BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
SUNDAY:
{Bear jumps down from his cat tree and runs to the kitchen as Momma is carrying in her dirty dishes}
BC: FOOD! FOOD! FOOD TIME! BEAR HUNGRY! FEED BEAR NOW! NOW! MROW!
MK: Bear, it's not your food time.
BC: But you just finished eating! That means it's Bear's food time!
MK: Only once a day - not after every meal.
BC: So you get to eat all the time, but I can't?
MK: You always have a bowl full of dry food.
BC: Crap food!
MK: Bear!
BC: I'm starving and I'm grumpy! How am I supposed to know after which of your luxurious, not crap-food-meals, is my food time?
MK: Why don't you just relax and let me remember - I always do.
BC: You'd forget or put it off forever!
MK: Bear, you weigh almost 15 pounds, you are not in danger of starving.
BC: Neither are you! But you still eat yummy food more than once a day.
MK: Bear, I wouldn't forget to feed you.
BC: Only because you have me to remind you to feed me. If I "trusted" you, I'd waste away to 14 pounds!
MK: And the vet would be pleased.
BC: Who? Meow McQuacky-Pants?
MK: Bear! You only saw McQuack ONCE! Eight years ago! It's time to get over it!
BC: But we still go to the same place!
MK: In eight years of checkups and emergencies, we've never had a problem getting in with someone else in the practice.
BC: But I could have to see him again.
MK: We could also get in a car accident on the way to the vet.
BC: I KNEW cars weren't safe! That's it! NO MORE trips to the vet.
MK: How convenient.
BC: You want me to risk my life in a death trap!
MK: Bear! Breathe!
BC: Hey! Meow McQuacky-Pants didn't fold you in his arms, bring his nose to your nose, stare deeply into your eyes and then meow on and on like he knew cat language!
MK: For once, you aren't exaggerating what happened. But it's not the end of the world that his manner didn't match what we're comfortable with!
BC: You don't even know what he said to me!
MK: So did he meow LIKE he knew cat language or did he actually know cat language well enough to say something horrible?
BC: I can't believe you're defending him!
MK: Just because we didn't like him doesn't mean he's not good at what he does! We just don't see him again!
BC: Maybe he's just a vet to pick up chicks.
MK: I doubt it, he was wearing a ring.
BC: YOU CHECKED! TRAITOR!
MK: Not quite. Okay, yes, he was cute, but I only checked for a ring after the meow incident because I wanted to believe that it wasn't something he did to impress me. And I felt better knowing it probably wasn't.
BC: YOU WOULD HAVE MARRIED MEOW MCQUACKY-PANTS! I could have been 'Bear McQuacky-Pants!'
MK: Bear . . .
BC: You wanted him to fold YOU into his arms, nose to nose, looking deeply in your eyes and meowing in your face!
MK: Bear . . .
BC: We didn't go back to him because you were jealous! Not because of his "manner."
MK: Bear . . .
BC: WAIT! You only have me to pick up male vets! You let some other guy slice me open like a watermelon just because you LIKED him!
MK: Bear . . .
BC: And you didn't cry for me, but because he didn't ask you out!
MK: BEAR! You had an infected tumor!
BC: Leave me out of your ploys for male attention!
MK: And besides, I think he was married too.
BC: YOU CHECKED? What is wrong with you?
MK: Bear, with you in my life, I don't need any more drama or high maintenance males.
BC: You want me to die! So you can shack up with some male vet who is gullible enough to comfort you!
MK: Oh for crying out loud! I'm not looking to hook up with anyone, much less someone who's responsible for your health care!
BC: Oh. Why didn't you say that before?
MK: Because you weren't listening! Bear? Bear? BEAR!
BC: Bear is not home at the moment. Please leave a message so I can ignore it. Thank you. BEEP!
MONDAY:
BC: {As Bear zooms around the house} FOOD TIME FOOD TIME FOOD TIME FOOD TIME.
BC: IT'S MY FOOD TIME AND YOU ARE ON THE PHONE!
MK: Be patient!
BC: Who could be so important that my food time is delayed?
MK: Shhhh!
BC: What? You aren't even talking! How do I know you didn't just put the phone to your ear so you could pretend you're "too busy" to feed me?
MK: I'm LISTENING. You could benefit from learning how to listen. And be patient.
BC: You're talking to me - that's not really listening to whoever you're talking to is it?
MK: Bear!
BC: Is it Meow McQuacky-Pants?
MK: You just like saying that name. You've spent more time talking about him than you spent "folded" in his arms.
BC: So that's what this is about? You're jealous that I was the one folded in a man's arms! So you're trying to STARVE me!
MK: Are you trying to annoy me?
BC: Is it working?
MK: No.
BC: Then no, I am not trying to annoy you.
MK: There's only one person I talk to that drones on and on with lots of drama and other random crap that it's just easier to say "uh, huh" "great!" etc. than to try to cut short the conversation.
