BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma KatDaily conversation - The cat-ocalypse:
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BC: THE END IS NEAR!!!! THE END IS NEAR!!!
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{CRASH!!!!}
{THUNK}
{SKITTERING CLAWS}
{THUMP}
BC: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!
{CRASH!!!!}
{THUNK}
{SKITTERING CLAWS}
{THUMP}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! THEY'RE AFTER ME! THEY'RE AFTER ME! I'M GOING TO DIE! I'M GOING TO ... OOF!
{Pause}
BC: Oh. Hi, Momma.
MK: You ran into my leg.
BC: Well, I mean ... I know I was running like my tail's on fire ... OH CRAP! MY TAIL'S ON FIRE!!!
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
MK: BEAR!
BC: {stopping} What?
MK: Your tail IS NOT on fire.
BC: Why would my tail be on fire?
MK: What have you been doing?
BC: Can't we keep on ONE topic, here?
MK: Why is the world ending?
BC: Oh, THAT. Well, the cat's holy book, "Holey: Fangs, claws and meows," gives nine signs of the end of the world. NINE SIGNS, Momma. One for each of a cat's lives. And they're HAPPENING!
MK: Okay ...
BC: Sign one ... the smelly poop to end all smelly poops. Holy cat crap! I could barely stand to stay in my litter box to finish pooping!
MK: Okay.
BC: Sign two ... our butts being touched.
MK: Umm ... noooo.
BC: I wasn't finished! Sign three ... they come for our fur. Sign four ... they baptize us in foul tasting water. Sign five ... they pry our mouths open to rip our teeth out one-by-one.
MK: BEAR!
BC: What now?
MK: After you pooped, you jumped on my lap and I decided to use the opportunity to do your beauty routine.
BC: I was hanging upside down!!!
MK: Well, yes, I noticed you had a glob of smelly poop still on your butt and I didn't want it to get smeared on me as I was taking care of you so I grabbed a wipe to wash it off.
BC: Everything's about YOU! YOU TOUCHED MY UNMENTIONABLES!
MK: I wiped your butt, Bear. It took less than a minute.
BC: {GASP} Unmentionables aren't made mentionable by mentioning them, Momma!
MK: {sigh} And then I brushed you ... washed your chin with the acne pad ... and brushed your teeth. It's not the end of the world, Bear. This happens every day.
BC: Maybe it's not the end of the WORLD to YOU! But I feel violated! And abused! And mistreated! Maltreated! Man ... err ... Momma-handled! Mishandled! Misused! Tortured! Tormented! Ill-treated! Ill -used! WRONGED! You touched my unmentionables! And stole my fur! And ... and ... {shudders} I'm too traumatized to even remember everything!
MK: What are the last four signs?
BC: What signs?
MK: YOUR signs!
BC: Which ones? I've made A LOT of signs!
BC: THE END IS NEAR!!!! THE END IS NEAR!!!
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{CRASH!!!!}
{THUNK}
{SKITTERING CLAWS}
{THUMP}
BC: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!
{CRASH!!!!}
{THUNK}
{SKITTERING CLAWS}
{THUMP}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! THEY'RE AFTER ME! THEY'RE AFTER ME! I'M GOING TO DIE! I'M GOING TO ... OOF!
{Pause}
BC: Oh. Hi, Momma.
MK: You ran into my leg.
BC: Well, I mean ... I know I was running like my tail's on fire ... OH CRAP! MY TAIL'S ON FIRE!!!
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
MK: BEAR!
BC: {stopping} What?
MK: Your tail IS NOT on fire.
BC: Why would my tail be on fire?
MK: What have you been doing?
BC: Can't we keep on ONE topic, here?
MK: Why is the world ending?
BC: Oh, THAT. Well, the cat's holy book, "Holey: Fangs, claws and meows," gives nine signs of the end of the world. NINE SIGNS, Momma. One for each of a cat's lives. And they're HAPPENING!
MK: Okay ...
BC: Sign one ... the smelly poop to end all smelly poops. Holy cat crap! I could barely stand to stay in my litter box to finish pooping!
MK: Okay.
BC: Sign two ... our butts being touched.
MK: Umm ... noooo.
BC: I wasn't finished! Sign three ... they come for our fur. Sign four ... they baptize us in foul tasting water. Sign five ... they pry our mouths open to rip our teeth out one-by-one.
MK: BEAR!
BC: What now?
MK: After you pooped, you jumped on my lap and I decided to use the opportunity to do your beauty routine.
BC: I was hanging upside down!!!
MK: Well, yes, I noticed you had a glob of smelly poop still on your butt and I didn't want it to get smeared on me as I was taking care of you so I grabbed a wipe to wash it off.
BC: Everything's about YOU! YOU TOUCHED MY UNMENTIONABLES!
MK: I wiped your butt, Bear. It took less than a minute.
