Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household?
Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things. Did you miss any of the daily "conversations" from the last two weeks? These "conversations" (posted below), include all the usual snarky and dramatic randomness on both sides, including the series on Momma shaming. This time, since the posts are filled with pictures, I'm breaking the collection into two parts posted over two days ... of which this is the first.
The Sunday Selfies in this cycle, if you missed them: Sunday Selfie #8 and Sunday Selfie #9. Sunday Selfies is a blog hop hosted by our friends, The Cat on My Head; these posts are our entries for that blog hop.
See the previous collections of shorter "conversations," like the ones posted below:
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
Here's the collection of shorter dialogues from the past two weeks (in order from oldest to most recent):
The boy:
BC: HIIIIIIIII!
MK: Hi, Bear.
BC: What are you doing?
MK: I'm on the computer.
BC: NO. I'm ON the computer.
BC: HIIIIIIIII!
MK: Hi, Bear.
BC: What are you doing?
MK: I'm on the computer.
BC: NO. I'm ON the computer.
MK: Get down.
BC: What are you doing on the computer?
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIII!
BC: What are you doing on the computer?
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIII!
MK: Hi, Bear.
If you missed Bear's education on alien abductions and Morse (what Bear thinks is Morris) code: * * * - - - * * *.
BC: You're not petting me!
MK: I'm busy.
BC: What are you doing?
MK: Talking to one of our readers.
BC: Why?
MK: What?
BC: Why are you talking to someone online instead of petting me?
MK: Because I like the person.
BC: You like all of our readers. And you LOVE me!
MK: {sigh} If you don't understand, I can't explain it to you.
BC: HEY! That's my line!
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!
MK: Come here, Bear.
MK: I'm busy.
BC: What are you doing?
MK: Talking to one of our readers.
BC: Why?
MK: What?
BC: Why are you talking to someone online instead of petting me?
MK: Because I like the person.
BC: You like all of our readers. And you LOVE me!
MK: {sigh} If you don't understand, I can't explain it to you.
BC: HEY! That's my line!
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!
MK: Come here, Bear.
BC: PURRRRR ... I love you ...
{The phone rings}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HIT THE DECK!
{Pause}
BC: Why's the phone ringing? How RUDE!
MK: Hello?
BC: Who is it? What do they want?!?!
{The phone rings}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HIT THE DECK!
{Pause}
BC: Why's the phone ringing? How RUDE!
MK: Hello?
BC: Who is it? What do they want?!?!
MK: {whispering} Bear. Shh.
BC: Is it a secret? I can keep secrets you know. Or is that only ones I don't know that I can keep?
BC: Is it a secret? I can keep secrets you know. Or is that only ones I don't know that I can keep?
{Silence}
BC: What's the person saying?
{Pause}
BC: Why aren't you answering my questions?
{Pause}
BC: Why are you STILL talking on the phone?
{Pause}
BC: Are you talking to a BOY?
{Pause}
BC: You ARE, AREN'T YOU?
{Pause}
BC: TRAITOR!
{Pause}
BC: Are you GIGGLING!?!?! GIGGLING with THE BOY. Holy MONKEY BALLS! I'm in trouble! Or you're in trouble! Or we're both just really, really SCREWED!
{Pause}
BC: DASH! DOT! DASH! Err ... DOT! DASH! DOT! No, that's not right. Oh, hell. HEEEEEEEEEEELPPPPP! P-D-Q! C-P-R! Oh, SHIP! No, that's not right SHI ... err ... T? HELP MORRIS! SOS! There's a BOY!
{Pause}
BC: You're GROUNDED until you grow up, missy! NO BOYS!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! Ummm ....
{Pause}
BC: THE BIG DODO! Remember the BIG DODO!?!?! You're taste in boys SUCKS. SUCKS.
{Pause}
BC: That's IT! I'm packing my bags! I'm moving out!
{Pause}
BC: I'm an only child! Err ... I mean, the only MALE ... oh, MY POOR EXCISED BALLS! The only male by birth! HERE! IN THIS HOUSE! No other boys!
{Pause}
BC: FOREVER!
{Pause}
BC: I'm The Great Bear Cat! I'm Male Princess Black Bear Cat of the Forest! I'm ME! You don't need anyone else! I'm fabulous! And fantastic! And wonderful. AND YOU'RE ALL MINE! MINEMINEMINEMINE!
{Pause}
BC: You know how this is going to end! There's going to be copious amounts of tears and then it will be all "Oh, Bear. I thought this time was going to be different!" And, "Why do I even try for something different when what I have is clearly all I deserve?" And then the, "It's me. I'm just not pretty enough/smart enough/worthwhile." Then another copious amount of tears and a SOAKED COAT of MY FUR later, "Another tiny glimmer of hope that things could be different now cruelly taunting me for thinking I could have anything better." Then all that nonsense about hating always have to fight and be strong. Moping. Wanting to give up. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!?! DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR? BOYS!!!
{Pause}
BC: Boys are BAD, BAD news! BAD, Momma! BAD! Well, except for me. But I'm cute! And when I have to hurt you that (BLEEP) heals! I don't make you cry!
{Pause}
BC: {SNORT!} Let me tell you what I think of BOYS!
{Pause as Bear jumps down from staring at Momma and runs to his litter box}
BC: I'M POOPING! GRRRRRRR ... ERRRRRR ....
{Pause}
BC: A REALLY stinky POOP!
{Pause}
BC: {sniffing around inside the litter box} Holy crap! It really kind of DOES smell like the Big Dodo.
{Pause}
BC: {jumping out} THE ALIENS ARE AFTER ME! You won't take me alive! Or DEAD! OR AT ALL! EVER!
{Bear zooms around like a total nut for a few minutes}
BC: {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} {PUFF} I {HUFF} THINK {PUFF} I {HUFF} LOST {PUFF} THEM ...
{Momma laughs out loud}
BC: INCOOOOOOOOOOOOOMING! UNDER THE BED!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... IT WAS ONLY YOU. LAUGHING. BUT NOT AT ME.
{Pause}
BC: Why are you laughing? Are you laughing at something the boy said? I'm funny! I'm REALLY funny.
{Pause}
BC: FINE! Ignore me!
MK: {Taking a break from her conversation} Bear, I've been petting you the entire time you've been here. Minus your litter box break and the freak out.
BC: Phht. Don't touch me. I'm going to take a nap on the bed. In the OTHER room. Where I won't be disturbed and have to listen to this NONSENSE. And oh ... when you can be bothered, MY LITTER BOX REQUIRES SCOOPING! What you find in it closely approximates my feelings on the subject of boys ... other than me of course.
{Pause}
BC: {flicking his tail and sauntering off} HMPH!
