The post about ??? {Bear Post}

Bear Cat here. You may call me Male Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest. If you're wondering why Momma let me take over blogging duty AGAIN, there's a couple reasons.

1) My posts are the most popular. For example, when From Momma to ***WINNING*** {Bear post} was published, that one post had more views than all our other posts up to that time - COMBINED. By that point, we'd already been blogging for a YEAR. In one post written by MOI ... I beat a YEAR of posts NOT written by MOI! Okay, okay ... so maybe I'm rubbing it in a little too much. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm FABULOUS!

Yes, yes, I know. You LOVE me. You'd think a blog about me would be enough - but alas, my public wants to hear it from my own handsome mouth! There's also the tiny matter of all the other finalists in the Best Humor Pet Blog category of the BlogPaws 2016 Nose-to-Nose Awards being written by the cats THEMSELVES. How have I been SO SCREWED for SO LONG and NOT even known it? Then again, our humans are well known for not appreciating our craft in all its manifestations.

"BEAR! Stop ripping up the couch/carpet/chair!" "Bear! Quit chewing the ends of the slats off the blinds!" "BEAR! Why are all my clothes pulled off the hangers in my walk in closet?" "BEAR! @#$%^&! The toilet is full of the contents of the shelves above the toilet AGAIN!" "Bear! Why is my favorite x, y, z, q, covered in fur/barfage?!?!" "BEAR! BEAR! BEAR!" You'd think she'd appreciate my redecorating services that I give her for FREE. Bear Cat originals all through the house! And she doesn't even realize the value of what she sees everyday! So OBVIOUSLY, she can't be expected to value my language skills (peppered with lots of: "I HATE YOU"s, "PREPARE TO DIE"s, "MooooooommmmmmmMMMA!"s, and "You ruin ALL my fun"s!).

2) Momma's still a bit of a wreck. Since she ignored my warnings about boys, she's devastated all over again and not feeling very good about herself. Believe me, if you listened to her go on AND ON, SOBBING, about how unlovable and unattractive and unwanted and worthless she is and that no one will ever love her enough to stay with her, you'd rather write a blog post too! Okay, okay. I don't mind being there to tell her that she IS good enough to love and that she IS good enough to not be left. I mean, who's going to feed me if she's a blubbering pile of un-functioning? And to be honest, my Momma isn't known to blubber or even cry AT ALL. The last time she was like this was when she saw me after the surgery to remove my tumor and I had an eight inch incision in my back (you can read more this in Too Close to a Nightmare I Couldn't Handle). So you know that when she cries ... there's a REAL problem ... and when she blubbers, it's an emotional catastrophe. I don't mind the tear-baths because that means I'm getting extra snuggles. But someone's got to keep this blog going! And if she can't find the confidence or wherewithal, I need to CAT up and take care of business MYSELF! If you missed any of the posts about The Boy: The Boy, Tom, Dick and Harry, The interview, Annoying giggliness, Less talk-y and more scratch-y, and The Boy Returns.

Back to this post. I have no idea what to write about! My Momma suggested that for fair, balanced, and accurate reporting, I could talk about her other less incompetent side. She thinks I talk too much about her incompetence. But I'm thinking no. We cats aren't exactly known for fairness, balance (except in the physical domain) or accuracy (except for the accuracy of our fangs, claws and precise aim or our hairballs). Nope. We experience things in our own special way - with claws and fangs and flying fur - and we're NEVER sorry.

So great. Balanced reporting? No. Should I talk about whether I pooped today (yes - though MAJORLY unsatisfying)? Share my rigorous and intense napping schedule (RIGOROUS! INTENSE!). Maybe describe all the things I did today JUST to 1) tick my Momma off, or 2) get her attention? Nah. That'd take a month of daily blog posts JUST to enumerate everything I did TODAY. I could tell you just how handsome and sexy I am - but it's so OBVIOUS that if you're here, you already know.

Okay, okay. So I included pictures ANYWAY. But if you were THIS handsome, you wouldn't mind reminding people of it. My Momma suggested these might be gratuitous, but she sees me all day, every day and our readers do not. You're WELCOME. Which reminds me, my Momma could use a little bit of confidence right now. Well, she could ALWAYS use a bit of confidence, but this crying thing and repeating the SAME things over and over again is starting to get annoying ("I should've known better than to think anyone would want to stick around." "Blah, blah, blah ... good enough." "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.") Okay, okay. She annoys me just by existing. I meant EXTRA annoying. If I could invent a silent pair of thumbs that also gives good ear rubs and back scratches, we cats would be forever set. Am I right? Rhetorical question. OBVIOUSLY. But back to what I was saying about Momma needing a good kick in the pants ... do any of you cats know how to INCREASE a human's self confidence? I know we work so hard to put them in their places usually. Logic would tell you to do the OPPOSITE of whatever puts her in her place. But it's not like there's an opposite of a stink eye. And what's the opposite of stealing her desk chair?