BC: {GASP} Unmentionables aren't made mentionable by mentioning them, Momma!
MK: {sigh} And then I brushed you ... washed your chin with the acne pad ... and brushed your teeth. It's not the end of the world, Bear. This happens every day.
BC: Maybe it's not the end of the WORLD to YOU! But I feel violated! And abused! And mistreated! Maltreated! Man ... err ... Momma-handled! Mishandled! Misused! Tortured! Tormented! Ill-treated! Ill -used! WRONGED! You touched my unmentionables! And stole my fur! And ... and ... {shudders} I'm too traumatized to even remember everything!
MK: What are the last four signs?
BC: What signs?
MK: YOUR signs!
BC: Which ones? I've made A LOT of signs!
MK: {sigh} You present a good point. I should keep the paper and pens out of your reach.
BC: Hmmm ... that's NOT one of the signs of the kitty apocalypse ... the cat-ocalypse.
MK: Wouldn't a cat-ocalypse be an apocalypse brought on by cats?
BC: If you don't understand, I can't explain it to you.
MK: Okay, okay. But what about the last four signs of your catocalypse?
BC: Sign six ... we get tasty whole chickens.
MK: You don't have a tasty whole chicken!
BC: You just HAVE to rub it in, don't you?
MK: No, I just meant ...
BC: The Boy brought home a tasty chicken the other night! He just didn't let me have any! But I think it still counts. Even if it wasn't whole.
MK: It was fried chicken!
BC: It counts, Momma.
MK: That explains why you sat there looking at the chicken as if it was the kitty messiah.
BC: What do YOU know about Rufus?
MK: Rufus?
BC: The kitty messiah! He has thumbs! And HE comes after the ninth sign to usher in the cat-ocalypse.
MK: {sigh} Okay. The seventh sign?
BC: We lose our tables!
MK: What?
BC: My table's gone!!! I can't sit there anymore and stare at you while you work JUST to annoy you! I tell you! It's the end of the world!!!
BC: Hmmm ... that's NOT one of the signs of the kitty apocalypse ... the cat-ocalypse.
MK: Wouldn't a cat-ocalypse be an apocalypse brought on by cats?
BC: If you don't understand, I can't explain it to you.
MK: Okay, okay. But what about the last four signs of your catocalypse?
BC: Sign six ... we get tasty whole chickens.
MK: You don't have a tasty whole chicken!
BC: You just HAVE to rub it in, don't you?
MK: No, I just meant ...
BC: The Boy brought home a tasty chicken the other night! He just didn't let me have any! But I think it still counts. Even if it wasn't whole.
MK: It was fried chicken!
BC: It counts, Momma.
MK: That explains why you sat there looking at the chicken as if it was the kitty messiah.
BC: What do YOU know about Rufus?
MK: Rufus?
BC: The kitty messiah! He has thumbs! And HE comes after the ninth sign to usher in the cat-ocalypse.
MK: {sigh} Okay. The seventh sign?
BC: We lose our tables!
MK: What?
BC: My table's gone!!! I can't sit there anymore and stare at you while you work JUST to annoy you! I tell you! It's the end of the world!!!
MK: Ah. Yes, it became The Boy's desk in the other room.
MK: But I gave you a chair!
BC: It's not the same!!! It ruins EVERYTHING!!! And you didn't even ASK me!
MK: Bear, can The Boy use your table as his desk?
BC: NO!
MK: Okay.
BC: So I get my table back?
MK: No. But now you can't say I didn't ask you.
BC: I HATE YOU!!!
MK: Ooookay. I'll leave you alone.
{Momma walks out of the room and squeals from another room}
BC: What the ...
MK: Oh my gosh! Thank you! This is the best gift ...
BC: {walking into the room} {GASP!} WHAT IS THAT?!?!?
MK: The Boy got me a teddy bear for Valentine's Day! And this really sweet card!
BC: Excuse you while I BARF a little.
{Pause}
BC: {GASP} IT'S THE EIGHTH SIGN!!!! Cats will be replaced!
{Pause}
BC: {GASP} IT'S THE EIGHTH SIGN!!!! Cats will be replaced!
The Boy: Well, I thought since she likes bears ...
BC: Excuse you ... WHO ASKED YOU?
The Boy: I didn't mean it like ...
BC: Are you STILL here?
The Boy: Well, I mean I live here now, so ...
BC: You just HAVE to rub it in, don't you? First you take my table! Then you bring home a tasty chicken and don't let me have any! And THEN you try to replace me with this ... this ... charlatan! This ... this ... inferior piece of ...
{Pause}
BC: Wait a minute ... does he have stuffing?
MK: Oh, no, you don't!
BC: {sniffing around} It's Gary!!!
MK: Excuse me?
BC: You're excused.
MK: No, I meant Gary who?