Oh, dear kitty gods! Please deliver us from this atrocity of boydom! I don't know how many more times I can handle my coat being soaked by tears! In the name of tuna, chicken, and beef. A MAN!
ps - If this boy should happen to own a tasty whole chicken farm, you may ignore this plea for relief from my Momma's stupidity.{Pause}
BC: Why aren't you answering my questions?
{Pause}
BC: Why are you STILL talking on the phone?
{Pause}
BC: Are you talking to a BOY?
{Pause}
BC: You ARE, AREN'T YOU?
{Pause}
BC: TRAITOR!
{Pause}
BC: Are you GIGGLING!?!?! GIGGLING with THE BOY. Holy MONKEY BALLS! I'm in trouble! Or you're in trouble! Or we're both just really, really SCREWED!
{Pause}
BC: DASH! DOT! DASH! Err ... DOT! DASH! DOT! No, that's not right. Oh, hell. HEEEEEEEEEEELPPPPP! P-D-Q! C-P-R! Oh, SHIP! No, that's not right SHI ... err ... T? HELP MORRIS! SOS! There's a BOY!
{Pause}
BC: You're GROUNDED until you grow up, missy! NO BOYS!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! Ummm ....
{Pause}
BC: THE BIG DODO! Remember the BIG DODO!?!?! You're taste in boys SUCKS. SUCKS.
{Pause}
BC: That's IT! I'm packing my bags! I'm moving out!
{Pause}
BC: I'm an only child! Err ... I mean, the only MALE ... oh, MY POOR EXCISED BALLS! The only male by birth! HERE! IN THIS HOUSE! No other boys!
{Pause}
BC: FOREVER!
{Pause}
BC: I'm The Great Bear Cat! I'm Male Princess Black Bear Cat of the Forest! I'm ME! You don't need anyone else! I'm fabulous! And fantastic! And wonderful. AND YOU'RE ALL MINE! MINEMINEMINEMINE!
{Pause}
BC: You know how this is going to end! There's going to be copious amounts of tears and then it will be all "Oh, Bear. I thought this time was going to be different!" And, "Why do I even try for something different when what I have is clearly all I deserve?" And then the, "It's me. I'm just not pretty enough/smart enough/worthwhile." Then another copious amount of tears and a SOAKED COAT of MY FUR later, "Another tiny glimmer of hope that things could be different now cruelly taunting me for thinking I could have anything better." Then all that nonsense about hating always have to fight and be strong. Moping. Wanting to give up. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!?! DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR? BOYS!!!
{Pause}
BC: Boys are BAD, BAD news! BAD, Momma! BAD! Well, except for me. But I'm cute! And when I have to hurt you that (BLEEP) heals! I don't make you cry!
{Pause}
BC: {SNORT!} Let me tell you what I think of BOYS!
{Pause as Bear jumps down from staring at Momma and runs to his litter box}
BC: I'M POOPING! GRRRRRRR ... ERRRRRR ....
{Pause}
BC: A REALLY stinky POOP!
{Pause}
BC: {sniffing around inside the litter box} Holy crap! It really kind of DOES smell like the Big Dodo.
{Pause}
BC: {jumping out} THE ALIENS ARE AFTER ME! You won't take me alive! Or DEAD! OR AT ALL! EVER!
{Bear zooms around like a total nut for a few minutes}
BC: {HUFF} {PUFF} {HUFF} {PUFF} I {HUFF} THINK {PUFF} I {HUFF} LOST {PUFF} THEM ...
{Momma laughs out loud}
BC: INCOOOOOOOOOOOOOMING! UNDER THE BED!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... IT WAS ONLY YOU. LAUGHING. BUT NOT AT ME.
{Pause}
BC: Why are you laughing? Are you laughing at something the boy said? I'm funny! I'm REALLY funny.
{Pause}
BC: FINE! Ignore me!
MK: {Taking a break from her conversation} Bear, I've been petting you the entire time you've been here. Minus your litter box break and the freak out.
BC: Phht. Don't touch me. I'm going to take a nap on the bed. In the OTHER room. Where I won't be disturbed and have to listen to this NONSENSE. And oh ... when you can be bothered, MY LITTER BOX REQUIRES SCOOPING! What you find in it closely approximates my feelings on the subject of boys ... other than me of course.
{Pause}
BC: {flicking his tail and sauntering off} HMPH!
Oh, dear kitty gods! Please deliver us from this atrocity of boydom! I don't know how many more times I can handle my coat being soaked by tears! In the name of tuna, chicken, and beef. A MAN!
If you missed Bear's education on alien abductions and Morse (what Bear thinks is Morris) code: * * * - - - * * *.
Or, to read more about Bear learning CPR: How To Save a Life.
1.14876 seconds:
To read more about the desk chair wars:
*** To read about the beginning of the desk chair wars: Chair + Towel + Cat = Tons of Pictures. The pictures aren't up to current standards, but it gives you an idea of the history.
*** Another series on the desk chair wars occurs in "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 12 (On the desk chair wars, parts 1-3).
*** The three most recent updates to the desk chair saga are found in, "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 23 ("On sharing selfishness"), "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 24 ("On MOO!"), and Loud, proud ... and blunt.
MK: Oh, COME ON!
BC: Cleaning my tail ... my tail ... my tail ... You're once ...
MK: You KNEW I was walking to the desk chair!
BC: Is this what you want?
BC: Cleaning my tail ... my tail ... my tail ... You're once ...
MK: You KNEW I was walking to the desk chair!
BC: Cleaning my foot ... my foot ... my foot ... cleaning my other foot ... Twice! Three-ee times a tabby!
MK: BEAR!
BC: Cleaning my paw ... my paw ... my paw ... You're once ... Twice! Three-ee times a tabby! And I looooooooo-ve you!
MK: BEAR!
BC: Cleaning my paw ... my paw ... my paw ... You're once ... Twice! Three-ee times a tabby! And I looooooooo-ve you!
MK: HEY! I KNOW you hear me!
BC: Cleaning my belly ... my belly ... my belly ... Three-ee times a tabby ... And I looooooooo-ve you!
BC: Cleaning my belly ... my belly ... my belly ... Three-ee times a tabby ... And I looooooooo-ve you!
MK: That's IT!
BC: Hey! Can't you see this chair is taken?
BC: Hey! Can't you see this chair is taken?
MK: Bear I SAW you sprint toward the chair when you saw me walking toward it. You SPRINTED and jumped in the chair.
BC: In all fairness, YOU sprinted too. You just lost! By 1.14876 seconds if my calculations are correct.
MK: You made that number up.
BC: Just because you don't understand the advanced math involved doesn't mean the result is inaccurate.
