(Note: If you haven't seen Bear's whole chicken campaign yet, and you wonder what we're talking about below, you can find it {HERE}.)
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Momma? Are you dying?
MK: Not that I know of . . . why?
BC: You've seemed depressed recently and I've detected some mopage.
MK: I've just been a bit sad.
BC: Because you won't get me a whole chicken? I imagine your conscience must weigh you down - the injustice of your denial to get me a whole chicken!
MK: No. Some times I just get a bit sad - there's usually no reason.
BC: Well, our blog is suffering! When you're sad, you make me sound sad and we lose our scintillating, crackling wit!
MK: I'm trying, Bear.
BC: When I'm sad, I like to destroy things . . . and then snuggle with you. I feel better because I'm reminded how much you love me, even though, and partly because, I'm cantankerous. I'll lend you my paper bag . . . I bet you'll feel better hiding in there and whacking whatever comes by through my super secret flap.
MK: That's really nice of you, Bear. Thank you.
BC: Maybe your sadness is affecting your decision making capabilities?
MK: You aren't getting a whole chicken regardless of my emotional state.
BC: But all you do is sleep and watch funny cat videos! You have a real, live cat right here! Don't tell me I'm not entertaining or pretty!
MK: You forget that I tried to pet you and you bit me!
BC: So? You watched a video about cats being jerks - I thought I was giving you the entertainment you wanted!
MK: Then you sprawled out on the back of the couch I was laying on - like you were trying to make a point.
BC: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: I SAID, "Why buy the cow . . ."
MK: {interrupting} No, I heard that. I've already adopted you! I'm pretty sure that's a moot point.
BC: I'm not a "moot!" I'm a cat! I make "cat" points!
MK: Noted.
BC: So you're not dying?
MK: No.
BC: Can you change your will anyway?
MK: Why?
BC: Instead of leaving all my money to another human despot to "take care" of me . . . leave it to me!
MK: I don't think that's legal.
BC: Why not?
MK: Cats aren't considered legal entities in and of themselves - like people or corporations. Therefore, legally, cats can't make their own decisions or be the recipients of wealth without a person as "guardian."
BC: What kind of baloney is that? Cats deserve at least equal rights! We are cuter, smarter, and better than humans in every way!
MK: You lick your butt!
BC: You always have to throw that in my face. Do you want me to start listing the fruitcakey things you do?
MK: That's not necessary. I don't make the laws, Bear.
BC: I should run for President! Mandatory whole chickens for all cats! Equal rights! No discrimination!
MK: Oh, Bear. Even if you had equal rights, I still don't think it's a good idea to leave you money directly.
BC: But it's MY money!
MK: You'll spend it all within fifteen minutes on tuna, string, and a farm full of chickens.
BC: WOW! I have THAT much money? I'm rich! Which makes you a cheapskate!
MK: Just because you CAN buy something, doesn't mean you should.
BC: No, no . . . I think it's better that you save my money . . . there will be more left over for me when you croak. An ENTIRE farm of chickens? It sounds like heaven - without the dying part!
MK: What would you do with a farm of chickens?
BC: Isn't it obvious? Eat them!
MK: How? You're going to kill them, pluck them, and prepare them in meal form?
BC: That's why I'll have a human or two. Every vigorous and illustrious cat must have at least one human to do his bidding. Can I run for president anyway?
MK: Oddly enough, given what I've seen so far, I'd probably actually vote for you. Even with your whole chicken doctrine.
BC: SEE? People love me.
MK: No, I'd vote for you because of all the candidates you'd do the least amount of damage in the White House.
BC: WHAT?!?!?! I'm 100% cat. That means I'd do more damage in any house than a measly human! There's nothing special about a white house - I don't discriminate.
MK: Not exactly what I meant. I meant you'd do the least amount of damage FROM the White House . . . as for damage TO the White House, yeah, you'd probably win that hands down.
BC: A whole house of "new" furniture and carpet . . .
MK: You have a bunch of qualifications though. What says freedom more than "cat?" And you like to listen to yourself meow and watch yourself prance around in the mirror . . . I'm sure you'd be fantastic at spending other people's money . . . You're the master boss. And given my scars and fresh wounds - you'd be tough and competent on national defense.
BC: BEAR CAT FOR PRESIDENT!
MK: Hold up. There are some problems.
BC: What do YOUR problems have to do with me?
MK: Not what I meant. I'm not sure people would be receptive to daily mandatory naps followed by mandatory play time.
BC: That would be awesome! Fighter jets could fly through the sky making red dots all over the ground for us to chase! What better way to bring unity to the nation than the common quest to catch the red dot! Oh! And giant string could also fly off the back of the planes for those of us that get bored with pursuits we can't sink our teeth into! And catnip would have to be legal in all the states and territories.
MK: I'm pretty sure catnip is already legal.
BC: Then why don't you buy me any?
MK: Because you get weird with it . . . you ignore the fresh stuff and then only when it's a few years old do you go crazy rubbing yourself all over it.