BC: My alien! That bear is Gary in disguise!
MK: Oh, for the love ...
The Boy: Who's Gary?
BC: My Momma didn't tell you about Gary?
The Boy: WHAT!?!?!?
BC: He's lived here for about six months.
The Boy: There better be a good explanation ...
MK: Gary is the made up alien Bear blames all his messes on.
BC: He's NOT made up! You've seen the messes Momma, that means Gary and Larry must be real.
The Boy: Wait, wait, wait ... Larry? Who's Larry?
BC: Not a real bright one are you?
MK: BEAR!
BC: Do de do ...
MK: HEY!
BC: Who me? I mean there are TWO Bears around here now so you should be more specific.
MK: You're grounded.
BC: It's my birthday! You can't ground me on my BIRTHDAY!
MK: Uh oh.
BC: You FORGOT!
{Pause}
BC: AGAIN! I should be eleven, but with the number of times you've forgotten my birthday, I'm still a kitten!
MK: That's not entirely fair, Bear. We don't know exactly when you were born. I just adopted you on October twelfth and the vet estimated you were about eight months old ... so we don't really know.
BC: THE NINTH SIGN! Humans forgetting our birthdays!
MK: Oh for the love ...
BC: It's over. I'm toast! I'm cat-caked! I'm doughnuted! {GASP} You're snuggling Gary like you do me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BC: I hate BOTH of you!!!
MK: You hate the bear?
BC: No. Well, yes. I was speaking of you and The Boy ... but the bear makes three. I hate all three of you!
The Boy: Bear-Bear! Let me pet you! Bear-Bear! Here Bear-Bear!!
MK: Come here, Bear! I want to pet you!
BC: {looking between The Boy and Momma} These IDIOTS are my choices?
{Pause}
BC: I'M SCREWED!!!! It's the end of the world!
Featured posts of the day:
- To read more about the Boy, the breakup with whom leveled Momma to an inconsolable blob:
- "The Boy" was introduced in The boy.
- Bear meets "The Boy" in Tom, Dick and Harry and The interview.
- Bear and Momma discuss her relationship with The Boy in Annoying giggliness.
- Trouble in Boy-land was revealed in Less talk-y and more scratch-y.
- A brief reunion in The Boy Returns.
- Bear lays down the law for future boys in Tough love.
- Momma's sadness at the breakup is the topic of FAT CAT RATS.
- Bear tried to help Momma feel better about the break up in Bigger Band-aids.
- More boy sadness ... Evil bunny day and Again.
- Bear forbids future boys in Momma's resolutions.
- The Boy comes back in The negotiation.
- To read the posts associated with Bear's signs (in the same order as the list of pictures):
- Thanksgiving {kind of}.
- Poopetiquette.
- The ignominious scandal.
- How to get to ...
- The name game.
- The custody "arrangement."
- Drawing the line.
- Wear your tail loud and proud (Bear post).
- Momma's resolutions.
- Momma shaming.
- TMC ISO TWC.
- Momma's resolutions.
- I'm the shark.
- How to get to Bear's food bowl.
- Imitation: the sincerest form of flattery.
- Don't embed on me.
- And your little teeth too.
- Curious about Gary and Larry, Bear's "aliens?"
- Gary and Larry were introduced in "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 20 {"On Gary and Larry (and Bear's unique take on April Fool's Day)"}.
- Gary and Larry return in "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 27 {"Incatnating Bear (Gary and Larry - part 1)," "The lobster (Gary and Larry - part 2)," "The drinking game (Gary and Larry - part 3)," and "* * * - - - * * * ,"} and They've landed.
- For more on the stuffing saga ...
- KABLOOIE!!!,
- The stupidity allowance,
- The Santa ship sails, part 2,
- Bear's Christmas,
- Momma's resolutions, and
- Bolt Cathack Returns.
- To read more about Bear's spot on the table, from which he likes to watch Momma work ...
- What's wrong with this picture?,
- The Santa ship sails,
- "On wanting (and annoying Momma)," from "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 14,
- "On disgruntled discontent," from "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 20,
- "On the final 'v,'" from "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 24.
- Past discussions of Bear's pooping habits {antics} ...
You have a very complicated life, Bear. It sounds absolutely exhausting!
ReplyDeleteIt is! Thank you for noticing! ~Bear Cat
DeleteHI Bear, seems like you have a great opportunity for extra cuddles, what with another Bear in the house, and a Boy peep too, both beginning with 'B'. Maybe you could do a deal with the boy, in exchange for getting your table back? Purrs, Erin
ReplyDeletePS Very Happy Bearthday to you Bear, I hope you get double, nay treble the presents now there are three of them....
I should ... and I didn't! Someone's going to pay for this! ~Bear Cat
DeleteHmmm, we get chick-hen every day and our Mom touched our sister's... um, backside this morning. When should we become alarmed, Bear?
