Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household?
Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things. Did you miss any of the daily "conversations" from the last two weeks? These "conversations" (posted below), include all the usual snarky and dramatic randomness on both sides.
The other blog posts in this cycle, if you missed them: How To Save a Life and The con-fer-rence. The con-fer-rence is Momma's recap of the BlogPaws conference she attended at the end of June.
The Sunday Selfies in this cycle, if you missed them: Sunday Selfie #4, Sunday Selfie #4.5, and Sunday Selfie #5. Sunday Selfies is a blog hop hosted by our friends, The Cat on My Head; these posts are our entries for that blog hop.
The Sunday Selfies in this cycle, if you missed them: Sunday Selfie #4, Sunday Selfie #4.5, and Sunday Selfie #5. Sunday Selfies is a blog hop hosted by our friends, The Cat on My Head; these posts are our entries for that blog hop.
See the previous collections of shorter "conversations," like the ones posted below:
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
Here's the collection of shorter dialogues from the past two weeks (in order from oldest to most recent):
Now that Momma is safely back from the Blogpaws conference, we'll share our conversation from the day before Momma left.
BC: {spreading out, splayed on the floor} Whew! I'm tired.
MK: I haven't seen you all day!
BC: I know. I'm actively avoiding you. That's why I'm exhausted.
MK: Wait, WHAT? Oh. Because I'm leaving for the conference tomorrow.
BC: You're leaving?!?!?
MK: Isn't that why you're avoiding me?
BC: NO! It's just a normal Wednesday!
MK: Uh oh.
BC: YOU'RE LEAVING ME!?!?!? I'm going to starve! I'm going to be all alone! I won't have anyone to snugg ... AVOID! I'll be at the mercy of the elements!
MK: See. There you go. You can come snuggle with me and save energy since you're exhausted from avoiding me.
BC: Noooo. Now I have to avoid you AND be mad at you.
MK: Bear ... last time you got mad about me leaving ...
BC: $#!+ got broken. I was there. So little time ...
MK: I thought you were exhausted?
BC: I WAS.
{CRASH!!!}
MK: BEAR!
BC: Oopsie.
{BOOM!!!}
BC: Hehehehe. That was a GOOD one!
MK: BEAR! If you don't pace yourself, you'll have everything in this house broken in fifteen minutes!
BC: You compliment me, my dear. My estimated time of destruction was twenty-five minutes. But I accept your challenge!
MK: That's not what I ...
{THUNK!!! KKKKKKAAA-SPLEEE-IIIIIT!}
MK: You're grounded!
BC: YOU WON'T BE HERE TO ENFORCE IT!
{CRASH!!!}
MK: Hey! I was going to ...
{THWACK!!! SSSSSSSPPLLAAAAT!}
BC: Wait! You can't lock yourself in the bathroom! You have to witness the destruction!
MK: Bite me!
BC: Okay!
MK: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
BC: You said to bite you!
MK: I find it HILARIOUS, that THAT was the command you listened to.
BC: Did you say something?
MK: Exactly.
{CRAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSH!!!}
And on and on ...
What does the Momma Kat household look like the day Momma returns from a trip? A few pictures of all the best things ... the things that make everything else worth it ... the things that make EVERYTHING right in the world after a few days of "off-center" ... my heart. To see the full post: Sunday Selfie 4.5 (Special edition).
Bear approves of the swag ... just not so much my absence ... or maybe my re-presence?!?!? (illustrated in a way that is 100% feline!!!!).
Vodka and hippos:
MK: HEY! Bring that feather back here!
BC: NO! It's MY feather! I hunted it and killed it and now it's mine!
MK: HUNTED? KILLED? BWAHAHAHAHAHA. It's a FAKE FEATHER.
BC: What's YOUR problem? Like I care if the feather came from a chicken, or a cow, or a fake! I bet fakes taste like chicken.
MK: That's part of a toy I got at the BlogPaws Conference ... I want to document and photograph everything before you destroy it!
BC: Where's the fun in that? Besides, GET YOUR OWN FEATHER. This one doesn't look like it came from a tasty whole chicken, but I don't discriminate. Though if it HAD come with a tasty whole chicken, I wouldn't complain. OOOOOOHHHH! IS THERE A TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN IN YOUR BAG!?!?!?!
MK: No.
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... MOO-A-BUUUUUUUUNG-A!
MK: BEAR! OUT of the duffel bag!
BC: But ... but ... it smells so ... so ... TASTY!
MK: And it's KOW-a-bunga.
BC: Cow ... moo ... it's all the same. NOT a tasty whole chicken, but still good. Can I have a tasty whole cow? You know, since you're so mean and won't let me have a tasty whole chicken. Do cows have feathers? If the feather is from a fake, do you have a tasty whole fake in here?
MK: You're being weird. I knew bringing home catnip was a bad idea. You hate boxes and have never EVER crawled into a suitcase - much less dove. You're like a pig in ...
BC: Ohh, OOOOOOOOH. Preeeeeeeee-ty! Heeeeeeeeeelllll-o, pretty!
MK: Oh, for crying out loud!
BC: How you doin' sexxxxxx-y?
MK: Bear! That's a Sparkle Ball! It's not going to talk back ...
BC: Why, YES! I AM free this evening!
{Pause}
BC: I'd LOOOOOOOOVE to run/roll off with you!
