Ellie and Her Butt-worms

EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: Ready for our nightly terror before the wet food treat shake down?
BC: Leave me alone. I need a nap.

EM: Come on! What's a night without our nightly terror before the wet food treat shake down?

BC: You mean our nightly terror BEFORE we're terrorized BEFORE our wet food treat shakedown.
EM: The ... BEFORE the ... huh?
BC: You know! When Momma brushes our teeth, brushes us, and clips our claws? How WE'RE terrorized after our nightly terror - but before the wet food treat shakedown.
EM: Ummm ... sure.
{Silence}
EM: Wanna be friends and cause trouble together?
BC: GO AWAY!
EM: Are you still mad that I ate all the kibble in your bowl?
BC: YOU ATE ALL THE KIBBLE IN MY BOWL?
EM: Err ... NO! Of course not. I saw Daddy do that.
BC: I HATE YOU!
EM: But I'm your sister!

BC: When they say you can't choose your family, they weren't kidding! You're my stupid sister who's to blame for THREE of my FOUR vet visits since you got here.
EM: I didn't mean to give you worms, Bear.
BC: Yeah. WHATEVER. I don't HAVE butt-worms. That's just you! Worms know better than to mess with me.
EM: Then I have something to learn from them.
BC: At least now I know it's not just poop that you're full of.
EM: You don't want to play with me?
BC: NO! I don't even want to SEE you! Unless the "game" is KILL. MY. ANNOYING. SISTER.
EM: I've never played that one before.
BC: GO AWAY!!!
EM: Daddy's right! You ARE grumpy. You're even grumpier than usual!
BC: I've had to go to the vet THREE TIMES because of you! IN LESS THAN A YEAR! You eat my food, steal my attention, play with my toys, and make it necessary for me to see the vet. I should send YOU to the vet and then you can tell me what it feels like! You've been nothing but TROUBLE since you moved in.
EM: That's not ENTIRELY fair. If you hadn't kept licking my butt, Momma might have felt better about not treating you for roundworms.
BC: SHUT UP!

EM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND ... speaking of us being terrorized ... if it weren't for YOU, I wouldn't get my teeth brushed, my claws clipped or my fur stolen! It's because of YOUR problems that I have to suffer too.
BC: I don't have any problems with my claws or my fur! I'm 100% awesome.
EM: You can't keep your claws to yourself! And you get regular hairballs! I have to suffer because YOU ...
BC: Phht. Like THAT'S a big deal.
EM: EVERY. OTHER. NIGHT. And you pitch a fit when it's your turn so you can't say it's no big deal.
BC: It's not a big deal for me because I'M Momma's favorite!
EM: You are not!
BC: Momma's smart enough not to mess with me. I'M THE SHARK!
EM: Oh, really? I could've sworn I heard you squealing and cursing last night when Momma clipped your claws.
BC: I. HATE. YOU. AND YOUR LITTLE WORMS TOO! Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get a nap in before the main event.
EM: We ARE pretty good at the wet food treat shakedown.
BC: GO!!! AWAY!!!

EM: Err ... I see that this might not be the best time. I'll come back later.
BC: If by later, you mean NEVER!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! HEY! Keep that paw to yourself!
EM: See? You want to play with me!
BC: Yeah. I want to PLAY with you. You can play dead ...
{Bear jumps Ellie and she squeals}
MK: BEAR! Your sister isn't a chew toy!
BC: Phht. I know THAT. She started it! Though, she makes an exceptional punching bag.
MK: BEAR!
BC: I'm trying to send her back to the vet because of me! See how SMELLIE likes it!
EM: Stop calling me SMELLIE!
BC: I call you Smellie because your butt stinks.
EM: And I thought you called me Smellie because you're a butt.
BC: Hmph.
EM: Maybe if you kept your nose away from my butt ...
BC: That's what cats do! We smell each others' butts!
EM: Oh, yeah? Then why do you lick my butt?
BC: Stop acting like your poop doesn't stink.
EM: I've only smelled your butt a few times and I learned my lesson.
BC: HEY! At least I'M not full of butt-worms ... among other things. You're full of $#!+-worms!
EM: It's not MY fault! I didn't do anything wrong!
BC: Yeah. Keep telling yourself that.

