Ever wonder about what conversations occur in the Momma Kat household?
Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things. In this cycle, in an extended "conversation" deserving of its own blog post, we discussed: Momma's (and Bear's) favorite story {HERE}. Essentially, the conversation is a retelling of Bear's adoption story first told in prose {HERE}.
Bear and I talk quite a bit - about a whole lot of random things. In this cycle, in an extended "conversation" deserving of its own blog post, we discussed: Momma's (and Bear's) favorite story {HERE}. Essentially, the conversation is a retelling of Bear's adoption story first told in prose {HERE}.
The other blog posts in this cycle, if you missed them:
Questions about Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat (FAQs)Things I Never, Ever Thought I'd Say to a Cat
Here's the collection of shorter dialogues from the past three weeks (previously posted to Momma Kat's Facebook page; below, in order from most recent to oldest):
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
On the deranged donkey:
MK: It's a hard knock life . . . for Bear. It's a hard knock life . . . for Bear! Do-do-do-do--DOOT-do, Do-do-do-do--DOOT-do . . .
BC: This isn't helping!
MK: What?
BC: Your singing!
MK: Whoops. Sorry. I was trying to comfort you while I was washing your face.
BC: Who in the kitty gods' green earth would think YOUR singing is comforting!?!?!?!
MK: Well, I don't . . . hmmm. Okay. Let me see those . . .
BC: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
MK: What?!?! What now?!?!
BC: EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. When you start to brush my teeth, you say, "Let me see those choppers!" and then you bare your teeth right in my face! It's like I'm being mocked by a dumb and deranged donkey!
MK: I'm sorr . . .
BC: Do you HAVE to show your teeth while you brush mine? Is this some kind of scare tactic or intimidation technique to remind me that your teeth are bigger than mine?
MK: Well, no. I mean . . .
BC: That's IT! I can't take it anymore! Isn't it bad enough that you have to brush my teeth and wash my face?!?!
MK: You could think of them as spa treatments . . .
BC: I'm a CAT! I don't "do" spa treatments!
MK: Okay then. They're for your health.
BC: I DON'T CARE! You somehow choose the FEW things that are more annoying than the tasks themselves. Singing? BARING YOUR TEETH?!?!
MK: I'm sorry, Bear. I'll try to stop.
BC: {DRAMATIC SIGH} You're a human. I suppose expecting you to NOT be annoying is beyond your abilities.
MK: Can I annoy you with an ear rub?
BC: Hmmmph.
{Pause}
BC: {SIGH} I SUPPOSE. If you must. But I'm only putting up with this for you!
MK: You're purring.
BC: {SIGH} The lengths I go to keep you happy . . .
{Pause}
BC: WAIT! WHAT?!?!? Don't STOP! I'm not done . . . with . . . with . . . being the martyr yet! You must allow me to fully sacrifice myself! Oh, {BLEEP}! I just LIKE ear rubs!
On fear and the "love thing:"
BC: You will NOT antagonize me! Stand down, or die!
{Pause}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
MK: Wow! Those were some ninja moves!
BC: Thank you!
MK: I turned around just in time to see you tearing down the hall and picking teddy up in your mouth without even stopping.
BC: It was time for him to pay.
MK: It's so ADORABLE to watch you carry teddy around.
BC: Adorable?!?!?!? ADORABLE!?!?! Madam, my wrath is not ADORABLE! I was showing that depraved bear the extent of my furry fury! And I was NOT "carrying teddy around." I was parading with my victim . . . me being the victor and all.
MK: You're scary.
BC: I like to think so.
MK: No wonder I can't sleep.
BC: Knowing my power, I don't know how you sleep either.
MK: Hmmm . . . maybe it's the purring snugglebug that always manages to curl up with me?
BC: Purring snugglebug?!?! SNUGGLEBUG!?!?! I keep vigilant watch over the room so that no monsters eat you.
MK: That would kind of suck, yeah.
BC: How would my cans of wet food get opened? I'd have to rely on kibble alone! My mind wastes away just thinking about it!
MK: Well, I'M glad we snuggle. I couldn't sleep without you there and I can't help but smile thinking about it.
BC: Weak-willed human.
MK: Only around you, Bear.
BC: I KNOW! Doesn't this love thing totally suck!?!?! I can't help purring! I always tell myself I'm not going to snuggle . . . and I'm CERTAINLY not going to purr . . . but then I see you all warm and comfy in your bed, and you're my Momma and all . . . Grab control of yourself, man!
MK: You love me?
BC: RATS!
MK: I won't tell anyone.
BC: That's what teddy said too! And you saw what happened to him for blabbing! {Narrowing his eyes} So you can't say you didn't know . . .
On Momma sleeping around:
BC: Tasty turtle taco tarts! You sleep around!
MK: What?
BC: Within two hours, you slept in three different rooms! To be a complete room whore, all you'd need is to grab a blanket and conk out in the bathtub . . . and doze on the kitchen counter.
MK: I was a bit tired. I kept thinking I was okay, but then I could barely hold my head up so I'd drag a blanket to the nearest bed/couch.
BC: Iniquity! You should be ashamed that you sleep all over the place! This is what you humans call promiscuity!
MK: I noticed you followed me and curled up with me in every spot.
BC: Piquant peacock pies - you're right! Your iniquity is rubbing off on me! You lead me in to temptation! You're dragging me down the path of wickedness! I must find a new home quickly before there's no going back to my sweet innocence!
MK: Bear, I've never slept around the house like that before, I was just REALLY tired.
BC: Rationalization! Haven't you heard of the slippery slope? First, you're "really tired." Then, before you know it, you can't sleep AT ALL if you don't move several times in your sleep. Oh, woe! I knew this day would come. It was only a matter of time before your immorality started eating at my virtue! Goodbye, purity! So long, decency! It was nice knowing all of you!
{Bear hears Momma snoring}
BC: WHAT!?!?! How could you fall asleep during one of my greatest soliloquies!?!?! I'm OUTRAGED! ANTAGONIZED! Aggrieved! Lacerated!
{Momma keeps snoring}
BC: MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMA! I'm SCARRED! WOUNDED! TORTURED! WAKE UP!!!!!
MK: Huh?
BC: You fell asleep again! And I was speaking!
MK: What did you say?
BC: It's too late. You'll never know the depth of my agony. The ache left in my heart by your apathy.
MK: Okay. Never mind.
BC: NO! NO! NONONONO! You're supposed to beseech me to share! In your disgrace, you are supposed to ameliorate your crimes! I demand . . .
{Momma's snoring}
BC: I HATE YOU! I will make you pay! I only have to come up with the perfect machination for your heart to turn to abject supplication . . .
{Bear yawns}
BC: . . . after my nap. Is there room for me? Oooh. Warm. Niiiiiice. Momma snuggles.
On moving and the snuggle rules of decency:
MK: Really? REALLY?!?!
BC: Do you MIND?! I'm trying to sleep.
MK: That was my spot, two minutes ago.
BC: Exactly. Two minutes ago.
MK: I just had to go to the bathroom!
BC: Sorry. Your loss. No, change that, I'm NOT sorry.
MK: Yesterday you gave me a hard time because I slept in different rooms . . . but this is WHY! Every time I get up, you move to the EXACT spot where I was sleeping! I can't win!
BC: That's the fee for having the audacity to wake me up by moving in the first place. It appears you've met karma intimately. Isn't she a {BLEEP}? Had YOU not had to move, I wouldn't have had to move. You could have kept your spot. But NOOOOOOOOO. You HAD to get up. Thereby breaking our snuggle contract.
MK: Move.
BC: Make me. I dare you.
MK: You can look at me with that defiant look in your eyes, but you don't scare me.
BC: More evidence that humans are stupid.
{Pause}
BC: WAIT! WHAT?!?!? You can't just lay down and then scooch me over . . . this is against the Geneva Cat Convention! Cats don't MAKE room! We TAKE room! We had a snuggle contract!
MK: I thought cats don't "do" contracts . . . you just do what you want, when you want.
BC: RATS! Snuggle understanding? Snuggle rules of decency? All I know is that when I gift you with my snuggliness, you aren't supposed to move until I move!
MK: Snuggle up, love bug.
BC: No! NONONONO! I'll take my snuggliness elsewhere. My teddy bear will appreciate it. And so will my micey. They'll snuggle with me and NOT move! You're just RUDE.