{Pause}
BC: HEEEEEEEEEEE-EY! I'm blushing!
MK: That's it!
BC: Wait! What?!?! That's MY stuff!
MK: When inanimate objects are carrying on conversations with you, you've had enough.
BC: You're just jealous they don't talk to you!
MK: Bear ...
BC: And besides ... I saw you eating some of the human food you brought home. How come you aren't saving THAT to photograph? Why am I the only one that has to wait? And what was in that bottle you got at the conference that you were swigging?
MK: (BLEEP)!
BC: Yep. Stick that feather you so rudely ripped out of my paws ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Boy, are YOU grumpy.
MK: Where's the vodka?
BC: Where's my catnip?
MK: You DID NOT steal my ...
BC: Hehehehehehe.
{Bear flicks his tail and turns around, strutting down the hallway.}
MK: Holy crap. He actually has a point.
BC: I HEARD THAT! You're a hypo ... a ... hypo ... a HIPPO!
MK: Great. Thanks.
BC: Denial isn't only a river in Egypt.
MK: I'm not changing my mind though!
BC: RATS!
This is a horrible picture, but the best one I have of Bear DIVING into the duffel bag. He's NEVER done that before - not even for things he's wanted. He doesn't "do" boxes or anything like them. But before I knew it, he was raiding the bag.
Let's Talk about Treats (Intervention - part 1):
MK: We need to have a talk.
BC: Awww ... MAAAAN. You talk ALL DAY long! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah this ... and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah that! A cat can't get a second's peace in this house. They should call you "chatty kat!"
MK: Hahaha. No. We need to have a SERIOUS talk.
BC: We need to have a non-"blah" talk. Like about tasty whole chickens! Let's talk about tasty whole chickens! Or sardines! TREATS?
{singing} Let's talk about treats, ba-by
Let's talk about fish and me
Let's talk about all the nummy things
And the non-nummy things that may be.
MK: Let's start over. We need to talk about your catnip habit.
BC: What "habit?" I just refuse to leave my new catnip toys' sides.
MK: Exactly.
BC: You might steal them and have your way with them. It's like I got PAID for you to disappear to the BlogPaws conference for a few days! Can you say QQQQQQQQQQQQQQUUUUUUI-ET!
MK: And you're being ... err ... extra strange.
BC: Says the person who goes around recounting her conversations with her cat to anyone who will listen.
MK: You need to take a break from the catnip.
BC: Phht. I can stop any time I want.
MK: Great. Right now.
BC: How about tomorrow?
MK: Now.
BC: But it's kind of a hot day and I could use the company of my imaginary catnip friends since you're too busy to play with me.
MK: You said that yesterday.
BC: I know!
MK: No more catnip.
BC: But I never inhaled ...
MK: Bear ...
BC: ... more than one breath at a time.
MK: I'm sorry, how many times have you inhaled more than one breath at a time of anything?
BC: Is this what they call an intervention?
MK: Why?
BC: It is, isn't it? Woo BABY! I've had an intervention! I am COOOOOOOOOOOOL.
{Pause}
BC: Ooooohhhh HEEEEEEEEEEEELLL-O, Mr. Camel! Are you here for my intervention too? Why do I have the urge to DANCE? And SING? And SING AND DANCE! WHOOP!
{THUNK}
BC: Ow.
MK: {chuckling} Now you see the problem?
BC: This is the floor!
MK: Yep.
BC: I WAS on the kitchen table.
MK: Yes.
BC: I fell down.
MK: Yes.
BC: Oopsie. HEEEEEEEEEEEELLL-O, FLOOR! It's SOOO nice to meet you again!
MK: No more catnip for you.
BC: But ... WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ... Round and round and round and round and SQUARE! Purple feet! Monday! HEEEEEEEEEEEELLL-O, Monday! Monday has purple feet! Oh hooo, DANCE with me! I can't move! I can't move .... oooooooooooh REEED!
MK: Sleep it off.
BC: Counting the fishy! One fishy! Two fishy! Three fishy! ....
One hundred fishy treats on the wall, one hundred fishy treats.
Take one down, Bear scarfs it down, ninety-nine fishy treats on the wall.
Ninety-nine fishy treats on the wall, ninety-nine fishy treats.
Take one down, Bear scarfs it down, ninety-eight fishy treats on the wall.
Ninety-eight fishy treats on the wall, ninety-eight fishy treats.
Take fifty down, Bear scarfs them down, forty-eight fishy treats on the wall.
{Bear snores loudly.}
Existent-ial (Intervention - part 2):
BC: Can I have another intervention?
MK: Why?
BC: Like it's not OBVIOUS!
MK: It's not.
BC: Hmph. You wouldn't understand because you're not cool. Surely another intervention would increase my street cred. "Oh, you know ... at my SECOND intervention they served snacks ..."
MK: You are a strange cat.
BC: Can you?
MK: Can I what?
BC: Serve refreshments at my next intervention? I've had the munchies since you brought home all that catnip from the BlogPaws conference.
MK: Or you could just cut back on the nip.
BC: Why would I want to do that?
MK: I'm sorry I even got roped into this conversation.
BC: ESPECIALLY if the nip earns me a second intervention. One more notch in my ... my ... err ... collar?
