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Poopetiquette

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat

 Daily conversation - Poopetiquette:
MK: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
BC: What are you doing?
MK: Sleeping!
BC: RATS! I was hoping you were awake ...
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ...
{Pause}
BC: You can't talk in your sleep!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Or DO you?
MK: Excuse me?
BC: Last night, while you were asleep, you promised me some tasty whole chickens!
MK: I did not.
BC: DID TOO!
MK: Never mind.
BC: You also promised me a chicken cannon.
MK: Bear ...
BC: And a bazooka!
MK: Tasty whole chickens, a chicken cannon, AND a bazooka sounds like a huge mess.
BC: I'm a cat. Messes are what we do.
MK: What else did I promise you?
BC: Is this a trick question?
MK: What? How would that be a trick question?
BC: I'm not making this up, Momma!
MK: I never said you were.
BC: Oooooh! Does that mean I'm getting tasty whole chickens? And a chicken cannon? AND a bazooka? 
MK: Ummmm ... no.
BC: RATS! If you'd really promised me those things while you were asleep, would I get ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
MK: It's okay, Bear. I already knew I didn't promise those things.
BC: Why not? Every cat needs all three of those things!
MK: For what?
BC: For ... for ... umm ... CAT stuff!
MK: Like ...
BC: You wouldn't understand ... because you're not a cat!
MK: {sigh} Why did you wake me up, Bear?
BC: I didn't wake you up!
{Pause}
BC: Well, maybe a little ...
MK: How do you wake someone up "a little?"
{Pause}
BC: Back to the matter at paw! I have to poop!
MK: Okay. You know where the facilities are.
BC: I can't poop in my litter box.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: I can't poop in the box with the litter.
MK: Why not? You pooped there yesterday ... and the day before that ...
BC: The side I need to poop in has a slightly higher level of litter.
MK: Okay. Poop on the other side.
BC: {sigh} I can't!
MK: I'm going to regret this ... but WHY NOT? You poop there all the time!
BC: Because this is a STINKY POOP. Stinky poops all go in the west side of the litter box.
MK: Oh for the love of ... you don't see me walking around the toilet to find the perfect spot before I have to go.
BC: Well, yeah. But you're satisfied going in WATER. Clearly you have few scruples about where you stoop to poop. I follow poopetiquette.
MK: Bear. You have a HUGE, JUMBO-SIZED litter box. FIND A SPOT AND POOP!
BC: I need to level the litter. You were lazy last time you scooped and you didn't even it out right!
MK: Okay. You like to dig. You have two front paws.
BC: NO! When I do it, it's not EVEN like when you use the scoop.
MK: Are you kidding me? Now you won't poop in your litter box if the level of litter isn't even?
BC: NO! I also won't poop a stinky poop in the non-stinky poop side! And I have my cover/no-cover decision-making process.
MK: Your WHAT?
BC: RATS!
MK: You mean whether you cover or not isn't random?
BC: Phht. Nothing's RANDOM, Momma. Well, except for maybe half of the stuff you blab about. But cats aren't random ... we're a higher life form.
MK: A higher life form licks its own butt?
BC: You REALLY have to get over that. You spend more time thinking about my butt than I do.
MK: Maybe because your butt is what I'm used to seeing.
BC: You're just jealous that YOUR butt isn't as small and as cute as mine.
MK: Could this conversation get any weirder?
BC: Do you want to see my decision-making chart?
MK: I just HAD to ask ... didn't I?
{Pause}
MK: Bear! Based on this chart, you hardly ever cover your business! There's only a very narrow portion that you bother to cover.
{Pause}
MK: Hmmmm.
BC: And you call me simple!
MK: I can't believe you have a chart.
BC: It's an important decision!
MK: For a cat maybe. I can't believe you WOKE ME UP because of uneven litter.
BC: If you really loved me, you wouldn't expect me to poop a stinky poop in an unevenly scooped litter box!
{Momma and Bear stare at each other}
BC: Fine. I can hold it.
{Pause}
BC: Hmmmmmmmmmm. {GRUNT}. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. {GRUNT}.
MK: {rolling over to go back to sleep} We don't need the sound effects, Bear.
BC: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. {GRUNT}. Well, fine. I don't know how you can go back to sleep when I have to poop and you haven't evened out the litter!
{Pause}
BC: Hmmmmmmmmmm. {GRUNT}. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. {GRUNT}.
MK: Okay! OKAY!!! I'll even out the @#$%! litter! 
{Momma gets up, evens out the litter ... then walks back to bed}.
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MK: BEAR!
BC: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
MK: Hey! That was my warm spot on the bed! I thought you had to poop!
BC: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
MK: I can't believe I fell for this AGAIN! In the SAME WEEK!

