On a scale of one to ten

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

MK: Snuggles?!?

BC: Ooooh! I LOVE snuggling with my Momma! I'm a snuggly Momma's boy!

{Bear jumps on the bed}

BC: Oof! And Ellie's not here!!! Score one for me! GAME! SET! MATCH!

MK: She's not that bad, Bear.

BC: You say that about The Boy too. Let's just say the neighborhood isn't what it used to be.

MK: They really aren't that bad, Bear.

BC: So you keep saying. Are you trying to convince yourself?
{Pause}

BC: Then again, you're not at the very top of the list of things I want to cuddle with.

MK: But ...

BC: HOT tortie ... a whole heck of a lot of HOT TORTIE ... pretty ginger girl ... tortie jumping out of a crab cake ... tortie ... ginger girl ... tasty whole chickens ...

{Pause}

BC: But you're in the top ten!

MK: Fantastic.

BC: Oops. I missed a couple. Never mind. HEEEELLLLLL-O tuna! And ...

MK: WHAT?!?!?! Not even in the top ten?!?

BC: But when you consider that I'd rather cuddle with you than with Smellie or The Boy ... that kind of makes you first on a day-to-day basis.

MK: Yeah. THANKS.

{Bear circles one way, then the other}

MK: Just sit down already! And stop whacking me in the face with your tail!

BC: Before I can settle in, I must be sure that you're aware of your place in this relationship.

MK: Cushion? Chew toy? Staff?

BC: Mosquito. Hence whacking you in the face with my tail.

MK: You're still walking in circles on my chest, Bear!

BC: I'm just trying to get comfortable! I mean, those doughnuts are good for something ... PADDING! You used to be a bit ... bony.

MK: Being bony? You've never had that problem.

BC: Haha. NOT. I will, if you keep me on the sister diet and the bad food diet! I'm on the verge of starvatation!

MK: Bear, we just tried a new kibble. You ate it before you realized Ellie didn't like it.

BC: She knows something I don't know! Why would I want food SHE doesn't want?! There's a reason you call her Ellie Belly! She's a garbage disposal and will eat just about anything - including YOUR COOKING! Thus, the sister diet. She eats EVERYTHING. Except the new kibble. She's built like a tank! Have you noticed that everything flattens as she walks over it?

MK: You're still walking in circles on my chest, Bear! You really want to say that while you're walking around on top of me? Because you're not exactly a feather.

BC: But there are a billion factors I must take into account before I settle in.

MK: Wind direction? Magnetic fields? Phase of the moon? The zodiac? How empty your food bowl is? Whether you pooped already today or not?

BC: Phht. As if it were that simple. We cats can calculate the EXACT best spot with a minimum of effort. We're just BORN knowing how to plug the factors in to the equation.

MK: So when you're turning in circles, you're performing the calculations ... it's the equivalent of a computer working or calculating?

BC: Don't be ridiculous. The circles? That's just making an entrance.

MK: Your paws feel like little knives stabbing my internal organs.

BC: But then you can't ignore me, right?! Nope. As you wince, you get to admire me from all angles. Bear Cat in full stereo. Captive audience.

MK: Full stereo? Captive audience? Sounds like our car ride to the vet last month.

BC: And don't forget making an entrance!

MK: You could've just kept your mouth shut and the dogs wouldn't have known you were there.

BC: Loud and proud ... CAT RULE!

MK: Kind of easy to be a tough guy protected in a plastic carrier with holes and grating small enough that dog paws wouldn't fit through.

BC: Phht. That's what bodyguards are for.

MK: My list of jobs just grows.

BC: At the same speed as your list of incompetencies.

MK: You have SUCH a hard life.

BC: THANK YOU FOR NOTICING!

MK: You go around bragging to anyone who'll listen about your little friends ... but you need a bodyguard?!

BC: My twenty-two points are fierce. But why get my paws dirty with unnecessary violence?

MK: Excuse me?!?! Unnecessary violence?!?! I'M THE SHARK!?!?!? Biting the back of my leg while I'm standing at the counter?

BC: Captain Stripe-y Pants NOT at your service! 🎶 M'ow mo'w MO'W! 🎶

MK: Oh, for the ... is this another scheme intended to land a tortie girlfriend?

BC: Keeper of the furry fury!

{Pause}

BC: Defender of ... of ... err ... MYSELF!

{Pause}

BC: Boy toy to torties everywhere!

{Pause}

BC: Able to kill tasty whole chickens with a single bite.

{Pause}

BC: Holder of the twenty-two points.

{Pause}

MK: Shredder of furniture? Biter of blinds? Attacker of anything that moves?!? Generally ill-tempered?

BC: I'M THE SHARK! FANGS AWAAAAAAAAAAY!

MK: Grounded well into his ninth life?

BC: You ruin all my fun!