MK: You knew I wanted the chair and you went OUT OF YOUR WAY to snatch it first.
BC: Not out of my way, no. I made a bee-line. A straight line.
MK: {head in her hands} You KNOW what I meant!
{Pause}
MK: FINE! I'll pull up a DIFFERENT chair!
MK: You made that number up.
BC: Just because you don't understand the advanced math involved doesn't mean the result is inaccurate.
MK: You knew I wanted the chair and you went OUT OF YOUR WAY to snatch it first.
BC: Not out of my way, no. I made a bee-line. A straight line.
MK: {head in her hands} You KNOW what I meant!
{Pause}
MK: FINE! I'll pull up a DIFFERENT chair!
BC: MMMRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
MK: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Seriously, Bear? SERIOUSLY!?!?! I can't set another chair down next to the desk chair without being brutally attacked? The desk chair I so graciously let you keep?
BC: No.
MK: Why?
BC: MMMRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! You can't turn the chair around so I'm facing the other direction! I can't fang you facing this way!
MK: GOOD! Then think about your attitude!
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: And yet YOU'RE the one that stole my desk chair and then attacked me when I let you have the chair and pulled up a different chair.
BC: You're supposed to WANT the desk chair.
MK: FINE!
BC: FINE!
MK: MOVE!
BC: Make me!
MK: You're going to regret this.
BC: Wait! You're only supposed to WANT the chair! You're only supposed to WANT TO FIGHT for the chair! You aren't supposed to TAKE the chair!
MK: Bear, I've let you have the desk chair 99 out of the last 99 times I turned around and you were in it. I'm drawing the line. This time it's mine.
BC: Where's the line?
MK: Right HERE {plopping down}.
BC: HEY! This is MY chair!
MK: Not anymore. Or at least NOT THIS TIME.
BC: WHAT?
BC: No.
MK: Why?
BC: MMMRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! You can't turn the chair around so I'm facing the other direction! I can't fang you facing this way!
MK: GOOD! Then think about your attitude!
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: And yet YOU'RE the one that stole my desk chair and then attacked me when I let you have the chair and pulled up a different chair.
BC: You're supposed to WANT the desk chair.
MK: FINE!
BC: FINE!
MK: MOVE!
BC: Make me!
MK: You're going to regret this.
BC: Wait! You're only supposed to WANT the chair! You're only supposed to WANT TO FIGHT for the chair! You aren't supposed to TAKE the chair!
MK: Bear, I've let you have the desk chair 99 out of the last 99 times I turned around and you were in it. I'm drawing the line. This time it's mine.
BC: Where's the line?
MK: Right HERE {plopping down}.
BC: HEY! This is MY chair!
MK: Not anymore. Or at least NOT THIS TIME.
BC: WHAT?
BC: THIS IS AGAINST THE GENEVA CAT CONVENTION! IT'S AN OUTRAGE! IT'S A ...
{Pause}
BC: Get that stupid picture box OUT OF MY FACE!
{Pause}
BC: You think this is funny? FINE! Enjoy your stupid chair that you ripped out of the paws of your sweet little kitty cat! And now all our readers have photographic proof of your ... your ... ogreacity! Ogarity? MEANESS! HMPH!
{Half an hour passes ... Momma gets up ... Bear comes running to repossess the chair}
MK: Perfect!
BC: What?
{Pause}
BC: Not the stupid picture box again?!?!
{Pause}
BC: You want a show? Huh? You want a piece of this? HAVE A PIECE OF THIS!
{Pause}
BC: Get that stupid picture box OUT OF MY FACE!
{Pause}
BC: You think this is funny? FINE! Enjoy your stupid chair that you ripped out of the paws of your sweet little kitty cat! And now all our readers have photographic proof of your ... your ... ogreacity! Ogarity? MEANESS! HMPH!
{Half an hour passes ... Momma gets up ... Bear comes running to repossess the chair}
MK: Perfect!
BC: What?
{Pause}
BC: Not the stupid picture box again?!?!
{Pause}
BC: You want a show? Huh? You want a piece of this? HAVE A PIECE OF THIS!
BC: And THIS!
BC: AND THAT!
BC: Is this what you want?
MK: Wow, Bear. You really outdid yourself that time.
BC: Wait! You EXPECTED me to do that?
MK: Not exactly. I got the camera out since you stole the chair. I thought it might make you leave ... but your little show WAY, WAY, WAY surpassed my expectations! THAT WAS AWESOME!
BC: You're not mad because I ripped up the chair with my claws?
MK: Whether I'm mad or not doesn't make one bit of difference in what you do, does it?
BC: Well ... I ... YOU! ... err ... RATS! Any time I enjoy something, you promptly rain all over it!
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: HMPH!
{Momma works in the other room for an hour}
MK: Awwww! How CUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!
MK: Not exactly. I got the camera out since you stole the chair. I thought it might make you leave ... but your little show WAY, WAY, WAY surpassed my expectations! THAT WAS AWESOME!
BC: You're not mad because I ripped up the chair with my claws?
MK: Whether I'm mad or not doesn't make one bit of difference in what you do, does it?
BC: Well ... I ... YOU! ... err ... RATS! Any time I enjoy something, you promptly rain all over it!
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: HMPH!
{Momma works in the other room for an hour}
MK: Awwww! How CUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!
BC: Don't you have anything better to do?
MK: I ...
BC: Of course you don't. What's a cat gotta do to get some sleep around here?
BC: Of course you don't. What's a cat gotta do to get some sleep around here?
MK: But you're just so ...
BC: FRUSTRATED!
BC: Do you MIND?
{Pause}
BC: Going back to sleep! Keep your hands to yourself!
{Pause}
BC: Going back to sleep! Keep your hands to yourself!
BC: Are you STILL watching and taking pictures?
MK: You just said to keep my hands to myself! I'm not touching you!
BC: {sigh} You're RUINING my nap.
MK: You just said to keep my hands to myself! I'm not touching you!
BC: {sigh} You're RUINING my nap.
MK: This from the cat that holds the kitty olympics in my bed every night.
BC: Well, SOMETHING exciting should happen in your bed.
MK: BEAR!
BC: What?
MK: One word ... GROUNDED.
BC: What? ALL YOU DO IS SLEEP THERE! Like it would hurt for you to wake up once or twice and play with me!
MK: You just meant that you wanted to play in my bed? I ... err ... there's just nothing about this discussion that is going to sound normal.
BC: What ELSE would I have meant?
MK: Err ... nothing.
BC: There's a reason you wake up to a few micey in your bed! But knowing your iniquitous inclinations, I'm sure there's some other evilities happening there.
MK: Evility? You always claim I have no life!