{Pause while Bear jumps off the bed}
BC: {SIGH} {jumping back on the bed} This is my bed! Just to be clear, I'm not SNUGGLING with you. I'm just repossessing my spot from before . . . it has nothing to do with you AT ALL. I just like my warm spot.
MK: Obviously.
BC: Can you rub my ears until I fall asleep?
MK: Sure.
BC: But don't get any snuggly ideas! No touchy-feely.This is purely business!
On Bear's bug:
BC: MoooommmmmMA! Leave my bug alone!
MK: Bear, if you want the bug, eat it. But I'm not okay with you stalking, batting and just being a general pain in the ass to a bug - that's bordering on torture - and for you, can last a few hours.
BC: But I don't want to EAT the bug. They usually taste nasty! I just want to hunt the bug.
MK: Which turns into torturing the poor bug where I find a three-legged spider and random spider legs all over the house!
BC: Oh, so now the spider's feelings are more important than mine?
MK: Bear . . .
BC: DON'T "BEAR" ME! I keep you warm! I snuggle with you! I'm cute! I put up with you!!! I let you contaminate my luxurious plumage! Next time you want any of those things, go find a filthy arachnid! I QUIT!
{PAUSE}
BC: No! NO! Don't touch me! You're not going to win this . . . PURR . . . with ear rubs . . . This is illegal! Immoral! Unconscionable! Unethical! Improper! Indecent! Mistreatment! Ohhh {sigh} . . . PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. This is a conflict of interest! Undue influence! Alienation of dis-affection! I HATE . . . PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR . . . YOU! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. It's against the Geneva Cat Convention! PURRRR . . . I demand restitution! And retribution! PURRRRRRRRRRRR . . . No! NO! Don't stop!
MK: I thought you quit.
BC: Yeah, yeah. In a minute. A little to the left . . . . NO! MY left! OOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhh . . . PURRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
What is the Geneva Cat Convention? A carefully crafted set of minimum standards for the treatment of cats in all kinds of situations and circumstances. However, instead of being a treaty or agreement like the original Geneva Conventions, it hasn't been passed, ratified, or agreed to by humans and reads more as a set of demands. Because that's what cats do. In our conversations, Bear quite often refers to these rules when accusing Momma of mistreatment and indecency toward Bear. A portion of these demands are included at the very end of this post: Meowing Up The Wrong Tree? (& Lots of Pictures).
On teddy's "punishment:"
MK: Awww . . . my sweet boy!
BC: Are you mocking me?
MK: You left me a present!
BC: I didn't do it! Holy monkey muffins! There's another cat leaving "presents" for you around here!
MK: You didn't leave your teddy bear on my pillow?
BC: Oh. That. {Sniff}. I was playing with him and he landed there.
MK: For him to get on the bed, you had to carry him up there.
BC: You act like that's never happened before.
MK: It hasn't . . . with teddy. He's been your favorite toy for the past couple months.
BC: Don't CRY. He was misbehaving; I decided that his punishment was to have to sleep with you. With all your tossing and turning, he'll never get a wink!
MK: So you didn't leave him there for me?
BC: On or off the record?
MK: Off.
BC: I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you, Mr. Tough Pants. Thank you.
BC: For what?!? I didn't DO anything!
MK: For just being you.
BC: Oh. I AM pretty awesome if I might say so myself.
MK: You always do, but it's part of your charm.
BC: I don't want you to forget.
MK: I don't think I ever could.
On Bear's daily poop routine:
BC: You're in bed.
MK: It appears that way, yes.
BC: Are you going to sleep?
MK: I hope so.
BC: No, no, no, NO, NO!!! I haven't had my daily poop!
MK: That's okay.
BC: No. NO! It's not! If you go to sleep before my daily poop, it sits there all night and I have to cover it!
MK: I'm sorry, is that a problem?
BC: Phht. Cats aren't on smell remediation duty. We have people for that $#!+!
MK: Then GO poop! I'll scoop it out right now.
BC: But I'm not READY to go poop! I have a whole set of things I have to do BEFORE I poop so I have a satisfying poop!
MK: Oh, Bear. Poop now or hold your peace until the morning.
BC: This is NOT our routine. I protest! I demand restitution! Or retribution!
MK: I'm going to bed at the same time as usual. You're full of $#!+.
BC: I know! That's the problem!
MK: Then GO POOP!
BC: Don't tell me what to do! You're not the boss of me!
MK: Good NIGHT, Bear.
BC: You haven't said you love me yet!
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: NO! You can't say it before I go poop.
MK: I love you whether you're full of $#!+ or not.
{Pause}
{Momma hears some . . . umm . . . interesting noises}
MK: BEAR! I don't need sound effects!
BC: Your listening stresses me out! I have PERFORMANCE anxiety! Because you're a poop TYRANT!
MK: BEAR! You don't add sound effects any other time . . . you're just being dramatic and trying to manipulate me into doing what you want. And I'm not LISTENING. But I'm going to sleep now . . . so you don't need to worry about me listening anyway.
{Light snoring from Momma}
BC: HIIIII! I went poop!
MK: Congra . . . {more snoring}.
BC: MOOOOOOOOOOOOmmmmmmmMMMA! My litter box requires your attention! You were only supposed to PRETEND to go to sleep! This is not acceptable! And you have to tell me you love me . . . AFTER I go poop!
MK: I love you, Bear. I ALWAYS love you. Snuggle up!
BC: So you're not going to take care of my litter box?
MK: Not right now.
BC: {SIGH} Then, {SIGH} I must go cover it.
{Pause}
BC: HIIII! I'm ready to sleep now!
{Pause}
BC: Why are you looking at me like that? Are you mad? Why are you mad? Man, I'm tired. That poop TOOK it out of me. I pooped 'til I DROPPED.
{Bear snores}
MK: {BLEEP} {BLEEP}ing {BLEEP}!
BC: Do you MIND? I'm SLEEPING! Some of us require beauty rest! If you can't sleep, I suggest you make yourself useful and scoop my litter box. And might I remind you that it would have been SO much easier for you to take care of BEFORE I was forced to cover and hide my poop?!?
On Bear's fees (there's no such thing as a free lunch):
BC: You owe me $74,000.
MK: Well, that's interesting.
BC: I believe I should be compensated for you using and exposing my life on the internet.
MK: Having people love you isn't enough?
BC: Love doesn't pay the bills, lady.
MK: You don't have bills, Bear.
BC: Not relevant. You've posted 74 blog posts times $1000 each equals $74,000.
{Pause}
BC: NO! I should also get royalties for the other blog pages and your Facebook posts! Let's see, you've had the Facebook page for about 10 months, times 30 daily posts a month, equals 300 Facebook posts . . . times $100 a post, equals $30,000. Then, there's my overall modeling fee of $100,000 (I AM very photogenic I might add - and that's one heck of a deal) . . . and 8 additional blog pages times $4000 each . . . You owe me $236,000!
MK: I don't make any money off the blog or Facebook.
BC: Irrelevant.
MK: So I can charge you for my services on an hourly basis?
BC: Your "services." Phht.
MK: Just on the last blog post alone, 30 hours, times $10 an hour (which is a discount because I love you) . . . $300 from the last post. Then add your food, your litter, your toys, your cat tree, the damage you wreak around here, the vet . . . I think we're even.
BC: Preposterous! I don't HAVE to go to the vet! In fact, I'd prefer NOT to go! You've nickel and dimed me to nothing! Fine. I now charge for snuggles, and belly rubs, and purring, and meeting you at the front door.
MK: HEY! At least I gave YOU a discount! And I'll charge you for all the times you hid behind the rose bush so I couldn't get you back inside, and the times you've stood in the pouring rain DARING me to come get you, plus the times you've rolled in the mud, all the stuff you knocked in the toilet, all the hairballs . . . all my food you've stolen or licked . . .
BC: The licked food was edible! You act like you couldn't eat it!
MK: I did eat it. But it's just a little gross when I know where your tongue has been.
BC: {GASP} That's it! Now my tongue is uncouth?!?! I'm charging to groom you now too! And for all the times you refused to lick my butt like my REAL momma would do.
MK: Then I'm charging you for all the entertainment I provide . . . when you stare at me as I'm going to the bathroom, or you stare at me while I'm working, or when you laugh because I've walked into something, again.