MK: And "SP?" More like "scared-y puss." "Surly problem?" "Scornful puker?" "Super plump?" "Sourpuss and portly?"

BC: Aren't you just ... NOT funny. You have nothing better to do than heckle me?!

MK: I could ask you the same thing.

BC: Phht. Speaking of ruining my fun ...

{Pause}

BC: Let's say one shot his sister with a bazooka ... would that get him in trouble?!?

MK: BEAR!

BC: Okay, exactly HOW MUCH trouble would one be in if he shot his sister with a bazooka? On a scale of one to ten?

MK: NO. Bazookas. Though I'm curious ... why a bazooka?

BC: Ellie ... err ... some sisters are built like tanks.

MK: BEAR!

BC: WHAT?!?! I'm asking for a FRIEND!

MK: Yes. He would be GROUNDED and in lots of trouble.

BC: What if said sister ran off to join the circus because the friend told her she could be shot out of a cannon? Would he be blamed for that?

MK: YES!

BC: Well, that's not entirely fair! It's not HIS fault his sister is a moron! How much trouble? On a scale of one to ten?

MK: Your friend should be very careful otherwise he might find himself grounded due to this conversation.

BC: Can one sell his sister to a catburger meat factory?

MK: NO!

BC: "No, he can't sell his sister?" or "No, that's a horrible idea?"

MK: BOTH!

BC: I wonder how much a catburger meat factory would pay? I mean roughly of course ... enough for a tasty whole chicken farm? And how do they determine the amount paid? Pounds of fat?!

MK: So help me ...

BC: What if I ... err ... my friend, shot his sister with a dart gun?

MK: BEAR!

BC: Okay, exactly HOW MUCH trouble would one be in if he shot his sister with a dart gun? On a scale of one to ten?

MK: Where do you come up with this nonsense? A dart gun?

BC: Well, you know ... sometimes I wish Ellie came with an off button.

MK: Sometimes I wish YOU came with an off button! If a cat does any of this, he'll be grounded.

BC: What if I ... err ... HE was ALREADY grounded for the rest of his nine lives? Is that really any additional punishment? Because I'm thinking if the cat is already screwed and can't be punished anymore, he might as well take his chances.

{Silence as Momma thinks}

BC: Don't hurt yourself. Oh, for the simple life of the humans! If that is the hardest question for you to answer, you clearly don't ponder the truly challenging issues of our age.

MK: Like?

BC: What came first, the chicken or stew?

MK: EGG?

BC: Is that some weird tic?! You just blurt out random words?!

MK: NO! The saying is, "which came first, the chicken or the egg."

BC: What's that have to do with stew then?!?

MK: EXACTLY!

BC: Eggs-actly?

MK: {groans}. What challenges beleaguer the lives of cats?

BC: Where to nap. One must consider wind direction, traffic patterns, noise, comfort ... Pooping. Is it going to be a stinky poop or a non-stinky poop? And if it's a stinky poop, one must consider the human's availability to scoop in a timely manner. The ratio of litter to the size of the box. If there are other deposits ...

MK: Maybe you just make life more complicated than it has to be. You can sleep all day and don't have to worry about anything!

BC: Just because you don't understand the challenges of cat-hood doesn't mean that they don't exist. And the reason why cats nap so much is because of our grueling intellectual activity. Besides, if I slept all day, I'd wake up ravenous. HELLLLLLL-O! NOT very smart!

MK: So are we going to snuggle or not?

BC: Be patient, woman! Can't you see I'm working here?!?!

MK: If you walk in circles for too long, you're going to fall over. AGAIN.

BC: That didn't happen!

MK: Which time?

BC: Oh, shut up!

{Pause}

BC: {snuggling up to Momma} I love you, Momma.

MK: I love you too. Though sometimes I swear you've got like a million personalities.

BC: If I claimed to have a million personalities would I globally still get in trouble if one of my personalities shot Ellie with a bazooka?

MK: I thought you said you were asking for a friend.

BC: Uh ... YEAH. His sister is named Ellie too! Now quit talking! It ruins snuggle time when you blather on inanely.

MK: {sarcastically} I love you too.

BC: Snuggling with you isn't so bad ... you know, relatively ... since you're not even in the top ten of my desired snuggling partners.
MK: {sarcastically} You sure know how to make a Momma feel good.
BC: You're welcome!

Featured posts:

You may find Bear's game of, "I'm the shark," explained in ... I'm the shark and The chicken. Since that time, The Boy has borne the brunt of Bear "THE JAWS" Cat ... Bear Cat originals and No Boys Allowed!
To read more about Bear's vet visit last month ... Bear's [beyond, then NOT] bad day, Part 2.
To read about the complexity of Bear's litter box decisions ... Poopetiquette.
Bear's attitude and destructive tendencies were best described in The contest.