BC: You have evilities abilities.
MK: You just make this (BLEEP) up!
BC: Two words ... KIT KAT.
MK: NOT in bed!
BC: True. But your candy does have a way of getting around. Even your candy HAS more of a life than you do.
MK: {sigh}.
MK: BEAR!
BC: What?
MK: One word ... GROUNDED.
BC: What? ALL YOU DO IS SLEEP THERE! Like it would hurt for you to wake up once or twice and play with me!
MK: You just meant that you wanted to play in my bed? I ... err ... there's just nothing about this discussion that is going to sound normal.
BC: What ELSE would I have meant?
MK: Err ... nothing.
BC: There's a reason you wake up to a few micey in your bed! But knowing your iniquitous inclinations, I'm sure there's some other evilities happening there.
MK: Evility? You always claim I have no life!
BC: You have evilities abilities.
MK: You just make this (BLEEP) up!
BC: Two words ... KIT KAT.
MK: NOT in bed!
BC: True. But your candy does have a way of getting around. Even your candy HAS more of a life than you do.
MK: {sigh}.
To read more about the desk chair wars:
*** To read about the beginning of the desk chair wars: Chair + Towel + Cat = Tons of Pictures. The pictures aren't up to current standards, but it gives you an idea of the history.
*** Another series on the desk chair wars occurs in "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 12 (On the desk chair wars, parts 1-3).
*** The three most recent updates to the desk chair saga are found in, "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 23 ("On sharing selfishness"), "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 24 ("On MOO!"), and Loud, proud ... and blunt.
The chicken cannon:
BC: Can I borrow your chicken cannon?
MK: Excuse me?
BC: Hasn't anyone ever told you it's not nice to answer a question with a question?
MK: You mean like you did?
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: May I borrow your chicken cannon?
MK: Bear, why on EARTH would you want a chicken cannon?
BC: Can I borrow your chicken cannon?
MK: Excuse me?
BC: Hasn't anyone ever told you it's not nice to answer a question with a question?
MK: You mean like you did?
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: May I borrow your chicken cannon?
MK: Bear, why on EARTH would you want a chicken cannon?
BC: You answered a question with another question! AGAIN!
{Pause}
BC: I assumed that if you got a chicken cannon, it would come with some starter tasty whole chickens. You just got a new printer and it came with starter ink tanks!
MK: Bear, chicken cannons are used to fire frozen chickens at aircraft windshields or engines.
BC: But an airplane doesn't eat chickens! That sounds like a huge waste of tasty whole chickens!
MK: No. They fire them at the windshields to test the windshields' durability. It's fairly common for planes to hit flying birds - much like car windshields often collide with bugs. But planes fly much faster so the potential danger increases. And they test the engines to simulate what would happen if a bird got sucked into the engine. You wouldn't want the engine to fail.
BC: Why?
MK: What?
BC: What happens when the engine fails? Does it go back to pre-engine? Engine-garten? Does it take tests to graduate or to work, like the CPA exam that you took?
MK: No. When an engine fails, it essentially shuts down and can't propel the airplane.
BC: So?
MK: While it's true most planes have more than one engine, without adequate propulsion, the plane falls out of the sky.
BC: Do planes regularly fall out of the sky? Because it would really suck to be hit by a falling plane.
MK: Bear, I swear to you that this is one of the most inane conversations we've ever had. Are you TRYING to mess with me?
BC: You still haven't answered whether or not I can borrow your chicken cannon.
MK: Why would I have a chicken cannon?
BC: You answered a question with a question again.
MK: You didn't really ask a question. You made a statement.
BC: You know what I meant.
MK: So did you. Do I seem like the kind of person who would own a chicken cannon?
BC: I don't know. What kind of person would own a chicken cannon?
MK: Besides the "starter chickens," what use could you possibly have for a chicken cannon?
BC: I'm testing a theory.
MK: No.
BC: Come on, Momma! You don't even know the theory I want to test!
MK: Does the theory involve exploding fowl?
BC: NOOO. Err ...
MK: That's what I thought. I clean up after your "experiments" enough as it is.
BC: How was I supposed to know the toilet would get clogged?
MK: How did your favorite mousie end up BEHIND the entertainment center?
BC: Well, I launched him with an improvised ... umm ...
MK: Uh huh. And the garbage disposal?
BC: HEY! YOU'RE the one that turned it on!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Of all the people in the world, I'd think a complete NERD like you would UNDERSTAND my curiosity.
MK: There's a difference between curiosity that leads to learning and causing trouble.
BC: I don't CAUSE trouble! It's not my fault trouble finds me in the midst of my educational pursuits!
MK: Interesting. Of all the things you hide under the bed from, trouble isn't one of them.
BC: Are you mocking me?
{Pause}
BC: No. Of course you aren't. That would require intelligence you don't possess.
{Pause}
BC: I WANT A CHICKEN CANNON! For ... for ... EDUCATIONAL purposes!
MK: Oh? Because it seems like your experiments tend to be related to how much you can get away with.
BC: Phht. You don't get mad! It's actually a bit disapp ...
{Pause}
BC: (BLEEP)!
MK: Because I don't give you the reaction you're looking for. Though on the plus side for you, you also never face any consequences.
BC: Well, no. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
MK: The point is my reaction. That's what you're experimenting with, right?
{Silence}
MK: Bear?
{Silence}
BC: I don't like this line of questioning.
MK: How convenient.
BC: THANK YOU for stifling my intellectual and feline pursuits!
MK: Thank you for stifling my sanity.
BC: You're wel ... WAIT A MINUTE ... was that SARCASM?
MK: Now you have a new theory to test.
BC: Don't be ridiculous! Unless the theory involves finding out how long it takes to get a, "BEAR!" it's not worth ...
{Pause}
BC: Uh oh.
MK: That's what I thought.
BC: I assumed that if you got a chicken cannon, it would come with some starter tasty whole chickens. You just got a new printer and it came with starter ink tanks!
MK: Bear, chicken cannons are used to fire frozen chickens at aircraft windshields or engines.
BC: But an airplane doesn't eat chickens! That sounds like a huge waste of tasty whole chickens!
MK: No. They fire them at the windshields to test the windshields' durability. It's fairly common for planes to hit flying birds - much like car windshields often collide with bugs. But planes fly much faster so the potential danger increases. And they test the engines to simulate what would happen if a bird got sucked into the engine. You wouldn't want the engine to fail.
BC: Why?
MK: What?
BC: What happens when the engine fails? Does it go back to pre-engine? Engine-garten? Does it take tests to graduate or to work, like the CPA exam that you took?
MK: No. When an engine fails, it essentially shuts down and can't propel the airplane.