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31 comments

  1. The Daily Pip November 16, 2016 at 5:55 AM

    Oh good grief, Rosie read your chart and now she is off making her own. I think you may have started something, Bear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)November 16, 2016 at 8:02 AM

      I always caution cats not to listen to me because I'm grounded well into my ninth life ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. ShariNovember 16, 2016 at 7:12 AM

    Yous are funnys!!

    Luvs,
    Rose ~ The adult kitten


    ReplyDelete
  3. The WhiskerattiNovember 16, 2016 at 7:36 AM

    Son, you have high standards. We're very impressed. PS you look very comfy tucked up in bed like that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. My Mind's EyeNovember 16, 2016 at 9:46 AM

    You are too cute for the cute meter!
    Hugs madi your bfff

    ReplyDelete
  5. Brian's Home BlogNovember 16, 2016 at 10:22 AM

    That makes sense to me Bear. Hey you're the Poopanator!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)November 16, 2016 at 11:12 PM

      I like that! My previous favorite was "crapper" as in "cat rapper" ... dropping more than beats ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. The Swiss CatsNovember 16, 2016 at 2:49 PM

    We're impressed by your decision-making chart ! We would never have thought that pooping could be so complicated ! Purrs

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hairballsandhissyfits.comNovember 16, 2016 at 3:07 PM

    Amarula, Zulu and Frodo now all want their own poo charts!! http://hairballsandhissyfits.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. Memories of Eric and FlynnNovember 16, 2016 at 3:44 PM

    You have a lot of decisions to make when you poop! I always cover because mine are so stinky that I nearly knock myself out. (Mum thinks it is the pills that make them stinky). That was good work getting the warm spot in the bed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)November 16, 2016 at 11:10 PM

      I've had lots of practice with both stealing the warm spot AND pooping ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. AnonymousNovember 16, 2016 at 4:26 PM

    Oh Bear, me won't go ifin da pawdee box isn't purrfectly clean and all litter level either. MOL Big hugs to you both.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
  10. Melissa, Mudpie and Angel Truffles (Mochas, Mysteries and Meows)November 16, 2016 at 5:42 PM

    Oh Bear, this is one of your best ones yet! You know what I try to do with my poop? My litter pan is in front of a furnace vent so I scratch at the vent while I'm covering it up...Mommy says it's not a poop shoot though :( --Mudpie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)November 16, 2016 at 11:09 PM

      Thank you. Oooooh. A POOP SHOOT ... this gives me IDEAS ... ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  11. Cat and DOG Chat With CarenNovember 16, 2016 at 6:15 PM

    Bear you are so silly! Now I have to see if Cody poops on the East or West side of the box ;)
    xoxo
    catchatwithcarenandcody

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (Katherine Kern)November 16, 2016 at 11:08 PM

      It's an important decision!!! ESPECIALLY when we're talking about stinky poops. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  12. RobinNovember 16, 2016 at 7:59 PM

    Manna and Dexter would agree with you about the litter box situation, Bear. They have very particular needs when it comes to poop. If it is a super stinky poop, they make sure to do it in the bedroom litter box while Dave and I are sleeping (or about to go to bed).
    -Purrs from your friends at www.PlayfulKitty.net

    ReplyDelete
  13. pilch92November 16, 2016 at 8:57 PM

    You are too funny Bear. My angel Stinky earned her name by never covering :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Marvelous MarvNovember 17, 2016 at 8:23 PM

    Bear, mes got one word for yous....
    SALMON!!!
    Its BETTER than chicken because:
    1. Stinkier Poop (which means peoples scoops more often)
    2. Scooping more often means a better and evener litter level
    3. Stinkier Poop makes Mommy's talk in their sleep more (it stimulates the conversation side of their brains)
    4. Its tasty and wes eats more!
    5. If wes eats more..wes poops more!!!
    That's my story and mes sticking too it and mes thinks a salmon bazooka would bes PAWSONE!!!
    Kisses
    Nellie

    ReplyDelete
  15. Athena Cat Goddess Wise KittyNovember 18, 2016 at 4:59 AM

    Very funny. And so true!

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

    ReplyDelete
  16. Three Chatty CatsNovember 23, 2016 at 2:30 PM

    That is a great, handy-dandy chart to go by, Bear.

    ReplyDelete

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