BC: Ten million dollars for emotional distress!
MK: Twenty million dollars for breach of contract!
BC: I'm a CAT! We don't "do" contracts! We do what we want.
MK: Fine. Ten million dollars for all the sleep I've lost due to your caterwauling, demands for attention, and hijinks.
BC: I'm incorporating a "pay-as-you-go" plan. There's no such thing as a free lunch! This conversation has cost you $100.
MK: I'm charging $100 for every time you say, "I hate you!"
BC: I HATE . . .
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: I HATE . . . CHEESE!
MK: We're even.
BC: I didn't say it!
MK: Close enough.
BC: I HATE YOU!
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
MK: Ear rubs?
BC: $100 for up to five minutes.
MK: You already owe me $100.
BC: Deal. I'll keep time . . . GO! . . . 1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5 . . . BYE!
MK: That was only five SECONDS!
{Pause}
MK: You said up to . . .
{Pause}
MK: {BLEEP}!
Some of the incidents mentioned in this conversation are described in: Things I Never, Ever Thought I'd Say to a Cat.
On the perils of playing - part 1:
BC: That's it! I'm not playing with you anymore!
MK: I am soooo sorry, Bear! I didn't mean to whack you in the nose!
BC: You, madam, are dangerous with cat toys. You should be banned! It's like it's an extreme sport for you! I require a helmet and full body armor!
MK: I'm sorry! Please play with me! I feel really bad!
BC: PUE - Playing under exuberance. That's your problem! Control yourself, woman!
MK: I just want to make you happy and give you something to be excited about!
BC: By whacking me in the nose? TWICE in five minutes?
MK: Umm . . . actually, it was three times . . .
BC: WHAT!?!? So now I have BRAIN DAMAGE resulting in memory problems?
MK: How about I strap a pillow around you?
BC: How about I defecate in your shoe?
MK: So that's a "no?"
BC: Holy crap. I think she's been made even stupider by whacking HERSELF in the face with my toys. OF COURSE, that's a NO. NO, NO, NO, NO!!!
MK: I'm sorry!
BC: You already said that! Like six times! Sweet kittens! Your damage must be severe!
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm.
{Pause}
BC: You forgot to feed me my wet food treat today! And yesterday! And the day BEFORE yesterday! That's worth a whole CAN of wet food!
MK: Nice try.
BC: RATS!
On the perils of playing - part 2:
MK: I'm not sure about this new game, hide-the-mousie.
BC: Why? Because you couldn't handle swinging a mousie around without trying to kill me? So now you have to hide the mousie while I hide in my corner and then you have to do something else and ignore me while I find him?
MK: It IS kind of annoying to have to get up and hide him and then busy myself so you'll come out and get him. But the name slightly bothers me. "Hide-the-mousie" makes me feel dirty somehow; it sounds like a euphemism for something one shouldn't play with one's cat.
BC: MY phemism?!?! What about YOUR phemism! Don't act like your phemism doesn't stink just as much as anyone else's!
MK: No, eu-PHEMISM. A euphemism is a polite term for something that would otherwise be considered inappropriate or offensive.
BC: You?!?! It's ALWAYS about YOU! You aren't polite! And you ARE offensive! Let's see . . . there's your singing . . . UGH!, then, there's your, what you call "dancing," double UGH! . . . and your "music" . . .
MK: Never mind. Mousie's hidden!
BC: Yes, but you're watching! You have to pretend you're doing something.
MK: Okay.
{Pause for a few minutes}
BC: I found him! Momma! You have to hide him now!
MK: I'm in the middle of something . . . give me 30 seconds.
BC: No, no, NO, NO, NO! That's NOT how we play the game!!! You're only supposed to PRETEND you're doing something!
MK: Oh, for the love of . . .
BC: IT'S ALL ABOUT ME! ME! ME! ME! Not YOU or your PHEMISM or anything else!
On the perils of playing - part 3:
BC: Your incarceration is terminated.
MK: What?
BC: Your incarceration . . . . for Class C Felony: Playing Under Exuberance, in the First Degree.
MK: Is there an entire PENAL CODE for offenses against cats while playing?
BC: No, not really. We're capricious and arbitrary and make things up as we go.
MK: Well THAT'S a relief.
BC: You're free to swing the mousie about the premises.
MK: Okay.
BC: Correction: You're ORDERED to swing the mousie about the premises.
MK: You want to play?
BC: Yes. But there are terms to your probation.
{Pause}
BC: You must agree with them to proceed.
MK: Okay. What are they?
BC: I don't know . . . remember . . . capricious and arbitrary?!?!
MK: Then how can I follow them? Or agree to them?
BC: Humans. Always using logic to deflect responsibility. I'd like to see your license and registration.
MK: For playing with cat toys?
BC: Affirmative.
MK: I don't have any. I guess we can't play . . .
BC: I'll let it slide this ONE time. And if you violate any of the terms of your probation, I'll let you know.
MK: That's ridiculous! You could say I was sitting in my chair and it violates probation!
BC: You ARE sitting in your chair. And now that you say it, it DOES violate probation because you haven't gotten mousie out yet. Less talk-ey and more play-ey.
MK: You're ridiculous.
BC: You're in contempt of cat!
MK: You're making $#!+ up!
BC: What part of "We're capricious and arbitrary and make things up as we go," did you not understand?
MK: I plead your insanity!
BC: I think you mean stupidity!
MK: {Momma starts laughing, somewhat hysterically} YOU said it, not me.
BC: Wait a minute . . . RATS! You added a "your" in there. I meant in relation to you! NOT me!
{Momma's still laughing}
BC: ORDER IN THE . . . in the . . . in . . . the . . . CAT ROOM!
{Pause}
BC: I HATE YOU!
On Momma's demons:
And yes, this really happened . . . and I don't have the words, other than to say my boy is amazing . . .
MK: NO! HELP! STOP! ARGGGGGGGG! Please?!?!?
BC: Momma?
{Momma kicks a few times, flails, and curls up in a ball}
MK: No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
BC: Momma?!?! I'm here! It's just a bad dream! You're okay! You're safe! I'm right here!
{Bear climbs on Momma's curled body and sits there, loaf-style, as if trying to "ground" her, shoving the demons out and bringing comfort}
MK: Wha?!? Bear?
BC: I love you, Momma. You had a bad dream. You were kicking and flailing like you were trying to defend yourself. It must have been really scary.
MK: I didn't hurt you, did I? You're usually curled up right next to me. Because I couldn't forgive myself if I hurt you.
BC: No, you didn't hurt me. You were REALLY scared! I knew you were having a nightmare and I kept watch to make sure you're okay.
MK: Thank you, Bear.
MK: {Momma chokes up a bit} I love you, Bear. For all the things you destroy, you really do fix everything. You're my amazing extra special boy.
BC: You're my Momma and I love you. I can tell how much you love me by the million little things you do each day just to make my life as happy as possible. And you rescued me from my demons too. Is it okay if we snuggle for a while? I promise I won't leave you.
MK: Yes, I'd like to snuggle very much. And I'll never leave you either.
BC: I know. Our home is always safe and full of love - even when we disagree. We got lucky.
MK: Yes, we REALLY did. And having you with me, makes this a "home."
BC: Can we stop being sappy?
MK: It never happened.
BC: I hate you!
MK: Feel better?
BC: I'm back to full cat mode - but it took 3.47 seconds . . . kind of disappointing.
MK: Snuggles still?
BC: {sigh} If we must . . .
On Bear's attention-getting antics:
BC: Hiiiiiiiii!
MK: Hi, Bear.
BC: I'm going to sit here and stare at you until you do what I want.
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
On the deranged donkey:
MK: It's a hard knock life . . . for Bear. It's a hard knock life . . . for Bear! Do-do-do-do--DOOT-do, Do-do-do-do--DOOT-do . . .
BC: This isn't helping!
MK: What?
BC: Your singing!
MK: Whoops. Sorry. I was trying to comfort you while I was washing your face.
BC: Who in the kitty gods' green earth would think YOUR singing is comforting!?!?!?!
MK: Well, I don't . . . hmmm. Okay. Let me see those . . .
BC: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
MK: What?!?! What now?!?!
BC: EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. When you start to brush my teeth, you say, "Let me see those choppers!" and then you bare your teeth right in my face! It's like I'm being mocked by a dumb and deranged donkey!