BC: So?
MK: While it's true most planes have more than one engine, without adequate propulsion, the plane falls out of the sky.
BC: Do planes regularly fall out of the sky? Because it would really suck to be hit by a falling plane.
MK: Bear, I swear to you that this is one of the most inane conversations we've ever had. Are you TRYING to mess with me?
BC: You still haven't answered whether or not I can borrow your chicken cannon.
MK: Why would I have a chicken cannon?
BC: You answered a question with a question again.
MK: You didn't really ask a question. You made a statement.
BC: You know what I meant.
MK: So did you. Do I seem like the kind of person who would own a chicken cannon?
BC: I don't know. What kind of person would own a chicken cannon?
MK: Besides the "starter chickens," what use could you possibly have for a chicken cannon?
BC: I'm testing a theory.
MK: No.
BC: Come on, Momma! You don't even know the theory I want to test!
MK: Does the theory involve exploding fowl?
BC: NOOO. Err ...
MK: That's what I thought. I clean up after your "experiments" enough as it is.
BC: How was I supposed to know the toilet would get clogged?
MK: How did your favorite mousie end up BEHIND the entertainment center?
BC: Well, I launched him with an improvised ... umm ...
MK: Uh huh. And the garbage disposal?
BC: HEY! YOU'RE the one that turned it on!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Of all the people in the world, I'd think a complete NERD like you would UNDERSTAND my curiosity.
MK: There's a difference between curiosity that leads to learning and causing trouble.
BC: I don't CAUSE trouble! It's not my fault trouble finds me in the midst of my educational pursuits!
MK: Interesting. Of all the things you hide under the bed from, trouble isn't one of them.
BC: Are you mocking me?
{Pause}
BC: No. Of course you aren't. That would require intelligence you don't possess.
{Pause}
BC: I WANT A CHICKEN CANNON! For ... for ... EDUCATIONAL purposes!
MK: Oh? Because it seems like your experiments tend to be related to how much you can get away with.
BC: Phht. You don't get mad! It's actually a bit disapp ...
{Pause}
BC: (BLEEP)!
MK: Because I don't give you the reaction you're looking for. Though on the plus side for you, you also never face any consequences.
BC: Well, no. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
MK: The point is my reaction. That's what you're experimenting with, right?
{Silence}
MK: Bear?
{Silence}
BC: I don't like this line of questioning.
MK: How convenient.
BC: THANK YOU for stifling my intellectual and feline pursuits!
MK: Thank you for stifling my sanity.
BC: You're wel ... WAIT A MINUTE ... was that SARCASM?
MK: Now you have a new theory to test.
BC: Don't be ridiculous! Unless the theory involves finding out how long it takes to get a, "BEAR!" it's not worth ...
{Pause}
BC: Uh oh.
MK: That's what I thought.
T-R-O-U-B-L-E:
BC: We need to have a talk.
MK: Well ...
BC: I don't like having my teeth brushed, you know!
MK: I'm well aware. It's hard to miss the claws and fangs. Fangs you only still have because I brush your teeth regularly.
BC: Don't change the topic.
MK: But ...
BC: And when you get really sick and need outside help, I go off to the kennel!
MK: Well, TECHNICALLY it's a pet resort.
BC: But you're not there so it sucks no matter WHAT it's called!
MK: And they don't brush your teeth either.
BC: But they don't snuggle with me or play with me or stick the stupid picture box in my face! Wait a ... WHOSE SIDE AM I ON?!?!
MK: I'll give you treats not to out me online.
BC: How many?
MK: Err ... double the usual?
BC: NOPE.
MK: Four times the usual?
BC: Nope.
MK: An entire bag?
BC: Nope. My silence isn't cheap.
MK: Let's not exchange one problem for another.
MK: Are you talking to me?
BC: Sit down, Momma.
MK: Errr ... okaaaaay.
BC: You're in trouble.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: I've been WATCHING. And you're in T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
MK: Care to be more specific?
BC: I've noticed your days stretching out again so that you're eating only two meals in two days and calling it ONE day.
MK: (BLEEP)!
BC: Thought I didn't notice?
MK: I'm the only former anorexic with a cat that has an international audience.
BC: I have a blog ... and I'm not afraid to use it. And if you keep up the stretching, the former won't be former anymore. It hasn't escaped my attention that you're not eating the proper number of meals in a twenty-four hour day.
MK: Bear ....
BC: Nope. I don't wanna hear it.
MK: But ...
BC: When you stretch YOUR days, MY days get stretched too. It starts with just a few hours and then before you know it, I'm getting my wet food treat only every other 24 hour day since you start defining one day as 48 hours!
MK: But that also means you only get your teeth brushed every other 24 hour day too.
BC: That's a different topic for a different day!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Nope. If you brush my teeth because it's "GOOD" for me, you have to do what's good for you too - EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT!
BC: You're in trouble.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: I've been WATCHING. And you're in T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
MK: Care to be more specific?
BC: I've noticed your days stretching out again so that you're eating only two meals in two days and calling it ONE day.
MK: (BLEEP)!
BC: Thought I didn't notice?
MK: I'm the only former anorexic with a cat that has an international audience.
BC: I have a blog ... and I'm not afraid to use it. And if you keep up the stretching, the former won't be former anymore. It hasn't escaped my attention that you're not eating the proper number of meals in a twenty-four hour day.
MK: Bear ....
BC: Nope. I don't wanna hear it.
MK: But ...
BC: When you stretch YOUR days, MY days get stretched too. It starts with just a few hours and then before you know it, I'm getting my wet food treat only every other 24 hour day since you start defining one day as 48 hours!
MK: But that also means you only get your teeth brushed every other 24 hour day too.
BC: That's a different topic for a different day!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Nope. If you brush my teeth because it's "GOOD" for me, you have to do what's good for you too - EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT!
{Picture of Bear hiding from Momma back in his cat tree corner where she can't reach him ... because he doesn't want his teeth brushed.}
MK: Well ...
BC: I don't like having my teeth brushed, you know!
MK: I'm well aware. It's hard to miss the claws and fangs. Fangs you only still have because I brush your teeth regularly.
BC: Don't change the topic.
MK: But ...
BC: And when you get really sick and need outside help, I go off to the kennel!
MK: Well, TECHNICALLY it's a pet resort.
BC: But you're not there so it sucks no matter WHAT it's called!
MK: And they don't brush your teeth either.
BC: But they don't snuggle with me or play with me or stick the stupid picture box in my face! Wait a ... WHOSE SIDE AM I ON?!?!
MK: I'll give you treats not to out me online.
BC: How many?
MK: Err ... double the usual?
BC: NOPE.
MK: Four times the usual?