BC: I believe in aged catnip product. And I've never inhaled! Hey! Can I transform the presidential podium into a huge scratching post?
MK: You don't use the ones you have! I thought you were going to be busy with all the "new" furniture?
BC: And maybe we can outlaw birds and squirrels . . . they freak me out and I don't trust either of them! Squirrels run around like smug little incompetent CIA agents. You just know there's something going on in there that you don't want to be a part of. Birds come out of no where to land behind you and then squawk - it's eerie. You can imagine them pecking out your eyes.
MK: I don't think that would be popular given most cats enjoy them. How about you make declawing illegal?
BC: That's a good idea! It's essentially amputation akin to chopping off the end of a human's fingers. I also want to mandate that every cat must have a home and a Momma who loves them as much as my Momma loves me.
MK: You're always so thoughtful and concerned with the welfare of other cats. I admire that.
BC: I remember what it's like to be a homeless cat on the street . . . not sure when I'll get my next meal. Cats should have nice comfy, protected homes . . . we're domesticated! Ooooh! If I'm president, I'll have a personal cook . . . my paws on the "magic button" . . .
MK: No.
BC: No, what?
MK: No, you can't nuke other countries because they won't provide chickens . . . and no, you can't nuke dogs, no matter how ignorant you believe them to be . . . no magic button for you.
BC: You're not the boss of me!
MK: True. But even the president has to abide by certain rules and laws.
BC: Then what's the point of being president? Skirts?
MK: BEAR!
BC: What? It gets lonely being a cat. You humans don't understand us, dogs are too stupid, and some times we just need a friend who understands.
MK: Funny. Every time there's been a lady kitty outside, I've offered you the chance to go outside and you've run under the bed. Not to mention that you hate wearing clothes, so I doubt a female cat would be down with wearing a skirt. Perhaps "chick" or "dame" or "babe" would work better.
BC: I don't care what she wears . . . as long as she's got a milkshake to match mine.
MK: BEAR!
BC: I'm getting really tired of my name. Bear no longer exists . . . call me . . .
MK: No.
BC: Well, that would be efficient. Instead of "No, Bear," you could just say "NO!"
MK: No.
BC: "Ten-Claw?" "Beinbe?"
MK: Now you want to be a cat rapper? No! A Catrapper! A Crapper!
BC: That has a nice ring to it . . . my tagline can be, "I drop more than beats!"
{Momma's rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically}
BC: What?!?!? What's so funny? You're supposed to fear the cra . . . CRAP! That's unfortunate. Never mind. I guess Bear isn't so bad.
Bear in his most presidential-looking pose ...
p.s. - For hilarious cat videos, Momma suggests https://www.facebook.com/catcatastrophes or https://www.youtube.com/user/CatCatastrophes. They've kept her laughing to the point it's painful - in a good way!
BC: Maybe your sadness is affecting your decision making capabilities?
MK: You aren't getting a whole chicken regardless of my emotional state.
BC: But all you do is sleep and watch funny cat videos! You have a real, live cat right here! Don't tell me I'm not entertaining or pretty!
MK: You forget that I tried to pet you and you bit me!
BC: So? You watched a video about cats being jerks - I thought I was giving you the entertainment you wanted!
MK: Then you sprawled out on the back of the couch I was laying on - like you were trying to make a point.
BC: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: I SAID, "Why buy the cow . . ."
MK: {interrupting} No, I heard that. I've already adopted you! I'm pretty sure that's a moot point.
BC: I'm not a "moot!" I'm a cat! I make "cat" points!
MK: Noted.
BC: So you're not dying?
MK: No.
BC: Can you change your will anyway?
MK: Why?
BC: Instead of leaving all my money to another human despot to "take care" of me . . . leave it to me!
MK: I don't think that's legal.
BC: Why not?
MK: Cats aren't considered legal entities in and of themselves - like people or corporations. Therefore, legally, cats can't make their own decisions or be the recipients of wealth without a person as "guardian."
BC: What kind of baloney is that? Cats deserve at least equal rights! We are cuter, smarter, and better than humans in every way!
MK: You lick your butt!
BC: You always have to throw that in my face. Do you want me to start listing the fruitcakey things you do?
MK: That's not necessary. I don't make the laws, Bear.
BC: I should run for President! Mandatory whole chickens for all cats! Equal rights! No discrimination!
MK: Oh, Bear. Even if you had equal rights, I still don't think it's a good idea to leave you money directly.
BC: But it's MY money!
MK: You'll spend it all within fifteen minutes on tuna, string, and a farm full of chickens.
BC: WOW! I have THAT much money? I'm rich! Which makes you a cheapskate!
MK: Just because you CAN buy something, doesn't mean you should.
BC: No, no . . . I think it's better that you save my money . . . there will be more left over for me when you croak. An ENTIRE farm of chickens? It sounds like heaven - without the dying part!
MK: What would you do with a farm of chickens?