MK: I think you have the wrong idea about interventions "earning" you anything. I think it's more like a positive punishment.
BC: How can a punishment ever be positive?
MK: No. That's the psychological ...
BC: Unless a lady cat comes to visit and wants to "punish" me. HEEEEE-EEEY! "Why yeeeeeeees, I would LOOOOOOOVE to be punished by you!"
MK: What is your obsession with lady cats? It's not like you'd go to bed with them. You flip out whenever they're in your general vicinity and there's not a window to protect you.
BC: Of course not! What CATsanova would snuggle with his lady friend in the human's bed? Imagine! "Hey, sexy! Want to check out my teats in my Momma's bed?" LOSER! That's what my bachelor cat condo is for. Though I think a blinged out cat hammock would be better suited for these activities.
MK: If you think "check out my teats" belongs in a pick-up line, you have bigger problems than where you do your business.
BC: What's wrong with my teats? Have you ever checked out my teats? They're pretty sexy.
MK: Wait. You think "going to bed" means SNUGGLING in a bed?
BC: What ELSE would I do with a lady cat in bed? Sing and play the tambourine?
MK: Why do we have these conversations?
BC: Because you always respond to me when I say something!
MK: I didn't mean that LITERALLY.
BC: Literally, figuratively, whatever a-ly, if you don't answer me, we wouldn't have these conversations.
MK: Bear ...
BC: And just yesterday, you were complaining that I was having conversations with inanimate or non-existent things! I can't talk to you ... I can't talk to purple feet ... I can't talk to the camel ... I can't talk to the sparkle ball!
MK: You can talk to them all you want, but they won't answer.
BC: Unlike you.
MK: Hmmm.
BC: Besides, have you ever tried to talk to purple feet or the camel? How do you know they won't respond?
MK: Because they don't exist in the first place!
BC: How do you know they don't exist? Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they don't exist.
MK: You know what? I DON'T CARE if they are real or not. And I don't even care whether they can "actually" respond or not!
BC: Well, that's not nice! Wouldn't it hurt your feelings to not even be acknowledged?
{Silence}
BC: Err .... RATS!
MK: Just noticed you spend most of your time not acknowledging my existence?
{Silence}
MK: Hello?
BC: Why hello, Mr. Camel. May I show you my selection of sexilicious male teats? Would you like to touch them? How about if I roll on my back? Sexy, right? Go ahead! Touch them! They don't bite.
MK: I can't believe I'm listening to this.
BC: Oh, Momma?
MK: I DO exist!
BC: Whatever.
MK: What do you want?
BC: I don't ONLY talk to you when I want something!
MK: Yes, Mr. Sexilicious male teats?
BC: I think you should buy a bed.
MK: I have a bed.
BC: But this ad says this one comes with something free! A free one night stand.
MK: Let me see that! That's a nightstand. It's a piece of furniture. You buy a bed, you get a free nightstand.
BC: Yellow! Five! Dog! Uuuuuuuuupstairs!
MK: Catnip should be banned.
BC: I'll give up my cat nip when you give up your Kit Kats!
MK: By the time these conversations are over, I can't help but suspect I'M tripping!
BC: Heeeeeeeeelllo DOCTOR!
MK: OWWW! Let go!
BC: S-E-X-I-L-I- .... APPLE!
MK: I find it interesting that one second you're completely normal and the next, you're being crazy.
BC: You'd think you'd take the hint to LEAVE ME ALONE ... Crazy is the only thing that makes you stop talking!
MK: Oh.
BC: I want to be alone with my nip! And the stinky dinosaur. And the feet people.
MK: Oooookay.
Buttcorn ({Momma's} Intervention - part 3):
MK: Stupid! I hate this dumb .... EEEEEEEH! .... GRRRRRRRR ... COME ON!!! You piece of ...
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
MK: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG!
BC: Who are you talking to?
MK: THIS BAG OF POPCORN! I can't get it open!
BC: Is it talking back to you?
MK: What?
BC: You were mocking me for talking to the sparkle ball because it couldn't reply. How's the reply from the bag of buttcorn coming? Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?
MK: FOR REAL, BEAR? You come and give me crap when I'm already mad and frustrated!?!?!
BC: At a bag of buttcorn.
MK: Well ... I .... holy crap. You have a point!
BC: Umm ... NO. ACTUALLY, I have FIVE points on this paw alone. Then another five points on my other front paw ... four points on each of my back paws and four large, ferocious, UNCLIPPABLE points in my mouth. That's a whopping TWENTY-TWO points, if you're keeping track. I keep track.
MK: Those "points" are made for ripping meat.
BC: Exactly. Isn't that what I use them for?
MK: I'M NOT MEAT!
BC: If it walks like meat and quacks like meat, it's meat. The rest is just semantics.
MK: You really butchered that adage.
BC: Is that not what my points are for?
MK: {sigh}. Why do I even bother?
BC: Because you hate yourself? Let me have that bag of buttcorn.
MK: POPcorn.
BC: Whatevercorn.
MK: What are you going to ....
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
MK: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! In trying to open the bag, you totally missed the bag and ninja chopped me in the face!
BC: Why would I try to open the bag of buttcorn? That's YOUR problem. I just wanted to point out a few of my points.
MK: This is ridiculous. Give me that bag of butt ..... POPCORN!
{Pause}
MK: Stupid bag! Such a pain in my ...
BC: If you're going to converse with a bag of buttcorn, can I have my catnip back?
MK: No.
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: Join the club.
BC: Honey, I STARTED that club. And when have I EVER required an invitation to anything?
MK: Good points.
BC: Want to see more?
MK: No thank you.
BC: You always ruin my fun.
MK: Poor you.
BC: I know!
Bear hangs out amongst the "swag" Momma got from the BlogPaws conference.
After Momma sorted and bagged all the "swag" at home, Bear couldn't resist the urge to nose around ... as usual, he "rearranged" things according to his liking (ie the bag of toys ended up on the floor and he ran off with his new favorite).
Tasty whole Momma:
BC: You're CHEATING on me!
MK: What?
BC: Your FACE!
MK: What about it?
BC: You let ANOTHER CAT MARK YOU!
MK: Bear, I don't even "let" you mark me.
BC: The HUGE scratch across your forehead! It's the hallmark sign of cheating - much like you humans look for unexplained charges or perfume/cologne or lipstick ... But I haven't found any strange fur on your clothes ... {GASP} YOU'RE ROMPING WITH OTHER CATS WITHOUT CLOTHES ON!
MK: And why would I be so stupid as to romp with ANY cat without the protection of clothes?
BC: To hide your misdeeds!
MK: You've GOT to be kidding.
BC: Kidding? Why would I have anything to do with kids? I'M AN ONLY CHILD!!! {GASP} You were romping with kids AND cats without clothes on? And you claim to know nothing about iniquities!
MK: How do you know the scratch didn't come from you?
BC: Phht. I keep a careful record of all the places I've scratched you. I require a very specific record of ownership on you. Every appendage must have at least one visible marking so no strange cats get any ideas that you're available. BUT YOU CHEATED ON ME! With a HUSSYCAT! A TROLLOP! A CATWHORE! {GASP} OR ALL THREE!!!
MK: BEAR! I scratched myself by accident.
BC: What do you mean by "accident?" Scratches aren't ACCIDENTS.
MK: I KNEW IT!
BC: RATS!
MK: And let me go back and reiterate that I don't "LET" you do anything. I'm not petting you and all of sudden say, "Oh, Bear. This is JUST TOO wonderful for me to handle! If you feel the need to dig a trench in my arm for poop and giggles, please go ahead!" No. You just randomly and ferociously attack me JUST BECAUSE you can.
BC: No. It's NOT JUST because I can! It's because you're MY Momma and other cats need to back off and recognize what's MINEMINEMINE!
MK: Because you don't want to share your fangcushion.
BC: I prefer the term "chew toy."
MK: The result is the same.
BC: I'M NOT SORRY!
MK: I wouldn't expect you to be.
BC: I'M AN ONLY CHILD! Bear Cat DOES NOT share!
MK: I haven't forgotten.
BC: Especially MY Momma! Toys and food and cat trees can be replaced! But NOT a Momma like you!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I ... err ... umm ... well, you know.
MK: I "you know" you too, Bear. There's not much better on this earth than every day with you.
BC: I wouldn't go THAT far. I mean, I think my life would be MUCH better with tasty whole chickens AND you. But only if the chickens don't get too snuggly with you.
MK: I don't normally fraternize with my food.
BC: Speaking of food .... remember a few days ago when you told me I need to do cold turkey because of my catnip habit since you brought a whole bunch of catnip back from the BlogPaws conference?
MK: GO cold turkey.
BC: Whatever. WHERE'S THE COLD TURKEY? Are they going to be tasty, whole turkeys? I eat my turkey at any temperature as long as it's tasty and whole! I'll take all the tasty, whole turkeys - cold, warm, or anywhere in between!!! And I'd give up all my new catnip for tasty whole turkeys!
MK: {sigh}. I love you, Bear.
BC: I love TASTY WHOLE TURKEYS!
{Pause}
BC: And you ...
{Pause}
BC: ... Because you're pretty tasty ... in moderation. Maybe not enough to be called a "tasty, whole Momma," but decent at least.
MK: Lovely.
Chew toy ... fangcushion ... you decide:
Sexty (I don't make this stuff up):
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
MK: For ..... BEAR! I'm trying to take a picture of that stuff!
BC: Why would you want to take a picture of THAT, when you have a handsome kitty right here?
MK: You HATE when I take pictures of you!
BC: Err ... RATS!
MK: "THAT" is the stuff I got from the BlogPaws conference! Remember? I want to take a picture and catalogue all of it before we use it?
BC: Phht. We played with the wand toys and the sparkle balls already. And I opened up a can of whoop (BLEEP!) on that kick stick last night.
MK: Yes, I made exceptions. Not to mention your three day catnip high.
BC: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO catnip! Where's the catnip?
MK: In the bag. This is a photograph of the wellness and promotional items.
BC: Catnip IS wellness.
{Pause}
BC: What are you looking at in the picture box? Are there tasty whole chickens in there?
MK: Beeeeeeeeeeeeaarr, I'm trrrrrrrying to take pictures!
BC: There are! You have tasty whole chickens in your picture box and you aren't sharing them with me!!!
MK: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Give me a heart attack!
BC: Phht. If you were a cat, you'd still have eight lives left.
MK: Not if you counted all the bites and scratches and OTHER surprises you give me on a regular basis.
BC: Good point. In any interaction with a cat it's good to remember that we have nine lives and you humans only have one.
{Pause}
BC: You got a picture of my nose!
MK: You're right. That is a small miracle since I've never managed to get one before.
BC: Can I see the picture of my nose closer?
MK: {sigh} Okay.
BC: OOOOOOOOOH. That's a SEXXXXXY nose, don't you think?
MK: Well, it's kind of a blob ...
{Bear looks at Momma with THAT LOOK}
MK: ... but a sexy blob.
BC: Can I sext that picture?
MK: Whoa, whoa, WHOA! What do you know about "sexting?"
BC: Isn't that what cool cats do with their pictures?
MK: I don't know about that.
BC: Right. I guess you wouldn't. You're not a cat, much less a COOL cat. Do we have enough postage stamps to sext my friends?
MK: How about I put it in today's post?
BC: You mean my picture will be on the INTERNET?
MK: Yes. I don't see how that's a big deal, I've put ...
{Pause}
MK: NO pictures of you on the internet. At all. EVER.
BC: Will I get a tiara? Will putting this picture of my nose on the internet make me part of the sext industry? A Sexter? Because I'm sexty too! I'm not just sexy ... I'm SEXTY. Oh, oh! Wait! Wait ... for ... it ...
MK: Oh, no.
{Pause}
BC: TADA! {prancing back and forth}
I'm too sexty for my house,
I'm too sexty for my house,
Too sexty for my house,
Don't you think so, my little mouse?
I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean,
And I shake my little tail on the catwalk,
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah,
I shake my little tail on the catwalk.
I'm too sexty for my fur,
Too sexty for my fur,
Just listen to me PURRRRRR.
I'm too sexty for my mom,
Too sexty for my mom,
Ain't I just the mother-meowing bomb!
I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean,
And I shake my cute little butt on the catwalk,
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my cute little butt on the catwalk.
I'm too sexty for my claws,
Too sexty for my claws,
And too sexty even for my adorable paws!
I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean,
And I shake my little tail on the catwalk,
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little tail on the catwalk.
I'm too sexty for my tail,
Too sexty for my tail,
You can't measure my pounds of sexty on any scale!
I'm too sexty for my teeth,
Too sexty for my teeth,
You can't imagine the unbearable pain they bequeath!
{Silence}
BC: Why aren't you clapping?
{Pause}
BC: Am I sexy?
MK: Oh, my head. I need some ibuprofen.
BC: I'm SEXTY!
MK: I quit.
BC: You still haven't clapped! My new tag line, "I'm Bear Cat. I'm not just SEXY, I'm SEXXXXXXX-TY."
MK: I like your tag line from when you wanted to be a cat rapper.
BC: Hey! You're the one that suggested it could be shortened to "crapper!"
MK: "I drop more than beats." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
BC: I'm NOT laughing. I'm going to take my sexty-ness where it's appreciated!
MK: Which would be where?
BC: I HATE YOU!
Does this nose look familiar? (aka Momma's heart attack)
The other outtakes from Bear's "help" during the photo shoot of the "swag" we got at the conference. What's the blue owl-like thing? A timer Momma won in a workshop on time management because of her advice. Haha. She had them fooled - time management? Nope. She's good at giving advice, but not so much at taking her own advice.
Ummm ... WHAT are YOU?
Momma? What's it do? Don't worry, I've got my eye on it!!
Hello? Anyone home?
Do I smell CATNIP?!?!?!?
Cat butt:
BC: {jumping on the table next to where Momma's working} HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
MK: What the ... ?!? {Sniff, sniff, sniff ...}.
BC: What?
MK: Let me ...
BC: BYE!
MK: {sigh, going back to work}.
{Pause}
BC: {jumping on the table next to where Momma's working} HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
MK: {Sniff, sniff, sniff}.
BC: What?
MK: CAT BUTT!
BC: UH OH!
MK: I KNEW IT!!!
BC: LET ME GO!!!
MK: Bear, you have a poopsicle!
BC: NO! You're going to kill me!!!
MK: HOLD STILL!
BC: Bite me!
MK: Oh, come on, Bear! Your butt stinks!
BC: Oh yeah? Let me smell YOUR butt!
MK: REALLY?
BC: NO! I don't want to smell your butt! What's WRONG with you? I have standards!
MK: Ummm ...
BC: Oh, shut up!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: PUT ME DOWN!!! HELP!! Momma's trying to kill me!!! CALL 911! NO! CALL MY LAWYER! CALL THE PRESIDENT! CALL MY CONGRESSMAN! I DON'T CARE ... JUST HELP ME!! Is this what I get for trying to cuddle in your lap? You've an evil, EVIL Momma!! I HATE YOU! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPP!
MK: Stop wiggling!
BC: You know where to stick that wipe! And it's NOT my butt!
MK: SIT STILL!!
BC: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPP! My Momma's trying to kill me and NO ONE CARES!!! MROOOOOOOW!
MK: OWW!
BC: BAD MOMMA! BAD!! BAD MOMMA! My butt is MINE! MINEMINEMINEMINE!
MK: Then clean your own butt!
BC: Oh, I see how it is! You mock me when I clean my butt and get all (BLEEP)y when I don't! I CAN'T WIN!!!