BC: Nope.
MK: An entire bag?
BC: Nope. My silence isn't cheap.
MK: Let's not exchange one problem for another.
BC: How about you just knock off your problem?
MK: I'll try.
BC: Nope. NOT good enough. You're the one who always says people who say 'try' are just making an excuse because they don't want to actually change.
MK: I find it bizarre that despite all the things you don't hear or don't remember me saying, you remember this. Anyone who was confused by my couple statements on this blog that you know just as well what I shouldn't do as you know what YOU shouldn't do now know that claim is true.
BC: You're welcome. Better than weighing 75 lbs and landing in the hospital.
MK: Well, I'm a long way from ...
MK: Well, I'm a long way from ...
{Pause}
BC: {AHEM} This is your official intervent!
MK: What?
BC: Intervention ... intervent?
MK: Intervening?
BC: Are you going to stop stretching out your days and meals which otherwise would lead to you dropping copious amounts of weight?
MK: Uhh ... okay.
BC: Then I don't care what you call it.
MK: Well, technically YOU'RE the one trying to label ...
MK: Well, technically YOU'RE the one trying to label ...
MK: Okay. You drive a hard bargain.
BC: I take this job very seriously.
MK: And I have the scars to prove it.
BC: No. Those are just the icing on my proverbial cake.
MK: I love you, Bear. You're such a good boy.
BC: {narrowing his eyes} What do you mean by "good boy?" I'm not a dog.
MK: I mean you're the perfect boy kitty for me. You're very affectionate and easy to love. But you're also your own cat and I love that part of you just as much.
BC: So it's not so much that I'm "good," and more that you like my comprehensive personality?
MK: Yes.
BC: Did I make you mad at least once today?
MK: Why do you ask?
BC: Just wondering.
MK: Probably.
BC: That makes me a good cat.
MK: Yeah, it probably does. But I wouldn't want it any other way.
BC: Me neither.
{Pause}
BC: I love you, Momma. That's why I worry about you.
MK: I know.
How can anyone resist this face? Especially when all it wants is its Momma to be happy and healthy.
And the love that's enough to save a life (namely Momma's) ...
BC: I take this job very seriously.
MK: And I have the scars to prove it.
BC: No. Those are just the icing on my proverbial cake.
MK: I love you, Bear. You're such a good boy.
BC: {narrowing his eyes} What do you mean by "good boy?" I'm not a dog.
MK: I mean you're the perfect boy kitty for me. You're very affectionate and easy to love. But you're also your own cat and I love that part of you just as much.
BC: So it's not so much that I'm "good," and more that you like my comprehensive personality?
MK: Yes.
BC: Did I make you mad at least once today?
MK: Why do you ask?
BC: Just wondering.
MK: Probably.
BC: That makes me a good cat.
MK: Yeah, it probably does. But I wouldn't want it any other way.
BC: Me neither.
{Pause}
BC: I love you, Momma. That's why I worry about you.
MK: I know.
How can anyone resist this face? Especially when all it wants is its Momma to be happy and healthy.
And the love that's enough to save a life (namely Momma's) ...
Momma shaming:
*** Did you miss the posts sharing the story of Bear's adoption and the subsequent confusion over his maleness? Momma's Favorite Story and The good news is your cat is not pregnant . . . the bad news is . . . (or How We Met).
*** Did you miss the story of Meow McQuacky-Pants? Meow McQuacky-Pants & Bear's Food Time.
BC: I love you.
MK: {looking behind herself in both directions} Are you talking to me?
BC: No.
MK: {crumpling just a bit} Oh.
BC: OF COURSE, I'm talking to you!
MK: {looking behind herself in both directions} Are you talking to me?
BC: No.
MK: {crumpling just a bit} Oh.
BC: OF COURSE, I'm talking to you!
{Silence}
BC: Might I add that your hair looks decent today? Did you do something different with it? Maybe lick it a little bit extra?
MK: Did you walk into the wall again?
BC: Phht. Again? That implies I walked into it once already.
{Silence}
BC: NO. I did not walk into the walk AGAIN. Today anyway.
MK: Then what do you want?
BC: Can't I just tell my favorite Momma how much I love her? Come here and give me a hug!
BC: Might I add that your hair looks decent today? Did you do something different with it? Maybe lick it a little bit extra?
MK: Did you walk into the wall again?
BC: Phht. Again? That implies I walked into it once already.
{Silence}
BC: NO. I did not walk into the walk AGAIN. Today anyway.
MK: Then what do you want?
BC: Can't I just tell my favorite Momma how much I love her? Come here and give me a hug!
{CLOP!}
MK: What the ...
BC: Hehehehehehe.
MK: What'd you just put on my back?
BC: Nothing. I was just giving you a ...
MK: POOH BEAR CAT!
BC: Uh oh. Full name. BYE!
MK: Your food bowl isn't empty!
BC: {from under the bed} Close enough!
MK: Bear, the bowl was overfull when you stuck your paw in there and batted the kibble out. So there is no way in hell your bowl is empty.
BC: I ate five pieces of kibble. Hey. I have to use the litter box. Can I be granted immunity for long enough to take care of my masculine needs?
MK: You act like I hurt you when you do something I don't like.
BC: You stepped on me a couple weeks ago!
MK: Not out of anger! Go ahead.
BC: De da la fa la de do re la fa ....
{CLOP!}
MK: Bear! So help me, if you ...
BC: BYE!
MK: What the ...
BC: Hehehehehehe.
MK: What'd you just put on my back?
BC: Nothing. I was just giving you a ...
MK: POOH BEAR CAT!
BC: Uh oh. Full name. BYE!
MK: Your food bowl isn't empty!
BC: {from under the bed} Close enough!
MK: Bear, the bowl was overfull when you stuck your paw in there and batted the kibble out. So there is no way in hell your bowl is empty.
BC: I ate five pieces of kibble. Hey. I have to use the litter box. Can I be granted immunity for long enough to take care of my masculine needs?
MK: You act like I hurt you when you do something I don't like.
BC: You stepped on me a couple weeks ago!
MK: Not out of anger! Go ahead.
BC: De da la fa la de do re la fa ....
{CLOP!}
MK: Bear! So help me, if you ...
BC: BYE!
MK: {sigh} WHEN have I tortured you? WHEN?
BC: {from under the bed} You brush my teeth every day and you wash my chin every day and you clip my claws every couple weeks!
ABOVE: Bear hiding from the "torture" back in his cat tree corner where Momma can't reach him.
BELOW: The "instruments" of "torture."
MK: Bear. You know if I don't wash your face every day, you'll break out. You don't want open sores on your chin, do you? I know they hurt. And if I don't brush your teeth you'll lose even more than you already have.