That reminds me to thank all our friends who've sent Momma words of encouragement, love, or support. They really have made a difference; not quite as much of a difference as her cuddling me ... but still. You all aren't too shabby for not even being here (lucky you!!!!).

Now, I'd like to close with a short prayer. {AHEM}

Dear kitty gods ...

No more boys! Or if you MUST send a boy, make sure he gives me a tasty whole chicken farm UP FRONT, so I don't get screwed out of any more tasty whole chickens because a guy decides to up and leave before the payment has been made. Thank you for our friends who have kept Momma afloat and for love (and misbehavior) which makes life worth it. Did I mention tasty whole chickens?

A CAT

26 comments

Three Chatty CatsSeptember 9, 2016 at 4:11 PM
Good post, Bear. You could give her a head bump or two. Perhaps that would be the opposite of stink eye. Just continue to love up on her and let her give you lots of kitty hugs. Your Momma Kat IS good enough - better than good enough! Some people just don't get it and never will. (And I'm sorry your #2 was unsatisfying!)
UnknownSeptember 9, 2016 at 5:22 PM
Bear you do live up to your name buddy. But it also sounds like you know how to take care of your human when she is in need
Melissa, Mudpie and Angel Truffles (Mochas, Mysteries and Meows)September 9, 2016 at 5:43 PM
Bear, I'm so glad you're there to take care of your Momma. If only human boys were as loving and loyal as boycats! And Mudpie is starting to rethink our agreement to "share" the blog...should she stage a complete takeover?
Cats Herd YouSeptember 9, 2016 at 6:29 PM
Well of course we love hearing from you, Bear! Cats always tell it like it is. And it's obvious that you wear the stripey pants in the family, too, which is important when your human needs comfort. Take good care of her. She's a keeper.
pilch92September 9, 2016 at 7:48 PM
I am sorry your Momma got hurt by a boy, you should have peed in his shoes while you had the chance.I am sure the right one will come along and you will even approve of him Bear. I do think you are very handsome. Phoebe always gets more comments on the days she writes than I do.
Cat and DOG Chat With CarenSeptember 9, 2016 at 10:07 PM
Bear tell your Mama to stick with cats, they are WAY less trouble than "boys!" Come to think of it, maybe that is the problem! She had BOYS NOT MEN!!! Oh and your Mama IS LOVABLE!! She shouldn't let anyone tell her otherwise! xoxoxo catchatwithcarenandcody
Kitties BlueSeptember 9, 2016 at 11:22 PM
We think purrhaps that your mom needs to quit messing around with boys and look for a mature man. And so what's with those ear-pulling photos at the end? We are truly sorry for these problems with boys and with lack of self-confidence. We hear our mom had that problem when she was younger as well. Maybe that means that your mom will just wake up one day and have it. But whatever happens, please give her lots of extra love and don't be such a stinker, albeit a darn handsome one! XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo
Erin the Cat PrincessSeptember 10, 2016 at 1:31 AM
Boys, hmm, sometimes what a peep needs isn't what they gets, for sure. That's however when we, BFFFF (Best Forever Fine Feline Friends) come in to save the day, over and over, which of course is what some of those nine lives are for. purrs ERin PS you write a good blog, Bear, so you could maybe help your mom with a few pointers, of the non claw variety, to lift the spirits. Or maybe go on an adventure or two, to discover the secrets of tasty chicken farming maybe?
Athena Cat Goddess Wise KittySeptember 10, 2016 at 2:01 AM
Oh Bear, sorry your mom is feeling sad. My mum gets like that a lot too. She's had her heart broken so many times by those boy creatures that she has sworn to stick to cats from now on. Carry on what you're doing - giving your mommy all the love and purrs in the world. My mum says 'All you need is the love of a great cat' and she's right. I think I taught her that because she has got a lot more wise since this wise kitty goddess came into her life.

Purrs xx
Athena
MargSeptember 10, 2016 at 5:05 AM
Bear, you sure are a handsome boy. Your Mom is so lucky to have you around while she is having all these trouble with human boys. They are such naughty things. Good to meet you. You all have a great day.
GattinaSeptember 10, 2016 at 6:31 AM
Bear you look so handsome and cute, but it seems to me that you also bite ? or am I wrong ? My Rosie is a little angel and then suddenly she becomes the devil in person and bites in my hand !
Brian's Home BlogSeptember 10, 2016 at 7:59 AM
You are darn good at artistic fringing Bear! Tell the Mom we all send her hugs and we hope the happy shows up soon.
The Island CatsSeptember 10, 2016 at 6:52 PM
Bear, the only boy your Momma needs is you.