MK: Bear! Seriously! You're carrying a cloud of stink around with you!
BC: Keep your filthy paws off me! You don't see me commenting on your ....
MK: GOT IT!
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
MK: HUH? {THUNK}.
BC: Ha! Teaches you not to mess with my unmentionables!
{Silence}
BC: Momma? MOMMA! MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMA!?!?!
{Silence}
BC: Uh oh! MOMMA! MOMMA! When I ninja kicked you in the face, I didn't mean to kill you ... hmmm ... I don't think.
{Pause}
BC: SURELY she'll wake up, right? DON'T LEAVE ME, MOMMA! DON'T LEAVE ME!! I don't want to live without you!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I didn't mean that!
{Pause}
BC: Oh, hell. I kind of did.
{Pause}
BC: Phht! PHHT!
{THUMP, THUMP as Bear bunny kicks Momma's chest}.
BC: PDQ! PDQ! I'm doing PDQ on you, Momma! HANG ON!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... CPQ! CRQ! Oh, hell! Phht! PHHT! {THUMP, THUMP}. Phht! PHHT! {THUMP, THUMP}.
{Pause}
MK: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
BC: Oh, thank the kitty .... WAIT A ... I HATE YOU! YOU KNOW WHERE TO STICK THAT PACK OF WIPES!
MK: In my PDQ?
BC: You're an evil, EVIL Momma! Making fun of your cute, little kitty cat in his time of fear!
MK: Because you don't want to live without me?
BC: I HATE YOU!
Tasty whole Momma:
BC: You're CHEATING on me!
MK: What?
BC: Your FACE!
MK: What about it?
BC: You let ANOTHER CAT MARK YOU!
MK: Bear, I don't even "let" you mark me.
BC: The HUGE scratch across your forehead! It's the hallmark sign of cheating - much like you humans look for unexplained charges or perfume/cologne or lipstick ... But I haven't found any strange fur on your clothes ... {GASP} YOU'RE ROMPING WITH OTHER CATS WITHOUT CLOTHES ON!
MK: And why would I be so stupid as to romp with ANY cat without the protection of clothes?
BC: To hide your misdeeds!
MK: You've GOT to be kidding.
BC: Kidding? Why would I have anything to do with kids? I'M AN ONLY CHILD!!! {GASP} You were romping with kids AND cats without clothes on? And you claim to know nothing about iniquities!
MK: How do you know the scratch didn't come from you?
BC: Phht. I keep a careful record of all the places I've scratched you. I require a very specific record of ownership on you. Every appendage must have at least one visible marking so no strange cats get any ideas that you're available. BUT YOU CHEATED ON ME! With a HUSSYCAT! A TROLLOP! A CATWHORE! {GASP} OR ALL THREE!!!
MK: BEAR! I scratched myself by accident.
BC: What do you mean by "accident?" Scratches aren't ACCIDENTS.
MK: I KNEW IT!
BC: RATS!
MK: And let me go back and reiterate that I don't "LET" you do anything. I'm not petting you and all of sudden say, "Oh, Bear. This is JUST TOO wonderful for me to handle! If you feel the need to dig a trench in my arm for poop and giggles, please go ahead!" No. You just randomly and ferociously attack me JUST BECAUSE you can.
BC: No. It's NOT JUST because I can! It's because you're MY Momma and other cats need to back off and recognize what's MINEMINEMINE!
MK: Because you don't want to share your fangcushion.
BC: I prefer the term "chew toy."
MK: The result is the same.
BC: I'M NOT SORRY!
MK: I wouldn't expect you to be.
BC: I'M AN ONLY CHILD! Bear Cat DOES NOT share!
MK: I haven't forgotten.
BC: Especially MY Momma! Toys and food and cat trees can be replaced! But NOT a Momma like you!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I ... err ... umm ... well, you know.
MK: I "you know" you too, Bear. There's not much better on this earth than every day with you.
BC: I wouldn't go THAT far. I mean, I think my life would be MUCH better with tasty whole chickens AND you. But only if the chickens don't get too snuggly with you.
MK: I don't normally fraternize with my food.
BC: Speaking of food .... remember a few days ago when you told me I need to do cold turkey because of my catnip habit since you brought a whole bunch of catnip back from the BlogPaws conference?
MK: GO cold turkey.
BC: Whatever. WHERE'S THE COLD TURKEY? Are they going to be tasty, whole turkeys? I eat my turkey at any temperature as long as it's tasty and whole! I'll take all the tasty, whole turkeys - cold, warm, or anywhere in between!!! And I'd give up all my new catnip for tasty whole turkeys!
MK: {sigh}. I love you, Bear.
BC: I love TASTY WHOLE TURKEYS!
{Pause}
BC: And you ...
{Pause}
BC: ... Because you're pretty tasty ... in moderation. Maybe not enough to be called a "tasty, whole Momma," but decent at least.
MK: Lovely.
Chew toy ... fangcushion ... you decide:
Sexty (I don't make this stuff up):
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
MK: For ..... BEAR! I'm trying to take a picture of that stuff!
BC: Why would you want to take a picture of THAT, when you have a handsome kitty right here?
MK: You HATE when I take pictures of you!
BC: Err ... RATS!