BC: How do you know? You've been brushing my teeth for years! Maybe the only reason I've lost ANY teeth is because you brush my teeth!
MK: You're right. I don't know that. Though you did lose teeth before I ever started brushing your teeth too. I trust the vet on the issue of your teeth. If he tells me to brush them, I'll brush them.
BC: Hmph. Your taste in vets leaves something to be desired. First there was the woman who didn't realize I was a boy and thought I was PREGNANT! Then there was Meow McQuacky-Pants! Do I have to remind you that you checked to see if he was married?
MK: That's not exactly how it happened, Bear.
BC: Hmph. You only take me to the vet to get a boyfriend!
MK: {rolling her eyes} Have I ever dated one of your vets?
BC: NO! That's just the thing! Both the guys are married! And you know because you CHECKED. TRAITOR! I have to be tortured so you can get a date!
MK: Again, that's not how it happened and you know that. You've also had women who've seen you too.
BC: Hmph. I bet they were men in disguise!
MK: {choking down laughter and snorting instead} Why would they go through dressing as women?
BC: To TRICK me!
MK: Not everything revolves around you, Bear.
BC: Don't be ridiculous. What ELSE does it revolve around besides your desperation for a date?
{Pause}
BC: Where are you going?
MK: To get the mail.
BC: I love you, Momma!
{Bear pats Momma's back}
MK: I love you too, Bear!
{Momma's gone for a few minutes}
MK: Bear. Is there anything you want to tell me?
BC: HEHEHEHEHEHEHE.
MK: That's what I thought. What's it say this time? I'm pretty sure I walked past a group of people snickering at me.
BC: I'm confused. Don't people ALWAYS snicker at you when you walk past?
MK: Hahaha. No. But thanks for this one.
BC: All my pleasure.
MK: I wasn't being sarcastic in the least.
BC: I know. Sarcasm requires a cleverness that exceeds your abilities.
MK: Revenge is sweet.
BC: I think you mean revenge is tasty whole chickens.
MK: What are you ...
{CLOP!}
MK: Yeah. I bet everyone feels sorry for you.
BC: They should! I'm hammock-less and tasty whole chicken-less and wet food treat-less!
MK: I already gave you your wet food treat, Bear.
BC: I know! But I don't have any right now!
MK: Maybe if you didn't scarf ...
{CLOP!}
MK: {sigh}. How many of these signs did you make?
BC: {from under the bed} You brush my teeth every day and you wash my chin every day and you clip my claws every couple weeks!
ABOVE: Bear hiding from the "torture" back in his cat tree corner where Momma can't reach him.
BELOW: The "instruments" of "torture."
MK: Bear. You know if I don't wash your face every day, you'll break out. You don't want open sores on your chin, do you? I know they hurt. And if I don't brush your teeth you'll lose even more than you already have.
BC: How do you know? You've been brushing my teeth for years! Maybe the only reason I've lost ANY teeth is because you brush my teeth!
MK: You're right. I don't know that. Though you did lose teeth before I ever started brushing your teeth too. I trust the vet on the issue of your teeth. If he tells me to brush them, I'll brush them.
BC: Hmph. Your taste in vets leaves something to be desired. First there was the woman who didn't realize I was a boy and thought I was PREGNANT! Then there was Meow McQuacky-Pants! Do I have to remind you that you checked to see if he was married?
MK: That's not exactly how it happened, Bear.
BC: Hmph. You only take me to the vet to get a boyfriend!
MK: {rolling her eyes} Have I ever dated one of your vets?
BC: NO! That's just the thing! Both the guys are married! And you know because you CHECKED. TRAITOR! I have to be tortured so you can get a date!
MK: Again, that's not how it happened and you know that. You've also had women who've seen you too.
BC: Hmph. I bet they were men in disguise!
MK: {choking down laughter and snorting instead} Why would they go through dressing as women?
BC: To TRICK me!
MK: Not everything revolves around you, Bear.
BC: Don't be ridiculous. What ELSE does it revolve around besides your desperation for a date?
{Pause}
BC: Where are you going?
MK: To get the mail.
BC: I love you, Momma!
{Bear pats Momma's back}
MK: I love you too, Bear!
{Momma's gone for a few minutes}
MK: Bear. Is there anything you want to tell me?
BC: HEHEHEHEHEHEHE.
MK: That's what I thought. What's it say this time? I'm pretty sure I walked past a group of people snickering at me.
BC: I'm confused. Don't people ALWAYS snicker at you when you walk past?
MK: Hahaha. No. But thanks for this one.
BC: All my pleasure.
MK: I wasn't being sarcastic in the least.
BC: I know. Sarcasm requires a cleverness that exceeds your abilities.
MK: Revenge is sweet.
BC: I think you mean revenge is tasty whole chickens.
MK: What are you ...
{CLOP!}
MK: Yeah. I bet everyone feels sorry for you.
BC: They should! I'm hammock-less and tasty whole chicken-less and wet food treat-less!
MK: I already gave you your wet food treat, Bear.
BC: I know! But I don't have any right now!
MK: Maybe if you didn't scarf ...
{CLOP!}
MK: {sigh}. How many of these signs did you make?
BC: I don't know.
MK: Says the cat that knows if I get out eight treats and only give him five.
BC: I have to keep track so you don't skim some off the top for yourself.
MK: Bear ...
BC: I saw that box of doughnuts!
MK: Just out all my secrets.
BC: The ways to Momma's heart are doughnuts and cookies and Kit Kats.
MK: And thanks to you, now our neighbors think I would trade you for Kit Kats.
BC: Hehehehehe.
MK: One word, Bear ... one word.
BC: No? That's USUALLY your word.
MK: Hahahaha. Nope. Revenge.
BC: Uh oh.
MK: Sleep well!
BC: Umm ... you're kidding, right? Momma? MooooooommmmmmmMMMMA!?!?!
*** Did you miss the story of Meow McQuacky-Pants? Meow McQuacky-Pants & Bear's Food Time.
*** To read more about how Bear got his full name (Pooh Bear) ... Naming "Male Kitten."
Momma's revenge (Momma shaming - part 2):
BC: This didn't have to happen you know.
MK: {sigh}
BC: Are you going to put pictures of my masterpiece on our blog? Wait a ... what's this sign?!?!
MK: Yesterday you tried to convince everyone I was a mean Momma that tortured and starved my poor, innocent kitty cat. Today, our readers get the other side of the story.
BC: You ARE a mean ... {SNIFF} {SNIFF} ...
{Pause}
BC: Ooooooh! FISHY! BEAR'S food time! YUMMY YUMMY in Bear's tummy! TASTY! NOW! NOW NOW! Nummy, yummy, tummy! In Bear's big belly!
