MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
EM: Ellie Mae
BC: VROOM! VROOM! You're going DOWN! I have your number ... and it's ZERO! I'm going to mop your @#% with my *!@$ and then *#*@ your @#%. Prepare to be ... err ... YOU SUCK!
MK: Trash talk? In the middle of the night? Please tell me you aren't fighting the facial tissue box again ...
BC: EXACTLY. My opponents are trash!
MK: Opponents?
BC: On your mark ... get set ... GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MK: What the ...
BC: Neeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr {CLICK!} { CLICK!} NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER ...
{Pause}
BC: Neeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr {CLICK!} { CLICK!} NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER ... GET OUT THE WAY! GET OUT OF THE WAY! ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Watch where you're going! Watch where you ...
{THUNK!}
BC: OW.
The Boy: That was my face!
BC: Huh. I'm pretty sure it was your butt. Same thing!
The Boy: Hahaha. VERY funny.
BC: You cut me off!
The Boy: I was sleeping! I didn't even move!
BC: Phht. Same thing! You cut me off.
The Boy: Cutting you off and sleeping are NOT the same ...
BC: Six of one ... half cousins of another.
The Boy: That's NOT the say ...
{Pause}
BC: PHHHHHHHHH-POOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW! KA-BOOOOOM! KAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-POW!
MK: BEAR! It's FOUR AM!!! What the heck are you doing?
BC: My car blew up.
MK: Your what?
BC: My CAR! The Boy cut me off and forced me off the track ... KABLOOIE!
MK: You don't have a car!
BC: {pointing} Then what's this?
MK: Air?
BC: Hahahaha. VERY funny. Have a little imagination!
MK: So what are you imagining?
BC: Racing.
MK: In circles on our bed ... WHILE WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP?!? Can't you take it somewhere else?
BC: Might as well reap the benefits of you eating so many doughnuts!
MK: Excuse me?
BC: Mountains and valleys! This is the scenic track!
MK: Oh, for crying ...
The Boy: You act like this is the Daytona 500.
BC: HARDLY. Maybe the NIGHT-ona 6.
MK: So you DO realize it's nighttime?
BC: Does eating all those doughnuts make you dumber? What's The Boy's excuse? It's DARK outside!
MK: I'm going to regret this ... but why "6?"
BC: This is the short track. Not a whole lot of room. VERY perilous! With all the ups and downs ... it's easy to mess up and end up on the floor! Or needing to be scraped off a sleeping person.
{Pause}
BC: VROOM! VROOM!
MK: BEAR! Are you on crack? IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!
BC: It's 4am. Technically speaking, if one designates midnight as the middle of the night, you know ... MID NIGHT ... MIDDLE of the night ... your assessment is incorrect. And if you consider the middle of the night as half-way through your sleep, it's DEFINITELY not in the middle since you go to bed at 1am.
MK: Close enough! You didn't answer my question! ARE YOU ON CRACK?!?!
BC: I keep telling you! I might lick Ellie's butt ... but I don't inhale! What do you take me for?
The Boy: {GROAN} {to himself} ... crack ... butt ... and he calls US stupid. He acts like he knows everything but misinterprets or doesn't get everything.
BC: From now on ... just call me NASCAT!
EM: {walking into the bedroom} More like NasBRAT!
BC: Who asked YOU, Smellie?!?!
The Boy: Nas-fat!
BC: Who ask ...
MK: That's enough!
BC: You tell 'em, Momma! TAKE THAT! No one makes fun of Momma's handsome boy! Mess with me again, and my Momma will kick your butts!
MK: FOR ALL OF YOU!
BC: {looking to The Boy} What's HER problem? You're right ... women are crazy! One minute you're having an intelligent conversation and the next she's yelling at you like you brutally killed her puppies!
The Boy: I DID NOT say ...
MK: Why the sudden love of NASCAR?
BC: Well, one of my favorite torties loves NASCAR, so I thought I'd impress her. Everyone knows the way to a girl's heart is through her ... her ... err ... transmission? Instrument panel? Drip pan? Dip stick? Suspension?
MK: You might want to brush up on your car facts.
BC: Phht. What do car facts have to do with being the fastest cat in the ... in the ... aww, you know what I mean!
EM: I think you meant FATTEST cat instead of FASTEST.
BC: SERIOUSLY, Smellie?!? If you don't SHUT UP soon, you're going to regret it!
EM: Oh, yeah? What are you going to do? Sit on me? AGAIN?!
BC: Really? REALLY?!?! YOU'RE going to mock my weight? When you loaf it, you're almost exactly round. And don't tempt me ... I'll sit on you any time.
EM: At least I don't look like a melt-y furry meatloaf.
