If the post looks familiar ... the first two dialogues are repeats of one of Momma's favorite series (the second dialogue still makes her fall out of her chair laughing every time). We've added one original dialogue to the end of the previously published series. Actually, the entire conversation collection from that three week period that contains these posts is probably one of her favorites - to read them all: "Conversations" With Bear Cat: Part 21.
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
MK: HOLD STILL!
BC: NO! You're trying to KILL me! In cold blood! By brutal means! LET ME GO!!!!
MK: I'm trying to find your femoral artery!
BC: I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE!
MK: I read this article . . .
BC: NO!
MK: . . . About how to give cats CPR. You're lucky I don't feel the need to practice mouth-to-mouth!
BC: NO. YOU'RE lucky you don't feel the need to practice mouth-to-mouth!
MK: Good point. If I tried to practice mouth-to-mouth on you, I'D need resuscitation.
BC: Then LET ME GO!
MK: The article said to take your pulse, I need to find the femoral artery. I figure that if you DO have an emergency and I don't know where to feel for the femoral artery, I won't know the difference between the wrong spot and no pulse. I'm just trying to figure out WHERE this sucker is but you're squirming! It could save your life!
BC: That's why cats have NINE lives! So you don't need to give us CPR! Well, and your humans' general incompetence that would lead to VERY short lives for us cats if we only had one life.
MK: I WANT TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!
BC: Why can't you just be normal? OH! And by the way? MY LIFE DOESN'T REQUIRE SAVING!
MK: But it COULD at some point in the future.
BC: OVER MY DEAD BODY!
MK: Ummm . . . yeah! THAT'S THE POINT!
BC: But . . . umm . . . hmm. I . . . you . . . hmmm. You love me!
MK: {sigh} OBVIOUSLY.
BC: Oh.
{Silence}
BC: So you're not trying to kill me.
MK: {sigh} No, Bear.
BC: Huh. So you mean that when my food bowl is empty or you don't feed me enough or you don't let me have fun or you brush my teeth or you clip my claws or you take me to the vet or you don't wake up right away when I require attention or you don't let me go outside when I want to, it's NOT that you're trying to kill me on purpose . . . you're just incompetent?
MK: Err . . . I guess.
BC: And you still love me even when I destroy stuff?
MK: Yes.
BC: Oh.
{Pause}
BC: I love you too, Momma. Despite your incompetence.
MK: Thank you . . .
{Pause}
MK: I think.
For more information on feline CPR: http://www.cathealth.com/safety/cpr-in-cats.
The next day:
BC: You know yesterday when you were trying to find my moral cavity so you could take my pulse?
MK: FEM-moral. ARTERY. But I might stick with "moral cavity" . . . it's oddly appropriate.
BC: Whatever. So you mentioned mouth-to-mouth resuscitation . . . if you have an emergency, I'm NOT giving you mouth-to-mouth . . . just so we're clear on boundaries.
MK: It probably wouldn't help anyway.
BC: What?!?! Are you saying I'm not CAPABLE of giving mouth-to-mouth?
MK: No. I'm saying your lungs are much smaller than mine so it'd be hard for you to get enough air in my lungs.
BC: Come here!
MK: What?
BC: I'm going to give you mouth-to-mouth.
MK: Ummm . . . huh?
BC: WOOOOOOOOH!
MK: Bear! You just blew in my face. That's not mouth-to-mouth. Mouth-to-mouth requires mouth TO mouth.
BC: Eww.
MK: That's okay. If I have an emergency you're probably better off calling 911.
BC: Who's 911?
MK: That's the number, not the name of a person. We should probably discuss what constitutes an emergency though.
BC: DUH! I'm not STUPID!
{Pause}
BC: Let's see . . . when I need my litter box scooped . . . when my food bowl is more than eighteen percent empty . . . when my favorite mousie is stuck under the couch . . . when you won't wake up and pet me . . . when I require worship and admiration . . . when I require cuddles . . . when I need someone to play with me . . .
MK: That's what I was afraid of.
BC: What number do I call again?
MK: Never mind.
BC: Wait! I want to practice.
MK: Bear! No.
BC: AHEM. AHEM. HELLO? HELLO? NINE ONE ONE! NINE ONE ONE! TESTING, TESTING! NINE ONE ONE!
MK: {sigh} Oh for the love of . . . you don't scream it out loud you pain in the butt . . . you use the phone.
BC: Oh.