MK: I'm sorr . . .
BC: Do you HAVE to show your teeth while you brush mine? Is this some kind of scare tactic or intimidation technique to remind me that your teeth are bigger than mine?
MK: Well, no. I mean . . .
BC: That's IT! I can't take it anymore! Isn't it bad enough that you have to brush my teeth and wash my face?!?!
MK: You could think of them as spa treatments . . .
BC: I'm a CAT! I don't "do" spa treatments!
MK: Okay then. They're for your health.
BC: I DON'T CARE! You somehow choose the FEW things that are more annoying than the tasks themselves. Singing? BARING YOUR TEETH?!?!
MK: I'm sorry, Bear. I'll try to stop.
BC: {DRAMATIC SIGH} You're a human. I suppose expecting you to NOT be annoying is beyond your abilities.
MK: Can I annoy you with an ear rub?
BC: Hmmmph.
{Pause}
BC: {SIGH} I SUPPOSE. If you must. But I'm only putting up with this for you!
MK: You're purring.
BC: {SIGH} The lengths I go to keep you happy . . .
{Pause}
BC: WAIT! WHAT?!?!? Don't STOP! I'm not done . . . with . . . with . . . being the martyr yet! You must allow me to fully sacrifice myself! Oh, {BLEEP}! I just LIKE ear rubs!
On fear and the "love thing:"
BC: You will NOT antagonize me! Stand down, or die!
{Pause}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
MK: Wow! Those were some ninja moves!
BC: Thank you!
MK: I turned around just in time to see you tearing down the hall and picking teddy up in your mouth without even stopping.
BC: It was time for him to pay.
MK: It's so ADORABLE to watch you carry teddy around.
BC: Adorable?!?!?!? ADORABLE!?!?! Madam, my wrath is not ADORABLE! I was showing that depraved bear the extent of my furry fury! And I was NOT "carrying teddy around." I was parading with my victim . . . me being the victor and all.
MK: You're scary.
BC: I like to think so.
MK: No wonder I can't sleep.
BC: Knowing my power, I don't know how you sleep either.
MK: Hmmm . . . maybe it's the purring snugglebug that always manages to curl up with me?
BC: Purring snugglebug?!?! SNUGGLEBUG!?!?! I keep vigilant watch over the room so that no monsters eat you.
MK: That would kind of suck, yeah.
BC: How would my cans of wet food get opened? I'd have to rely on kibble alone! My mind wastes away just thinking about it!
MK: Well, I'M glad we snuggle. I couldn't sleep without you there and I can't help but smile thinking about it.
BC: Weak-willed human.
MK: Only around you, Bear.
BC: I KNOW! Doesn't this love thing totally suck!?!?! I can't help purring! I always tell myself I'm not going to snuggle . . . and I'm CERTAINLY not going to purr . . . but then I see you all warm and comfy in your bed, and you're my Momma and all . . . Grab control of yourself, man!
MK: You love me?
BC: RATS!
MK: I won't tell anyone.
BC: That's what teddy said too! And you saw what happened to him for blabbing! {Narrowing his eyes} So you can't say you didn't know . . .
On Momma sleeping around:
BC: Tasty turtle taco tarts! You sleep around!
MK: What?
BC: Within two hours, you slept in three different rooms! To be a complete room whore, all you'd need is to grab a blanket and conk out in the bathtub . . . and doze on the kitchen counter.
MK: I was a bit tired. I kept thinking I was okay, but then I could barely hold my head up so I'd drag a blanket to the nearest bed/couch.
BC: Iniquity! You should be ashamed that you sleep all over the place! This is what you humans call promiscuity!
MK: I noticed you followed me and curled up with me in every spot.
BC: Piquant peacock pies - you're right! Your iniquity is rubbing off on me! You lead me in to temptation! You're dragging me down the path of wickedness! I must find a new home quickly before there's no going back to my sweet innocence!
MK: Bear, I've never slept around the house like that before, I was just REALLY tired.
BC: Rationalization! Haven't you heard of the slippery slope? First, you're "really tired." Then, before you know it, you can't sleep AT ALL if you don't move several times in your sleep. Oh, woe! I knew this day would come. It was only a matter of time before your immorality started eating at my virtue! Goodbye, purity! So long, decency! It was nice knowing all of you!
{Bear hears Momma snoring}
BC: WHAT!?!?! How could you fall asleep during one of my greatest soliloquies!?!?! I'm OUTRAGED! ANTAGONIZED! Aggrieved! Lacerated!
{Momma keeps snoring}
BC: MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMA! I'm SCARRED! WOUNDED! TORTURED! WAKE UP!!!!!
MK: Huh?
BC: You fell asleep again! And I was speaking!
MK: What did you say?
BC: It's too late. You'll never know the depth of my agony. The ache left in my heart by your apathy.
MK: Okay. Never mind.
BC: NO! NO! NONONONO! You're supposed to beseech me to share! In your disgrace, you are supposed to ameliorate your crimes! I demand . . .
{Momma's snoring}
BC: I HATE YOU! I will make you pay! I only have to come up with the perfect machination for your heart to turn to abject supplication . . .
{Bear yawns}
BC: . . . after my nap. Is there room for me? Oooh. Warm. Niiiiiice. Momma snuggles.
On moving and the snuggle rules of decency:
MK: Really? REALLY?!?!
BC: Do you MIND?! I'm trying to sleep.
MK: That was my spot, two minutes ago.
BC: Exactly. Two minutes ago.
MK: I just had to go to the bathroom!
BC: Sorry. Your loss. No, change that, I'm NOT sorry.
MK: Yesterday you gave me a hard time because I slept in different rooms . . . but this is WHY! Every time I get up, you move to the EXACT spot where I was sleeping! I can't win!
BC: That's the fee for having the audacity to wake me up by moving in the first place. It appears you've met karma intimately. Isn't she a {BLEEP}? Had YOU not had to move, I wouldn't have had to move. You could have kept your spot. But NOOOOOOOOO. You HAD to get up. Thereby breaking our snuggle contract.
MK: Move.
BC: Make me. I dare you.
MK: You can look at me with that defiant look in your eyes, but you don't scare me.
BC: More evidence that humans are stupid.
{Pause}
BC: WAIT! WHAT?!?!? You can't just lay down and then scooch me over . . . this is against the Geneva Cat Convention! Cats don't MAKE room! We TAKE room! We had a snuggle contract!
MK: I thought cats don't "do" contracts . . . you just do what you want, when you want.
BC: RATS! Snuggle understanding? Snuggle rules of decency? All I know is that when I gift you with my snuggliness, you aren't supposed to move until I move!
MK: Snuggle up, love bug.
BC: No! NONONONO! I'll take my snuggliness elsewhere. My teddy bear will appreciate it. And so will my micey. They'll snuggle with me and NOT move! You're just RUDE.
{Pause while Bear jumps off the bed}
BC: {SIGH} {jumping back on the bed} This is my bed! Just to be clear, I'm not SNUGGLING with you. I'm just repossessing my spot from before . . . it has nothing to do with you AT ALL. I just like my warm spot.
MK: Obviously.
BC: Can you rub my ears until I fall asleep?
MK: Sure.
BC: But don't get any snuggly ideas! No touchy-feely.This is purely business!
On Bear's bug:
BC: MoooommmmmMA! Leave my bug alone!
MK: Bear, if you want the bug, eat it. But I'm not okay with you stalking, batting and just being a general pain in the ass to a bug - that's bordering on torture - and for you, can last a few hours.
BC: But I don't want to EAT the bug. They usually taste nasty! I just want to hunt the bug.
MK: Which turns into torturing the poor bug where I find a three-legged spider and random spider legs all over the house!
BC: Oh, so now the spider's feelings are more important than mine?
MK: Bear . . .
BC: DON'T "BEAR" ME! I keep you warm! I snuggle with you! I'm cute! I put up with you!!! I let you contaminate my luxurious plumage! Next time you want any of those things, go find a filthy arachnid! I QUIT!
{PAUSE}
BC: No! NO! Don't touch me! You're not going to win this . . . PURR . . . with ear rubs . . . This is illegal! Immoral! Unconscionable! Unethical! Improper! Indecent! Mistreatment! Ohhh {sigh} . . . PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. This is a conflict of interest! Undue influence! Alienation of dis-affection! I HATE . . . PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR . . . YOU! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. It's against the Geneva Cat Convention! PURRRR . . . I demand restitution! And retribution! PURRRRRRRRRRRR . . . No! NO! Don't stop!