BC: Isn't it obvious? Eat them!
MK: How? You're going to kill them, pluck them, and prepare them in meal form?
BC: That's why I'll have a human or two. Every vigorous and illustrious cat must have at least one human to do his bidding. Can I run for president anyway?
MK: Oddly enough, given what I've seen so far, I'd probably actually vote for you. Even with your whole chicken doctrine.
BC: SEE? People love me.
MK: No, I'd vote for you because of all the candidates you'd do the least amount of damage in the White House.
BC: WHAT?!?!?! I'm 100% cat. That means I'd do more damage in any house than a measly human! There's nothing special about a white house - I don't discriminate.
MK: Not exactly what I meant. I meant you'd do the least amount of damage FROM the White House . . . as for damage TO the White House, yeah, you'd probably win that hands down.
BC: A whole house of "new" furniture and carpet . . .
MK: You have a bunch of qualifications though. What says freedom more than "cat?" And you like to listen to yourself meow and watch yourself prance around in the mirror . . . I'm sure you'd be fantastic at spending other people's money . . . You're the master boss. And given my scars and fresh wounds - you'd be tough and competent on national defense.
BC: BEAR CAT FOR PRESIDENT!
MK: Hold up. There are some problems.
BC: What do YOUR problems have to do with me?
MK: Not what I meant. I'm not sure people would be receptive to daily mandatory naps followed by mandatory play time.
BC: That would be awesome! Fighter jets could fly through the sky making red dots all over the ground for us to chase! What better way to bring unity to the nation than the common quest to catch the red dot! Oh! And giant string could also fly off the back of the planes for those of us that get bored with pursuits we can't sink our teeth into! And catnip would have to be legal in all the states and territories.
MK: I'm pretty sure catnip is already legal.
BC: Then why don't you buy me any?
MK: Because you get weird with it . . . you ignore the fresh stuff and then only when it's a few years old do you go crazy rubbing yourself all over it.
BC: I believe in aged catnip product. And I've never inhaled! Hey! Can I transform the presidential podium into a huge scratching post?
MK: You don't use the ones you have! I thought you were going to be busy with all the "new" furniture?
BC: And maybe we can outlaw birds and squirrels . . . they freak me out and I don't trust either of them! Squirrels run around like smug little incompetent CIA agents. You just know there's something going on in there that you don't want to be a part of. Birds come out of no where to land behind you and then squawk - it's eerie. You can imagine them pecking out your eyes.
MK: I don't think that would be popular given most cats enjoy them. How about you make declawing illegal?
BC: That's a good idea! It's essentially amputation akin to chopping off the end of a human's fingers. I also want to mandate that every cat must have a home and a Momma who loves them as much as my Momma loves me.
MK: You're always so thoughtful and concerned with the welfare of other cats. I admire that.
BC: I remember what it's like to be a homeless cat on the street . . . not sure when I'll get my next meal. Cats should have nice comfy, protected homes . . . we're domesticated! Ooooh! If I'm president, I'll have a personal cook . . . my paws on the "magic button" . . .
MK: No.
BC: No, what?
MK: No, you can't nuke other countries because they won't provide chickens . . . and no, you can't nuke dogs, no matter how ignorant you believe them to be . . . no magic button for you.
BC: You're not the boss of me!
MK: True. But even the president has to abide by certain rules and laws.
BC: Then what's the point of being president? Skirts?
MK: BEAR!
BC: What? It gets lonely being a cat. You humans don't understand us, dogs are too stupid, and some times we just need a friend who understands.
MK: Funny. Every time there's been a lady kitty outside, I've offered you the chance to go outside and you've run under the bed. Not to mention that you hate wearing clothes, so I doubt a female cat would be down with wearing a skirt. Perhaps "chick" or "dame" or "babe" would work better.
BC: I don't care what she wears . . . as long as she's got a milkshake to match mine.
MK: BEAR!
BC: I'm getting really tired of my name. Bear no longer exists . . . call me . . .
MK: No.
BC: Well, that would be efficient. Instead of "No, Bear," you could just say "NO!"
MK: Oh, Bear.
BC: "Snoop Cat?"MK: No.
BC: "Ten-Claw?" "Beinbe?"
MK: Now you want to be a cat rapper? No! A Catrapper! A Crapper!
BC: That has a nice ring to it . . . my tagline can be, "I drop more than beats!"
{Momma's rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically}
BC: What?!?!? What's so funny? You're supposed to fear the cra . . . CRAP! That's unfortunate. Never mind. I guess Bear isn't so bad.
Bear in his most presidential-looking pose ...
p.s. - For hilarious cat videos, Momma suggests https://www.facebook.com/catcatastrophes or https://www.youtube.com/user/CatCatastrophes. They've kept her laughing to the point it's painful - in a good way!
"I drop more than beats!" - MOL!!! This is hilarious. Bear Cat would have my vote (but better not let him know that).
ReplyDeleteThank you :)
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