worked right to begin with. Not enough features.
EM: But ... I want THIS lap!!!
BC: I TOLD you that you could wear a lap out! But did you listen to me? NO! I hope you're happy! You're lucky it isn't Momma's lap. That one is mine and I'll wear it out when I want to.
EM: We need a new one!
BC: HELLLLLLLLLLLLL NO. NO. MORE. BOYS. I won't have you dragging another boy in here just because you need a lap. There are less annoying ways of fulfilling your needs. Don't worry.
EM: Why?
BC: Because I have it on good authority that it won't matter because you've been evicted.
EM: LOOK! I can't find a position to make it work! Where are the hands? And the warm? Wait a ... EVICTED? From where? Daddy's lap?

BC: Don't be ridiculous. Dweebles should stick together!
EM: PHEW!
BC: Hahahaha. You put your left paw in ... you take your left paw out ... you put your left paw in and you shake it all about ...you do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around ...
EM: Help me, or SHUT UP!
BC: WOMEN! They never stop b!+ching! The problem is obvious.
EM: WHAT?!
BC: Your lap isn't in those pants!
EM: But it looks the same ... where's the lap?
BC: Who knows. The Boy is probably out Dweebling somewhere. I can help you make a lost sign!
EM: You know what Momma said about you making more signs ...
BC: Here! What do you think?
{Bear flashes his "Lost" sign}

EM: It's perfect! Oh, thank you so much! I'll certainly find my lap now! You're the best brother EVER!!!
BC: You should probably get outside and put signs up all over the neighborhood. Then walk door to door looking for ...
EM: You're right! You are so smart. And kind! I'm so lucky to have you as a brother!
BC: And I'll be sure to let you back in when you come back ...
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!!!
BC: Holy crap! She's finely honed her "spidey sense" of my misbehavior. I swear! I was going to let Smellie back in. Eventually.
EM: WHAT?!? You planned to lock me outside and never let me back in didn't you?
BC: Err ... is that a trick question?
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!!!
BC: Uh oh. My full name ... this is really bad ... I need to hide before ...
MK: {walking in to the room and seeing Bear} BEAR CAT KAT!!!
BC: RATS!
MK: BEAR!
BC: I DIDN'T DO IT!
MK: What's this sign about?
BC: I don't know anything about a sign!
MK: Here in the hall! It says ...
BC: HEY! PUT ME DOWN! This is Bear abuse! This is against my ... MROW!
MK: OW!
{Pause as Bear sees the "For Sale" sign on the wall}
BC: Oh. THAT sign. Because I just made another one for ...

{Pause}
BC: Never mind.
MK: Bear ...
BC: But everything I wrote is true!
MK: It doesn't matter!
BC: I have a sister for sale.
MK: Your sister IS NOT for sale!
BC: Not according to the latest election.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: Remember? The referendum on Smellie and The Boy.
MK: What "referendum?"
BC: YESTERDAY!
MK: You didn't tell me there was any ...
BC: HEY! I put up signs all over the house notifying voters of an election. Don't blame ME if you didn't take the time to vote. No vote. No voice.
{Bear shows Momma the sign notifying the house of the election}

BC: You snooze, you lose, Momma! SEE?!?! The sign notifying occupants of the election even says that if you don't vote, you can't complain!

MK: You offered cash in exchange for votes? Don't you think that's unethical?
BC: Well, TECHNICALLY, YOU paid the cash. YOU'RE unethical.
MK: BEAR!
BC: HEY! I was just going to take kickbacks from each voter to finance my tasty whole chicken farm. The people have spoken.
MK: "People?"
BC: Err ... I meant VOTERS.
MK: Let me see the ballot!
{Bear shows Momma a blank ballot}

BC: I did refer to them as Dweeble Dumb and Dweeble Dumber on the first version of the ballot. In fact, I had a ton already made! But then I figured the voters are too stupid to know which is which, so I spelled it out for them.
MK: Thank goodness you're not a politician thinking voters are too stupid.
BC: They ARE stupid!
MK: Bear! There's no choice to vote to keep The Boy and Sm ... ELLIE!
BC: Why would anyone vote for that?
MK: It'd be fair!
BC: Don't you always tell me life isn't fair?
MK: I should know better than to get involved in these discussions. I shouldn't even bother to try to convince you of anything.
BC: Can I get that in writing?
MK: Who voted?
BC: SEE! I knew it wouldn't last! The toys!
MK: The toys voted for Ellie to leave?
BC: YEAH!
EM: Aww. But I like our toys!
BC: They don't like you!
EM: Awww.
MK: Ellie, don't worry! Bear doesn't speak for the toys.
BC: You're right. I don't. They speak for themselves! I have twenty-two ballots voting for her to leave!
MK: And you paid each one?
BC: YOU paid each one.
MK: And this "kickback" you levied?
BC: Phht. 100%! Don't be ridiculous! The toys don't need money!
MK: And how many voted against evicting Ellie and The Boy?
BC: NONE! DUH! There's not even a box for that on the ballot!
MK: Because that's fair!
BC: You always tell me life isn't fair! It's about time I'm on the beneficiary side of that one.
EM: And why didn't I get to vote?
BC: You're not a registered voter of the Momma Kat Household.
EM: What about my Daddy?
BC: Nope. Not registered.
MK: Bear ...
BC: You're not registered either.

EM: But ... but ... the toys don't like me?! I love to play! What am I going to play with?

BC: Don't even LOOK at my tail.
MK: Ellie, the toys didn't really vote.
EM: They didn't?
MK: Of course not. Your toys can't vote.
EM: WHAT?!? You're telling me my toys aren't good enough to vote?
{Bear snickers}
MK: No. I'm trying to say they didn't actually vote.
EM: But Bear said ...
{Pause as Ellie looks at Bear}
EM: You tried to trick me!
BC: TRIED?!? Too bad I didn't get you out the door first.
MK: BEAR!
BC: You hear all this great stuff about free-range chickens ... Ellie can be a free-range-cat! Ethical! Responsible! NOT in this house!
{Ellie and Momma turn to look at Bear}
BC: Err ... I hear my Mom calling ...
EM: Your Mom's right here, dumb-butt.
BC: The OTHER one.
EM: Are you scared of me?
BC: Of course NOT!
EM: Because you should be.

BC: Uh oh. Hell hath no fury like a sister scorned.
EM: GET. BACK. HERE. I'm talking to you! You're going to sit quietly and listen while I tell you what's what. I've put up with a lot of your crap - but I've always been nice anyway. I've let you boss me around and make me the butt of all of your jokes. I let you beat me up. NO MORE. I've had enough of your crap. And it's going to end now.
BC: It's not MY fault you can't step around my crap in the litter ...
EM: SILENCE! Two can play this game. I'm going to make you sorry a catillion times over. GAME on, mother-meow-er!
BC: Technically, it's not a ga ...
{Bear sees Ellie's face}
BC: I'll just sit here quietly and listen to what you have to say.
EM: That's what I THOUGHT!
MK: {whispering} Ellie, when you're done, can you explain to me how you got Bear to listen to you?
EM: Not just listen to me ... he's my b!+ch!
BC: HEY! I'm no one's ...
{Bear sees Ellie face}
BC: Err ... I mean, yes. Yes, I am.

Featured posts: