Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household?
Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things. Did you miss any of the daily "conversations" from the last two weeks? These "conversations" (posted below), include all the usual snarky and dramatic randomness on both sides, including the series on Gary and Larry, Bear's signs directing tasty whole noms to his food bowl, and the Chickpocalypse.
The Sunday Selfies in this cycle, if you missed them: Sunday Selfie #6 and Sunday Selfie #7. Sunday Selfies is a blog hop hosted by our friends, The Cat on My Head; these posts are our entries for that blog hop.
See the previous collections of shorter "conversations," like the ones posted below:
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
Here's the collection of shorter dialogues from the past two weeks (in order from oldest to most recent):
Incatnating Bear (Gary and Larry - part 1):
MK: BEAR! For real?
BC: What’s your problem? Emphasis on the “YOUR.”
MK: Why is your food bowl in a different room?
BC: Because it doesn’t belong in this room.
MK: {sigh} I’m aware. I wasn’t referring to it being IN this room or in a different room than the one we are having this conversation in. Let me rephrase that … Why isn’t your food bowl in the room in which it belongs?
BC: Gary and Larry.
MK: The aliens?
BC: Do you know a different Gary and Larry?
MK: Technically, I don’t know THIS Gary and Larry other than that you blame them for everything that you don’t want to take responsibility for.
BC: Gary and Larry sold me into slavery.
MK: What?
BC: {sigh} The kitten you fell in love with.
MK: I’m sorry, but WHAT?
BC: Gary and Larry incatnated me as a kitten. You fed the kitten and it was the kitten that was more interested in your love than the food. Then they tricked me into showing up so I was the cat you brought inside.
MK: And why would they incatnate you?
BC: Because I was onto their scheme to take over the world.
MK: So you’re here against your will?
BC: Isn’t that obvious? Now Gary and Larry can run around executing their schemes without me being able to stop them.
MK: It’s been ten years.
BC: It was a long range plan.
MK: Why would Gary and Larry continue to mess with you if you’re finally out of their way?
BC: If you don’t understand, I can’t explain it to you.
MK: So everything I don’t like that happens around here is Gary and Larry’s fault?
{Silence}
MK: Bear?
BC: What?
MK: I asked you if everything that happens around here is Gary and Larry’s fault.
BC: That was a question?
MK: Well, if you don’t want to be here, I love you enough to let you go.
BC: Wait, what? Go WHERE? Go WHY?
MK: You said Gary and Larry tricked us both and you weren’t the sweetheart cat I fell in love with.
BC: Affirmative.
MK: You’re free.
BC: How INSULTING! I’m valuable!
MK: No. I meant you’re free to leave.
BC: Are you trying to get rid of me?
MK: I thought you didn’t want to be here?
BC: I don’t know.
MK: Okay.
BC: But, but … if I go out THERE, I’ll have to forage for food! I’ll be vulnerable to the elements! I’ll be homeless and loveless.
MK: Then thank Gary and Larry for helping you find a home.
BC: Gary and Larry?
MK: The aliens.
BC: Don’t be ridiculous … aliens, err … wouldn’t choose human names for themselves.
MK: So then how did your food bowl get in a different room?
BC: Because it doesn’t belong in this room.
MK: {sigh} Let me rephrase that … Why isn’t your food bowl in the room in which it belongs?
BC: Isn’t that like asking, the fishy or the treat?
MK: Huh?
BC: The feline version of “the chicken or the egg.”
MK: No, it’s really not.
BC: Not what?
MK: ANY kind of version of the chicken or the egg. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
BC: How should I know whether the chicken or the egg came first? I’m referring to the quintessential feline question … would you rather have the fishy or the fishy treat? Essentially unanswerable given both are available. Your human version, asked in various intellectual circles, is: "Would you rather have the chicken or the egg?"
MK: I’m sorry I asked.
BC: Aren’t you usually?
MK: {sigh}. I quit.
BC: QUIT? QUIT? And you call yourself a cat? CATS don't quit.
MK: Actually, it’s KAT …
BC: You incatnate too.
MK: InKATnate.
BC: Whatever-nate.
MK: I learned it from Gary and Larry.
BC: They are busy aliens ... always destroying stuff and causing mischief.
MK: So I hear.
MK: BEAR! For real?
BC: What’s your problem? Emphasis on the “YOUR.”
MK: Why is your food bowl in a different room?
BC: Because it doesn’t belong in this room.
MK: {sigh} I’m aware. I wasn’t referring to it being IN this room or in a different room than the one we are having this conversation in. Let me rephrase that … Why isn’t your food bowl in the room in which it belongs?
BC: Gary and Larry.
MK: The aliens?
BC: Do you know a different Gary and Larry?
MK: Technically, I don’t know THIS Gary and Larry other than that you blame them for everything that you don’t want to take responsibility for.
BC: Gary and Larry sold me into slavery.
MK: What?
BC: {sigh} The kitten you fell in love with.
MK: I’m sorry, but WHAT?
BC: Gary and Larry incatnated me as a kitten. You fed the kitten and it was the kitten that was more interested in your love than the food. Then they tricked me into showing up so I was the cat you brought inside.
MK: And why would they incatnate you?
BC: Because I was onto their scheme to take over the world.
MK: So you’re here against your will?
BC: Isn’t that obvious? Now Gary and Larry can run around executing their schemes without me being able to stop them.
MK: It’s been ten years.
BC: It was a long range plan.
MK: Why would Gary and Larry continue to mess with you if you’re finally out of their way?
BC: If you don’t understand, I can’t explain it to you.
MK: So everything I don’t like that happens around here is Gary and Larry’s fault?
{Silence}
MK: Bear?
BC: What?
MK: I asked you if everything that happens around here is Gary and Larry’s fault.
BC: That was a question?
MK: Well, if you don’t want to be here, I love you enough to let you go.
BC: Wait, what? Go WHERE? Go WHY?
MK: You said Gary and Larry tricked us both and you weren’t the sweetheart cat I fell in love with.
BC: Affirmative.
MK: You’re free.
BC: How INSULTING! I’m valuable!
MK: No. I meant you’re free to leave.
BC: Are you trying to get rid of me?
MK: I thought you didn’t want to be here?
BC: I don’t know.
MK: Okay.
BC: But, but … if I go out THERE, I’ll have to forage for food! I’ll be vulnerable to the elements! I’ll be homeless and loveless.
MK: Then thank Gary and Larry for helping you find a home.
BC: Gary and Larry?
MK: The aliens.
BC: Don’t be ridiculous … aliens, err … wouldn’t choose human names for themselves.
MK: So then how did your food bowl get in a different room?
BC: Because it doesn’t belong in this room.
MK: {sigh} Let me rephrase that … Why isn’t your food bowl in the room in which it belongs?
BC: Isn’t that like asking, the fishy or the treat?
MK: Huh?
BC: The feline version of “the chicken or the egg.”
MK: No, it’s really not.
BC: Not what?
MK: ANY kind of version of the chicken or the egg. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
BC: How should I know whether the chicken or the egg came first? I’m referring to the quintessential feline question … would you rather have the fishy or the fishy treat? Essentially unanswerable given both are available. Your human version, asked in various intellectual circles, is: "Would you rather have the chicken or the egg?"
MK: I’m sorry I asked.
BC: Aren’t you usually?
MK: {sigh}. I quit.
BC: QUIT? QUIT? And you call yourself a cat? CATS don't quit.
MK: Actually, it’s KAT …
BC: You incatnate too.
MK: InKATnate.
BC: Whatever-nate.
MK: I learned it from Gary and Larry.
BC: They are busy aliens ... always destroying stuff and causing mischief.
MK: So I hear.
The lobster (Gary and Larry - part 2):
MK: Hi, Bear! Did you miss me?
BC: {CHOMP}.
MK: Ow! What the heck? Aren't you glad I'm home?
BC: I wish my Momma was here to see this! She always tells me that cats have to HUNT. Phht. Obviously not. A lobster just walked in my front door!
MK: Wait a ... OWWW!
BC: Are you a tasty lobster? Are you whole? You look kind of strange for a lobster but I can't put my paw on what is missing!
MK: But ...
BC: Stop talking ... my food bowl's that way. I order you to go surrender yourself! You're kind of tough ... but I'll make do.
MK: BEAR! It's Momma!
BC: Who?
MK: Your Momma!
BC: My Momma's not a lobster!
MK: I'M NOT a lobster!
BC: Are you in disguise as a lobster?
MK: NO!
BC: Then why are you bright red?
MK: Because I got a bad sunburn while I was gone!
BC: Are you SURE you're not a lobster?
MK: YES, I'm SURE.
BC: Phew. You'd make a nasty tasting lobster.
MK: I swear, Bear. Live animals don't just walk in the door and flop down in your food bowl. How many times do I have to explain that to you?
BC: {CHOMP}!
MK: OWW! Knock that off!
BC: Just double checking.
MK: Great. Now my arm is sunburned AND chewed up.
BC: What have YOU been doing?
MK: Walking in the front door.
BC: Don't you walk THROUGH the door, not into it?
MK: {looking around the house for the first time since walking in} What did you do while I was gone?
BC: Well, first I threw a rager … then passed out on catnip … went after some spiders that I thought were buffalo … then realized I was still high and made the most of it by watching the wall for a day or so …
MK: I didn’t mean the question literally. I meant why does this place look like … look like …
BC: I threw a rager … then passed out on catnip … went after some spiders that I thought were buffalo?
MK: Never mind.
BC: You’re sorry you asked.
MK: At least Gary and Larry weren’t involved this time.
BC: Of course they were! Umm … what’s a rager without the raging aliens?
MK: Raging as in partying or raging as in angry?
BC: A little of both.
MK: I quit.
BC: What?
MK: I just quit.
BC: What’s to befall me? You adopted me only to throw me back on the cruel streets?
MK: Bear …
BC: Who will give me ear rubs, and back scratches and snuggle with me?
MK: I …
BC: Who will feed me? Who will give me hugs? Who will I avoid and assert my will toward? You said you love me! Now, you’re just throwing me away like a used … used …
MK: Kleenex?
BC: I’ll be left in a dumpster to starve. I’ll lose my cat tree and all my toys. Returned to nature because I’m naughty by nature.
MK: I won’t dump you in the trash, Bear.
BC: Hmph. Just leave me on the street. We cats are domesticated, you know! We need love and litter boxes and toys.
MK: Well, actually …
BC: Why don’t you just let me finish my "making you feel bad" soliloquy instead of always interrupting?
MK: Bear, I’m not going to dump you anywhere.
BC: So you’ll dump me nowhere?
MK: I won’t dump you period – anywhere, nowhere or any place in between.
BC: Of course you won’t. You’re not THAT stupid.
MK: I just meant I was done with this conversation because it's only going to frustrate me.
BC: You mean Gary and Larry will frustrate you.
MK: But you said YOU'RE the one that threw a rager.
BC: No I didn't. It was Gary and Larry.
MK: {sigh} Of course, it was. I had no idea aliens reacted to catnip.
BC: Those crazy aliens!
MK: How come I never see them?
BC: They're invisible.
MK: Invisible, trouble-making, world dominating, catnip affected aliens?
BC: Well, when you put it THAT way ...
MK: It sounds like I'm describing a cat?
BC: Minus the invisible part, yes.
{Pause}
BC: RATS! NO! {CHOMP!}
MK: OWW! Nice distraction.
BC: Nice lobster. My food bowl's that way.
BC: RATS! NO! {CHOMP!}
MK: OWW! Nice distraction.
BC: Nice lobster. My food bowl's that way.
The "taste test."
The lobster (unfortunate sunburn).
The drinking game (Gary and Larry - part 3):
MK: SON OF A ....
BC: Uh oh.
MK: {mumbling to herself} How the heck? That's just ridiculous!
BC: I didn't do it!
The lobster (unfortunate sunburn).
The drinking game (Gary and Larry - part 3):
MK: SON OF A ....
BC: Uh oh.
MK: {mumbling to herself} How the heck? That's just ridiculous!
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: Didn't do what?
BC: I didn't knock over all the clothes in your closet!
MK: What do you mean?
BC: Didn't you just find the mess in your closet?
MK: No. I found a funny looking five inch bruise on my leg.
BC: Uh oh. I'm going to need a laugh. Let me see the funny bruise.
MK: Not funny haha, funny as in strange looking.
BC: Rats!
MK: So what happened in my closet?
BC: Nothing.
MK: I thought you said ...
BC: Must've been a dream ...
BC: I didn't knock over all the clothes in your closet!
MK: What do you mean?
BC: Didn't you just find the mess in your closet?
MK: No. I found a funny looking five inch bruise on my leg.
BC: Uh oh. I'm going to need a laugh. Let me see the funny bruise.
MK: Not funny haha, funny as in strange looking.
BC: Rats!
MK: So what happened in my closet?
BC: Nothing.
MK: I thought you said ...
BC: Must've been a dream ...
MK: I wasn't sleeping.
BC: MY dream!
{Pause}
MK: BEAR! Why are there clothes all over the floor in my closet?
BC: I don't know!
MK: But you said ....
{Pause}
MK: BEAR! Why are there clothes all over the floor in my closet?
BC: I don't know!
MK: But you said ....
BC: GARY AND LARRY!
MK: Bear, you can't blame everything on Gary and Larry, the invisible, trouble-making aliens.
BC: Why not?
BC: Why not?
MK: Because they don't exist.
BC: Then how did your clothes get all over floor? And how did my food bowl move? And how did your itch medication get flushed down the toilet?
BC: Then how did your clothes get all over floor? And how did my food bowl move? And how did your itch medication get flushed down the toilet?
MK: BEAR! My itch medication?
BC: RATS!
MK: Bear?
BC: GARY AND LARRY!
MK: I should turn this into a drinking game. Every time you say, "Gary and Larry!" I swig some happy drinks. Living with you would be so much easier.
BC: You mean living with Gary and Larry.
MK: SWIG!
BC: Well, if two measly aliens drive you to drink ...
MK: Two measly aliens?
BC: GARY AND LARRY!
MK: SWIG!
BC: I don't like this new game.
BC: GARY AND LARRY!
MK: I should turn this into a drinking game. Every time you say, "Gary and Larry!" I swig some happy drinks. Living with you would be so much easier.
BC: You mean living with Gary and Larry.
MK: SWIG!
BC: Well, if two measly aliens drive you to drink ...
MK: Two measly aliens?
BC: GARY AND LARRY!
MK: SWIG!
BC: I don't like this new game.
MK: I don't like when you make messes.
BC: I don't MAKE anything, it's GARY AND LARRY!
BC: I don't MAKE anything, it's GARY AND LARRY!
MK: SWIG!
BC: Holy monkey noodles! You need a life! If you drink by yourself, certainly you have a problem!
BC: Holy monkey noodles! You need a life! If you drink by yourself, certainly you have a problem!
MK: I'm drinking with Gary and Larry.
BC: GARY AND LARRY?
MK: SWIG! WooHOO!
BC: I have some serious reservations about this ...
MK: GARY AND LARRY! SWIG!
BC: Hey! I didn't say Gary and Larry that time!
MK: SWIG!
BC: RATS! Put the drink down!
MK: I'm not drinking.
BC: I'm WATCHING you ...
MK: Gary and Larry are drinking. SWIG!
BC: Oh, now I've heard everything! I'm WATCHING you and Gary and Larry ...
MK: SWIG!
BC: Stop that!
MK: Stop what?
BC: Swigging every time I say, "Gary and Larry!"
MK: SWIG!
BC: I'm gonna need more catnip.
MK: I'm going to need more vodka!
BC: Gary and Larry have turned my Momma into a lush!
MK: SWIG!
BC: Evil, evil aliens!
MK: Who?
BC: GARY AND LARRY!
MK: SWIG!
{Pause}
MK: Garly and Gnarly!
BC: You mean Gary and Larry?
MK: SWIG!
BC: RATS!
MK: Life is so much more fun with aliens.
BC: ALIENS DON'T EXIST!
{Silence}
BC: Uh oh. Is any of that vodka left?
MK: It was water.
BC: (BLEEP)! Fooling your sweet little kitty cat! You should be ashamed!
MK: I'm not sorry.
BC: THAT'S MY LINE!
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: You're an evil, evil ... {sigh}. I love you too, Momma.
Bear's "apology" for yesterday? If you read yesterday's post, The lobster, you'll know Bear was a little rough on Momma when she got home from a couple-days-long trip. Today, Momma found one of Bear's favorite (new) toys in her place (right by her pillow) on her bed. Bear likes giving Momma gifts (his toys), but the ones he brings onto the bed take extra work and gets Momma right in the feels.
The best defense is a good offense:
BC: Why is my fur in the toilet?
MK: What?
BC: There's a ball of my fur in the toilet!
MK: Oh, right. After I brush you and wash your chin with the acne pad, I use the pad to pull all your fur out of the brush. This time, we were nearer to the bathroom than the trash can.
BC: TRASH CAN? Next thing you're going to tell me is that you don't keep all the fur you steal from me!
MK: Err ...
BC: {GASP} NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Why do you brush me if you're just going to throw away the result?
MK: Because you shed and if I don't brush you, you'll either walk around in a cloud of fur or swallow it. Hair balls don't feel so good, do they?
BC: YOU KEPT KITTY'S FUR! And you hardly ever brushed her!
MK: Bear! I kept ONE swatch of her fur when she died. ONE. From the light brown patch on her back. And I didn't brush her as much as I brush you because she HATED it. If I didn't brush her while she ate her wet food treat, she wouldn't have put up with it and she'd have killed me.
BC: MY FUR IS IN THE TOILET!!! Am I next? Is that how little you value me? First, you fleece my beautiful, well-maintained coat ... and then you toss it in the toilet like ... like ... well, you know what!
MK: If you could see in the toilet, that means you were on the bathroom counter. What were you doing there?
BC: Well, after I saw my fur in there, I emptied the shelves above the toilet into the toilet. Along with your toothbrush.
MK: Nice.
BC: I assumed the toilet was where you put all your valuable stuff for safe keeping.
MK: I'm sure. But why were you on the counter to begin with to even see in the toilet?
BC: Err ... umm ...
{Pause}
BC: THAT'S IRRELEVANT! Why are you flushing my beautiful plumage down the toilet? HUH?
MK: The best defense is a good offense?
BC: WHAT?!?! We're talking about my beautiful fur! NOTHING about my fur is offensive!
MK: If you hadn't been on the bathroom counter, you wouldn't have seen in the toilet and gotten upset.
BC: Oh, so now it's MY fault? Like if I didn't see you throw away my fur it didn't happen? You're never touching my fur EVER AGAIN!
MK: Don't you think that's a little drastic?
BC: NO! YOU JUST RUINED MY ENTIRE LIFE!
MK: You said that yesterday.
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: Lovely.
BC: SO'S MY FUR! HMPH! {Bear turns around, flicks his tail in defiance and walks away in a cloud of furry fury}.
MK: {mumbling to herself} He does that so well ... it's ***ALMOST*** worth ticking him off JUST to see him do that tail flick and prance of defiance.
{Thirty minutes pass}
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
MK: Hi, Bear.
BC: Pet me!
MK: But ...
BC: Pet me!
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: I love you, Momma.
MK: I'm so glad you decided that I could touch your fur again.
BC: Well, THAT'S ridiculous. Why couldn't you touch my fur?
MK: You said ...
BC: RATS! Don't touch me!
{Pause}
BC: Err ... pet me.
{Pause}
BC: NO! Don't touch me!
{Pause}
BC: Err ... touch me a little.
{Pause}
BC: No, no! Touch me and die!
{Pause}
BC: Just one more ear rub.
{Pause}
BC: Nope! That's IT!
{Pause}
BC: Aww, hell's biscuits. YOU WON'T TOUCH MY BEAUTIFUL FUR AGAIN STARTING TOMORROW!
Bear's just a love bug. Witnessing the fight between his prickly, indignant feline side and his need for love (and Momma) makes all the battles worth it.
Here, you can see the light brown patch on Kitty's back that Momma's so incredibly fond of (that and her ONE white back paw with the pink paw pads ... SQUEE! SO CUTE!). Of course, if you touched either, she wouldn't hesitate to kill you.
How to get to Bear's food bowl:
MK: Hi, Bear.
BC: Whew! You're finally awake!
MK: What's wrong?
BC: I've been doing a lot of redecorating!
MK: Uh oh. Am I going to regret waking up?
{Pause}
MK: BEAR!
BC: Uh oh.
MK: Why are there signs all over the house pointing in the direction of your food bowl?
BC: Because I want to be sure that any food that walks in the door knows where to go!
MK: Bear. Food just doesn't walk in the door.
BC: Then how does the food get to my food bowl? The food fairy? Wait, wait! I have a song! {AHEM}
Nummy Day,
Sweepin' the hungry away
With chicken, fish, turkey, tuna AND beef.
Can you tell tasty whole noms
How to get to Bear's food bowl.
Come and lie,
Everything will die,
Hungry Bear Cat's there,
That's where he eats.
Can you tell tasty whole noms
How to get to Bear's food bowl.
Nummy Day,
... turn right at the loveseat.
Or starting from the cat tree (next to the front window), go right ...
When you get to the couch, continue right (right if looking toward the couch).
Or, if you're looking opposite the couch, continue left (left if looking at the entertainment center).
Bear leaves nothing to chance and will supervise ...
When you reach the hallway, go right.
At the end of the hall, turn left and you walk into his food bowl.
Bear will be waiting.
Now, if you accidentally (humans!) go in the master bedroom on the opposite side of the hallway and see the bed on your right (or start at the window in the master bedroom), turn around and go back toward the hallway.
If you cross the hallway and miss the food bowl AGAIN (idiot!) and you get to the cedar chest on the right in the second bedroom (or start at the window in the second bedroom), turn right ...
Until you get to the unused mini fridge Momma uses as a table ...
... and watch out for the food bowl this time!!! Bear will be waiting for you!
It took you long enough!!! {AHEM} This is where you flop down in Bear's food bowl because Bear's obviously (and always) hungry.
Now, for the dummies among you (psst ... MOMMA!) ...
If you see either if these things ... proceed accordingly. Of course, Bear will probably STARVE by the time you find his food bowl if you managed to wander this far off course ... in which case, you can probably just follow the moans of starvation.
Nummy Day,
Sweepin' the hungry away
With chicken, fish, turkey, tuna AND beef.
Can you tell tasty whole noms
How to get to Bear's food bowl.
How to get to Bear's food bowl.
{Pause}
With chicken, fish, turkey, tuna AND beef.
Can you tell tasty whole noms
How to get to Bear's food bowl.
How to get to Bear's food bowl.
{Pause}
BC: TADA!
MK: How ... how ... err ...
BC: Great, wasn't it?
MK: Umm ... sure.
BC: I spent a lot of time making the signs ... I wrote them all by paw. I tried to use the scanner to copy one and this is what I got:
MK: Did you put the sign on the glass plate?
BC: NO! I was holding it in my front paw!
MK: I don't see it in the scan.
BC: Uh oh.
MK: Did you get distracted by the moving light again?
BC: Err ... no.
{Pause}
BC: {sigh} Maybe. I must've dropped the sign while I hunted the light.
{Pause}
BC: Look at that kitty belly! So adorable! Don't you think it's HANDSOME?
MK: You wrote a lot of signs by paw!
BC: I needed a lot so I could place them so that there's a marked path from every door and window to my food bowl!
MK: Bear, I'm the one that feeds you.
BC: YOU DON'T DO A VERY GOOD JOB!
MK: I watch your weight.
BC: And I watch YOUR weight. Maybe you should lay off the Kit Kats?
MK: Not what I meant.
BC: Well, at least the signs will direct you to my food bowl should you get lost.
MK: When have I EVER gotten lost on the way to your food bowl?
BC: Err ... I meant the signs will remind you to feed me.
MK: When have I EVER forgotten to feed you?
BC: Well, the ... umm ... that ... err ... LOTS OF TIMES!
MK: When?
BC: Umm ... You should be ashamed of yourself! Interrogating your cute little kitty cat like a common criminal! I can't handle the stress!
MK: When you make an outrageous claim, I'm allowed to question the proof you have to back up the claim.
BC: WAIT! You can't TAKE DOWN the signs!
MK: Bear. There are TWELVE SIGNS. Our house is less than 900 square feet. This is ridiculous.
BC: Then we need a bigger house. OH! I forgot the bathroom!
MK: BEAR! The only way anything is going to enter our house through the bathroom is if it comes up through the toilet.
BC: EXACTLY! Hello, fishy!
MK: You're ridiculous. First this "tasty, whole" business. Then your belief that animals are just going to walk in the house and surrender themselves in your food bowl. And NOW the signs! What's next?
BC: Good question. Let me think about it!
MK: That was a rhetorical question!
BC: My belly doesn't recognize rhetorical questions. Unless they are tasty AND whole rhetorical questions.
If you're a chicken, fish, turkey, tuna, or cow (tasty variety ONLY):
How do you get to Bear's food bowl? Start at the front door and walk toward the loveseat ...
BC: I spent a lot of time making the signs ... I wrote them all by paw. I tried to use the scanner to copy one and this is what I got:
MK: Did you put the sign on the glass plate?
BC: NO! I was holding it in my front paw!
MK: I don't see it in the scan.
BC: Uh oh.
MK: Did you get distracted by the moving light again?
BC: Err ... no.
{Pause}
BC: {sigh} Maybe. I must've dropped the sign while I hunted the light.
{Pause}
BC: Look at that kitty belly! So adorable! Don't you think it's HANDSOME?
MK: You wrote a lot of signs by paw!
BC: I needed a lot so I could place them so that there's a marked path from every door and window to my food bowl!
MK: Bear, I'm the one that feeds you.
BC: YOU DON'T DO A VERY GOOD JOB!
MK: I watch your weight.
BC: And I watch YOUR weight. Maybe you should lay off the Kit Kats?
MK: Not what I meant.
BC: Well, at least the signs will direct you to my food bowl should you get lost.
MK: When have I EVER gotten lost on the way to your food bowl?
BC: Err ... I meant the signs will remind you to feed me.
MK: When have I EVER forgotten to feed you?
BC: Well, the ... umm ... that ... err ... LOTS OF TIMES!
MK: When?
BC: Umm ... You should be ashamed of yourself! Interrogating your cute little kitty cat like a common criminal! I can't handle the stress!
MK: When you make an outrageous claim, I'm allowed to question the proof you have to back up the claim.
BC: WAIT! You can't TAKE DOWN the signs!
MK: Bear. There are TWELVE SIGNS. Our house is less than 900 square feet. This is ridiculous.
BC: Then we need a bigger house. OH! I forgot the bathroom!
MK: BEAR! The only way anything is going to enter our house through the bathroom is if it comes up through the toilet.
BC: EXACTLY! Hello, fishy!
MK: You're ridiculous. First this "tasty, whole" business. Then your belief that animals are just going to walk in the house and surrender themselves in your food bowl. And NOW the signs! What's next?
BC: Good question. Let me think about it!
MK: That was a rhetorical question!
BC: My belly doesn't recognize rhetorical questions. Unless they are tasty AND whole rhetorical questions.
If you're a chicken, fish, turkey, tuna, or cow (tasty variety ONLY):
How do you get to Bear's food bowl? Start at the front door and walk toward the loveseat ...
... turn right at the loveseat.
Or starting from the cat tree (next to the front window), go right ...
When you get to the couch, continue right (right if looking toward the couch).
Or, if you're looking opposite the couch, continue left (left if looking at the entertainment center).
Bear leaves nothing to chance and will supervise ...
When you reach the hallway, go right.
At the end of the hall, turn left and you walk into his food bowl.
Bear will be waiting.
Now, if you accidentally (humans!) go in the master bedroom on the opposite side of the hallway and see the bed on your right (or start at the window in the master bedroom), turn around and go back toward the hallway.
If you cross the hallway and miss the food bowl AGAIN (idiot!) and you get to the cedar chest on the right in the second bedroom (or start at the window in the second bedroom), turn right ...
Until you get to the unused mini fridge Momma uses as a table ...
... and watch out for the food bowl this time!!! Bear will be waiting for you!
It took you long enough!!! {AHEM} This is where you flop down in Bear's food bowl because Bear's obviously (and always) hungry.
Now, for the dummies among you (psst ... MOMMA!) ...
If you see either if these things ... proceed accordingly. Of course, Bear will probably STARVE by the time you find his food bowl if you managed to wander this far off course ... in which case, you can probably just follow the moans of starvation.
Better than silence:
BC: MY FOOD BOWL IS MISSING!
MK: Bear ....
MK: Bear ....
BC: What? You got mad at my signs so you took away my food bowl so random animals couldn't find their way anymore?
MK: Bear, you SAW me move your food bowl to the other room.
BC: Is this to confuse the tasty whole chickens, tunas, fishies, turkeys, and cows that come looking for my food bowl? I was guarding the signs too well so you couldn't take them down so you moved my food bowl instead to thwart the whole operation?
MK: No. I gave you some of those special treats I got in the swag bag at the BlogPaws conference, and not only did you not eat them, but they drew ants from I have no idea where since I haven't seen them in here since last year.
BC: OOoh! Were they tasty whole ants? Maybe they followed my signs!
MK: Bear, ants can't read.
BC: How do you know? Have you ever asked one?
MK: Bear, ants can't read.
BC: How do you know? Have you ever asked one?
MK: Never mind.
BC: The ants followed my signs! That's the only explanation! They weren't here before I put up the signs and within 24 hours of me putting them up, they came! THE SIGNS WORKED!!! THE SIGNS WORKED!!! Happy day!!! In no time, my bowl will be full of turkeys and tunas and lots of nummy stuff!
MK: Bear, you walked right past the ants like they weren't even there. And I moved your food bowl to get rid of anything that could have kept the ones there that I missed. If I'd kept your food bowl there, they'd have eventually been in your regular food bowl.
BC: The ants followed my signs! That's the only explanation! They weren't here before I put up the signs and within 24 hours of me putting them up, they came! THE SIGNS WORKED!!! THE SIGNS WORKED!!! Happy day!!! In no time, my bowl will be full of turkeys and tunas and lots of nummy stuff!
MK: Bear, you walked right past the ants like they weren't even there. And I moved your food bowl to get rid of anything that could have kept the ones there that I missed. If I'd kept your food bowl there, they'd have eventually been in your regular food bowl.
BC: EXACTLY! That's why I put the signs up!
MK: They would have been EATING your food you pain in the butt ... not surrendering themselves as it.
BC: If they ate my food, they'd be FAT, EXTRA tasty, whole ants.
MK: You're ridiculous.
BC: If they ate my food, they'd be FAT, EXTRA tasty, whole ants.
MK: You're ridiculous.
BC: Yesterday's comments said my plan with the signs was genius!
MK: They definitely learned you think with your belly.
BC: The hardest part was finding a pen to make the signs. You have NO IDEA how hard it is to find a pen around here! Every time I need one, I CAN'T FIND ONE! You'd think somecat came in here during the night and batted them all under the furniture. Oh, wait. No. That's me. RATS!
MK: Welcome to my life.
BC: You bat the pens under the furniture too?
{Pause}
BC: WHAT?!?! Why are you LOOKING at me like that?
MK: Why do I get the feeling you know EXACTLY what I mean when I say something, you just PRETEND to think I said something else entirely to irritate me?
BC: Because irritating you is too fun to resist.
MK: Great.
BC: Oops.
MK: Speaking of signs, how about I make one for you?
BC: COOL! What would it say? HANDSOME? SEXY? FEROCIOUS? PURVEYOR ... NO! CONNOISSEUR of TASTY WHOLE NOMS?
MK: "SOMECAT."
{Pause}
BC: Well that's not very ... Do you want to hear my song again?
MK: Once wasn't enough?
BC: You're right! It wasn't! {AHEM}
Nummy Day,
Sweepin' the hungry away
With chicken, fish, turkey, tuna AND beef.
Can you tell tasty whole noms
How to get to Bear's food bowl.
Come and lie,
Everything will die,
Hungry Bear Cat's there,
That's where he eats.
MK: That's enough ...
BC: TADA!
MK: My cat, the consummate showman.
BC: OH! OH! You want a show? I'll GIVE you a show! I can sing and dance! I can play the ... play the ... err ... what instrument do I play?
MK: My nerves?
BC: Hahaha! And your patience! For my next number ...
MK: Bear ...
BC: {THWACK!} {CRASH!} TADA! I call that falling toaster! SO much easier when it's unplugged.
MK: Can I have a bit of peace and quiet?
{Pause}
BC: You're welcome. WHEW! That was tough to keep quiet for that long!
MK: {sigh} Come here, Love Bug.
BC: OOOOOOOH! SNUGGLES! I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you too, Bug.
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
MK: {thinking} Better than silence?
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
MK: Welcome to my life.
BC: You bat the pens under the furniture too?
{Pause}
BC: WHAT?!?! Why are you LOOKING at me like that?
MK: Why do I get the feeling you know EXACTLY what I mean when I say something, you just PRETEND to think I said something else entirely to irritate me?
BC: Because irritating you is too fun to resist.
MK: Great.
BC: Oops.
MK: Speaking of signs, how about I make one for you?
BC: COOL! What would it say? HANDSOME? SEXY? FEROCIOUS? PURVEYOR ... NO! CONNOISSEUR of TASTY WHOLE NOMS?
MK: "SOMECAT."
{Pause}
BC: Well that's not very ... Do you want to hear my song again?
MK: Once wasn't enough?
BC: You're right! It wasn't! {AHEM}
Nummy Day,
Sweepin' the hungry away
With chicken, fish, turkey, tuna AND beef.
Can you tell tasty whole noms
How to get to Bear's food bowl.
Come and lie,
Everything will die,
Hungry Bear Cat's there,
That's where he eats.
MK: That's enough ...
BC: TADA!
MK: My cat, the consummate showman.
BC: OH! OH! You want a show? I'll GIVE you a show! I can sing and dance! I can play the ... play the ... err ... what instrument do I play?
MK: My nerves?
BC: Hahaha! And your patience! For my next number ...
MK: Bear ...
BC: {THWACK!} {CRASH!} TADA! I call that falling toaster! SO much easier when it's unplugged.
MK: Can I have a bit of peace and quiet?
{Pause}
BC: You're welcome. WHEW! That was tough to keep quiet for that long!
MK: {sigh} Come here, Love Bug.
BC: OOOOOOOH! SNUGGLES! I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you too, Bug.
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
MK: {thinking} Better than silence?
BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Chickpocalypse:
BC: La de da, la de {GASP!}.
{Pause}
BC: MOMMA! MooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMAAAA!
{Pause}
BC: MOMMA! It's an emergency! Err ... a TRAVESTY! A plagiarism! No! Scrap that last one.
MK: What? What's wrong?
BC: MY SIGNS!
MK: What?
BC: Some tasty whole noms came in, ripped up my signs, and escaped! Under my nose!
MK: {trying not to laugh}.
BC: And ... and ... the pieces are in my LITTER BOX!
MK: {failing to suppress a bit of laughter}.
BC: But ... but ... only (BLEEP) goes in my litter box! My signs aren't (BLEEP)!
MK: I'm sorry, Bear.
BC: Those feisty tasty whole noms wanted to keep other noms from falling into my food bowl!
MK: That's HORRIBLE!
BC: AHEM.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: Please remove the sign from my litter box.
MK: Why?
BC: I have to poop!
MK: Just go!
BC: No! I can't desecrate my sign by POOPING on it!
MK: PIECES of your sign.
BC: I can't desecrate my sign by POOPING on pieces of it! I'll hold it ... {GRUNT} ... until {GRUUUUUUNT} ...
MK: Oh, THIS is ridiculous!
BC: FINALLY!
{Pause}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
BC: Now that I am no longer full of poop ... back to business. I wonder which ones did it.
MK: What do you mean?
BC: The tasty whole chickens? The tasty whole tunas? The tasty whole fish? The tasty whole turkeys? The tasty whole cows?
MK: Are you sure you're still not full of poop?
BC: Can you smell?
MK: I didn't mean that LITER ... {sigh}.
BC: Chickens are like cats ... they can't be trusted.
MK: {barely stifling a laugh}.
BC: But the fish are slippery. The turkeys are tricky. And the cows act confused, but you can't ever trust anything with spots or that farts that much.
MK: I bet ...
BC: IT WAS THE CHICKENS!
MK: I'm sorry?
BC: Chickens scratch right?
MK: Err ...
BC: Oh, come on! Haven't you heard of chicken scratch?
MK: Okay?
BC: I scratch in my litter box.
MK: I'm not following.
BC: If you don't see it, I can't explain it to you. They thought they'd trick me so I'd blame the turkeys, but that's just fowl!
MK: FOUL!
BC: That's what I said!
MK: Maybe it was the aliens.
BC: Don't be ridiculous. Aliens don't go anywhere near litter boxes.
MK: That makes sense. The smell ...
BC: That's why cats get the crazies RIGHT AFTER they go in the litter box.
MK: Okay?
BC: We re-enter the alien zone and it takes a bit to readjust to the voices again.
MK: I'll take your word for it.
BC: THAT'S IT! I DECLARE WAR ON THE CHICKENS!
MK: How's that different than any other day?
BC: {glaring at Momma}.
MK: War it is!
BC: I have to strategize. And arm myself. The chickpocalypse is coming and it's going to be ugly.
MK: I'm not sure a war and an apocalypse are {seeing Bear's glare} ... err, chickpocalypse it is.
BC: How do you arm yourself against chickens? Or wait ... do you have to wing yourself?
MK: I think "arming" is fine.
BC: You better be right. This is very serious. Do we have a nugget maker?
MK: Excuse me?
BC: I want to arm myself with a nugget maker! Isn't that what chickens' fear? Or maybe pox? Where do I get pox for chickens? OOOH! And we have to set a TRAP.
MK: A chicken trap?
BC: What other kind of trap would catch a chicken?!?! THINK, Momma. THINK! Think like a chicken.
MK: Isn't that what you do when you hide under the bed?
BC: Chickens don't hide under the bed!
{Pause}
BC: Do they? I'm going to have to adjust my strategy for that ... err ... and maybe you should check under the beds ... not because I'm SCARED, but because ... because ... ummm ...
MK: All great generals learn to delegate?
BC: WE NEED A GATE TOO?!?!? What's a del? Or did you mean a chickengate? By the time I'm finally prepared for the chickpocalypse it will be TOO LATE! {YAWN!}
{Pause}
BC: Time for a nap!
MK: But ...
BC: What?
MK: Nothing.
BC: Naps are so much better right after you've pooped.
MK: {to herself} Thanks so much for sharing ...
Bananas and POOF!:
BC: Momma! MoooooommmMMMA! MOMMA! Look!
MK: What? What's wrong?
BC: La de da, la de {GASP!}.
{Pause}
BC: MOMMA! MooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMAAAA!
{Pause}
BC: MOMMA! It's an emergency! Err ... a TRAVESTY! A plagiarism! No! Scrap that last one.
MK: What? What's wrong?
BC: MY SIGNS!
MK: What?
BC: Some tasty whole noms came in, ripped up my signs, and escaped! Under my nose!
MK: {trying not to laugh}.
BC: And ... and ... the pieces are in my LITTER BOX!
MK: {failing to suppress a bit of laughter}.
BC: But ... but ... only (BLEEP) goes in my litter box! My signs aren't (BLEEP)!
MK: I'm sorry, Bear.
BC: Those feisty tasty whole noms wanted to keep other noms from falling into my food bowl!
MK: That's HORRIBLE!
BC: AHEM.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: Please remove the sign from my litter box.
MK: Why?
BC: I have to poop!
MK: Just go!
BC: No! I can't desecrate my sign by POOPING on it!
MK: PIECES of your sign.
BC: I can't desecrate my sign by POOPING on pieces of it! I'll hold it ... {GRUNT} ... until {GRUUUUUUNT} ...
MK: Oh, THIS is ridiculous!
BC: FINALLY!
{Pause}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
BC: Now that I am no longer full of poop ... back to business. I wonder which ones did it.
MK: What do you mean?
BC: The tasty whole chickens? The tasty whole tunas? The tasty whole fish? The tasty whole turkeys? The tasty whole cows?
MK: Are you sure you're still not full of poop?
BC: Can you smell?
MK: I didn't mean that LITER ... {sigh}.
BC: Chickens are like cats ... they can't be trusted.
MK: {barely stifling a laugh}.
BC: But the fish are slippery. The turkeys are tricky. And the cows act confused, but you can't ever trust anything with spots or that farts that much.
MK: I bet ...
BC: IT WAS THE CHICKENS!
MK: I'm sorry?
BC: Chickens scratch right?
MK: Err ...
BC: Oh, come on! Haven't you heard of chicken scratch?
MK: Okay?
BC: I scratch in my litter box.
MK: I'm not following.
BC: If you don't see it, I can't explain it to you. They thought they'd trick me so I'd blame the turkeys, but that's just fowl!
MK: FOUL!
BC: That's what I said!
MK: Maybe it was the aliens.
BC: Don't be ridiculous. Aliens don't go anywhere near litter boxes.
MK: That makes sense. The smell ...
BC: That's why cats get the crazies RIGHT AFTER they go in the litter box.
MK: Okay?
BC: We re-enter the alien zone and it takes a bit to readjust to the voices again.
MK: I'll take your word for it.
BC: THAT'S IT! I DECLARE WAR ON THE CHICKENS!
MK: How's that different than any other day?
BC: {glaring at Momma}.
MK: War it is!
BC: I have to strategize. And arm myself. The chickpocalypse is coming and it's going to be ugly.
MK: I'm not sure a war and an apocalypse are {seeing Bear's glare} ... err, chickpocalypse it is.
BC: How do you arm yourself against chickens? Or wait ... do you have to wing yourself?
MK: I think "arming" is fine.
BC: You better be right. This is very serious. Do we have a nugget maker?
MK: Excuse me?
BC: I want to arm myself with a nugget maker! Isn't that what chickens' fear? Or maybe pox? Where do I get pox for chickens? OOOH! And we have to set a TRAP.
MK: A chicken trap?
BC: What other kind of trap would catch a chicken?!?! THINK, Momma. THINK! Think like a chicken.
MK: Isn't that what you do when you hide under the bed?
BC: Chickens don't hide under the bed!
{Pause}
BC: Do they? I'm going to have to adjust my strategy for that ... err ... and maybe you should check under the beds ... not because I'm SCARED, but because ... because ... ummm ...
MK: All great generals learn to delegate?
BC: WE NEED A GATE TOO?!?!? What's a del? Or did you mean a chickengate? By the time I'm finally prepared for the chickpocalypse it will be TOO LATE! {YAWN!}
{Pause}
BC: Time for a nap!
MK: But ...
BC: What?
MK: Nothing.
BC: Naps are so much better right after you've pooped.
MK: {to herself} Thanks so much for sharing ...
Bananas and POOF!:
BC: Momma! MoooooommmMMMA! MOMMA! Look!
MK: What? What's wrong?
BC: You're falling apart!
MK: That's a little extreme ...
BC: You're losing pieces!
MK: What?
BC: Look! YOU'RE LOSING PIECES! SEE! A chunk just fell off your arm!
MK: What are you ...
BC: You better fill my food bowl and give me my wet food treat now just in case you disintegrate by my food time!
MK: What are you ...
BC: AHH! Part of your head!
MK: BEAR! I'm peeling.
BC: I don't want to know what's inside! Just keep your skin ON!
MK: Bear ...
BC: You're NOT a banana! No wait a minute. You are BANANAS, but you aren't A BANANA.
MK: No. My SUNBURN is peeling. The skin got burned so the old burned skin peels off.
BC: You're losing pieces!
MK: What?
BC: Look! YOU'RE LOSING PIECES! SEE! A chunk just fell off your arm!
MK: What are you ...
BC: You better fill my food bowl and give me my wet food treat now just in case you disintegrate by my food time!
MK: What are you ...
BC: AHH! Part of your head!
MK: BEAR! I'm peeling.
BC: I don't want to know what's inside! Just keep your skin ON!
MK: Bear ...
BC: You're NOT a banana! No wait a minute. You are BANANAS, but you aren't A BANANA.
MK: No. My SUNBURN is peeling. The skin got burned so the old burned skin peels off.
BC: That's disgusting!
MK: Says the cat that leaves dander everywhere, licks his own butt, and doesn't think twice about rolling in the mud and then cleaning himself on the blanket on my bed.
BC: You act like I do that all the time!
MK: And?
BC: Oh. (BLEEP)!
MK: {to herself} Can't scratch ... can't scratch ... itchy, itchy, itchy!
BC: Don't worry, Momma! I'll help you!
MK: Wha?
BC: MROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
MK: OWWWWWWW! Why'd you scratch me?
BC: Because you couldn't scratch your itch! I was HELPING.
MK: No. I can't scratch because my scratching makes it worse!
BC: EXACTLY. So I scratched your itch FOR you.
MK: It doesn't matter WHO scratches me ... scratching makes it worse!
BC: NOW you tell me!
MK: Believe me, I wish I'd been clear and specific about that before.
BC: I'm good at scratching.
MK: No kidding. Which reminds me. It's time to clip your claws.
BC: WHAT?!?!? I was just trying to HELP and now you're taking my life's blood away from me!
MK: No. I'm preserving MY life's blood from a cat that's just A LITTLE BIT too claw happy.
BC: Your life is MEAN. MEAN. MEAN, MEAN!
MK: And yet, I keep my claws to myself.
BC: NOT true! Your filthy claws clip my claws!
MK: It DOESN'T hurt you!
BC: How do you know? YOU'RE NOT A CAT!
MK: I know because you freaked me out enough with your little trauma drama that I asked the vet on FIVE different yearly visits if it could POSSIBLY hurt you to clip your claws.
BC: So now the vet's a cat?
MK: Bear ... the vet could barely contain her laughter until we left.
BC: Which time?
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: And you believe HER over ME?
MK: Kind of. Though I'm still not sure. I just stopped asking because of the looks she gave me. Now that she left and we've seen the other guy for awhile, maybe I'll ask him. He probably hasn't read every detail of your chart to know how many times I've asked the question before.
BC: SO YOU ADMIT IT!
MK: NO. I only admit that I'm still worried. But I worry your tumor will grow back even though it wasn't the kind that grows back. I'm also worried you're going to burn the house down.
BC: That sounds fun! But I'm not allowed to play with matches! Or the toaster.
{Pause}
BC: Oh.
{Pause}
BC: I have a deal for you!
MK: Oh no.
BC: If you don't clip my claws, I won't burn down the house.
MK: Bear, it's not funny to even JOKE about that.
BC: Am I laughing?
MK: All your food, all your toys, your litter box, your cat tree ... ALL in the house. What do you think would happen to all of them if you started the house on fire?
BC: That's not even funny to JOKE about!
MK: Exactly.
BC: SHEESH! Do YOU have an attitude problem today! I make ONE LITTLE JOKE!
MK: POOF! To ALL your food and toys, Bear. POOF!
BC: Oh, shut up. You don't have to RUB IT IN.
MK: Says the cat that leaves dander everywhere, licks his own butt, and doesn't think twice about rolling in the mud and then cleaning himself on the blanket on my bed.
BC: You act like I do that all the time!
MK: And?
BC: Oh. (BLEEP)!
MK: {to herself} Can't scratch ... can't scratch ... itchy, itchy, itchy!
BC: Don't worry, Momma! I'll help you!
MK: Wha?
BC: MROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
MK: OWWWWWWW! Why'd you scratch me?
BC: Because you couldn't scratch your itch! I was HELPING.
MK: No. I can't scratch because my scratching makes it worse!
BC: EXACTLY. So I scratched your itch FOR you.
MK: It doesn't matter WHO scratches me ... scratching makes it worse!
BC: NOW you tell me!
MK: Believe me, I wish I'd been clear and specific about that before.
BC: I'm good at scratching.
MK: No kidding. Which reminds me. It's time to clip your claws.
BC: WHAT?!?!? I was just trying to HELP and now you're taking my life's blood away from me!
MK: No. I'm preserving MY life's blood from a cat that's just A LITTLE BIT too claw happy.
BC: Your life is MEAN. MEAN. MEAN, MEAN!
MK: And yet, I keep my claws to myself.
BC: NOT true! Your filthy claws clip my claws!
MK: It DOESN'T hurt you!
BC: How do you know? YOU'RE NOT A CAT!
MK: I know because you freaked me out enough with your little trauma drama that I asked the vet on FIVE different yearly visits if it could POSSIBLY hurt you to clip your claws.
BC: So now the vet's a cat?
MK: Bear ... the vet could barely contain her laughter until we left.
BC: Which time?
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: And you believe HER over ME?
MK: Kind of. Though I'm still not sure. I just stopped asking because of the looks she gave me. Now that she left and we've seen the other guy for awhile, maybe I'll ask him. He probably hasn't read every detail of your chart to know how many times I've asked the question before.
BC: SO YOU ADMIT IT!
MK: NO. I only admit that I'm still worried. But I worry your tumor will grow back even though it wasn't the kind that grows back. I'm also worried you're going to burn the house down.
BC: That sounds fun! But I'm not allowed to play with matches! Or the toaster.
{Pause}
BC: Oh.
{Pause}
BC: I have a deal for you!
MK: Oh no.
BC: If you don't clip my claws, I won't burn down the house.
MK: Bear, it's not funny to even JOKE about that.
BC: Am I laughing?
MK: All your food, all your toys, your litter box, your cat tree ... ALL in the house. What do you think would happen to all of them if you started the house on fire?
BC: That's not even funny to JOKE about!
MK: Exactly.
BC: SHEESH! Do YOU have an attitude problem today! I make ONE LITTLE JOKE!
MK: POOF! To ALL your food and toys, Bear. POOF!
BC: Oh, shut up. You don't have to RUB IT IN.
The line-up (Chickpocalypse - part 2):
BC: So I read all the comments on our post about the Chickpocalypse and I'm confused.
BC: WAIT A ... WE HAVE TO DO A LINE-UP!
MK: Bear! Stop pacing in front of the camera!
BC: Alright, let's print them!
MK: In what way?
BC: Well, one reader thought the weasel syndicate was to blame for my sign being ripped up in my litter box. Aren't weasels bad enough on their own? Now they're ORGANIZED? That's almost scarier than a Chickpocalypse with rogue, nasty-tasting, fractional chickens running around!
MK: Good point.
BC: But then another reader said I need a fox or a weasel because chickens fear them. So are weasels bad or good?
MK: I have no idea.
BC: Then another reader offered YOU hugs and prayers. Why do YOU need hugs and prayers, when I'M the one facing the evil chickens?
MK: I'm sure that's what they meant.
BC: One person said you better watch your Amazon (what we call Amoron) account because you might get a nugget maker in the mail. You said there isn't such a thing as a nugget maker! Did you lie? And why would you randomly get one in the mail? I'm so confused. Because I couldn't find 'chicken pox' on Amoron. Do you think they sell weasels or foxes? Should I get foxes AND weasels or will that just be messy with lots of goriness? Or should I skip the weasels because they could come back to bite me in the butt? I need to arm myself against the chickens!
{Pause}
BC: Which reminds me ... Another reader told me that she thought it was the turkeys! I mean, I know it's no coincidence that 'fowl' is pronounced like 'foul,' but gobbling and clucking ARE different. And you wouldn't use a nugget maker on turkeys. And can you give a turkey chickens' pox?
MK: I have no idea.
BC: YOU KEEP SAYING THAT! Don't you know ANYTHING?
MK: I also saw another reader point out that you were SUPPOSED to be on strike because you wanted tasty whole chickens. At least that's what you said on Sunday when I tried to take your picture for Sunday Selfie #7.
BC: RATS! I KNEW I was forgetting something! But now I'm even more confused. Should I still be on strike even though I don't want any more rebellious chickens? Should I still want chickens, if only to exact my revenge? Those chickens just cause a lot of trouble!
BC: RATS! I KNEW I was forgetting something! But now I'm even more confused. Should I still be on strike even though I don't want any more rebellious chickens? Should I still want chickens, if only to exact my revenge? Those chickens just cause a lot of trouble!
MK: It's true. And several readers suggested NOT declaring war on the chickens.
BC: But ... but ... chickens are so WHOLE and so TASTY! And I'm willing to share my chickens! Plus! They TORE UP MY SIGNS!
MK: Err ... actually, one of your friends pointed out that the perpetrator might be closer to you than you think.
BC: The alien? Can he be trusted? Or is he just trying to obfuscate his and Gary's activities?
MK: {sigh}.
BC: His hint was, "You love her ... sometimes."
MK: {sigh}.
BC: His hint was, "You love her ... sometimes."
{Pause}
BC: {GASP!} PINK MOUSIE?!?! THAT HARLOT!
MK: Oh for the love of ...
MK: Oh for the love of ...
BC: Like most women, she's caused me a lot of problems already! She likes to go swimming - in the toilet or in my water bowl - and that gets me in trouble.
BC: A few times, she disappeared just to spite me. Like the time you found her when you turned the garbage disposal on.
BC: A few times, she disappeared just to spite me. Like the time you found her when you turned the garbage disposal on.
MK: Bear ...
BC: Oh ... no wait. I put her there that time. She was being mischievous and I just don't put up with that disrespect - not even from pink mousie! Things often get broken around here when I'm disciplining my micey. Catlateral damage. But back to her deceit! I almost declared war on the chickens over her deceit! Imagine if my plans had gone forward! I'd be chicken-less!
MK: Umm ... Bear? You ARE chicken-less.
BC: Sheesh. You don't have to rub it in!
{Pause}
BC: I need to have a conversation with pink mousie!
BC: {Indecipherable mumbles} Do you mind? We'd like PRIVACY! This is an 'A' and 'B' conversation! 'C' you later!
BC: Let's go to my office!
MK: Umm ... Bear? You ARE chicken-less.
BC: Sheesh. You don't have to rub it in!
{Pause}
BC: I need to have a conversation with pink mousie!
BC: {Indecipherable mumbles} Do you mind? We'd like PRIVACY! This is an 'A' and 'B' conversation! 'C' you later!
BC: Let's go to my office!
MK: What?
BC: I'm not talking to you!
MK: My desk chair is YOUR office?
MK: My desk chair is YOUR office?
BC: DO YOU MIND, I'M BUSY!
BC: WAIT A ... WE HAVE TO DO A LINE-UP!
MK: Maybe this is obvious, but WHY?
BC: Because that's how the police determine the perpetrator!
MK: If there are witnesses ... to pick the culprit out of a line-up.
BC: Nope. We have to do a line up. Pink mousie might be a lot of things, but a sign-ripping, litter box sniffer isn't one of them. Do the line up!
MK: Bear ... {seeing Bear's face} ... okay, okay.
BC: We need one of those backdrops.
MK: Bear ...
BC: NO! That's how you do it, Momma!
MK: Okay, okay. I'll make the backdrop. You round up the suspects.
{Pause as Momma and Bear work}
MK: Ready?
BC: Yes. First let's do them facing the camera.
BC: Now side-ways. I'm WATCHING you so you do it right!
BC: Because that's how the police determine the perpetrator!
MK: If there are witnesses ... to pick the culprit out of a line-up.
BC: Nope. We have to do a line up. Pink mousie might be a lot of things, but a sign-ripping, litter box sniffer isn't one of them. Do the line up!
MK: Bear ... {seeing Bear's face} ... okay, okay.
BC: We need one of those backdrops.
MK: Bear ...
BC: NO! That's how you do it, Momma!
MK: Okay, okay. I'll make the backdrop. You round up the suspects.
{Pause as Momma and Bear work}
MK: Ready?
BC: Yes. First let's do them facing the camera.
BC: Now side-ways. I'm WATCHING you so you do it right!
MK: Bear! Stop pacing in front of the camera!
BC: Alright, let's print them!
MK: Bear! No. Just no.
BC: But how will I know which one tore up my signs if we don't compare the prints on the torn signs to the suspects' prints?
MK: I'll humor you for a bit, but this is ridiculous!
BC: Then how am I going to find out who ripped up my signs?
MK: I DID IT!
BC: Hmph. It's about time.
MK: Wait ... WHAT?
BC: Hehehehehehe. You should have seen your face when I mentioned a nugget maker!
MK: (BLEEP) it, BEAR!
BC: Revenge is sweet. But not quite as sweet as tasty whole chickens.
MK: Bear, I spent a long time on this and you knew all along? (BLEEP)!
BC: On another subject, two of our feline friends said they'd never seen a cow close up before. We should organize a field trip to a cow factory!
BC: But how will I know which one tore up my signs if we don't compare the prints on the torn signs to the suspects' prints?
MK: I'll humor you for a bit, but this is ridiculous!
BC: Then how am I going to find out who ripped up my signs?
MK: I DID IT!
BC: Hmph. It's about time.
MK: Wait ... WHAT?
BC: Hehehehehehe. You should have seen your face when I mentioned a nugget maker!
MK: (BLEEP) it, BEAR!
BC: Revenge is sweet. But not quite as sweet as tasty whole chickens.
MK: Bear, I spent a long time on this and you knew all along? (BLEEP)!
BC: On another subject, two of our feline friends said they'd never seen a cow close up before. We should organize a field trip to a cow factory!
MK: Bear ...
BC: I know. I know. You say cows come from farms, but I'm not stupid. Everyone knows things are made in factories!
MK: Oh my head. I'm taking a nap.
BC: Do they sell nugget makers on Amoron? Because ...
MK: YOU'RE GROUNDED!
BC: Hehehehehehe. You'd think she'd secure her credit card.
MK: I heard that! What do you think I put in my pillow case that my head is now laying on?
BC: RATS!
MK: Oh my head. I'm taking a nap.
BC: Do they sell nugget makers on Amoron? Because ...
MK: YOU'RE GROUNDED!
BC: Hehehehehehe. You'd think she'd secure her credit card.
MK: I heard that! What do you think I put in my pillow case that my head is now laying on?
BC: RATS!
The trade in:
BC: Momma ....
{Pause}
BC: {GASP}! You're looking at KITTENS on your computer!
MK: Bear ....
BC: NO! I came to ask you a question and I see that you're looking at KITTENS on your computer! I'm not a used car! You can't just TRADE me in for a newer model!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Oh, I see how it is. A few broken things and you're done with me!
MK: A FEW?
BC: You think this is FUNNY?
MK: Bear ...
BC: Remember what happened with those 'cats being jerks' videos you used to watch online?
MK: But ...
BC: I try to give you the experience in cat and you get ALL MAD!
MK: Okay, but ...
BC: NO! I worked REALLY hard to be a jerk and you don't appreciate me!
MK: Well, ACTUALLY ... you didn't work THAT hard to be a jerk. I mean it DOES kind of come naturally to you.
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Those kittens don't come with instruction manuals either!
MK: Maybe a warranty?
BC: Hmph. Let me show you where to stick that warranty!
MK: OWW!
BC: Who's laughing NOW?
MK: Bear, I'm not trading you in for kittens.
BC: KITTENS. You didn't say anything about ONE KITTEN.
MK: Bear, I'm not trading you in for ONE KITTEN either!
BC: {narrowing his eyes} Then what are you trading me in for?
MK: A new set of furniture?
BC: BUT I WON'T BE HERE TO DESTROY IT!
{Pause}
BC: {GASP} You're giving the new kitten new furniture! Oh, I GET it! Just ERASE me from your life completely! Maybe some new carpet too?
MK: That's a great idea!
BC: HEY!
MK: Maybe I can trade you and your cat tree in to a chicken factory in exchange for some tasty whole chickens.
BC: Oh, I get it. "Old once-homeless Bear should just be happy TASTY-WHOLE-CHICKENLESS, NEW FURNITURE-LESS, NEW CARPET-LESS ... he should just be happy with NOTHING but a crappy home!" But this new kitten gets EVERYTHING!
MK: But then you'd live in a chicken factory.
BC: Oh.
{Pause}
BC: I'm going to go pack.
MK: BEAR! No one's leaving! No one's being traded in for anything! You're STUCK with me!
BC: Well when you put it THAT way ... in the name of exploring my OPTIONS, if you DID trade me in, would I get a home with tasty whole chickens?
MK: {sigh}.
BC: AT LEAST an aquarium? I mean so I don't have to free-feed on this kibble crap?
MK: Bear, every time you hear the bag, you come running. It can't be THAT bad.
BC: Have you tasted it?
MK: You still come running.
BC: I don't know what you're talking about.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Hmph. Then you should feed me real food.
MK: Remember the little kitten that was starving and would ignore the food for as long as I sat outside and petted him?
BC: THAT HUSSY! You HAVE been cheating on me!
{Pause}
BC: Oh.
{Pause}
BC: I was YOUNG and STUPID!
MK: And yet, you still do that. Though you're not starving anymore.
BC: Says who?
MK: Says the vet who always remarks that you're not missing any meals.
BC: Well, YOU'RE NOT MISSING ANY KIT KATS!
MK: Am I really that bad?
BC: YES!
{Pause}
BC: {sigh} No. Yeah, you're a little nerdy ... oh, who am I kidding? You're nerdy. Yeah, you keep me entertained by doing stupid stuff ... yeah, your look of horror when I roll in the mud or your dead ant pile cracks me up every time ... but I still like you. But don't go around getting a big head!
{Pause}
BC: {sigh} I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you too, Bear.
BC: I feel the need to destroy something.
MK: Is there ever a time when you DON'T feel like destroying something?
BC: Good point. I'll settle for some ear rubs and maybe one of those "Oh MoooooooooommmMMA" hugs that tell me you love me and you'll murder anyone who messes with me.
MK: Done.
BC: Momma ....
{Pause}
BC: {GASP}! You're looking at KITTENS on your computer!
MK: Bear ....
BC: NO! I came to ask you a question and I see that you're looking at KITTENS on your computer! I'm not a used car! You can't just TRADE me in for a newer model!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Oh, I see how it is. A few broken things and you're done with me!
MK: A FEW?
BC: You think this is FUNNY?
MK: Bear ...
BC: Remember what happened with those 'cats being jerks' videos you used to watch online?
MK: But ...
BC: I try to give you the experience in cat and you get ALL MAD!
MK: Okay, but ...
BC: NO! I worked REALLY hard to be a jerk and you don't appreciate me!
MK: Well, ACTUALLY ... you didn't work THAT hard to be a jerk. I mean it DOES kind of come naturally to you.
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: Those kittens don't come with instruction manuals either!
MK: Maybe a warranty?
BC: Hmph. Let me show you where to stick that warranty!
MK: OWW!
BC: Who's laughing NOW?
MK: Bear, I'm not trading you in for kittens.
BC: KITTENS. You didn't say anything about ONE KITTEN.
MK: Bear, I'm not trading you in for ONE KITTEN either!
BC: {narrowing his eyes} Then what are you trading me in for?
MK: A new set of furniture?
BC: BUT I WON'T BE HERE TO DESTROY IT!
{Pause}
BC: {GASP} You're giving the new kitten new furniture! Oh, I GET it! Just ERASE me from your life completely! Maybe some new carpet too?
MK: That's a great idea!
BC: HEY!
MK: Maybe I can trade you and your cat tree in to a chicken factory in exchange for some tasty whole chickens.
BC: Oh, I get it. "Old once-homeless Bear should just be happy TASTY-WHOLE-CHICKENLESS, NEW FURNITURE-LESS, NEW CARPET-LESS ... he should just be happy with NOTHING but a crappy home!" But this new kitten gets EVERYTHING!
MK: But then you'd live in a chicken factory.
BC: Oh.
{Pause}
BC: I'm going to go pack.
MK: BEAR! No one's leaving! No one's being traded in for anything! You're STUCK with me!
BC: Well when you put it THAT way ... in the name of exploring my OPTIONS, if you DID trade me in, would I get a home with tasty whole chickens?
MK: {sigh}.
BC: AT LEAST an aquarium? I mean so I don't have to free-feed on this kibble crap?
MK: Bear, every time you hear the bag, you come running. It can't be THAT bad.
BC: Have you tasted it?
MK: You still come running.
BC: I don't know what you're talking about.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Hmph. Then you should feed me real food.
MK: Remember the little kitten that was starving and would ignore the food for as long as I sat outside and petted him?
BC: THAT HUSSY! You HAVE been cheating on me!
{Pause}
BC: Oh.
{Pause}
BC: I was YOUNG and STUPID!
MK: And yet, you still do that. Though you're not starving anymore.
BC: Says who?
MK: Says the vet who always remarks that you're not missing any meals.
BC: Well, YOU'RE NOT MISSING ANY KIT KATS!
MK: Am I really that bad?
BC: YES!
{Pause}
BC: {sigh} No. Yeah, you're a little nerdy ... oh, who am I kidding? You're nerdy. Yeah, you keep me entertained by doing stupid stuff ... yeah, your look of horror when I roll in the mud or your dead ant pile cracks me up every time ... but I still like you. But don't go around getting a big head!
{Pause}
BC: {sigh} I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you too, Bear.
BC: I feel the need to destroy something.
MK: Is there ever a time when you DON'T feel like destroying something?
BC: Good point. I'll settle for some ear rubs and maybe one of those "Oh MoooooooooommmMMA" hugs that tell me you love me and you'll murder anyone who messes with me.
MK: Done.
BC: Watching you kick your own butt is pretty funny too.
MK: No one can kick my butt nearly as well as I can.
MK: No one can kick my butt nearly as well as I can.
BC: Yeah, you probably should knock that off. And give me those ear rubs.
* * * - - - * * * :
BC: I wan ... Momm .... a ... MOMMA! .... WANT .... MROOWWWWWW! HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
MK: Bear? Bear! Wake up!
BC: Huh? WHERE AM I? Where are THEY?
MK: They who?
BC: You know WHO! They were just here a minute ago!
MK: Bear, you were dreaming.
BC: WHAT?!?! I only dream about tasty whole chickens and gorgeous, voluptuous, sensual female ... umm ... err ... porcupines!
MK: You were definitely dreaming, Bear.
BC: Are you SURE? Because there were DEFINITELY no raunchy, lascivious ... umm ... hmmm ....
MK: Bear?
BC: Hmmm?
{Pause}
MK: Bear?
BC: Do you mind? I'm having a PRIVATE moment!
MK: You were saying how you didn't believe you were dreaming because there weren't any ... umm ... porcupines.
BC: Why would I dream of porcupines?
MK: Never mind.
BC: So I WAS dreaming?
MK: Yes. I've been sitting here working on our blog post and you've DEFINITELY been here the entire time ... curled up asleep in my desk chair.
BC: {looking around, then whispering} Are you sure I'm not being beamed around the universe? Tripping through snake holes or something?
MK: You mean WORM holes?
BC: {GASP} SO IT'S TRUE! I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!
MK: Bear ...
BC: And YOU delivered me into their furry .... furry .... WHATEVER THEIR FURRY ARM APPENDAGES ARE!
MK: They don't have regular hands?
BC: THEY'RE ALIENS Momma! OF COURSE they don't have hands! Or ... wait ... not that I saw. Between those reaching furry things and the 72.908 eyes ... I was kind of distracted.
MK: I'm sorry ... 72.908 eyes?
BC: So you've seen them! You bartered me to them!
MK: No, I was clarifying .... {sigh} why don't you just start at the beginning.
BC: Are you SPYING for them?
MK: Bear ...
BC: I mean how many OTHER aliens have 72.908 eyes?
MK: Just tell me what happened.
BC: We were cuddling like a normal night and all of a sudden an ORANGE HOLE formed right in the middle of the hallway!
MK: Black hole?
BC: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING? There was a HOLE. And the HOLE was ORANGE.
MK: So we're talking about a ring of color versus gravitational forces or gravitational lensing of a massively dense object.
BC: I'm sorry ... all I heard was BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
MK: Did you eat some of the salmon treats I gave you earlier in the day right before your nap? Because they're sprinkled with catnip.
BC: NO. I DID NOT eat the salmon treats before my nap ... err ... not ALL of them ... at once.
MK: {sigh} Go on.
BC: Then Gary and Larry POOFED out of the purple hole ...
MK: I thought it was an orange hole.
BC: I'm sorry. When I'm being ABDUCTED BY ALIENS I didn't realize the COLOR of the HOLE they POOFED out of mattered!
MK: {sigh} Continue.
BC: So GARY and LARRY, those TROUBLE-MAKING aliens made you choose a sacrifice.
MK: Err ... and I didn't choose the Big Dodo?
BC: We haven't talked to the Big Dodo in YEARS, why would you care about what happens to him?
MK: Good point.
BC: No. You had to choose between me and Kit Kats!
MK: Uh oh.
BC: THAT'S RIGHT! You forked me over like a juicy, succulent ... succulent ... tasty whole chicken!
MK: I didn't offer myself instead of you first?
BC: I'm sorry, who's story is this? OKAY, Yes, You DID in fact say you'd sacrifice yourself to save me. But ... well ... it's YOU.
MK: Uh huh.
BC: So the aliens and I backwards poofed into the orange hole and the next thing I knew we were on their spaceship.
MK: Can they steer a spaceship without hands?
BC: WOULD YOU JUST LET ME FINISH?
MK: Okay. What happened next?
BC: I yelled for you and did my yowling and everything!
MK: Maybe the aliens don't have ears?
BC: Then how did they hear you choose Kit Kats over me?
MK: Bear, I wouldn't choose Kit Kats over you.
BC: EASY to say NOW! The damage HAS BEEN DONE!
MK: {sigh} What happened next?
BC: They started arguing with each other, but instead of words, strings of numbers were coming out.
MK: Cool. Was the base like 10 or 100?
BC: NO! I'm still on their SPACESHIP, not on their planet at their base!
MK: No, what range of numbers were they saying?
BC: A bunch of dots then a bunch of dashes, then back to dots again!
MK: Just curious ... but I thought you said NUMBERS.
BC: YES! Dashes and dots.
MK: I guess I should be lucky you don't do our taxes. Let me guess ... there were three dots and three dashes and then another three dots.
BC: {GASP} YOU SPEAK THEIR LANGUAGE!
MK: Umm ... no. That's basic Morse code for SOS.
BC: Who's MORRIS and what does he have to do with the ALIENS Gary and Larry?
MK: {barely containing her laughter} So in other words, your infamous endless howling caused the aliens to reconsider their cat napping.
BC: I saved myself?
MK: I guess.
BC: BUT YOU! YOU BETRAYED ME AND GAVE ME OVER THE THEM!
MK: Bear, you haven't moved from that chair.
BC: Well, OF COURSE you would say that to save your own behind.
MK: So what happened after all the dots and dashes?
BC: I heard an annoying voice beckoning me ... I was sure I was about to meet my marker.
MK: Maker?
BC: Make what?
MK: Never mind.
BC: Then I woke up in my desk chair to the same annoying voice calling my name.
{Pause}
BC: YOU! I KNEW I'd heard that "BEAR!" "BEAR!" BEAR!" before! Sometimes I get tired of my OWN name with how often you say it.
MK: Or you could just not get into trouble.
{Silence}
MK: So I'm your marker?
BC: Marker for what? Usually I just use my claws.
MK: Never mind.
You have had a busy week Bear. Your Momma would never get rid of you. I love your lineup :)
ReplyDeleteThank you.
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