BC: You shouldn't have answered the phone so close to my food time. That's what caller ID is for!
MK: {mumble, mumble, mumble} . . . . so help me!
{Pause}
MK: BEAR! Get off the counter!
BC: You said to help you! How do I get the refrigerator open?
MK: OFF the counter!
BC: You've reached Bear, I'm not available right now, please leave food or I'll give you a message. BEEP!MK: OFF the counter!
{CRASH!}
MK: BEAR!
{CRASH!}
MK: {To the person Momma is listening to on the phone} I have to go. Bear is knocking things off the counter.
Phone person: AGAIN? I don't get it . . . why don't you just make him stop? If it were me . . .
Bear investigates the counter that was under the item he just knocked off ... and considering Round 2.
MK: {To the person on the phone} Yeah, I know. I think I just lost the toaster. I'll call you back.
Phone person: Well, you don't have to . . . it's not that important . . . and . . .
{Click}
MK: BEAR! This is NOT the way to get what you want.
BC: It worked didn't it?
MK: OFF the counter!
BC: But you're about to get my food out . . .
MK: OFF.
BC: You've reached Bear, I'm about to knock the microwave off the counter . . . leave a message and I'll call you back after my victory at Armageddon. BEEP!
MK: You are so lucky you don't have an off switch . . . or a plug. I can't even put you on "LOW."
BC: You can thank me now.
MK: Why?
BC: For saving you from the conversation on the phone. I get the feeling you are ungrateful.
MK: Bear . . .
BC: You know you want to.
MK: But I just have to call the person back!
BC: You're welcome. I'll be napping, so whatever. Not my problem. Food now.
NOTES:
MK: {To the person on the phone} Yeah, I know. I think I just lost the toaster. I'll call you back.
Phone person: Well, you don't have to . . . it's not that important . . . and . . .
{Click}
MK: BEAR! This is NOT the way to get what you want.
BC: It worked didn't it?
MK: OFF the counter!
BC: But you're about to get my food out . . .
MK: OFF.
BC: You've reached Bear, I'm about to knock the microwave off the counter . . . leave a message and I'll call you back after my victory at Armageddon. BEEP!
MK: You are so lucky you don't have an off switch . . . or a plug. I can't even put you on "LOW."
BC: You can thank me now.
MK: Why?
BC: For saving you from the conversation on the phone. I get the feeling you are ungrateful.
MK: Bear . . .
BC: You know you want to.
MK: But I just have to call the person back!
BC: You're welcome. I'll be napping, so whatever. Not my problem. Food now.
NOTES:
- Yes, the Meow McQuacky-Pants incident really happened; however, this was not the first time I met this particular vet. Before my (then) husband and I moved out of town, I took Kitty in for a final check up - and we had the same vet, but I wasn't impressed. One and a half years later, after I'd moved back with Bear, I totally forgot about the guy and didn't make a specific request for a different vet in the practice. At the end of the exam, he picked Bear up, held him nose to nose, looked in his eyes, and then started meowing. I could understand maybe a few meows while Bear was crouched on the table, but the eye contact and proximity seemed slightly aggressive and it was no wonder that my scared-y cat looked TERRIFIED - for all he knew, the vet might eat him (especially given Bear's fear of men in addition to all his other fears). Lucky for the vet, he never tried that with Kitty; I'm pretty sure he'd have lost his nose and maybe a few fingers. And in defense of the practice, the other vets are EXCELLENT. If I didn't know that before, the incident with Bear's tumor in March really proved to me that I made the right decision to stay with the practice, just make sure we never got Meow McQuacky-Pants again.
- I don't recommend giving in to your cat's every whim as I did in the second conversation. I'm one of the most stubborn people on this planet and I hate that some times I just have to give in, but quite often, it's just easier to give Bear what he wants. I don't give in with his temper tantrums to avoid the vet, or his temper tantrums when I try to corral him back inside. I don't give him treats or food whenever he wants it. But I also know that other battles aren't worth it - like keeping him off the counters, or trying to prevent him from ripping things up, or making him wait for food when it really is his food time. For the first six months I had him, I tried a can full of pennies (loud noise), distraction, water bottles (squirting), putting him in a room by himself, and just about everything else I could think of. None of it made a difference. Not even a little bit. In fact, at least one of them made things worse (putting him in a room and closing the door). The only success I've had is ignoring the behavior. However, that is not always practical (like when he used to stick his paw in the toaster - so I unplugged it, and VOILA!, he quit doing it). I've learned prevention is just about the best I can do - keeping the counters mostly clear, taping cords to the wall, taping over parts of the carpet he loves to rip up, etc. As I said, some battles aren't worth it, but in general, I don't give in to whatever whim he has at the moment. Also of note, I haven't tried yelling and other expressions of anger. My belief is that there is a huge difference between fear and respect and I'd rather have a cat that misbehaves every so often than have a cat that is deathly afraid of me, but an angel.
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