BC: I keep telling you ... I'm FLUFFY! What's YOUR excuse?
MK: Do we really have to do this right now?
The Boy: I'm going back to sleep.
BC: I'm getting the idea that you don't like my festivities in the middle of the night!
The Boy: Because it's NIGHTTIME.
BC: Congratulations there, genius! It's not my fault you two are wet blankets! Fuddy duddies! Party poopers!
EM: Pooper parties? They don't put on a party when they poop ... at least not like you do! Singing ... dancing ... your poops are events! Not to mention the toxic fallout.
BC: Thank you.
The Boy: He just doesn't get it.
BC: Phht. You act like it's a crime to play Hide the Mousie in the middle of the night!
The Boy: It is ... if you bury the mousie under the sleeping humans!
BC: HEY! I said I was sorry!
The Boy: You said you were sorry ... but because you couldn't get the mousie up my nose.
BC: Same thing.
The Boy: Not really.
BC: What's so wrong with Wombat Combat? Or Pissy Sissy Sister? Would you prefer midnight karaoke?
MK, EM and The Boy: {all at the same time} NO!
BC: Hahahaha. My pooping song was EPIC!
MK: Oh, nonononononnoNONONONO!
EM: To be honest ... that one was better than "She's ONCE! TWICE! THREE TIMES a tortie!" Who thinks about one's girlfriend while pooping!?!? It's somewhat insulting!
BC: Hey! I sing about torties while I poop because pooping time is time to think about my plans.
EM: What plans?
BC: For one, I came up with the NASCAT idea while pooping ...
EM: The poop didn't only land in the litter box ...
BC: ... and I also came up with a plan to rid my other favorite tortie of her fleas.
MK: She doesn't have fleas!
BC: Same thing! They're parasitic dolts, they're annoying, and they suck her dry!
MK: Frodo and Zulu aren't fleas! They're her brothers!
BC: To-MAY-toe ... to-mah-toe. Same thing!
MK: Brothers and fleas are the same thing?
EM: {snickering} You can say THAT again!
BC: Brothers and fleas are the same thing!!!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! Err ... I mean ... SOME of them are ... but pooping is the perfect time to contemplate the important questions in life. Who let the dogs out and did they ever get back inside? Which came first ... the chicken or the pot pie? If a cat poops in the woods and there is no one around, should he cover it? How did Big Bird get so big? What do inquiring minds want to know? Pooping is also the perfect time to devise plans designed to maximize the tortie-licious lovins! But back to my EPIC pooping song ... {AHEM}.
MK: Not AGAIN! Don't you DARE!
BC: {to the tune of "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel"}
Oh! Pooping, pooping, pooping,
I make it out of $#!+,
And when it's nice and juicy,
In the litter I will sit.
MK: {sigh}. Isn't it bad enough that you skewer Christmas songs?
BC: I'm expanding my repertoire to offer a more ecumenical experience!
MK: Technically, ecumenical means encompassing several different Christian churches. The Dreidel song is Jewish.
BC: Same thing!
MK: No, it's not! Stop saying that! Though it IS true that the pooping song has been in my head for TWO days!
The Boy: You've been SINGING it too! Having to put up with Bear singing it is one thing ... but you?!?!
MK: Same thing! {turning to Bear} You're a pain in my ...
BC: {AHEM} Now, for midnight ... err ... I mean four fifteen am karaoke ... 🎶 la la 🎶 la la la 🎶 la la 🎶 !
MK: NO KARAOKE! You've kept us awake six nights this week with your nonsense!
BC: Make that seven!
{Pause}
BC: {AHEM} {to the tune of "Bad to the Bone"}
On the day I was born, the torties all gathered 'round,
And they stared with lust and awe, at the stud they had found.
A ginger minx told them to leave me alone,
She could tell right away, that I was bad to the bone.
Bad to the bone.
Bad to the bone.
B-B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-B-Bad
Bad to the bone.
{Pause}
BC: Torties are made for trouble, for that I am blessed.
Torties like bad boys with prison stripes and I'm the best.
Come closer sexy, I want to be owned by you alone,
I'm warning you one more time, that I'm bad to the bone.
Bad to the bone.
B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-Bad
Bad to the bone.
{Silence}
BC: You're welcome!
The Boy: Oh, for PETE'S sake ...
BC: Good idea! TADA! We're now at the part of the program where I'm taking requests and dedications ... for Pete it is!
MK: Oh, brother.
BC: For him too!
The Boy: It's bad enough he wakes us up ... but having to put up with the inanity and asininity ... sometimes, it's just too much and I want to run screaming as far away as possible ...
BC: PLEASE?!?! Don't let the door hit you on the back side on your way out. BYE!
