BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
Bear learns about spam:
(Bear in hiding from the blonde cougar . . . and then Momma)
BC: Psst!
MK: What's wrong, Bear?
BC: There is no Bear here . . .
MK: Okay.
BC: So if anyone, like say a cougar, asks, I'm NOT here.
MK: What? Why would a cougar come here? Did you join another personals website?
BC: Should I only tell you the parts that won't make you mad or do you want the whole truth?
MK: Let's start with the parts that won't make me mad.
BC: I just got an e-mail that says a blonde cougar "wants" me tonight. I'll be under the bed.
MK: Was it spam?
BC: How would I know? How can I taste the e-mail when you told me to stop licking the screen!?!?! You think I'm just going to wait around for the cougar to turn me into cat snax?
MK: No, I mean - was it in a "junk" folder?
BC: Is that how you refer to your friends that e-mail you?
MK: For crying . . .
BC: Although, there was one I didn't understand in there about "increasing" my "member." Do I HAVE a member? And do I WANT it increased? Is that like increasing your credit limit?
MK: Bear, don't read the e-mails in that folder - they are just people trying to sell stuff or get money from us.
BC: You mean I didn't win the African lottery? I guess I have to cancel my order for 200 whole chickens . . .
MK: WHAT?!?!?
BC: Then again, if the Nigerian prince marries me, we might be able to afford them.
MK: Are you . . . did you . . . ARG!
BC: Oh, and you might want to read the e-mail about increasing your credit limit.
MK: BEAR! You're grounded!
BC: I never get to do anything fun anyway . . . reading all the e-mails that you call "junk" makes me realize how little fun we have! Do you think my member would like to play?
MK: That's it. No more computer privileges for you.
BC: Since you won't answer my questions, I'm going to borrow the phone book.
MK: You ARE NOT going to call random people and ask them about your member. Or the blonde cougar. Or anything else for that matter.
BC: We have no life!
MK: Better than spending it in stripes!
BC: What's that supposed to mean? I have stripes!
MK: I meant in prison.
BC: NOOOOO!!!!!
MK: What?
BC: You can't send me to prison! I swear, I didn't know!
MK: Didn't know what exactly?
BC: That all that crap was on the shelf over the toilet!
MK: Is it now IN the toilet?
BC: Isn't that why you mentioned prison?
MK: No.
BC: Oh. Then there are two shelves worth of stuff in the toilet.
MK: BEAR!
BC: Just remember, you granted me immunity!
MK: I think I might need some time to be by myself.
BC: How do I find my member? It'll be lonely all by myself under the bed.
MK: BEAR! There IS no blonde cougar coming for you! There is no member that requires increasing! And there is NO African lottery!
BC: The internet lies?!?!?!? What about the Nigerian prince?
{Pause}
BC: What?!?! That's the look you get when you're about to . . . oh, wow . . . I'll leave you alone now. That look is much scarier than any blonde, brunette or any other color cougar! I think you actually growled too . . . bye!
Bear joins a personals website {the next day}:
(Bear as Momma interrupts whatever he's doing for a talk)
MK: Bear? I'm getting some strange e-mails . . . and it reminded me that you never answered me about the personals website.
BC: You told me to start with what wouldn't make you mad.
MK: What did you do?
BC: I'm not sure.
MK: Does this have something to do with the e-mails I've been getting offering me money for obscene and disgusting things?
BC: No.
{Pause}
BC: Maybe.
MK: So what exactly did you do?
BC: I set up a profile in your name, but for me.
MK: And what did you put in the profile?
BC: That you, or I mean I, like lobster dinners, walks along the beach, talking dirty, and being bad and getting in trouble . . . and I might have offered such naughtiness in exchange for money.
MK: Might have?
BC: Well, I figured you wouldn't mind me misbehaving, as long as people were paying me for it.
MK: What kind of naughty things were you thinking of?
BC: Sticking my paw in the toaster. Chewing a cord or two. Ripping up the furniture. Stealing your drawstring pants. Knocking stuff in the toilet. All the old favorites.
MK: Did you specify what naughty things you were referring to?
BC: I thought it was obvious! I mentioned that I was a cat!
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} There's more . . .
MK: More?!?!
BC: I offered to allow them to video tape the naughtiness if they paid extra.
MK: You thought people would pay to video tape you sticking your paw in the toaster?