MK: I thought you quit.
BC: Yeah, yeah. In a minute. A little to the left . . . . NO! MY left! OOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhh . . . PURRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
What is the Geneva Cat Convention? A carefully crafted set of minimum standards for the treatment of cats in all kinds of situations and circumstances. However, instead of being a treaty or agreement like the original Geneva Conventions, it hasn't been passed, ratified, or agreed to by humans and reads more as a set of demands. Because that's what cats do. In our conversations, Bear quite often refers to these rules when accusing Momma of mistreatment and indecency toward Bear. A portion of these demands are included at the very end of this post: Meowing Up The Wrong Tree? (& Lots of Pictures).
On teddy's "punishment:"
MK: Awww . . . my sweet boy!
BC: Are you mocking me?
MK: You left me a present!
BC: I didn't do it! Holy monkey muffins! There's another cat leaving "presents" for you around here!
MK: You didn't leave your teddy bear on my pillow?
BC: Oh. That. {Sniff}. I was playing with him and he landed there.
MK: For him to get on the bed, you had to carry him up there.
BC: You act like that's never happened before.
MK: It hasn't . . . with teddy. He's been your favorite toy for the past couple months.
BC: Don't CRY. He was misbehaving; I decided that his punishment was to have to sleep with you. With all your tossing and turning, he'll never get a wink!
MK: So you didn't leave him there for me?
BC: On or off the record?
MK: Off.
BC: I love you, Momma.
MK: I love you, Mr. Tough Pants. Thank you.
BC: For what?!? I didn't DO anything!
MK: For just being you.
BC: Oh. I AM pretty awesome if I might say so myself.
MK: You always do, but it's part of your charm.
BC: I don't want you to forget.
MK: I don't think I ever could.
On Bear's daily poop routine:
BC: You're in bed.
MK: It appears that way, yes.
BC: Are you going to sleep?
MK: I hope so.
BC: No, no, no, NO, NO!!! I haven't had my daily poop!
MK: That's okay.
BC: No. NO! It's not! If you go to sleep before my daily poop, it sits there all night and I have to cover it!
MK: I'm sorry, is that a problem?
BC: Phht. Cats aren't on smell remediation duty. We have people for that $#!+!
MK: Then GO poop! I'll scoop it out right now.
BC: But I'm not READY to go poop! I have a whole set of things I have to do BEFORE I poop so I have a satisfying poop!
MK: Oh, Bear. Poop now or hold your peace until the morning.
BC: This is NOT our routine. I protest! I demand restitution! Or retribution!
MK: I'm going to bed at the same time as usual. You're full of $#!+.
BC: I know! That's the problem!
MK: Then GO POOP!
BC: Don't tell me what to do! You're not the boss of me!
MK: Good NIGHT, Bear.
BC: You haven't said you love me yet!
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: NO! You can't say it before I go poop.
MK: I love you whether you're full of $#!+ or not.
{Pause}
{Momma hears some . . . umm . . . interesting noises}
MK: BEAR! I don't need sound effects!
BC: Your listening stresses me out! I have PERFORMANCE anxiety! Because you're a poop TYRANT!
MK: BEAR! You don't add sound effects any other time . . . you're just being dramatic and trying to manipulate me into doing what you want. And I'm not LISTENING. But I'm going to sleep now . . . so you don't need to worry about me listening anyway.
{Light snoring from Momma}
BC: HIIIII! I went poop!
MK: Congra . . . {more snoring}.
BC: MOOOOOOOOOOOOmmmmmmmMMMA! My litter box requires your attention! You were only supposed to PRETEND to go to sleep! This is not acceptable! And you have to tell me you love me . . . AFTER I go poop!
MK: I love you, Bear. I ALWAYS love you. Snuggle up!
BC: So you're not going to take care of my litter box?
MK: Not right now.
BC: {SIGH} Then, {SIGH} I must go cover it.
{Pause}
BC: HIIII! I'm ready to sleep now!
{Pause}
BC: Why are you looking at me like that? Are you mad? Why are you mad? Man, I'm tired. That poop TOOK it out of me. I pooped 'til I DROPPED.
{Bear snores}
MK: {BLEEP} {BLEEP}ing {BLEEP}!
BC: Do you MIND? I'm SLEEPING! Some of us require beauty rest! If you can't sleep, I suggest you make yourself useful and scoop my litter box. And might I remind you that it would have been SO much easier for you to take care of BEFORE I was forced to cover and hide my poop?!?
On Bear's fees (there's no such thing as a free lunch):
BC: You owe me $74,000.
MK: Well, that's interesting.
BC: I believe I should be compensated for you using and exposing my life on the internet.
MK: Having people love you isn't enough?
BC: Love doesn't pay the bills, lady.
MK: You don't have bills, Bear.
BC: Not relevant. You've posted 74 blog posts times $1000 each equals $74,000.
{Pause}
BC: NO! I should also get royalties for the other blog pages and your Facebook posts! Let's see, you've had the Facebook page for about 10 months, times 30 daily posts a month, equals 300 Facebook posts . . . times $100 a post, equals $30,000. Then, there's my overall modeling fee of $100,000 (I AM very photogenic I might add - and that's one heck of a deal) . . . and 8 additional blog pages times $4000 each . . . You owe me $236,000!
MK: I don't make any money off the blog or Facebook.
BC: Irrelevant.
MK: So I can charge you for my services on an hourly basis?
BC: Your "services." Phht.
MK: Just on the last blog post alone, 30 hours, times $10 an hour (which is a discount because I love you) . . . $300 from the last post. Then add your food, your litter, your toys, your cat tree, the damage you wreak around here, the vet . . . I think we're even.
BC: Preposterous! I don't HAVE to go to the vet! In fact, I'd prefer NOT to go! You've nickel and dimed me to nothing! Fine. I now charge for snuggles, and belly rubs, and purring, and meeting you at the front door.
MK: HEY! At least I gave YOU a discount! And I'll charge you for all the times you hid behind the rose bush so I couldn't get you back inside, and the times you've stood in the pouring rain DARING me to come get you, plus the times you've rolled in the mud, all the stuff you knocked in the toilet, all the hairballs . . . all my food you've stolen or licked . . .
BC: The licked food was edible! You act like you couldn't eat it!
MK: I did eat it. But it's just a little gross when I know where your tongue has been.
BC: {GASP} That's it! Now my tongue is uncouth?!?! I'm charging to groom you now too! And for all the times you refused to lick my butt like my REAL momma would do.
MK: Then I'm charging you for all the entertainment I provide . . . when you stare at me as I'm going to the bathroom, or you stare at me while I'm working, or when you laugh because I've walked into something, again.
BC: Ten million dollars for emotional distress!
MK: Twenty million dollars for breach of contract!
BC: I'm a CAT! We don't "do" contracts! We do what we want.
MK: Fine. Ten million dollars for all the sleep I've lost due to your caterwauling, demands for attention, and hijinks.
BC: I'm incorporating a "pay-as-you-go" plan. There's no such thing as a free lunch! This conversation has cost you $100.
MK: I'm charging $100 for every time you say, "I hate you!"
BC: I HATE . . .
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: I HATE . . . CHEESE!
MK: We're even.
BC: I didn't say it!
MK: Close enough.
BC: I HATE YOU!
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
MK: Ear rubs?
BC: $100 for up to five minutes.
MK: You already owe me $100.
BC: Deal. I'll keep time . . . GO! . . . 1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5 . . . BYE!
MK: That was only five SECONDS!
{Pause}
MK: You said up to . . .
{Pause}
MK: {BLEEP}!
Some of the incidents mentioned in this conversation are described in: Things I Never, Ever Thought I'd Say to a Cat.
On the perils of playing - part 1:
BC: That's it! I'm not playing with you anymore!
MK: I am soooo sorry, Bear! I didn't mean to whack you in the nose!
BC: You, madam, are dangerous with cat toys. You should be banned! It's like it's an extreme sport for you! I require a helmet and full body armor!
MK: I'm sorry! Please play with me! I feel really bad!