EM: It clearly works for you.
BC: Oh, shut up, Smellie Neigh!
EM: You shut up! I'm NOT a smelly horse!
BC: I hate you!
EM: I hate you more!
MK: You two guarantee that I'm never short on material.
BC: Butt-worms aren't exactly ... err ... a pleasant topic.
EM: LEAVE MY BUTT-WORMS OUT OF THIS!

BC: Hmph. You know what they say ... when life gives you lemons, join the band.
{Silence}
EM: I don't think that's what they say.
BC: OH! So now you know THEM better than I know them.
EM: No. I think it goes, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." And, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
BC: HUH. I always wondered how that makes sense. HUMANS. The thing is, that I never know whether the things they spout just don't make sense or I've got them wrong. Nonsensical either way!
EM: Maybe you should stop trying to be a know-it-all.
BC: I've got it! Your band can be called, "Ellie and Her Butt-worms!" What are their names?

EM: Whose?
BC: Your butt-worms!
EM: I don't really think I should be on a first name basis with my butt-worms.
BC: Well, if the worms are up your butt, you're probably justified in being on a first name basis with them.
EM: I don't know ...
BC: {AHEM} ...
EM: Uh oh.
BC: You know Slasher and Askancer and Chancre and Tricks-en. Vomit, Stupid, and Gonner-rhea and $#!+-zen. But do you recall…The most famous butt-worm of all?
EM: Uh oh.
BC: {to the tune of "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer"} William, Ellie's fat butt worm,
Wouldn't share his butt worm food.
And if you ever met him,
You'd know he's always in a bad mood.
All of the other butt worms used to stay far away.
They knew better than to join the butt worm fray.
Then ...
The Boy: Can you get any weirder?
BC: Is that a trick question? Or a challenge?

The Boy: Err ...
EM: I'm still not sure about being on a first name basis with one's butt worms. I wouldn't want to get attached. I mean, we did get the treatment for them.
The Boy: And I thought your Momma was crazy.
BC: OH! She IS! Especially around cats!
The Boy: Because she squeals even though there's not one other thing she'll squeal about? Or because she's obsessed and hugs them to death?
BC: The struggle's real. I've seen my lives flash before my eyes more than once.
The Boy: You don't think that's just a TAD dramatic?
EM: He's actually right about this one. A cat gets nine lives because of how many lives we lose to compulsive hugging from our humans.
BC: Yeah. I'd love to see Momma squeal at you across a room and then hold you in her lap against your will!
The Boy: She loves you!
BC: I love tanks, tiaras and tasty whole chickens - but you don't see me squealing about them or making them my teddy bear!
EM: Well, if I had a pet fish, I couldn't make any promises.
BC: You HATE water! You wouldn't cuddle with a fish!

EM: Some things are worth getting wet for.
BC: Like drowning one's sister?
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: I'll remember that the next time you step in your own poop and Momma has to give you a bath.
EM: You promised to never speak of that again! Again!
BC: You already said, "again."
EM: I meant you promised not to speak of it again, for the tenth time. And you always bring it up!
BC: You must be really desperate for friends.
EM: Maybe if you weren't such a jack-@$$ ...
BC: Maybe if you weren't full of $#!+-worms ...
EM: At least my brain isn't full of mean-ness worms!
BC: Don't talk about The Boy like that!
The Boy: Have either of you seen your Momma?
BC: Check the closet. She's been in there most of the past month!

EM: Because YOU'RE annoying!
BC: Not as annoying at you!
EM: Shut up!
BC: Shut up, Miss Full-of-butt-worms!
EM: Oh, YEAH?!?!?
The Boy: As much as I hate work ... some things are even worse. I really can't wait to get back to work so I don't have to listen to this all day. That or we need a bigger closet so your Momma and I both fit!
BC: Phht. You would if you both ate fewer doughnuts! Ellie and I would fit in the closet.
The Boy: You're right. You two in the closet makes more sense.
BC: WAIT! PUT ME DOWN! NO! I didn't mean LITERALLY! I HATE YOU! MROW!
EM: Brothers are good for one thing ... the show.

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