The Boy: I said I WANT to run screaming.
BC: Same thing.
{Pause}
BC: RATS! No. You're right. Not really. Not AT ALL. I'm screwed! And not by torties either!
Featured posts:
- To read more about Bear's skewering of Christmas songs ...
- Heavy artillery {and Christmas} (2017).
- Bear's Christmas (2016).
- Christmas: Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat Style (2015).
- "On tasty reindeer (part 2 - Christmas day)," from "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 15 (2015).
- Bear's changed a number of songs to suit him ...
- Bear's Christmas.
- Christmas: Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat Style.
- "On tasty reindeer (part 2 - Christmas day)," from "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 15.
- Kitty Diva or Pop "Tart?" {The blow-out performance of "I'm too sexy" song}.
- How to get to Bear's food bowl.
- Bear, While Momma Sleeps.
- Tiger's Pride. {The "I feel pretty" song}.
- The flea party.
- Bear's adoption application.
- Get ready to crumble.
- Bear: The Musical.
- I did.
- I'm the sea mammal.
- The international chicken incident.
- Things that make you go hmph ...
- Younger siblings SUCK!
- Surreal greatness, part 2.
- Heavy artillery {and Christmas}.
- And a crab cake with a tortie.
- We discussed Bear's litter box peculiarities in ...
- Poopetiquette.
- "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 17, "On Bear's daily poop routine."
- "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 18, "On Momma's cleaning day - part 1."
- "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 19, "On elimination activities."
- Chickpocalypse.
- They've landed.
- Bear doesn't mind waking Momma up ... it usually happens at least once a night and he always has a reason (or ten) ...
Oh, we luff our middle of the night activities too. Go Bear! We bet you can get up even more speed tonight.
ReplyDeleteI'm working on it! ~Bear Cat
DeleteHehehe we all love our Night time activities don't we?Happy New Year to you all,xx Speedy
ReplyDeleteHehehehe. Yes. We are masters of the night! ~Bear Cat
DeleteMidnight runs and songs... what fun ! Purrs
ReplyDelete"fun" ... that's ONE way to describe it :)
DeleteHappy New Year, Bear!
ReplyDeletePurrs xx
Athena and Marie
Thank you!
DeleteBear...we would get along just fine. Yesterday I slept allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll day. Just as the old folks headed to bed
ReplyDeleteI was awake. But in my almost 16 years I have learned not to bother them most nights.
Hugs madi
Humans get so grumpy! I just don't get it! ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear, you'd love hanging out with Manny and Chili Bruce! You'd be running, and running, and running...
ReplyDeleteUmmm ... I'll send Ellie instead! ~Bear Cat
DeleteOhj it is great fun to go wild at night. Every now and then we do the same thing. Just tear through the house.Well done Bear. Have a good day.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I'm a real party kitty ;)
DeleteMust be a real barrel of laughs at your house at night, Bear! Your humans must be so sleep-deprived. :)
ReplyDelete"Barrel of laughs" ... that's ONE way to describe it ;)
DeleteAround here, all the fun stuff happens during the night. ;) Happy New Year to all of you!
ReplyDeleteTRUE!
DeleteNo more anchovies for you, Bear!
ReplyDeleteWHAT?!?!? How's THAT fair?!? ~Bear Cat
DeleteAMARULA: Oh Bear!!! I am blushing!! You are so right, we torties love the badies are you are BAD to the bone, indeed!! I so often envision you in leather! Wink! Wink! So happy you care about my "flea" infestation problem! Brothers!?? What is your mom thinking!?? As if I could ever be related to those simpering, itch-inducing wretches! PS You can sing to me about your poop or while you poop anytime you want!
ReplyDeletepps Bear can indeed toss Ellie in with Frodo! The two would probably get along great!
DeleteHahaha. They deserve each other! ~Bear Cat
DeleteYou're the purrfect girl for me, Amarula! Leather?!? Count me in!!! ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear, you could go a lot faster on the human body race track if you didn't explain yourself so much to the humans! We've given up explaining things to them . . .now we just run all over them while they sleep and knock things over so they have something to do when we wake them up!! ;p
ReplyDeleteMalou and Levon , the critters in the cottage xo
So wise! The humans won't ever get it anyway! ~Bear Cat
DeleteOops! We forgot to say , Happy New Year! We hope 2018 proves to be as wonderful as your past year with the additions of The Boy and Ellie Mae :) We love you too and appreciated your kind words of support this past year.
ReplyDeletethe critters in the cottage xo
Thank you!
