Do absences make the heart grow fonder?!?

April 11, 2018

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat

BC: Here, Dumbnuts! Here, Dumbnut Dumbnut Dumbnut! Come out wherever you are!
EM: Lose your train of thought again?
BC: Haha. Shut up, SMELLIE.
EM: Your imaginary friend?
BC: I'm not going to dignify that with a reply.
EM: Yep. You lost your imaginary friend, Dumbnuts.
BC: Phht. I don't have time for friends of any kind. Well, except for torties and tasty whole chickens.
{Bear sees Ellie staring at him}
BC: Do you mind?!?!
EM: Not really.
BC: Here, Dumbnuts! Dumbnuts want a cracker?!? I'll let you pet my belly!
EM: Yeah. Because THAT'S believable.
BC: Do you find it concerning that Dumbnuts disappeared? I mean ... did Momma finally kick him out? Was he abducted by aliens?!? Did he finally gather enough of our poop from scooping the litter box to reach his evil ends?

EM: You and your conspiracy theories.
BC: You're right. That's what aluminum foil is for! He's probably hanging upside down from the ceiling in the closet. He wants to suck our blood!
EM: That's a bit, "Pot, meet kettle!"
BC: I don't have time for meeting new friends. I'm on the tracks of what happened to ...
{Pause}
BC: {GASP}! The only thing that makes sense ... we're rid of him! C-E-L-E-B-R-A-T-E good times, COME ON!
{Pause}
BC: I didn't bite him THAT hard, did I?! Pretty cool to think I could put a dude in the hospital! NO! I chased him off! All that biting and barfing and pooping and being ornery and cantankerous. I showed HIM! WHOOOOOAAA. It WORKED!
{Bear surveys his domain}
BC: Wait a ... he was always good for a couple rubs when I jumped on his desk! And I could vent my furry fury and bite him! Now what am I going to do? My furry fury will get all clogged up and I'll explode.
EM: COOL! I want to see that!
BC: This sucks. Who am I going to bite now?
EM: Don't even think about it. I'm not your chew toy.
BC: If The Boy isn't home during the day, who's going to scoop our litter box during the day?
EM: Ummm ... HELLO! Momma used to scoop it ... she's still here!
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: Err ... I mean, "YAY!" Though it would've been fun to have a party.
EM: Daddy got a new job and he's not working from home anymore.
BC: Phht. "Working." Well, if The Boy didn't leave - at the very least - I guess we're not stuck with her royal grabby weepiness in the wake of that mess. You should've seen it last time The Boy changed his mind ... she'd just grab me out of no where and cry into my fur! I had a hairball from all the licking I did to decontaminate my fur!

EM: Maybe you walked across his keyboard one too many times ...
BC: How ELSE am I supposed to show him my sexy buns?!?
EM: Sexy is not the word I would use.
BC: Handsome pants?
EM: I was thinking something more in line with the SIZE of your buns.
BC: Phht. Leave my size out of it. You don't see me going around reminding you how barn-sized you are, do you?
EM: ... Or maybe he just got tired of being your chew toy.
{Ellie walks in the litter box}
EM: WHAT?!?! THAT'S IT! I'm so tired of you never covering your business! I swear! I have to step around your crap enough as it is OUTSIDE the litter box. Everywhere I step around here ... your bull-poop!
BC: Well, EXCUSE ME if it's your time of the month.
EM: You better hope Momma doesn't hear that. She HATES it when people reduce women to that. Like the women don't have reasons to be upset! Oh, NO! We'll just call them crazy because it's that time of the month.
BC: Maybe it's HER time of the month? Then again, she doesn't need an excuse to be mean.
EM: Well, TECHNICALLY, she clips our claws and brushes our teeth for our own good.
BC: Yeah. Keep telling yourself that. At least I know the stinky poop side of the litter box from the NON-stinky poop side! You just go in there and toss the contents around like it's amateur hour! No wonder The Boy abandoned you.
EM: My Daddy didn't abandon me!
BC: Then where is he?!?
EM: He'll come home .... you just watch.
BC: At least Momma will be home. Bite or cuddle on demand.
MK: Ummm ... next week, I'll be gone for the Conference.
BC: The "effortlessly embarrassing Bear" Conference? The "I'm going to stalk your cat" Conference? The "I'm going to act crazy and totally make my cat look like a goober" Conference?

MK: Yes. That one.
BC: Though Smellie IS a goober, so all is not lost.
EM: HEY! Momma can speak for me all she wants. I'm proud to be her precious princess!
BC: Don't you think I should warn people?!? At the very least, I want some fine print and a disclaimer that what you do isn't a reflection on me.
EM: That's a little harsh, don't you think?
BC: Look at her!
EM: Well, I don't know about ...
BC: She has "chump" written all over her! And some, "I chase random cats like a crazy woman," and a little, "I try to talk to animals in their own language." Not to mention, "Around cats, the only thing I can think to say is, 'AWWWWWWWWWW!' and a bunch of other non-coherent nonsense." Oh, and who can forget, "I'm AWKWARD!"
EM: Hmm ... I see what you mean.
MK: HEY!
BC: I really don't like you going.
MK: Because you love me and want me here?
BC: Hahahahahaha. As if. No. You embarrass me. But I don't want to be left with the Dweebles either. Last year was bad enough when I was left with The Boy. But now I'm outnumbered! I'll be dweeble-fied for sure! Or they'll sell me into slavery.
EM: SLAVERY?!? Hahahahahahahaha. When was the last time you worked?
BC: {mockingly} When was the last time you ... BITE ME!
EM: No. I'm a NICE cat. I don't bite ... I don't even bite annoying brothers.
BC: But I'm your favorite brother though, right?
EM: That's one word for it.
BC: Awww!
{Bear notices Momma is working on something}
BC: When are you going to start packing for your flatulence?