{Bear walks off . . . thirty minutes pass . . . Momma remembers a call she needs to make . . . }
MK: What the? Where's the phone? It's ALWAYS in the charger!
{Pause}
MK: Oh (BLEEP)! BEAR! {Momma runs around frantically looking for the phone and the cat}.
BC: {faintly from somewhere in Momma's walk-in closet} Where's my emergency? My house! Where ELSE would my Momma be holding me hostage against my will? What an idiotic question! I can't BELIEVE an emergency line would be answered by stupid humans!
{Pause}
BC: What's my emergency? My food bowl is twenty-one percent empty!
{Pause}
BC: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT'S NOT AN EMERGENCY?!?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!
{Pause}
BC: YES! As a matter of fact, I AM a cat! What does that have to do with anything?
MK: BEAR! So help me! I'm going to kill you when I find you!
{Momma finally finds Bear hidden in the hanging clothes . . . }
MK: GIVE ME THE PHONE!
BC: MY MOMMA'S ABOUT TO MURDER ME! You heard her say she'd kill me when she found me! And she found me! {Click!}.
MK: You DID NOT just do that.
BC: Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
{The phone rings . . . }
MK: BEAR! {Momma answers and explains the situation . . .}
{Pause}
MK: Huh. She said they get those kinds of calls from cats all the time.
BC: SEE! And you tried to tell me it wasn't an emergency!
Right after Momma so rudely snatched the phone away . . .
Later:
BC: I figured out why you want to learn how to do CPR on me.
MK: Okay.
BC: You want to kill me more than once.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: Look at how easily you resorted to threatening to kill me! But if you killed me and then resuscitated me, you could kill me again.
MK: W-T-F?!?
BC: What does that mean? Is it some acronym for the most painful death possible? Where's the food? Where's the fun? Where's the FRISKIES! Hmmm. Where ARE the Friskies? If I can find the answer to THAT question, the food and fun certainly follow.
MK: Right.
BC: WOMEN.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: Women are from Venus. I read that on the internet. VERIFIED aliens!
MK: How did we get from Friskies to women?
BC: If I have to explain it to you ...
MK: Never mind.
BC: You want to kill me again, I can tell!
MK: Am I dreaming? Because this is one really Friskied up conversation. I feel like five conversations were all jumbled into one.
BC: Hoof. Roof. Poof.
MK: Ah. Catnip.
BC: Dip, ick, lick, rip, zip. ORANGE!
MK: Enjoy.
BC: Don't kill me! I only pooped outside the litter box .... RATS! BATS! HATS!
MK: Wait? You pooped outside the litter box?
BC: Box. Rocks. Socks. Docks. Follow your toes. Woes. NOSE!
MK: Thanks.
BC: No problem. Bum. Hum. Dumb. Thumb. RHOMBUS! Whoooooo!
{THUNK}
BC: {snoring lightly}.
MK: {shaking her head} Probably for the best.
Despite my peeps assertion that I do have nine lives (I actually have some more in the closet) I really do feel better knowing I have a pulse. and peeps knows how to find it! Maybe peeps/kitty classes should be mandatory for all... purrs ERin
ReplyDeleteOh Erin! Life is not LIFE, when it's in a closet!!!
DeleteOnly keep the spares in the closet, but I did find peeps secret stash of treats, AND where one of my dinner guests has been hiding. purrs ERin
Delete"Where one of my dinner guests has been hiding." Hahahahaha, Erin. You crack me up!
DeleteBear, I continue to be amazed at how well your momma translates these conversations so the rest of us get a glimpse into your world. :-)
ReplyDeleteIf she was true in her translations, there'd be a lot more curse words and a lot more, "poor, poor Bear Cats!" ~Bear Cat
DeleteYou are a very lucky kitty, your Momma loves you so much.
ReplyDeleteHmph. Seems to me SHE'S the lucky one ... but humans never appreciate what they have ;) ~Bear Cat
DeleteThe mom better not try to do CPR on us. Not if she values her fingers. :)
ReplyDeleteHer nose is the better target ... if you shove a claw in there JUST RIGHT, they'll do whatever you say :)
DeleteDoes a lack of tasty whole chickens constitute an emergency?
ReplyDeletePurrs,
Seville
It does now that you pointed it out! ;) ~Bear Cat
DeleteNow the head peep wants to find our moral cavity. We told her that cats don't have the same kind of morals that humans do, but she isn't listening. Bear, how do you manage your human? They're so unruly!
ReplyDeleteI RULE with an iron claw ;) ~Bear Cat
Delete