BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Momma?
MK: Yes, love bug?
BC: Can I have one of that animal that was in the story you read me last night?
MK: Which one?
BC: It ate a kid.
MK: Jonah?
BC: Yes! I want a 'Jonah!'
MK: No. Jonah was the kid . . . no, man. You want a whale?
BC: I think it's only fair, since you won't get me a whole chicken.
MK: You think a whale is a compromise for a whole chicken?
BC: Bear doesn't compromise.
MK: You can't eat a whale.
BC: I wasn't expecting to! I just want a friend.
MK: If you're that lonely, I can bring another cat into the household for you.
BC: You mean so I have some annoying pipsqueak following me around, asking inane questions and watching everything I do?
MK: Like you did to Kitty, you mean.
BC: I don't know what you're talking about!
MK: How many squirt bottles did I empty on you?
BC: What's that got to do with anything?
MK: I used the squirt bottles to stop the almost constant confrontations between the two of you since you followed her around, everywhere.
BC: I thought you were worried I was dehydrated! That's why I always acted grateful and opened my mouth!
MK: You didn't realize you were annoying Kitty?
BC: I wanted to be her friend! Clearly, cats don't make good friends.
MK: {mumbling} Like THAT'S a surprise! I wonder why?
BC: What?
MK: Nothing. You seem to make friends with the neighbor cats.
BC: That's just being nice. I don't want them to think I'm a human tool. And we have a neighborhood watch system in place.
MK: Oh, really? Against what?
BC: Bunnies, birds, squirrels, dogs . . .
MK: You seem to really like Bella though!
BC: Nah. Don't get me wrong, she's alright, but like?
MK: You knocked over and broke a heavy floor lamp getting from one window to another window for a better view!
BC: That is NOT what happened. I wanted to see whose butt she was sniffing.
MK: Oh yeah? So what happened to the blinds in the second bedroom . . . when you almost hung yourself trying to get in the best position to trade googly eyes with her?
BC: That's when I thought she was a kitten. I had to get your attention so we could rescue her! I was being sensitive!
MK: But she wasn't a kitten.
BC: We know that now . . . after years of her coming by and not growing. And by the way? We shall never speak of that incident again . . .
MK: I'm sure she was flattered by your attention.
BC: I fell backwards out of the window! One minute I had my claw in the string attached to the blinds, and the next, BOOM! I disappeared.
MK: She was still there when you got back up on the windowsill! She probably didn't even notice you flailing out of the window.
{Pause: as Momma and Bear stare at each other}
BC: As I said, we'll never talk of that again.
MK: Oh, Bear. So you want a whale for a friend?
BC: Affirmative.
MK: They live in water, where would we put it?
BC: Duh! My water bowl!
MK: I don't think your water bowl is big enough . . .
BC: Then get me a bigger one! Why do humans make everything so complicated? Don't make me go all David and Goliath on you!
MK: Who knew reading Bible stories to a cat could cause so much trouble?
BC: I'm still waiting for the two fishy to multiply to feed the multitude!
MK: You left two BITES of fishy on your plate . . . the story is about two WHOLE fish.
BC: But . . . but . . . it would take WEEKS for me to save up enough of my fishy treats to equal two whole fishy!
MK: We also don't have a multitude!
BC: Details! God doesn't need to know everything.
MK: However, Momma does need our water to turn into wine.
BC: No! You said the whale needs WATER!
MK: Yes, but Momma needs WINE.
BC: It's always about you! You don't even LIKE wine.
MK: Beggars can't be choosers.
BC: Why so desperate?
MK: I have a cat.
BC: {looking around} Where?
MK: Oh, Bear!
BC: Catimus Maximus to you.
MK: Gluteus Maximus is more like it.
BC: It's all Greek to me. As long as "Maximus" is part of it, fine.
MK: Technically, it's Latin.
BC: OK, Ms. Smarty-know-it-all-pants. As I said, it's all Greek to me. So can I have a whale?
MK: No.
BC: You didn't even think about it! You spend more time deciding what toilet paper to buy!
MK: Tough.
BC: Then don't buy the cheap toilet paper!
MK: No, I meant . . . oh, never mind.
BC: So why don't you practice what you preach?
MK: What do you mean?
BC: You're always saying how important animals are to God and His Plan - that God made sure to save two of each kind from the flood - so we should love and respect animals.
MK: I don't have to get you a whale to prove I love and respect you!
BC: How else?
MK: Gluteus Maximus!
BC: Yes?
BC: By the way, did you skip over the part of the ark story where the animals revolt? I can't imagine being stuck in an itty bitty space with dogs and birds . . .
MK: No, I did not skip over it.
BC: How realistic is that?
MK: I don't know Bear, it was a unique time. You should take a lesson and learn how to get along with other animals.
BC: So I can have a whale?
MK: NO! {then mumbling to herself} Why couldn't he ask for a lamb? Or a dove?
BC: Did you say HAM? I'll take a ham!
MK: No, I said "a l . . .," dang it!
BC: Do not use thy Lord God's name in vain.
MK: Do not covet the possessions of thy neighbor!
BC: None of our neighbors have a whale!
MK: Honor thy mother.
BC: You're not my real mom!
BC: Tell you what. You think about getting me a whale while I take a nap. I spent all morning trying to part the water in my bowl and I'm exhausted! I have to make sure I'm well rested for tomorrow's miracle: walking on water. I might need a larger bowl. Maybe I can borrow the bath tub?
BC: Oh! And wake me up if a Samaritan happens by . . . he or she might be able to help me get a whale.
MK: Bear, it doesn't work like that . . .
{Pause: as Momma and Bear stare at each other}
MK: Oh, fine, "Whatever you say, Bear."
BC: It's about time! My wisdom matches Solomon, but I'm starting to feel like Job.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Yeah, yeah, God is love.
MK: Well, yeah. But I also love YOU.
BC: Force be with you.
MK: You mean, "Peace be with you?"
BC: No. Cats don't believe in peace. We believe in force, aka fangs and claws . . . you always want that to be WITH you and not against you.
MK: So thoughtful! Er . . . I think.
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| Being A Godly Kitty Is Exhausting |
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