MK: Excuse me?
BC: No. That's what you say AFTER flatulence. Hahahahaha.
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: When are you going to pack for the Conference?
MK: Flatulence sounds nothing like Conference.
BC: But it's appropriate, isn't it?
MK: How do you figure?!?
BC: All the flat pets walking around ...
EM: Flat pets can't walk! They're just cut out pictures on a solid backing!
BC: {sigh} Must you always heckle me?!? You know what I meant. Flat pets ... FLATulence. Duh.
MK: Huh.
BC: Not to mention all the hot air of passionate humans.
MK: It's not like that at ...
BC: My BOOTY is CALLING! And you're answering!
MK: Not this again!
EM: What?!?!
MK: Bear thinks a booty call is farting.
EM: As much as that makes sense ...
MK: I've tried explaining things to him more than once.
BC: Phht. I know what a booty call is. My booty's calling, are you answering?
MK: {sigh} I'm not home.
BC: RATS!
EM: {to herself} Dumb-@$$.
BC: Wait a ... WHAT'S THAT?!?! Oooh! A bug!!! You're mine!
EM: What?!?
BC: Walk away Ellie. I've got this under control.

EM: Look at how bushy and beautiful my tail is! SEE?!?
BC: If you don't get that out of my face, you'll lose it. {SNIFF SNIFF} Huh?!
{Pause}
BC: Is that tuna?!? Why do you smell like ...
EM: HEY! Stop SNIFFING me, weirdo! Keep that tongue to yourself!

BC: Hahahaha. Momma says that ALL. THE. TIME. ... to The Boy!
EM: I don't ...

BC: BUG!

EM: There's a bug on me?

BC: No! I just got distracted for a few seconds there. Nice try distracting me so you'd get the bug all to yourself. Walk away, Smellie. This doesn't concern you.

EM: But I want to hunt the bug too! We can work together.

BC: I don't think so. It's MY bug. I saw it first!

EM: But I want to play!

BC: No. You can't eat my bug.

EM: What?!?

BC: You'll eat anything.

EM: I won't eat the bug, I promise!

BC: Get off my table.

{Pause}

BC: RATS! Where did it go?!? Great job, Smellie! You distracted me and the bug flew away! It's got to be here somewhere ...

BC: Don't worry, Momma! I'll get it!
EM: {from the chair next to the table} What about me?! I want to help too!
BC: Are you STILL here?!
EM: You said to get off your table ... so I did! You didn't say anything about the chairs.
BC: Phht. You think you're a cat because you point out technicalities ...
EM: No. I'm a cat because I take advantage of them. Now where's the bug?
BC: Don't worry your not-so-pretty big head. This is a job for a tough as nails princess with a slightly demonic streak.

EM: Umm ... ME!
BC: YOU. Phht. SHUT UP, Smellie! Can't you see I'm trying to focus? I have to pay close attention to nab the bug!

EM: I want a bug!

BC: This one's mine! Go find your own bug!

EM: That's not fair!

BC: Now. Where was I?!?

{Ellie jumps on the table}

BC: Stupid sisters! How can I be a ruthless bug hunter when I have to smack my sister down!

EM: We'll work together! Then we'll braid each others' fur and sing songs and talk about torties and have so much fun!

BC: Is there any chance YOU might find a job outside the home?! Actually, could you find another home?!? And stop pestering me. Like NOW?!?!

EM: Well, SOMEONE lost his bug and is grumpy because of it. Or is it your time of the month?! Hahahahahahaha.

BC: And I was worried about not having anyone to bite during the day when The Boy's at work!

EM: HEY! MOMMA! HEEEEEELLLP!!! Bear's being mean to me!!! He's trying to bite me! All because he lost his stupid bug!

BC: Not TRYING ...

EM: OWW!

BC: I'm the SHARK! Naaaah NAH. Naaaah NAH. N-AH N-AH N-AH ...
EM: KNOCK IT OFF! OWWW! BUG!
BC: Hardy har har. Calling me a mosquito again? Yeah, I might be just as annoying, but I'm not a mosquito, I'm a SHARK!
EM: NO! Behind you! YOUR bug! It's back!
BC: Where?!? I knew it would come back for feline brutality 102, intermediate savage takedown, and a can of whoop-ass. I'll teach that stupid bug a lesson. Run along, Ellie. What I'm about to do to this bug is unspeakable and will give you nightmares.

{Bear looks around}
BC: Where's my bug?!? {turning back around} Smellie! Where's my bug ... {noticing Ellie isn't next to him anymore} where are you!?
EM: {from the safety of the other room} NOW who's the goober?
BC: I don't get it. The bug's a goober? How can you tell?
EM: {from the safety of the other room} The bug isn't back!
BC: WHAT?!? You tricked me?
EM: Why don't you just stick to what you're good at: booty calls.
BC: Hahahaha. MOMMA! My booty's calling!
{Silence}
BC: Momma?!? Where are you hiding?
MK: {seemingly through the wall} I'M NOT HOME!
BC: RATS! I'll have to try again later.

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