BC: I am an artiste! Don't forget you get these things for free! Don't say I never give you anything! I deserve to be paid for ALL my hard work!
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} There's more . . .
MK: I'm not sure I want to hear it . . .
BC: I was honest about liking to be in control and dominating the people around me. And my dream of being a black cat.
MK: Is that all?
BC: Oh, and I offered to let other people or cats participate or watch. You know how much I like an audience! It's not the same to misbehave if no one's watching! The more people who appreciate my art, the better! And I'm always open to help!
{Silence}
BC: Momma? I was just trying to make money so I could buy myself a new cat house!
MK: Let me guess, you put that in the profile too.
BC: Well, why not! I want hammocks and a new cat condo!
BC: You're not saying anything . . . this is either really bad or really good . . .
BC: You should admire my industry and business mind. I used what I'm good at . . . being a pain in the butt . . . and found a way to get money for it.
MK: That's enough! Please tell me you didn't put the pain in the butt part in the profile!?!?!
{Silence}
MK: Bear? Bear?!?!?! BEAR!
BC: You only want me to tell you that I didn't . . . but I did . . . so . . .
MK: {mumbling unintelligibly to herself}
BC: I hear my mom . . . or, err . . . my real mom calling . . . We'll discuss the offers later . . . You might try to relax a bit in the mean time . . . put your feet up . . . grab a cold beverage . . . You look like you're about ready to explode . . . I've never seen you this . . . err . . . never mind. Adios!
BC: You told me to start with what wouldn't make you mad.
MK: What did you do?
BC: I'm not sure.
MK: Does this have something to do with the e-mails I've been getting offering me money for obscene and disgusting things?
BC: No.
{Pause}
BC: Maybe.
MK: So what exactly did you do?
BC: I set up a profile in your name, but for me.
MK: And what did you put in the profile?
BC: That you, or I mean I, like lobster dinners, walks along the beach, talking dirty, and being bad and getting in trouble . . . and I might have offered such naughtiness in exchange for money.
MK: Might have?
BC: Well, I figured you wouldn't mind me misbehaving, as long as people were paying me for it.
MK: What kind of naughty things were you thinking of?
BC: Sticking my paw in the toaster. Chewing a cord or two. Ripping up the furniture. Stealing your drawstring pants. Knocking stuff in the toilet. All the old favorites.
MK: Did you specify what naughty things you were referring to?
BC: I thought it was obvious! I mentioned that I was a cat!
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} There's more . . .
MK: More?!?!
BC: I offered to allow them to video tape the naughtiness if they paid extra.
MK: You thought people would pay to video tape you sticking your paw in the toaster?
BC: I am an artiste! Don't forget you get these things for free! Don't say I never give you anything! I deserve to be paid for ALL my hard work!
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} There's more . . .
MK: I'm not sure I want to hear it . . .
BC: I was honest about liking to be in control and dominating the people around me. And my dream of being a black cat.
MK: Is that all?
BC: Oh, and I offered to let other people or cats participate or watch. You know how much I like an audience! It's not the same to misbehave if no one's watching! The more people who appreciate my art, the better! And I'm always open to help!
{Silence}
BC: Momma? I was just trying to make money so I could buy myself a new cat house!
MK: Let me guess, you put that in the profile too.
BC: Well, why not! I want hammocks and a new cat condo!
BC: You're not saying anything . . . this is either really bad or really good . . .
BC: You should admire my industry and business mind. I used what I'm good at . . . being a pain in the butt . . . and found a way to get money for it.
MK: That's enough! Please tell me you didn't put the pain in the butt part in the profile!?!?!
{Silence}
MK: Bear? Bear?!?!?! BEAR!
BC: You only want me to tell you that I didn't . . . but I did . . . so . . .
MK: {mumbling unintelligibly to herself}
BC: I hear my mom . . . or, err . . . my real mom calling . . . We'll discuss the offers later . . . You might try to relax a bit in the mean time . . . put your feet up . . . grab a cold beverage . . . You look like you're about ready to explode . . . I've never seen you this . . . err . . . never mind. Adios!
What about your tortie girlfriends, won't they be mad that you're checking out blonde cougars? And, that Nigerian prince is mine, keep your paws to yourself or in the toaster. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou can have him! He still hasn't given me the money! ~Bear Cat
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