MK: "THAT" is the stuff I got from the BlogPaws conference! Remember? I want to take a picture and catalogue all of it before we use it?
BC: Phht. We played with the wand toys and the sparkle balls already. And I opened up a can of whoop (BLEEP!) on that kick stick last night.
MK: Yes, I made exceptions. Not to mention your three day catnip high.
BC: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO catnip! Where's the catnip?
MK: In the bag. This is a photograph of the wellness and promotional items.
BC: Catnip IS wellness.
{Pause}
BC: What are you looking at in the picture box? Are there tasty whole chickens in there?
MK: Beeeeeeeeeeeeaarr, I'm trrrrrrrying to take pictures!
BC: There are! You have tasty whole chickens in your picture box and you aren't sharing them with me!!!
MK: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Give me a heart attack!
BC: Phht. If you were a cat, you'd still have eight lives left.
MK: Not if you counted all the bites and scratches and OTHER surprises you give me on a regular basis.
BC: Good point. In any interaction with a cat it's good to remember that we have nine lives and you humans only have one.
{Pause}
BC: You got a picture of my nose!
MK: You're right. That is a small miracle since I've never managed to get one before.
BC: Can I see the picture of my nose closer?
MK: {sigh} Okay.
BC: OOOOOOOOOH. That's a SEXXXXXY nose, don't you think?
MK: Well, it's kind of a blob ...
{Bear looks at Momma with THAT LOOK}
MK: ... but a sexy blob.
BC: Can I sext that picture?
MK: Whoa, whoa, WHOA! What do you know about "sexting?"
BC: Isn't that what cool cats do with their pictures?
MK: I don't know about that.
BC: Right. I guess you wouldn't. You're not a cat, much less a COOL cat. Do we have enough postage stamps to sext my friends?
MK: How about I put it in today's post?
BC: You mean my picture will be on the INTERNET?
MK: Yes. I don't see how that's a big deal, I've put ...
{Pause}
MK: NO pictures of you on the internet. At all. EVER.
BC: Will I get a tiara? Will putting this picture of my nose on the internet make me part of the sext industry? A Sexter? Because I'm sexty too! I'm not just sexy ... I'm SEXTY. Oh, oh! Wait! Wait ... for ... it ...
MK: Oh, no.
{Pause}
BC: TADA! {prancing back and forth}
I'm too sexty for my house,
I'm too sexty for my house,
Too sexty for my house,
Don't you think so, my little mouse?
I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean,
And I shake my little tail on the catwalk,
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah,
I shake my little tail on the catwalk.
I'm too sexty for my fur,
Too sexty for my fur,
Just listen to me PURRRRRR.
I'm too sexty for my mom,
Too sexty for my mom,
Ain't I just the mother-meowing bomb!
I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean,
And I shake my cute little butt on the catwalk,
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my cute little butt on the catwalk.
I'm too sexty for my claws,
Too sexty for my claws,
And too sexty even for my adorable paws!
I'm a handsome kitty, you know what I mean,
And I shake my little tail on the catwalk,
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little tail on the catwalk.
I'm too sexty for my tail,
Too sexty for my tail,
You can't measure my pounds of sexty on any scale!
I'm too sexty for my teeth,
Too sexty for my teeth,
You can't imagine the unbearable pain they bequeath!
{Silence}
BC: Why aren't you clapping?
{Pause}
BC: Am I sexy?
MK: Oh, my head. I need some ibuprofen.
BC: I'm SEXTY!
MK: I quit.
BC: You still haven't clapped! My new tag line, "I'm Bear Cat. I'm not just SEXY, I'm SEXXXXXXX-TY."
MK: I like your tag line from when you wanted to be a cat rapper.
BC: Hey! You're the one that suggested it could be shortened to "crapper!"
MK: "I drop more than beats." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
BC: I'm NOT laughing. I'm going to take my sexty-ness where it's appreciated!
MK: Which would be where?
BC: I HATE YOU!
Does this nose look familiar? (aka Momma's heart attack)
The other outtakes from Bear's "help" during the photo shoot of the "swag" we got at the conference. What's the blue owl-like thing? A timer Momma won in a workshop on time management because of her advice. Haha. She had them fooled - time management? Nope. She's good at giving advice, but not so much at taking her own advice.
Ummm ... WHAT are YOU?
Momma? What's it do? Don't worry, I've got my eye on it!!
Hello? Anyone home?
Do I smell CATNIP?!?!?!?
Cat butt:
BC: {jumping on the table next to where Momma's working} HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
MK: What the ... ?!? {Sniff, sniff, sniff ...}.
BC: What?
MK: Let me ...
BC: BYE!
MK: {sigh, going back to work}.
{Pause}
BC: {jumping on the table next to where Momma's working} HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
MK: {Sniff, sniff, sniff}.
BC: What?
MK: CAT BUTT!
BC: UH OH!
MK: I KNEW IT!!!
BC: LET ME GO!!!
MK: Bear, you have a poopsicle!
BC: NO! You're going to kill me!!!
MK: HOLD STILL!
BC: Bite me!
MK: Oh, come on, Bear! Your butt stinks!
BC: Oh yeah? Let me smell YOUR butt!
MK: REALLY?
BC: NO! I don't want to smell your butt! What's WRONG with you? I have standards!
MK: Ummm ...
BC: Oh, shut up!