BC: PUE - Playing under exuberance. That's your problem! Control yourself, woman!
MK: I just want to make you happy and give you something to be excited about!
BC: By whacking me in the nose? TWICE in five minutes?
MK: Umm . . . actually, it was three times . . .
BC: WHAT!?!? So now I have BRAIN DAMAGE resulting in memory problems?
MK: How about I strap a pillow around you?
BC: How about I defecate in your shoe?
MK: So that's a "no?"
BC: Holy crap. I think she's been made even stupider by whacking HERSELF in the face with my toys. OF COURSE, that's a NO. NO, NO, NO, NO!!!
MK: I'm sorry!
BC: You already said that! Like six times! Sweet kittens! Your damage must be severe!
{Pause}
BC: Hmmm.
{Pause}
BC: You forgot to feed me my wet food treat today! And yesterday! And the day BEFORE yesterday! That's worth a whole CAN of wet food!
MK: Nice try.
BC: RATS!
On the perils of playing - part 2:
MK: I'm not sure about this new game, hide-the-mousie.
BC: Why? Because you couldn't handle swinging a mousie around without trying to kill me? So now you have to hide the mousie while I hide in my corner and then you have to do something else and ignore me while I find him?
MK: It IS kind of annoying to have to get up and hide him and then busy myself so you'll come out and get him. But the name slightly bothers me. "Hide-the-mousie" makes me feel dirty somehow; it sounds like a euphemism for something one shouldn't play with one's cat.
BC: MY phemism?!?! What about YOUR phemism! Don't act like your phemism doesn't stink just as much as anyone else's!
MK: No, eu-PHEMISM. A euphemism is a polite term for something that would otherwise be considered inappropriate or offensive.
BC: You?!?! It's ALWAYS about YOU! You aren't polite! And you ARE offensive! Let's see . . . there's your singing . . . UGH!, then, there's your, what you call "dancing," double UGH! . . . and your "music" . . .
MK: Never mind. Mousie's hidden!
BC: Yes, but you're watching! You have to pretend you're doing something.
MK: Okay.
{Pause for a few minutes}
BC: I found him! Momma! You have to hide him now!
MK: I'm in the middle of something . . . give me 30 seconds.
BC: No, no, NO, NO, NO! That's NOT how we play the game!!! You're only supposed to PRETEND you're doing something!
MK: Oh, for the love of . . .
BC: IT'S ALL ABOUT ME! ME! ME! ME! Not YOU or your PHEMISM or anything else!
On the perils of playing - part 3:
BC: Your incarceration is terminated.
MK: What?
BC: Your incarceration . . . . for Class C Felony: Playing Under Exuberance, in the First Degree.
MK: Is there an entire PENAL CODE for offenses against cats while playing?
BC: No, not really. We're capricious and arbitrary and make things up as we go.
MK: Well THAT'S a relief.
BC: You're free to swing the mousie about the premises.
MK: Okay.
BC: Correction: You're ORDERED to swing the mousie about the premises.
MK: You want to play?
BC: Yes. But there are terms to your probation.
{Pause}
BC: You must agree with them to proceed.
MK: Okay. What are they?
BC: I don't know . . . remember . . . capricious and arbitrary?!?!
MK: Then how can I follow them? Or agree to them?
BC: Humans. Always using logic to deflect responsibility. I'd like to see your license and registration.
MK: For playing with cat toys?
BC: Affirmative.
MK: I don't have any. I guess we can't play . . .
BC: I'll let it slide this ONE time. And if you violate any of the terms of your probation, I'll let you know.
MK: That's ridiculous! You could say I was sitting in my chair and it violates probation!
BC: You ARE sitting in your chair. And now that you say it, it DOES violate probation because you haven't gotten mousie out yet. Less talk-ey and more play-ey.
MK: You're ridiculous.
BC: You're in contempt of cat!
MK: You're making $#!+ up!
BC: What part of "We're capricious and arbitrary and make things up as we go," did you not understand?
MK: I plead your insanity!
BC: I think you mean stupidity!
MK: {Momma starts laughing, somewhat hysterically} YOU said it, not me.
BC: Wait a minute . . . RATS! You added a "your" in there. I meant in relation to you! NOT me!
{Momma's still laughing}
BC: ORDER IN THE . . . in the . . . in . . . the . . . CAT ROOM!
{Pause}
BC: I HATE YOU!
On Momma's demons:
And yes, this really happened . . . and I don't have the words, other than to say my boy is amazing . . .
MK: NO! HELP! STOP! ARGGGGGGGG! Please?!?!?
BC: Momma?
{Momma kicks a few times, flails, and curls up in a ball}
MK: No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
BC: Momma?!?! I'm here! It's just a bad dream! You're okay! You're safe! I'm right here!
{Bear climbs on Momma's curled body and sits there, loaf-style, as if trying to "ground" her, shoving the demons out and bringing comfort}
MK: Wha?!? Bear?
BC: I love you, Momma. You had a bad dream. You were kicking and flailing like you were trying to defend yourself. It must have been really scary.
MK: I didn't hurt you, did I? You're usually curled up right next to me. Because I couldn't forgive myself if I hurt you.
BC: No, you didn't hurt me. You were REALLY scared! I knew you were having a nightmare and I kept watch to make sure you're okay.
MK: Thank you, Bear.
MK: {Momma chokes up a bit} I love you, Bear. For all the things you destroy, you really do fix everything. You're my amazing extra special boy.
BC: You're my Momma and I love you. I can tell how much you love me by the million little things you do each day just to make my life as happy as possible. And you rescued me from my demons too. Is it okay if we snuggle for a while? I promise I won't leave you.
MK: Yes, I'd like to snuggle very much. And I'll never leave you either.
BC: I know. Our home is always safe and full of love - even when we disagree. We got lucky.
MK: Yes, we REALLY did. And having you with me, makes this a "home."
BC: Can we stop being sappy?
MK: It never happened.
BC: I hate you!
MK: Feel better?
BC: I'm back to full cat mode - but it took 3.47 seconds . . . kind of disappointing.
MK: Snuggles still?
BC: {sigh} If we must . . .
On Bear's attention-getting antics:
BC: Hiiiiiiiii!
MK: Hi, Bear.
BC: I'm going to sit here and stare at you until you do what I want.
MK: I'll pet you!
BC: No! NO! Don't touch me! That's not what I want!
MK: Ooooookay then.
BC: HIIIIIIII! Maybe you didn't notice, but I'm still sitting here.
MK: Congratulations.
BC: {sigh} . . . {bigger SIGH} . . . {EXTRA DRAMATIC SIGH} . . . {SNORT}.
{Bear jumps down from the table.}
{Pause}
BC: I'm on the counter! I'm about to knock your glass off!
{Pause}
BC: Here I go! {Sigh} . . . {bigger SIGH} . . . {EXTRA DRAMATIC SIGH} . . . {SNORT}.
{Momma hears Bear jump down from the counter.}
BC: {ripping up the back of Momma's chair} I'm ripping up your chair!
MK: Yes, you are.
BC: Aren't you going to do anything about it?
MK: Would it make a difference? You'll just do it again when my back is turned.
BC: You're not playing the GAME! MoooooooooommmmmMMA! PLAY THE GAME!
{Pause}
BC: HHHHMMMPH. I liked it better before you resigned yourself to the fact that I'll do whatever I want! Now you're NO FUN!
MK: I'm sorry to disappoint you, Bear.
BC: EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Isn't it bad enough that I have to share my home with a human? Now I can't even get a reaction? What fun is that?!?!?
{Pause}
BC: Never fear . . . I will think of something . . .
MK: I HEAR YOU!
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: Can you plug in the toaster?
Momma's note: Unfortunately for Bear, his attention-getting antics, that don't threaten his life, no longer get the desired reaction. Momma finally realized he's a cat - he'll do exactly what he wants. Until he comes up with a new plan (and because all the cords are taped to the wall so he can't chew them anymore), the only thing that will ALWAYS get Momma to come running is by sticking his paw in the toaster (which he makes sure I'm watching before he does it). You'd think he'd have learned the lesson five years ago, when his paw got stuck and Momma got there JUST in time to catch both the cat AND the toaster. Which is why Momma now keeps it unplugged when not in use - much to Bear's disappointment.
Bear's note: I accept sympathies in the form of tasty whole chickens.