DeleteBear, your song is making me feel weak in the knees!!! Hey, Daytona is less than 50 days away...wouldn't it be fun if we could watch together? --Mudpie
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling ... every time I see your picture, Miss Mudpie ;) ~Bear Cat
DeleteHmmm....we suspected Mudpie might be the Tortie Bear was trying to impress! "Festivities in the middle of the night" would not be favored around here either. Thank goodness Sam is a black cat and not a Tortie. We wouldn't need Bear giving her any ideas! :)
ReplyDeleteJan, Wag 'n Woof Pets
I'm bad to the bone ;) ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear tell your Mama to be happy you wait til 4am............I start at 2:30 am and I DO NOT STOP.........Love, Cody catchatwithcarenandcody
ReplyDeleteHehehehe. We show them! ~Bear Cat
DeleteThose torties get your hear racing Bear!!!
ReplyDeleteI have excellent taste ;) ~Bear Cat
DeleteI bet lots of torties (and maybe a ginger or two) swooned at the signing of your Bad to the Bone song.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, did you figure out if a cat poops in the woods and there is no one around, should he (or she) cover it?
Happy New Year, Bear, Ellie, MK, and The Boy!
Swooning is good ... but will I get laid?!? ~Bear Cat
DeleteFirst of all, we are so sorry we've been so absent lately! We want to make sure that we tell you that we hope you all had the merriest Christmas ever, and that your 2018 is full of happiness and blessings aplenty! Second, we were so happy to come here today and get a Bear concert! Will you be going on tour anytime soon, Bear?
ReplyDeleteI'd tour if there's a tasty whole chicken farm in it for me! ~Bear Cat
DeleteHmmm...I think you need to work on the way to a girl's heart. It's definitely not her transmission! MOL!
ReplyDeleteAre you sure?!? I can't really ask The Boy ... ~Bear Cat
DeleteOh my mouses! OH MY MOUSES! Your house is... CRAZY!!! Nearly as crazy as mine. EXCELLENT work, my friend. Excellent! PURRS.
ReplyDeleteAnd there's only TWO cats here! ~Bear Cat
DeleteWell, I have to thank you Bear. I never knew why Flynn had to charge around on top of me at 3am, now I know he was driving his race car. And thanks too for the ear worm. Will I ever get Bad to the Bone out of my brain?
ReplyDeleteMy Momma gets all my songs scrambled up in her head ... for some reason, the pooping song is especially sticky :) ~Bear Cat
DeleteSorry we haven't been around and commenting. TW claims she has little time and the longer blog posts get the shaft no matter how much I love them. I bet she wouldn't even be reading MY posts. Hey Bear, can I still wrap my paws 'round your engines? MOL! That was a Bruce Stringbean joke.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay ... we wouldn't read our posts either! At the least, we'd skim.
DeleteI have heard of singing in the shower, but not while pooping :)Wishing you all a happy and healthy new year!XO
ReplyDeleteI like to try new things :) ~Bear Cat
DeleteAh well this is the thing humans forget......our clocks are different to theirs. Night time is quite acceptable to play and be fed. That’s why I get my own toys and now have a food dispenser to save the human lethargy affecting my meals. Still as it’s tgd onlt exercise they get, I would recommend you carry on at 4am, as I do. Mol
ReplyDeleteToodle pips
ERin
And they're so stubborn! "It's NIGHTTIME!!! We need to sleep!" Phht. Like THEIR needs are more important than ours! ~Bear Cat
Deletehappee new yeer two ewe bear, ellie, MC and de boy; heerz ta happee nezz healtheez N grazz oh plentee ...
ReplyDeletewell, may bee noe grazz for mom N dad....lezz itz leegull wear ewe live !! ☺☺♥♥
Hehehehehe. Thanks!
DeleteHi Guys! I sure thought I'd commented from my tablet, but I guess the comment dd not stick...I came by to wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR and here are my wishes for You
ReplyDeleteMay you have--
12 months of HAPPINESS
52 weeks of FUN
365 Days of SUCCESS
8750 hours of GOOD HEALTH
52600 minutes of GOOD LUCK
and
3,153,600 seconds of JOY!
with Love
Barb and Marvelous
We love it. THANK YOU!
DeleteAh Bear, ya' think you'd be more 'purreciated. Big hugs and good luck.
ReplyDeleteLuv ya'
Dezi and Raena
EXACTLY! ~Bear Cat
DeleteWell, I sure bet my Tortie neighbors would like you Bear. Maybe I'll have Mom show a picture of you to them. One is an experienced nature girl and the other is just thinks she's attention starved. I don't think a Bear could have too many Tortie loves do you? Then there's Mudpie. She's a real doll and I bet she's a Bear fan, too. Paw high fives!
ReplyDeleteNope. Never enough torties! ~Bear Cat
Delete