MK: {sigh}.
BC: PUT ME DOWN!!! HELP!! Momma's trying to kill me!!! CALL 911! NO! CALL MY LAWYER! CALL THE PRESIDENT! CALL MY CONGRESSMAN! I DON'T CARE ... JUST HELP ME!! Is this what I get for trying to cuddle in your lap? You've an evil, EVIL Momma!! I HATE YOU! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPP!
MK: Stop wiggling!
BC: You know where to stick that wipe! And it's NOT my butt!
MK: SIT STILL!!
BC: HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPP! My Momma's trying to kill me and NO ONE CARES!!! MROOOOOOOW!
MK: OWW!
BC: BAD MOMMA! BAD!! BAD MOMMA! My butt is MINE! MINEMINEMINEMINE!
MK: Then clean your own butt!
BC: Oh, I see how it is! You mock me when I clean my butt and get all (BLEEP)y when I don't! I CAN'T WIN!!!
MK: Bear! Seriously! You're carrying a cloud of stink around with you!
BC: Keep your filthy paws off me! You don't see me commenting on your ....
MK: GOT IT!
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!
MK: HUH? {THUNK}.
BC: Ha! Teaches you not to mess with my unmentionables!
{Silence}
BC: Momma? MOMMA! MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMA!?!?!
{Silence}
BC: Uh oh! MOMMA! MOMMA! When I ninja kicked you in the face, I didn't mean to kill you ... hmmm ... I don't think.
{Pause}
BC: SURELY she'll wake up, right? DON'T LEAVE ME, MOMMA! DON'T LEAVE ME!! I don't want to live without you!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I didn't mean that!
{Pause}
BC: Oh, hell. I kind of did.
{Pause}
BC: Phht! PHHT!
{THUMP, THUMP as Bear bunny kicks Momma's chest}.
BC: PDQ! PDQ! I'm doing PDQ on you, Momma! HANG ON!
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... CPQ! CRQ! Oh, hell! Phht! PHHT! {THUMP, THUMP}. Phht! PHHT! {THUMP, THUMP}.
{Pause}
MK: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
BC: Oh, thank the kitty .... WAIT A ... I HATE YOU! YOU KNOW WHERE TO STICK THAT PACK OF WIPES!
MK: In my PDQ?
BC: You're an evil, EVIL Momma! Making fun of your cute, little kitty cat in his time of fear!
MK: Because you don't want to live without me?
BC: I HATE YOU!
Iz speako nodo engleeesh:
MK: La-di-da. Di-da. La ... wha?
MK: {SNIFF. SNIFF?} What the ?
MK: BEAR!
BC: I didn't do it!
MK: Why's there crushed kibble ...
{Pause}
MK: EWWWWWWWWWWW! Why's there BARFED kibble on my desk chair?
BC: You're the one that was sitting in the chair!
MK: (BLEEP)! It's on my butt! It's on my butt!
BC: HAHAHAHAHAHA ... you're dancing! You're dancing! This is hilarious! Keep dancing! Keep dancing! This one's funny!
{Silence as Momma stares at Bear}
BC: So now your butt barfs kibble? I KNEW my kibble was disappearing faster than usual. Keep your butt out of my food bowl!
MK: BEAR!
BC: At least your towel was over the chair!
MK: Funny you say that because SOMECAT barfed on the one inch by one inch square that WASN'T covered!
BC: Target prac ... I mean ... SOMEbutt must've been target practicing.
MK: But not your butt.
BC: Don't be ridiculous. Butts don't barf. Err ... I mean CATS' butts don't barf.
MK: I mean REALLY Bear? It's not bad enough that you STEAL my desk chair, but now you barf all over it?
BC: It wasn't ALL over it! Just that inch by .... RATS!
{Pause}
BC: I have no idea what you're talking about.
{Silence}
BC: And by the way, my food bowl needs refilling. Your butt is greedy.
MK: Do you ever listen to yourself?
BC: I'm sorry. Are you trying to argue that your butt isn't greedy? Because it almost takes up the whole desk chair! For your butt to sit in the one inch by one inch spot with the barfage, it has to be huge enough .... RATS!
MK: You seem to know a lot about the size and position of the barf spot.
BC: Iz speako nodo engleeesh.
MK: TREATS!
BC: WHERE?
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I mean treats ... RATS!
MK: Catnip!
BC: Come to pap ... (BLEEP)! How can you sleep with how you trick your cute little kitty cat?
MK: How do you sleep with how you barf on my desk chair?
BC: I'm a cat!
MK: In response to the first clause or the second?
BC: My claws respond to everything!
MK: Isn't that the truth.
BC: I HATE YOU!
MK: And yet YOU'RE the one barfing on my stuff.
BC: Barfing is such a crude word.
MK: What would you call it?
BC: RATS! Iz speako nodo engleeesh.
MK: Time to brush your teeth!
BC: I'm getting of here!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! If you stopped tricking me, I'd maybe stop barfing on your ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
You two really have a lot of great conversations, I am glad your Momma keeps notes on them. I had missed the vodka one.
ReplyDeleteMy Momma never forgets ANYTHING! She reminds me of what I did FIVE YEARS ago! "Remember that time you pulled down the bookcase?" Sheesh. A cat can't get away with anything around here. ~Bear Cat
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