On flashlight hazards:
MK: What the . . . ? Aww, HELL! The electricity is out.
{Momma fumbling around in the dark}
{!!!THUNK!!!}
MK: {BLEEP} {BLEEP)ing {BLEEP} {BLEEP}!
BC: Ummm . . . Momma, are you okay?
{Pause}
BC: MoooooooommmMMA! Do you need mouth-to-mouth?!? CPR?!?! Oh, kitty gods . . . I'm due for my wet food treat in a few hours . . . please let her live that long!
MK: I think I split my lip walking into the entertainment center on the way to grab the flashlight.
BC: You could just turn on the light.
MK: No. No. I really CAN'T just turn on the light. We don't have electricity.
BC: Or watch where you're going.
MK: It's DARK, Bear! And since all the lights are out in our neighborhood, it's pitch black - I doubt you can see either.
BC: Oh, yeah. I see the problem.
{Pause}
BC: WAIT! Did you say FLASHLIGHT?!?!? PLAY TIME!!!
MK: No, Bear. It's pitch black in here and I can't do much without at least a little light.
{The flashlight goes on . . . Bear starts chirping.}
BC: Oooooooh! Flashlight! Come back here, you rascal! I WILL catch you!
MK: Bear . . .
BC: HEY! You're putting it up too high on the wall for me! I can't get it up there!
MK: We're not . . . AWWW, HELL! Bear!
BC: You fell over.
MK: Yes, well, that tends to happen when you have a cat frantically running all over the place after a flashlight and you can't stop quickly enough not to trip over the cat.
BC: This is the best game EVER!
MK: This isn't a . . . oh hell. What else am I going to do? Though I'd never thought of flashlight as an extreme sport.
BC: Do we still have 911 coverage . . . ohhhh! Flashlight! . . . in case you REALLY hurt your . . . ohhhh! Flashlight!
{THUNK!}
MK: Ow.
BC: You stopped moving the flashlight!
MK: Yeah, okay.
BC: Why are you on the floor?
MK: Give me a few minutes. My knee . . .
BC: {GASP} What happened to your lip?!?! It's TEN times its usual size?!?!? I think you should turn the lights on before someone (YOU!!!) really hurts themselves.
{Pause}
BC: Phht. I'm taking a nap. Chasing the flashlight wore me OUT! You know where I'll be when it's my treat time.
On "why:"
BC: What are you doing?
MK: Going to the bathroom.
BC: Why?
MK: Because, like you, I drink liquids.
BC: Why?
MK: So I don't get dehydrated.
BC: Why don't you use a litter box?
MK: Because I'm a bunch bigger than you and I don't think it would be practical . . . plus, you wouldn't want to share your litter box.
BC: Why?
MK: Why WHAT?!?!
BC: Why are you a bunch bigger than me?
MK: Because I'm human.
BC: Why?
MK: Freak of nature.
BC: Mmmm . . . hmmm . . . You're a freak of nature.
{Pause}
BC: Why?
MK: Are you bored? Or do you just feel like annoying me?
BC: I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!
MK: Sorr . . . WAIT! Why am I sorry?!?!?
BC: Because you're a freak of nature? Not a member of a superior species? Or because you're over-sized since you're bigger than me?
MK: You're a cat! You sleep eighteen hours of the day and pester me the other six!
BC {sigh} I know. It's a hard job. Sometimes I wish I could take a day off. But you'd miss me. Without me, your life would be sad, dull, and empty.
{Pause}
MK: But . . . I . . . hmmmm . . . That's true. ABSOLUTELY true.
BC: Another day, another sacrifice.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Why?
{Pause while Momma and Bear stare at each other}
BC: {sigh} I'm just kidding. I love you, Momma. Can we play?
MK: That sounds like a fantastic idea.
On an embarrassing "Momma moment:"
BC: You were cheating on me!
MK: What?
BC: Your face!
MK: Wha . . . {Momma looks in the mirror}.
MK: {Bleep} {BLEEP}ing {bleep} {bleep} {BLEEP}!
BC: WHOOOOA! I like that! Can you repeat that? I want to write that down! Where are all the pens? I swear, EVERY TIME I need a pen around here, I can't find one!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! That's inconvenient. Momma, can you dig one of the pens out from under the couch so I can write that down?
MK: {In her own little world and not really paying attention} I knocked myself in the face with my car door.
BC: You move the doors yourself.
MK: Yes, I recognize that. Thus, "I knocked myself . . . "
BC: My Momma, one of the few people in the world who smacks herself down to save others the effort.
MK: Haha.
BC: {GASP} You want to replace me! If you give yourself smack-downs, you won't need me!
MK: Bear, I've always been a bit graceless . . . and at least you're cute.
BC: Oh, right. You ARE graceless. You've walked into walls . . . then the couple times you whacked your head on the corner of my cat tree . . . and the times you've speared your head with the corner of the medicine cabinet door . . . and those are just the ones on the top of my head. Head. Haha.
MK: Thanks for the reminders.
BC: No problem. If you have brain damage, I'll still remember. But you don't have to thank me - it's included in your "premium cat" plan.
MK: Fantastic. How kind of you.
BC: Can you dig one of the pens out from under the couch now? I REALLY want to write down what you said earlier! RATS! What DID you say? I really should pay more attention when you're talking . . . but all I hear is "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah . . . "
{Pause}
MK: BEAR! There are nineteen pens under here! I don't even keep that many pens out and I cleaned everything out from under the couch a few days ago!
{Pause}
MK: What the . . . a pen from a car repair place in a state I've never been to? A FUNERAL HOME in a CITY I've never been to, much less for a funeral?!?! And a bank I've never heard of?!?! Where did these pens come from?!?!?
BC: Like I said,"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah . . . "
On another embarrassing "Momma moment:"
BC: Giggle, giggle . . . Momma? You have something on your face.
MK: My . . . Oh, haha. I'm not falling for that again. I'll run to look in the mirror and there won't be anything there. Meanwhile, you'll dissolve in giggles.
BC: No, there really IS something on your face!
MK: You've pawed at your face every time I looked at you several times already today . . . and nothing!
BC: Giggle, giggle, SNORT. Suit yourself. Giggle, giggle.
MK: Like you never get anything in your fur!
BC: My fur is always pristine.
MK: Oh, yeah? What about after one of your infamous dust baths?
BC: You mean when I roll around in the dust on the front porch?
MK: Yes.
BC: Giggle, giggle. I just do that to annoy you. The look on your face is priceless . . . and you always mumble about if you'd wanted an animal that rolled in disgusting things you'd have gotten a dog. And you spend the next few hours confused . . . You keep looking at me deciding whether my fur conditioner requires a bath and whether you feel like trying to wrangle me into a bath. Giggle, giggle.
MK: Haha.
BC: You know better, but I see the wheels in your brain turning . . . trying to determine if it's worth trying again. And when I get bored of the game, all I have to do is roll around in your bed and BOOM! My beautiful fur is back to pristine condition.
{Pause}
MK: I have something on my face! Why didn't you . . .
{Pause}
MK: RATS! Has it been there ALL DAY?!?!? How did I miss a huge white streak across my forehead . . . THREE times?!?!?
BC: I TOLD you! Did you notice it looks like an "L?" Giggle, giggle, SNORT, giggle, giggle.
BC: No! NO! Don't touch me! That's not what I want!
MK: Ooooookay then.
BC: HIIIIIIII! Maybe you didn't notice, but I'm still sitting here.
MK: Congratulations.
BC: {sigh} . . . {bigger SIGH} . . . {EXTRA DRAMATIC SIGH} . . . {SNORT}.
{Bear jumps down from the table.}
{Pause}
BC: I'm on the counter! I'm about to knock your glass off!
{Pause}
BC: Here I go! {Sigh} . . . {bigger SIGH} . . . {EXTRA DRAMATIC SIGH} . . . {SNORT}.
{Momma hears Bear jump down from the counter.}
BC: {ripping up the back of Momma's chair} I'm ripping up your chair!
MK: Yes, you are.
BC: Aren't you going to do anything about it?
MK: Would it make a difference? You'll just do it again when my back is turned.
BC: You're not playing the GAME! MoooooooooommmmmMMA! PLAY THE GAME!
{Pause}
BC: HHHHMMMPH. I liked it better before you resigned yourself to the fact that I'll do whatever I want! Now you're NO FUN!