MK: There you go.
{Momma goes back to the kitchen to clean up the mess, gets done and goes to sit down in her desk chair to get back to work ...}
MK: BEAR! Come on! I got up to feed you! Give me my chair.
BC: Move me and die.
MK: Come on, Bear!
BC: Do de do ... lick my back paw ... lalala ... lick my back paw ... lick my belly ... la la la ... lick my belly. You're once ... Twice! Three-ee times a tortie! And I looooooooo-ve you!
MK: Now you're into torties? What happened to the tabby?
{Pause}
MK: I know you hear me!
{Silence}
MK: Treats?
BC: WHERE?!?!
MK: AHA! You DO hear me!
BC: RATS!
BC: What are YOU looking at? Another stupid sign?
MK: At least MY signs tell the truth.
BC: Phht. Truth? What does that have to do with anything?
MK: Why am I not surprised?
BC: You humans get all caught up on the truth.
MK: I'll give you more treats.
BC: Oh! OH! More treats for me! Bear's big belly bellows boisterously. TREATS! TREATS! TREATS!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Where are you going? You said I get more treats!!
MK: Oh, I'm sorry, Bear. I didn't know you were interested in the truth. Us pesky humans and our "truth."
{Silence}
BC: Sometimes I really, REALLY, REALLY HATE you! Truth THAT!
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
{Pause}
BC: MoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmMMA! It's my food time!
MK: I'm in the middle of something, hang on.
BC: But I'm STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARVING!
MK: You have a full bowl of kibble.
BC: But I want FISHY! {SNORT!}
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! {SNORT!} It's my food time! RIGHT. NOW. MMMMooooooooooooooooommmmMMMA! FEED ME!
MK: Just a ....
BC: {SNORT!} {Bear jumps down from the table}.
{Pause}
BC: I'm in the kitchen! On the counter! I'm on the KITCHEN COUNTER! WHERE I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE!!!
MK: Then get down!
BC: MoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmMMA! It's my food time!
MK: I'm in the middle of something, hang on.
BC: But I'm STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARVING!
MK: You have a full bowl of kibble.
BC: But I want FISHY! {SNORT!}
{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! {SNORT!} It's my food time! RIGHT. NOW. MMMMooooooooooooooooommmmMMMA! FEED ME!
MK: Just a ....
BC: {SNORT!} {Bear jumps down from the table}.
{Pause}
BC: I'm in the kitchen! On the counter! I'm on the KITCHEN COUNTER! WHERE I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE!!!
MK: Then get down!
{Pause}
BC: MAKE ME! I have my paw on the glass that's sitting on the microwave! The microwave on the same counter I'M sitting on that I'm not supposed to sit on! THE GLASS IS ABOUT TO GET IT if you don't feed me right now!
MK: Bear, just ....
{CRASH!}
MK: (BLEEP)!
BC: MAKE ME! I have my paw on the glass that's sitting on the microwave! The microwave on the same counter I'M sitting on that I'm not supposed to sit on! THE GLASS IS ABOUT TO GET IT if you don't feed me right now!
MK: Bear, just ....
{CRASH!}
MK: (BLEEP)!
BC: This didn't have to happen you know.
MK: {sigh}
BC: Are you going to put pictures of my masterpiece on our blog? Wait a ... what's this sign?!?!
MK: Yesterday you tried to convince everyone I was a mean Momma that tortured and starved my poor, innocent kitty cat. Today, our readers get the other side of the story.
BC: You ARE a mean ... {SNIFF} {SNIFF} ...
{Pause}
BC: Ooooooh! FISHY! BEAR'S food time! YUMMY YUMMY in Bear's tummy! TASTY! NOW! NOW NOW! Nummy, yummy, tummy! In Bear's big belly!
MK: There you go.
{Momma goes back to the kitchen to clean up the mess, gets done and goes to sit down in her desk chair to get back to work ...}
MK: BEAR! Come on! I got up to feed you! Give me my chair.
BC: I was here FIRST.
MK: I just got up to feed you! And you jumped up the second you saw me walking toward the chair! You didn't even sit down yet!
BC: Bear doesn't share. Hmph. You humans and your sharing selfishness! Where'd this sign come from? What's it doing in MY chair?
BC: I DARE you to move me with your filthy paws!
MK: Bear! Please move.
BC: Nope.
MK: Share?
BC: Selfishness.
{Pause}
BC: MROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW! MY CHAIR!
MK: OWW!
BC: I'm not sorry.
MK: I just got up to feed you! And you jumped up the second you saw me walking toward the chair! You didn't even sit down yet!
BC: Bear doesn't share. Hmph. You humans and your sharing selfishness! Where'd this sign come from? What's it doing in MY chair?
BC: I DARE you to move me with your filthy paws!
MK: Bear! Please move.
BC: Nope.
MK: Share?
BC: Selfishness.
{Pause}
BC: MROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW! MY CHAIR!
MK: OWW!
BC: I'm not sorry.
BC: Move me and die.
MK: Come on, Bear!
BC: Do de do ... lick my back paw ... lalala ... lick my back paw ... lick my belly ... la la la ... lick my belly. You're once ... Twice! Three-ee times a tortie! And I looooooooo-ve you!
MK: Now you're into torties? What happened to the tabby?
{Pause}
MK: I know you hear me!
{Silence}
MK: Treats?
BC: WHERE?!?!
MK: AHA! You DO hear me!
BC: RATS!
BC: What are YOU looking at? Another stupid sign?
MK: At least MY signs tell the truth.
BC: Phht. Truth? What does that have to do with anything?
MK: Why am I not surprised?
BC: You humans get all caught up on the truth.
MK: I'll give you more treats.
BC: Oh! OH! More treats for me! Bear's big belly bellows boisterously. TREATS! TREATS! TREATS!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Where are you going? You said I get more treats!!
MK: Oh, I'm sorry, Bear. I didn't know you were interested in the truth. Us pesky humans and our "truth."
{Silence}
BC: Sometimes I really, REALLY, REALLY HATE you! Truth THAT!
MOL! We laughed especially at "I *break* for food." Bear, you're a genius, and we need to try that!
ReplyDeleteI wonder why my Momma doesn't appreciate my sophisticated word play? Oh, right. Things break. ~Bear Cat
DeleteI enjoy all your conversations.
ReplyDeleteI love to hear that!
DeleteThose are some serious charges against your human. Heh heh. BTW your human is so young. She could be TW's great great great great grand daughter.
ReplyDeleteShe's older than she looks ... like say, 40-2 ... ;) ~Bear Cat
Delete