ReplyDeleteChicken? EVERY DAY?!?! I'm moving into your house!!! ~Bear Cat
DeleteWe believe you! We are sure Garry and Larry are real!! Sometimes they even come to our house and do bad stuff like scratch the couch!!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately that's one thing I haven't been able to blame on Gary and Larry because I like scratching the couch right in front of my Momma's face too much ;) ~Bear Cat
DeleteOh dear, now you have Larry, Gary the teddy bear, and the Boy to keep track of? You'll have your hands full, Bear, but since you're a master, we have faith that you'll come out on top! Oh, and my furry ones are asking where they can get some of those shirts for this humans of theirs to wear...
ReplyDeleteOf course, by hands full, I mean paws full. Forgive me, my human brain can only handle so much.
DeleteIt took me FOREVER to make all those signs by paw! It's so unfair that us cats were blessed with superior intellect ... but no thumbs! ~Bear Cat
DeleteI hope your Momma hides that bear or he is going to end up like the comforter. That was nice of her to clean your butt- you wouldn't want to lick that. :)
ReplyDeleteHmph. MAYBE. Don't worry ... that bear is on my HIT LIST!!! ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear, I think you would find life at our house much more quiet and less exhausting. Although my Mommy has been known to wipe kitty butts too. (Not mine, mind you.) --Your favorite tortie
ReplyDeleteHmmm ... I need your address! ~Bear Cat
DeleteTiagra Bear? Do you have erect tail dysfunction pal? Oh yes, the end is near....down by the tail!
ReplyDeleteI have to admit ... since seeing Simon's tail, mine's looking pretty meager! ~Bear Cat
Delete
ReplyDeleteNow you have the girls here wondering what would happen if they were to take Tiagra!
Bear, that stuffed bear looks as though it needs a good destuffing...we suggest you get to work;p
the critters in the cottage xo
Working on it. He's at the very top of my hit list ... ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear, you are just one busy young man cat. Wow, we are exhausted just from reading about all your activities. We think the stuffed bear is cute though. Take care.
ReplyDeleteA cat's work is never done ... especially with a boy around! ~Bear Cat
DeleteOh, you are so right about not mentioning the unmentionables! PS, our Mom thinks the stuffie bear is very cute.
ReplyDeleteWhat is it with the human women? Give them a stuffie and they go all soft and giggly. SHEESH! I'm MUCH cuter! ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear, we have to say you are the most expert sign maker we have ever seen. You should sell some of them. :)
ReplyDeleteFor my tasty whole chicken farm!!! BRILLIANT! ~Bear Cat
DeleteYou lead a very tortured life, Bear.
ReplyDelete{sigh} I know. ~Bear Cat
DeleteHappy Birthday Bear! You really need to tone down the drama queen. You could get a reputation that you'll have to live up to.
ReplyDeleteA reputation? You mean as a tough guy, right? The mancat who puts him paw down and sinks his fangs into human flesh. Yep. That's me! ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear...you totally crack us up. Nonetheless...Happy Birthday and Happy Valentine's Day to you and your momma. XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo and Cooper Murphy
ReplyDeleteI love to hear that! Happy Valentine's Day to all of you, too! ~Bear Cat
DeleteOh Bear, we're sorry da boy be back. With all our purroblems we must'a missed somethin', cuz we thought your mommy was movin' on. We're 'specially sorry dat he moved in. Ain't nuffin' worse than dat so soon. We do hope this time goes better fur your mommy. We've got our paws crossed. We wish you a happy birthday and hope your day is filled with luv and extra cuddles. We're sendin' lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteLuv ya'
Dezi and Raena
It was all very sudden ... but I haven't seen my Momma this happy in a long time. And if he hurts my Momma, he better run REALLY fast! ~Bear Cat
DeleteWow, lots of changes going on there, Bear! I hope you can survive! Or, I hope the humans can survive what you're likely to put them through! :-) Now that you're older and wiser, maybe you'll tone it back a bit, but I doubt it! Happy belated birthday!
ReplyDeleteThank you! Of course I'll survive! Hmph. Feel sorry for the other people. Worst case? I'm under the bed! ;) ~Bear Cat
DeleteBear dude, surely it's not the end of the wurld, surely not, I've got another huge adventure planned and the Cat-Ocolypse would just get in the way, can mew have a quiet wurd to Rufus if mew see him and tell him that later in the year is better? MOL Oh and mew weren't the only one to have a cuddly toy pop up on Tuesday, I do believe there is some great conspiracy at wurk, we should defo confur more about this phenonomanom-nom but obviously in private! MOL
ReplyDeleteBestest purrs
Basil & Co xox
Great plan! If the cat-ocalypse MUST happen, surely they can wait until after my wet food treat time, right? ~Bear Cat
Delete