MK: I'm sorry to disappoint you, Bear.
BC: EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Isn't it bad enough that I have to share my home with a human? Now I can't even get a reaction? What fun is that?!?!?
{Pause}
BC: Never fear . . . I will think of something . . .
MK: I HEAR YOU!
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: Can you plug in the toaster?
Momma's note: Unfortunately for Bear, his attention-getting antics, that don't threaten his life, no longer get the desired reaction. Momma finally realized he's a cat - he'll do exactly what he wants. Until he comes up with a new plan (and because all the cords are taped to the wall so he can't chew them anymore), the only thing that will ALWAYS get Momma to come running is by sticking his paw in the toaster (which he makes sure I'm watching before he does it). You'd think he'd have learned the lesson five years ago, when his paw got stuck and Momma got there JUST in time to catch both the cat AND the toaster. Which is why Momma now keeps it unplugged when not in use - much to Bear's disappointment.
Bear's note: I accept sympathies in the form of tasty whole chickens.
On flashlight hazards:
MK: What the . . . ? Aww, HELL! The electricity is out.
{Momma fumbling around in the dark}
{!!!THUNK!!!}
MK: {BLEEP} {BLEEP)ing {BLEEP} {BLEEP}!
BC: Ummm . . . Momma, are you okay?
{Pause}
BC: MoooooooommmMMA! Do you need mouth-to-mouth?!? CPR?!?! Oh, kitty gods . . . I'm due for my wet food treat in a few hours . . . please let her live that long!
MK: I think I split my lip walking into the entertainment center on the way to grab the flashlight.
BC: You could just turn on the light.
MK: No. No. I really CAN'T just turn on the light. We don't have electricity.
BC: Or watch where you're going.
MK: It's DARK, Bear! And since all the lights are out in our neighborhood, it's pitch black - I doubt you can see either.
BC: Oh, yeah. I see the problem.
{Pause}
BC: WAIT! Did you say FLASHLIGHT?!?!? PLAY TIME!!!
MK: No, Bear. It's pitch black in here and I can't do much without at least a little light.
{The flashlight goes on . . . Bear starts chirping.}
BC: Oooooooh! Flashlight! Come back here, you rascal! I WILL catch you!
MK: Bear . . .
BC: HEY! You're putting it up too high on the wall for me! I can't get it up there!
MK: We're not . . . AWWW, HELL! Bear!
BC: You fell over.
MK: Yes, well, that tends to happen when you have a cat frantically running all over the place after a flashlight and you can't stop quickly enough not to trip over the cat.
BC: This is the best game EVER!
MK: This isn't a . . . oh hell. What else am I going to do? Though I'd never thought of flashlight as an extreme sport.
BC: Do we still have 911 coverage . . . ohhhh! Flashlight! . . . in case you REALLY hurt your . . . ohhhh! Flashlight!
{THUNK!}
MK: Ow.
BC: You stopped moving the flashlight!
MK: Yeah, okay.
BC: Why are you on the floor?
MK: Give me a few minutes. My knee . . .
BC: {GASP} What happened to your lip?!?! It's TEN times its usual size?!?!? I think you should turn the lights on before someone (YOU!!!) really hurts themselves.
{Pause}
BC: Phht. I'm taking a nap. Chasing the flashlight wore me OUT! You know where I'll be when it's my treat time.
On "why:"
BC: What are you doing?
MK: Going to the bathroom.
BC: Why?
MK: Because, like you, I drink liquids.
BC: Why?
MK: So I don't get dehydrated.
BC: Why don't you use a litter box?
MK: Because I'm a bunch bigger than you and I don't think it would be practical . . . plus, you wouldn't want to share your litter box.
BC: Why?
MK: Why WHAT?!?!
BC: Why are you a bunch bigger than me?
MK: Because I'm human.
BC: Why?
MK: Freak of nature.
BC: Mmmm . . . hmmm . . . You're a freak of nature.
{Pause}
BC: Why?
MK: Are you bored? Or do you just feel like annoying me?
BC: I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!
MK: Sorr . . . WAIT! Why am I sorry?!?!?
BC: Because you're a freak of nature? Not a member of a superior species? Or because you're over-sized since you're bigger than me?
MK: You're a cat! You sleep eighteen hours of the day and pester me the other six!
BC {sigh} I know. It's a hard job. Sometimes I wish I could take a day off. But you'd miss me. Without me, your life would be sad, dull, and empty.
{Pause}
MK: But . . . I . . . hmmmm . . . That's true. ABSOLUTELY true.
BC: Another day, another sacrifice.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Why?
{Pause while Momma and Bear stare at each other}
BC: {sigh} I'm just kidding. I love you, Momma. Can we play?
MK: That sounds like a fantastic idea.
On an embarrassing "Momma moment:"
BC: You were cheating on me!
MK: What?
BC: Your face!
MK: Wha . . . {Momma looks in the mirror}.
MK: {Bleep} {BLEEP}ing {bleep} {bleep} {BLEEP}!
BC: WHOOOOA! I like that! Can you repeat that? I want to write that down! Where are all the pens? I swear, EVERY TIME I need a pen around here, I can't find one!
{Pause}
BC: RATS! That's inconvenient. Momma, can you dig one of the pens out from under the couch so I can write that down?
MK: {In her own little world and not really paying attention} I knocked myself in the face with my car door.
BC: You move the doors yourself.
MK: Yes, I recognize that. Thus, "I knocked myself . . . "
BC: My Momma, one of the few people in the world who smacks herself down to save others the effort.
MK: Haha.
BC: {GASP} You want to replace me! If you give yourself smack-downs, you won't need me!
MK: Bear, I've always been a bit graceless . . . and at least you're cute.
BC: Oh, right. You ARE graceless. You've walked into walls . . . then the couple times you whacked your head on the corner of my cat tree . . . and the times you've speared your head with the corner of the medicine cabinet door . . . and those are just the ones on the top of my head. Head. Haha.
MK: Thanks for the reminders.
BC: No problem. If you have brain damage, I'll still remember. But you don't have to thank me - it's included in your "premium cat" plan.
MK: Fantastic. How kind of you.
BC: Can you dig one of the pens out from under the couch now? I REALLY want to write down what you said earlier! RATS! What DID you say? I really should pay more attention when you're talking . . . but all I hear is "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah . . . "
{Pause}
MK: BEAR! There are nineteen pens under here! I don't even keep that many pens out and I cleaned everything out from under the couch a few days ago!
{Pause}
MK: What the . . . a pen from a car repair place in a state I've never been to? A FUNERAL HOME in a CITY I've never been to, much less for a funeral?!?! And a bank I've never heard of?!?! Where did these pens come from?!?!?
BC: Like I said,"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah . . . "
On another embarrassing "Momma moment:"
BC: Giggle, giggle . . . Momma? You have something on your face.
MK: My . . . Oh, haha. I'm not falling for that again. I'll run to look in the mirror and there won't be anything there. Meanwhile, you'll dissolve in giggles.
BC: No, there really IS something on your face!
MK: You've pawed at your face every time I looked at you several times already today . . . and nothing!
BC: Giggle, giggle, SNORT. Suit yourself. Giggle, giggle.
MK: Like you never get anything in your fur!
BC: My fur is always pristine.
MK: Oh, yeah? What about after one of your infamous dust baths?
BC: You mean when I roll around in the dust on the front porch?
MK: Yes.
BC: Giggle, giggle. I just do that to annoy you. The look on your face is priceless . . . and you always mumble about if you'd wanted an animal that rolled in disgusting things you'd have gotten a dog. And you spend the next few hours confused . . . You keep looking at me deciding whether my fur conditioner requires a bath and whether you feel like trying to wrangle me into a bath. Giggle, giggle.
MK: Haha.
BC: You know better, but I see the wheels in your brain turning . . . trying to determine if it's worth trying again. And when I get bored of the game, all I have to do is roll around in your bed and BOOM! My beautiful fur is back to pristine condition.
{Pause}
MK: I have something on my face! Why didn't you . . .
{Pause}
MK: RATS! Has it been there ALL DAY?!?!? How did I miss a huge white streak across my forehead . . . THREE times?!?!?
BC: I TOLD you! Did you notice it looks like an "L?" Giggle, giggle, SNORT, giggle, giggle.
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